TRYING TO CONCEIVE

I had my baby early! Pictures!

2012-01-11T23:53:00.000-08:00

It is 6am and the house is silent, and my hubby is holding the baby. I have had three hours of sleep, and I will soon go back to bed..but I am excited to tell you about my 21hour labor story. When I think back and while I have told the story to friends and family, I have realized at this point that it was not that bad. So here is my story. Week 36 of my pregnacny I started getting readings of high blood pressure at my weekly nst appontiments. That Tuesday of week 36 I also had protein in my urine. MY high risk doctors said..well, do not worry..you are borderline preeclampsia go home and if you get another symptoms give l&d a call. Well the next day both Thetan and I thought my face was real puffy so I called and went into to see a doctor. I had high bp, so she ordered a 24 hour urine drop. I peed in a bottle for 24 hours( which was so annoying) and dropped it off Friday. MY doctor said, if it is abnormal, L&D will call on Saturday the 31. So Saturday Morning comes along, and I see my test result. It says 0-165 is normal. MY number was 319. It was 10:20 and I had not heard from L&D. I called L&D at 11..and they said they had not looked over the test yet. They had to call me back. Eventually they called me back an hour later telling me that I needed to come in to get evaluated and I might be induced today. In my mind, I thought it is not time..I am going to be induced on the 11th..and I am just going to go in and check my urine and blood pressure. So I called my mom..and she said she was coming over right now. Thetan and I kind of looked at each other and said.."we are not ready...we do not even have a bag packed." So we packed a bag, and it started to feel more real. I was nervous and well..felt scared and out of control I feared I was going to get full on eclampsia...and get seizures..soI just thought I would go and get my massage I had booked the night before. My mom said she would drop me off at the massage place. She picked me up and she started lecturing me saying I should be at the hospital right away. She gave me a long lecture and I canceled my massage. I think it was a smart move because I would not have been able to relax. So..the doctor called and said at around 12pm, to not come in until 7pm because they are overwhelmed with too many patients. We did not go in until 5pm, my mom wanted to go early. so we sat in the waiting room for 2 hours...it was so busy that therere was a women who was force to wait in the waiting room with contraction 2 minutes apart. She was amazing, each contraction she did not make a sound, just got real quiet. I was amazed and impressed. I went to the desk to ask how long I would be waiting and then I made a stink that this poor women needed a room. They came out a couple minutes later..and the husband hugged and thanked us later. It was a horrible thing making her wait..she had the baby 1 hour later. Anyways..they got us a room..and I peed in a cup. It was plus 2 protein in the urine. That was the highest it had been. They were concerned when it was plus 1, so plus 2 was not good. They admitted me and so the inducement started at 11pm. They gave me a pill to start the thinning and contractions. Thetan went to bed and I just stared at the wall the whole night, waiting anxiously for the contraction to come. Oh yeah, before they gave me the pill, they checked my cervix. I was at 2 dialated and about 30% effaced. I was shocked I was a 2 already. I guess that is normal when you are a month away. So anyways, at 37 weeks, I was 2 cm dialated. So at 3am to about 6 I felt period like cramps every 15 minutes. So about 7am They did a cervical check and I had only moved to a 2 and a half. That was frustrating, They said okay you are going to the next step, pitocin. So for about a couple hours of pitocin, they said you need your rest, and recommended I take a drug I think it was called Fentenal to help me sleep. I took it and I started spinning and got so sweaty. I got a total of 15 minutes sleep. I do not think it was worth it. Anyways, by about 9am family started bringing over food for us and my mom came. The pitocin was going and the contractions were not that bad. At about 1pm they did another cervical check, no change:
That was frustrating.

I was hooked up to all these wires, so every time I had to go to the bathroom it was a three person ordeal. At about 3pm contractions started to get really painful. So they did another cervical check..it was a 3. So, they kept asking me if I wanted an epidural I decided not to get one until I could not take the pain anymore because I wanted to move around to deal with the contractions and to not slow down the process. They said many times epidurals prolong labor. So the contraction started really taking over. At first the contractions were not so bad and I was laughing and making small talk. By 3 pm....I had everyone staring at me..and all I could do was breath with relief between contracttions. MY mom, and best friend and I walked around a couple times around the hospital level. My husband seemed really uncomfortable. He seemed scared for me and did not like the fact that he could do nothing about my pain. I did not scream, but every contraction was getting more intense. Then around 4, I used a medicine ball and thetan and my mom rubbed my back. This actually helped a lot. By 5pm, it was so intense and they were coming every 3 minutes and then every 2 minutes. I felt comfortable with husband, my mom, and best friend in the room, but my mother in law was in there and I really did not feel comfortable with her in there. So, finally I got another cervial check( mind you the first cervical check was so painful, through out the labor each cervical check really sucked, but that first one,.really was a doosy.) So anyways at five, my dialation was 4 and 80% effaced.

At that point I said I was ready for the epidural but wanted to take the fentinal before the epidural to relax because I was nervous about the epidural. SO the doctor told me it could be another 9 to 10 hours so to tell everyone to go have some dinner. So I told everyone and they said okay..my best friend said she was going to go home but to call her if I increase. So I take the fentinal and literally I felt contractions back to back. I was holding Thetan's hand, and he just told me yesterday that I was killing his hand with each contraction. I was able to handle the pain through breathing, but I was so ready for the epidural..it was getting really exhausting. A half hour into the fentinal...my nurse comes in and says" I am so sorry, this never happens, but our one anethesiologist is booked in an emergency c-section." Well...what could I do. I said "okay..I will wait." This is when I started freaking out a little more. But within 15 minutes there was an anethesioligist in the room. They called him to come in from home. So he starts the Epi and I have to say..although I was shaking from the fear..it was not that bad. A little sting and boom, it was done. but this is where it got weird, I started shaking profusely. They tried to relax me by having me breath through it. I just kept shaking. I also felt cramping in my thighs. MY husband was just standing next to me trying to calm me down but my body was just out of control. I still felt my body and could move my toes. I was so nervous the epi was not done correctly. I started to get numb, but it was not instant. Then the nurse said the baby's heart decelerated and they needed to move me to get the heart rate up again. MY body at this time was shaking even more. I hated this feeling of out of control shakiness and I also started freaking out about the baby's heart beat. So the doctor came in the check if my water broke. She looked down there and said "omg look at that." I look down and three nurses and the doctor are looking at my vjayjay. I asked what is it. They said your water bag is just hanging out. she then checks and says wow!! you are at a 10. Time to start pushing. So with one hour it went from a 4 to a 10. and 100%effaced. She also said the baby's head is really low. So Thetan called everyone and before I knew it...I was getting ready to push. I have to say I was scared...of coursese excited but really scared of the pain. So...while they were prepping me..my family kept on walking in...and we would all yell..don't come in. RIght into the pushing people almost walked in!! It was unbelievable. Anyways...my legs started shaking and the doctor said lets start pushing..but then she looked and said...oh I misjudged baby is not as far down as I thought,,,you might be pushing for a while. We all looked at each other and I thought no way,...I want this baby out. So she said..I need you to push in counts to 10...so I took a deep breath and pushed as much as I could. The doctor said wow..you are a great pusher....you pushed the baby right down. The other doctor that was assisting her said wow...get everything ready...the baby is coming fast. The doctor seemed a little frantic and did not seem ready or preprared how fast the baby was coming out. She was getting things ready and my legs started cramping and I told her I needed to push. She said okay..without putting any oil on to help the baby slide through...the next contraction I pushed the baby's head out...the next I started hearing the doctors get excited and and my mom started crying. I was so excited and at the same time anxious to know what was going on. She said just a few more pushes..so I pushed during the next contraction and the baby came out. They put him on my chest and we were all crying. It was amazing. He was not crying though, Just real peaceful. They took him cleaned him up and Thetan had tears in his eyes. he cut the umbilical cord. The rest is a blur people coming in and my best friend came in and then my other best friend came in about 4 minutes after the baby was born. So as soon as the baby was born it has been all about the boob. Since he is premmature he is very weak with the latching...and I hardly had any colustrum coming out. It took until day 6 to get my milk in. It has been very challenging that I can not satisfy my baby with food. There is so much pressure to breast feed. Anyways, I feed Alexander 8 times a day, pump 8 times, and trying my hardest to get my milk out. I pump about 40 ML when I wait three hours, and only 15ML between just an hour apart. OH...he pee's every time I open his diaper. And often if I change his diaper and a new set of clothes.he diecided to pee then and soak all his clothes. He does this just about 3 times a day. OH..I counted how many times we changed him yesterdau...12.............

.......................... 12 times.

Having my Baby on Jan 11!!! 21 more days!

2011-12-22T09:04:00.000-08:00

I have been thinking about posting for a couple days now. I am not sure why I have decided to post..when I am in one of the grumpiest moods I have been in during this whole pregnancy. I really think the hormones and lack of sleep has put me into a bitch mode lately...but I am positive I will find things to be happy about by the time I am done writing this post. THis is one of the reasons why I love blogging..it is my journal really...yet..I get reality checks and high fives from so many supportive blogging buddies.

So...I am in the 36th week..officially I am in the 9th month. Writing this down..is such an accomplishment. There were days, months, nights...where I never thought I had a chance to be pregnant. So here I am: belly is growing...and although...my boobs have not grown...that is a bummer. I have heard since I was younger that having a baby makes your boobs grow. Now for me...I do not have big boobs, so I have been looking forward to this for years. Well...to be honest..since I was in elementary school. Therefore..when I went into the department store at 8 months and got my bra measured and it showed I was still a size b cup..I was mortified. Why me!!! I got over it in a few minutes, but really no growth...weird. The nipples have changed in size and color, but no growth. So this is what i have been seeing in the mirror. Big belly, overgrowing the boobs. Yeah..it would be awesome to have big boobs growing with big belly..but nope! Not in the cards for me. I think it is genetics..my grandma was small like me too. Oh well.

okay...enough about my boobs:)

ON to my due date!!! my official due date is Jan 17th 2012. But I got to pick my inducement day..and where I am having my baby. Here I go...the date is set at 12pm at the hospital of my choice on Jan 11!! Yayayayayay! 21 more days! I can not believe it. Oh..if any of you have had the experience of labor...and especially if you have had inducement meds during labor..please comment and give your experience...the more the merrier. Lately...I have been real nervous about the pain. I have always dreamed of being pregnant, but have always had fear of the labor. so yeah...I have been watching on tlc and another show..c-sections, natural births, inducent, doulas..you name it..just getting myself emotionally ready. I know, I know..nothing prepares you..but this is just how I am. Before I did all the shots..I read all your experiences and watched it on youtube for hours. This is just how I operate.

OH...and the baby was weighed in..during the sonogram, they got a range of size. Little Alexander is on the smaller average. 5lbs, 5ounces. How cute..right?:) Well..this is great news, considering I have gestational diabetes, and many women with GD have big babies..and that is a negative and can create some bad things for the baby and mother.

SO I am happy, also my blood sugar level has been really good. I am impressed, I had a chocolate sees candy and a half of the best chewy chocolate chip cookie..and I my blood sugar was fine!! A week a go, my sister in law made vanilla sugar cupcakes, and my blood sugar was fine! This is such good news. I do not have to completely deny myself all the yumminess the holidays have to offer...I just need to moderate it.

So symptoms:

sleep: that is a joke. I am tossing and turning, and the turning is really hard to do now. My belly is big and well....when I get up..it takes a while to actually get up and start walking...it is a real waddle.

things to buy: I have everything except the stroller, rocking chair, and crib sheets and mobile, and infant or toddler carseat. I just had to pay $800 for my car..so this has set us back a little. It is embarrassing, but we are not rich...we actually struggle a bit..too many bills, not paid a lot. But I am trying to keep it all in perspective. I think this is a big reason why I am grumpy. Not having money. I had to be low with the gifts this year. This has never happened. Here I am getting so many gifts from family and friends, and I can not afford to get anything. I am just getting my direct family( mom, dad, brother, husband) presents. I got my dad, brother, sister in law and nephews magazine subscriptions. I thought this was a good idea..since they get it for a whole year. I hope they like it. If not,..get over it..that is all they are getting. :)

My mom I am getting some earings. I really do not have money for it..so I will use my macy's gift card I received for my birthday. For my husband..I am thinking of actually not getting him anything..but what if he gets me something..I am screwed. Hmm..help me out...what could I get him..that shows I love him dearly..but is not a lot of money. I will feel guilty if I do not get him something.
Okay...have to go off to a another doctors appointment for my no stress test. These doctor appointments really stress me out. And starting next week, I will be going in twice a week. Bummer:(
but at least I know my doctors are taking care of my baby!

35 weeks, Babyshower update..and more

2011-12-12T08:26:00.000-08:00

It has been a few weeks... I have not been blogging lately..because a new symptom of my pregnancy is carpal tunnel. It is hopefully just a pregnant thing. I do not like to start my blog posts with a vent..but I am going to today. This pregnancy is a miracle. Without the help if IVF, I would not be 35 weeks today...one week short of 9 months. I am so blessed to have this round belly and baby kicking ...but there are some major challenges with pregnancy..at least with my pregnancy.

I have seen on tv, and in magazines how women say.."oh I love being pregnant..it is so liberating."

BS....not for me. This is a real pain..literally. I am complaining daily...all the time..I am even annoying myself. My back aches..my hands...I can not feel my tips of my fingers because my wrists are so swollen that the fluid is hitting a nerve, so I have shooting pains at night..that start at my finger tips all the way to my elbow. My feet are swollen so if I walk for more than a hour..I get sharp pains in my legs. Oh..my calves..they give me muscle spasms everyday. Heartburn is no fun...and then there are the insulin shots because I have picked up gestational diabetes.
So...there

IT COULD BE WORSE! No baby...right?..so I need to just suck it up..but man.... no sleep and with all the above...it is getting really tough.

as for positive...there are so many:

I had the baby shower...my MIL took some pictures..so as soon as she sends them to me..I will post. It was beautiful and so loving. I understand why they call it a shower. Because I was showered with lots of love. My family and friends were there and seemed so excited about the celebration of my little Alexander. I think women really like baby showers. They all seemed so happy and everyone wanted to touch my belly. it was fun...I enjoyed it. I did not cry...thank you very much. I cried on the way to the party...but there I held it together. I got so many presents. I must have received..10 blankets. People really like buying soft cozy blankets. This baby of mine will never be cold. And I got some real cute clothes. I did laundry all weekend..and he is set for the first 3 months.It took me about an hour or an hour and a half to open everything. For me..it was too many people. There were 26 people there...all women I wanted to see and who love and will be in Alexander's life..but for me...it was hard..because I was not able to spend good one on one quality time with each one. I like to chit chat and hear how everyone is doing..and have good conversation...instead..I was like the entertainment..that was awkward for me

what else:

35 weeks today. This baby is so active...he likes to push his elbow or knee into my right side. He predominately stays to my right. His butt is near my rib cage and hand and feet to my right..his head in down which is good.

his has the hiccups about twice a day. It was cute at first...but I feel like he may be scared or uncomfortable for all the hiccups.

Oh..I went to three classes last week.

1) Natural birth
2) epidural
3) pedicare

The natural birth was interesting. I probably won't be using any of the great positions that were taught because I will be induced..but the breathing I believe will be helpful. and the epidural was freaky. The whole process of the needle going in we watched and then the guy giving the lecture must have been sedated..because my husband and I were catching each other falling asleep. It was challenging.

the last class was fun..we got to practice diaper changing, bathing tips, and other fun things I am nervous about.

I have been watching baby story and a lot on tv. I am getting ready emotionally for the birth of our son. I am really nervous I have to admit. It is scary to think of pushing this big 5 pound soon to be bigger baby out of my vagina! Sorry for the TMI,, but it freaks me out. I have been feeling a change of heart in wanting my two best friend, and my mother in law in the room. When I first got pregnant I called my best friends and I told them I wanted them in the room. and Then in October my mother in law said could she be in the room..I said sure. But now.I will be naked...vulnerable and naked. Did I say naked....and in pain...I do not want everyone staring at me...and things could come out..I may be swearing, crying, I just want my mom and husband in the room...I feel most comfortable with these two people. In all honesty...I really do not want my mother in law in the room. I feel she has every right to see the baby...when he is born..but I do not want her staring at me when I am pushing. I am actually very shy and prudent when it comes to me body.

Anyways...I will probably blog some more..when I get feeling back in my fingertips:(

oh..everywhere I go..people comment on when I am due. It is awesomeness~!!:) I am really showing. I never thought I would get to this point...I thought I would look just chubby...but everyone kisses my belly and rubs it..and Alexander is so loved already:)

First Trip To Labor and Delivery

2011-11-30T16:04:00.000-08:00

Yep..went to the labor and delivery today. Still in a bit of shock. Just realized how fragile this little one is, how I am not prepared for the baby to come home yet..and how much I love him. I have cried a few times...and nothing even really happened..he is fine!

Since I have Gestational diabetes, you must be in the high risk department of obgyn. One part of that process is at 32 weeks, you are mandated to go weekly to and after 35 weeks you go biweekly to get nst.

NST: Non stress tests. They monitor your babies heart beat, and they also monitor you contractions. By monitoring your contractions, they monitor by putting the tool to gather info about contractions at the top of your uterus.

So..what they look for is within 20 minutes to see your baby move..and within those movements the baby's heart rate to accelerate from the movement and then to go back to normal two times.

So..last week..everything went fine. He did it once, and then at 20 minutes the nurse put a little buzzer to my belly..and little Alexander did it again.

This time..was different. I asked the women for water..but she never got it for me..this gets the baby moving every time. I was a little annoyed with the women..she seemed really confused and overwhelmed. Well..20 30 minutes went by and she would pop in and say..nope..hmm..baby still sleeping. And then she just kept buzzing the thing on my belly. I was getting really annoyed because I thought maybe she is scaring my baby and why is she not getting me my water and not telling me what is going on..why has it been 45 minutes.

So...eventually..she looks all panicked and says..let me bring this paper to the doctors to evaluate.

She comes back and explains that..Alexander's heartbeat decelerated when I had a contraction.

OKAy......and then she said you have to go to the hospital to labor and delivery.

Yeah...you can imagine ...my heart dropped and I went into panic mode. I was by myself..so I tried to be calm... I had my kindle and as I eventually got to the hospital room, got in my hospital bed, all vulnerable in my robe, I waited patiently for the doctor to come.

Eventually after three hours of monitoring the baby...he was good. All good accelerations with his heartbeat...he was moving around, I ate a little and drank lots of ice water.

The doctor did eventually tell me..after looking over all the deceleration and then the present acceleration beats and ultrasound that everything looks good. She said the deceleration may have just been the baby doing something to the cord..but maybe not.

I have to say, I am a little shaken by the hole thing. Rushing to Labor and delivery..waiting and getting no response from worried faces from nurses and doctors. Sitting by myself for 4 hours..worried from another doctor saying if the deceleration occurs again they will have to induce contractions.

Just glad it is over and worried a little about Alexander being stressed out.

I am here at work for another few hours..really not here in my body though...I feel emotionally drained.

Award Love:)

2011-11-29T11:04:00.000-08:00

I am excited to get an award....from one of my favorite blogger buddies Miss Mac, from MAC and PC:) I have found her blog to be so helpful in my journey of IF. She is one of the original blogs I have been following since I found out my husband and I were challenged with conceiving over a year ago. It was a hard time and I was frightened of the unknown process IVF was taking us through. I would turn on my computer and MISS Mac would always give me words of encouragement..and I would go into her archives and find so much great informative posts into taking the pio shots, and many other issues in this emotional roller coaster we all go through.

here are my five choices that have followed me and I have followed them this whole process of iVF and now I through my 8 months of Pregnancy:)

1) Dreaming of Babies
2) Baby On my mind
3) Alex
4) The Rocky road to Motherhood
5) Here I go thinking again

Here's how to spread the Liebster Love:

Copy and paste the award on your blog
Thank the giver and link back to the blogger who gave it to you
Reveal your top 5 picks and let them know by leaving a comment on their blog.
Hope that your followers will spread the love to other bloggers

Need MIlk: A great post from a blog Buddy

2011-11-29T08:54:00.000-08:00

From one of my favorite blogger buddies, The Rocky Road to Motherhood:
she has found a great organization called Human Milk for Human Babies . She connected with her local chapter on Facebook and was then put in touch with local moms and babies looking for milk.

This is a great informative post..to help mothers who
might be adopting a newborn, or having issue with breast feeding might want to look into it. Also if you have a frozen milk supply you might want to look into it as well.

Am I wrong to Complain?

2011-11-28T09:31:00.000-08:00

I hope everyone had a fun Thanksgiving. I did..it was also my birthday..so it was very warm and sweet. Since I have gestational diabetes..I was worried about what I was going to eat. Well..I ate everything..little bites of all my favorite foods( sweet potato..stuffing, and pecan pie!,..yum). And my blood sugar was was good. I contribute me running around chasing my 2 year old niece to the good health. She is so adorable. I got lots of cards and a prenatal massage from my husband. It was so good. The Claremont Resort and Spa in Berkeley gives the best massages..if you live in California or ever visit..I promise if you book an appointment at the Claremont resort and Spa..you will Thank me:)

I got the kindle from my dad..so sweet! I love it. You can get magazines( not too many of a selection) but still...I can read the paper, read a book, and read upon a few recipes..very cool!

Thank you for your sweet comments on my last post...I love this community so much!

As for someone asking me to give more info around the gestational diabetes..I will work on that. I feel so overwhelmed with it, and really there is not a lot of info or blogs for the GD community. SO I will either do a seperate blog..or just do a few long posts. Still thinking how I want to go about it.

Strange moment of the Week:
I was in the Joanne's craft store getting decorations for the holidays with my husband, and a women without asking put her hand on my belly and asked "how long? Rubb for good luck!" it was so awkward and I was in shock..I just started laughing!! I said..oh wow...no one has ever done that before...she then asked...."your pregnant right?" She asked that after the fact!!! Anyways..I was shocked first, and then excited that people in public can tell I am pregnant not just chubby...but then a couple minutes later..I got a little annoyed. I never said strangers can come up and touch my body without asking! It is actually kind of rude. As for family members..fine...for the most part..but not strangers!

As for symptoms: I have a few more!! My hands are swelling. I am 33 weeks..so going into my 8 and 1/2 months of pregnancy. I believe this is a normal thing. But gosh it really hurts. I have to admit..I am getting sick of myself complaining. On Saturday...my mom wanted my help with ideas for shopping for food, gifts, party supplies for the baby shower this coming Sunday. So from 11am to 6pm I was mostly on my feet walking and standing in line. it hurt so bad. My hands were so swollen they felt tight and tingly and like they were going to cut off. My feet were swollen and I had pins and needles. I was tired and well. My grumpyness got really bad in baby store..babyrus. I feel so guilty..but here is my confession:

My mom, husband, and I are in the babyrus..we went there to find a doll for one of the games. Well..I am having boy..but all they had in the doll section were girl dolls. There was one boy... but it said 3+ and it was $30. My mom said..lets just get a girl..so we can give it away to her other granddaughter afterward. I was getting so pissy. complaining that I am having a boy...we can not get girl. It got a little heated. Okay...I am laughing about it now..but I was pissed in the store. ) Are you kidding me!) I can be so ridiculous. I was absolutely out of mind complaining to my husband around the corner saying my mom is just doing this for her granddaughter My husband had to give me a hard lecture later saying I was being very grumpy and selfish..because my mom is paying and getting so many things for this baby shower. I guess I felt...it is just a baby shower..why are we playing 10 games that all cost all this money..and why is she spending 100's of dollars. I was also complaining that my mom asked me to help with everything, and I will not be surprised by anything with this baby shower! And I am not getting a cake! And months earlier, my mom was complaining that in the Jewish faith, it is taboo to have a baby shower before the baby is born! Bottom line..is I appreciate her so much. The fact that she is throwing me a fun party....is fabulous!!! Whether is will be a crazy tata party or not..my friends and family are there to welcome my little Alexander..and it will be very sweet.. because of the people and the joy and effort my mom has put into this party. I get a little feeling like she is showing off a little, but that is my mom. really..I would be fine with 10 people and a quiet day with a few presents and some simple food Instead..there are 25 people coming, 10 games, a tone of food that is catered...and we wrapped presents for everyone. Well...it is what it is..and I am excited to be a part of it..oh,..one other thing that is real strange:
hardly anyone is buying off the registry...and I have not received anything. I hear this is common..people just buy what they want! Why!!!! This is a baby shower not a birthday party. I know..I need to be just appreciative the fact they are showing their love and all..but I am not rich by any means. I actually need all the things on my registry. I just hope they get a gift receipt..so I do not just have 25 onsies:)

I hate the way this all sounds...my husband says I sound like a spoiled brat. Maybe I do...and maybe I am...I will have to look at that. I am real self absorbed, I can fess up to that. Maybe it is the lack of sleep, or the pain I am feeling in my hands, feet, and peeing all the time. I am a real grump. I have come so far to be the most grateful person to have this baby growing inside me..and all I do lately is complain about this and that. I have to work on being appreciative. I mean..don't get me wrong..I am aware of how good I have it..I just feel I have been complaining a whole lot. I have been more emotional lately too.
\
case in point:
I was driving to my massage Friday on the Freeway and I looked to my right and I saw the golden gate bridge with the most beautiful sunset. The sky was pink..and it was so beautiful! I started tearing up! Yeah..the hormones are strong right about now:)

Things I love and what I appreciate:
I love watching Alexander move in my belly. My belly is getting bigger because he is getting bigger and stronger! Yesterday morning he kicked right near my ribs. He has never done that before. It still tickles when he moves arounds..oh...and he has been getting hiccups a lot He must be preacticting swallowing:)
When you have gestational diabetes..you have to get a non stress test..once a week..and after 3 weeks..twice a week. basically you have to monitor for 20 minutes your baby's heart beat and your contractions, the amniotic fluid, his heartbeat. His heart beat must go up twice and then go down twice within 20 minutes Within the 20 minutes he did it once..so they did a little vibration and that got him moving. I felt a little bad..but they said it does not affect the baby.

Then I felt a movement above my belly I often feel, like a hardness. I always thought it was ALexander's butt or foot..pushing..but nope! The doctor said that is a contraction! I had no idea!! holy moley!!!!! I guess these are braxton hicks..just practice runs. They are not painful...but you can really feel the tightness. WHew....am I in for it with labor!! Freaking out just a little bit!!

This week...after the shower..I will post pictures of the nursery...we got a few things done..but I want to wait to show you the pictures with the finished product!

I hope you all are doing okay:)

Looking back at my IVF Process: 31 weeks pregnant

2011-11-15T08:31:00.000-08:00

31 weeks this week! I am one more week away from going into my 8th month. I never thought I would get here. I really never did. It feels like just a few weeks ago, I was searching for the reason why I could not get pregnant. The blame and the guilt, and the jealousy was really hard. I was listening to Ben Harper on Sunday. It brought me back to memories when I was getting all the the biopsies, and seeing lots of doctors. My brother and his wife and parent's were basking in the joys of their new child. Every time I would go to facebook, I would learn of a new friend or relative who was announcing their pregnancy. I started this blog because I found others who were suffering as I was.

Suffering: I was in so much pain. I was crying everyday. And the days that were hard: were the days I heard relatives and friends got pregnant. I would go into the bathroom and cry for a good hour. I was done for the day. The days I got my period after trying with opk sticks and voodoo dolls, and so forth...the day I would get my period was like someone had died. It was very painful emotionally. The physical pain of my period at the time were minute compared to the emotional pain and guilt I put on myself.

Then came the uncomfortable looks of pity from family and friends who knew what I was going through. I love my mom dearly, but she told everyone what I was dealing with. So, I could not escape it. It could have been in my head, but I do not think so.

Then the trip to the fertility department. That was a hard day. Because when you start trying for a baby...it takes a strong person to admit..okay, we tried everything, now we need doctors to intervene. At this point, my body was not mine anymore. In many ways, I felt violated. I can not count how many doctors saw me vulnerable and naked. It was not a good time in my life, and I have to admit, I was very grumpy. My husband and I were fighting, and we both felt extremely guilty and inadequate.

Then we found out what happened. My body was healthy, but not my husband's. This was very sad for him. And I had to be very patient. His sperm was not dead, but not strong enough to make a baby naturally. The words:

IVF is the only solution.

This was so hard to hear. In one way it was a relief. Okay...we can stop suffering and move on...there is a solution..and we know what to do. But it was very scary.

We learned about all the needles. It seemed so painful and grueling....

It was. It was painful, it was consistently stressful, and it was frightening.

But we did it..because we wanted a baby...and it was not so painful that it was unmanagable. The hardest part was the 1 and 1/2 needle of progesterone I had to put in my butt cheek about 95 times. This was not fun...every night. Then there was the 2 week wait. This was emotionally hard. You think it is hard waiting for those two weeks when you try naturally, try putting huge amount of hormones in your body, surgery, 10 doctors looking at your private parts, get your blood taken everyday for a couple weeks, and put in 15 to 20 thousand dollars, and then wait for two weeks if everything is going to work out..while at the same time shooting our butt cheeks with an inch and a half needle every night.

So after everything...I became pregnant. And I will never forget it. I am so thankful for this blog so that I had a place to express myself, and one day I can read it myself. As well..and all the support I received while going through this process. all you girls suffered with me and and gave me support. I cried with you when things went wrong, I laughed and rejoiced when your got your BFP!

I have realized it is okay that most of my followers have dwindled down because well..the audience has changed. I feared this would happen..but I have accepted it. And I understand it. When I was going through IVF and trying to conceive, I blocked so many family and friends when they said they were pregnant. But now, that is my life...

It comes with the territory. I get a few comments...and I so appreciate them. I love hearing when you all get your bfp..but for the longest time..I could not hear any bad news regarding IVF or trying to conceive. I feared so much.

I stopped reading most posts about most pregnancy or trying to conceive blogs. Everyday, especially during the first trimester I feared I would miscarry. This was not something that was little or that I was neurotic. I had blood one day..and I had to got to the er. Everything was fine, but I found out later that day that my mom had never told me that she had miscarried after she had me. Then every time I told someone I was pregnant, they were telling me of someone they knew or worked with that had a miscarriage. I turned on the news, and some celebrity had a miscarriage. Then, I would turn on my computer and read about a miscarriage in this community. It was too painful and scary for words. I just kind of stopped blogging and wrote a few times a month. Plus, the first trimester really gets you tired and well morning sickness takes a hold.

But since the second trimester I have been blogging more and learned of so many happy stories. Some sad..And I cried reading them..and I hope with all good thoughts that many of you one day get your baby no matter how you do it..I know you will.

Can I tell you how happy I am to see all the pregnant bellies that I have followed through their pregnancies. I am so happy for so many of you who have struggled and now have given birth or have shared their beautiful nurseries, and the beautiful bellies. You are all so beautiful.

As for my 31 weeks update:

two things.

This baby is healthy! You know how I know..HE WON'T STOP MOVING!!!

seriously...he won't. I can not sleep. That is the one draw back..but I guess this little boy is getting me ready for reality...I went to a breastfeeding class..and well..I have to feed him every hour..to every two hours for the first month.
I never knew how extensive breastfeeding was. It is an art. Very interesting how the baby's saliva tells your body what kind of milk to produce. Very interesting how the baby will be more likely to like one boob than the other or one position because of how he or she was positioned in the womb. All very interesting how natural everything is. But how not natural breastfeeding can be.

I guess I will learn..I think I am a little nervous. I hope I will be maternal and natural with the baby. I think there is a lot of pressure with breastfeeding. I am nervous my milk will not come in. But I will try to go with the flow.

I am off to reading your blogs now:)

Update: My butt can't get any bigger!

2011-10-31T08:15:00.000-07:00

Yes...it is one of those rants again. Last night I was brushing my teeth and I had to do it. Yes! I turned around. I did it because I felt my pants were really tight. My pajama pants are always loose. I could give an excuse like..I just put them on after I did a double laundry load..30 minutes longer than usual..but this was feeling different. SO ...I did it. I turned around and I got the shock of my life!

IT IS HUGE!!!

Okay...I am pregnant..7 months...but really...I had no idea. I was shocked...I actually giggled..it was nervousness. Why didn't anyone tell me. It is enormous!!!

So I walked into the bedroom to where my husband was lying down peacefully reading his book. I lye down next to him and say, "why didn't you tell me my ass was so big." He giggles..but that giggle...really bothered me. So then, I did it...what every women swears they would not do. I asked him, "my butt is big right?"

and guess what he said?????

yep!!!

I was mortified. My own husband is agreeing my ass is as big as a city!!!
Okay...I ask him the same question a couple times..thinking he would so.."no no...it really isn't that big honey...you are sexy..and I like it!!" None of that. He did not give me any bullshit. I wanted bullshit at that moment. But nothing..just plain..you got a big ass women!!( he did not say that...but it is implied)

I guess I can not do anything about this. This is where my weight goes..thighs belly and the butt.

as for other pregnancy happenings:

I am getting closer to my baby shower. It is in the beginning of December....so far: someone has purchased on my registry a genie garbage to get the diaper stink away, a infant carseat, and a portable high chair.

This really is very exciting.

I had a little mini nervous breakdown this weekend. It really was not a breakdown..it is just that every time I go baby shopping..I think of how much everything cost and if we will be able to do it..will I be home..will I go to work..what about the high price of daycare and baby sitters. It just gets me really stressed out. ...

So...yeah...money is not great for us..we get by..but we do not make a lot. I am very appreciative of family who have been gracious to get us any of the registry items..plus a stroller car seat and a crib. I was a little saddened that my brother and wife have not offered anything to us...but that is what it is. maybe they will.. but..the baby will be here in less than 3 months..and they have not brought over anything and never really talked to us about giving us anything. It has been weird. I have heard from other friends that their family gives them a ton of stuff..but here I am and my brother does not even call me. Family....whatever...

I have moved on. I had my little rant about it..but I am realizing...it is what it is...I have faced it and I just can not depend on him.

to fun things: we have decided on a theme..well...three themes..and I believe it is driving my husband nuts.
But here is the thing..I live in California, but I like everything in the UK. I love Beatrix potter theme...but you can only get everything on ebay or from companies in the UK! So frustrating. And I love kind of 20's style as well as vintage. You just can't get these kind of items at babysrus or target. I am very picky.

as for the pregnancy:

How far along: 29 weeks today

Symptoms: a little heartburn...anxiety, lack of sleep, hard time breathing at night, pain when getting up after sitting, hard to get up in the middle of the night. My left foot is swollen by the end of the day. My feet hurt after walking or standing too long. I am getting more tired. A little grumpy. Stuffy nose

Baby Related Purchases: nothing...just looking. My husband thinks if I were to buy something I would feel better...I just look and like..but I have not purchased anything. I feel like I am getting closer...but the room is still empty and that freaks me out.

Maternity clothes: I finally bought maternity clothes...and ...I LOOK PREGNANT! I will post a belly shot later this week..it is so exciting. Before I was just wearing baggy sloppy clothes..but maternity clothes helps you look pregnant. It was great..especially last week for my 15 year high school reunion...it was awesome..I looked pregnant..and I was rubbing my belly..it was really sweet how everyone was coming up and rubbing my belly for luck and talking about their kids and their pregnancy. It was a great time.

Sleep:again..not a lot of it...so I am tired and a little cranky through out the day. I pee just about 10 times a night..and it is hardly anything. That is frustrating. A few times I will go into the bathroom and nothing will come out....what is that about!!! Also...my left hip hurts from sleeping on it..because the doctor says no sleeping on your back or your right side. I wake up at night on my right side and my back..but the baby wakes me up kicking.

Best Moment of the Trimester: watching little Alexander moving around while my husband and I watch! Ohhh..right now he gave a good kick. It is amazing to watch my belly move.. he has been very active. I can not wait to meet the little guy!!!

Strangest Moment: well... the movement. He is very active at times. Sometimes I have to squeeze my husbands arms because the movements shock me and well...it is a little scary to see my belly moving around like in the alien movie. Sorry..but it is a little strange!

Movement: there is a lot. Especially at night after dinner. It is so fun. I really have no idea what is a punch kick or a roll. I have an idea what roll is..but it kind of feels like a pulling and one part of my belly will get really hard. A punch and a kick though..not really...but it makes me jump at times. My mom put her face to my belly and he kicked or punched her..that was funny. And my husband likes to put his face or hand and just feel the baby.

Cravings: nothing actually. That is strange..to not have any cravings...I have had too many pickles though..my fingers are swollen. and I think that is why. I need to cut back on my pickle obsession.

Gender: BOY

What I miss: sleep..yep...a comfortable night sleep on my belly...drooling and all. I have not had a good night sleep in way too long. I miss sushi....and bagels. Since I have gestational diabetes..I have been sworn off yummy ice cream, cake, cookies, and bagels. Just typing this up infuriates me... moving on...

What I am looking forward to: meeting my little Alexander, sleeping well, getting one thing in the nursery, the baby shower, seeing my belly grow more. Going to my breastfeeding class..and swaddling class. Just sitting in my rocker singing to Alexander being able to kiss him and hold him in my arms

Second Trimester) Wisdom: hmmm.. set your boundaries. If you are tired...let yourself take a day off or take that nap...buy lots of pillows for your bed. Ask for help or get that massage that is needed. Buy maternity clothes...listen to that voice that says..no..and vocalize it. This is a time when you may find yourself more willing to say no..and it feels empowering. If you need to cry..do it...it will feel better afterwards..I promise.

Milestones: second week of Third trimester!! Almost 30 weeks. That means 9 more weeks until Alexander is here!! Because I must be induced at 39 weeks since I have gd. This freaks me out..but at the same time..being induced takes the out of control away..I will have an organized timely birth plan. That is good...I can plan the day..unless Alexander chooses to come earlier.

Baby is measuring: 2.5 pounds, 15.25 inches long, a butternut squash. That is huge!!! in my belly!!!!

Giuliana Rancic has Breast Cancer

2011-10-17T08:56:00.000-07:00

So very sad about Giuliana Rancic. She has undergone 3 rounds of IVF, a miscarriage, and now..breast Cancer. She is truly a strong person, and I wish her all the luck. Life is strange..sad sometimes. But she is so inspiring..she sees the positive in this saying..if she didn't do this IVF cycle..they would have never caught her early stages of cancer.

http://www.eonline.com/news/es_giuliana_rancic_reveals_battle_with/269770

I am really sad about this though. Does IVF homornes create breast cancer. I am curious about the side effects now. I will absolutely get an exam after I am done breast feeding or after the baby is born.

On Insulin Now: Gestational Diabetes

2011-10-16T16:54:00.000-07:00

Well.. you just heard it..I am on Insulin at night because my Fasting numbers when I wake up are too high. And to be honest, my other numbers breakfast and lunch are too high as well. I will go over these issues with my doctor on Monday..so the insulin shots will probably be increased. They started me off with a low dose any ways, in fear of hyperglycemia..so..now that it is not working, I will be probably pumped with more insulin.I think because of IVf, with all the shots with the lupron and menupur..I am fine with the shots..they are not painful or scary at all. Especially with the progesterone inch and a half in the bumm, these are nothing compared to those monsters...ouch..and what a pain in othe ass literally. So...I will just focus o the positive right now..and wait until MOnday to talk to the rude doctors. Oh wait..let me just rant one more negative..because I really need to get this off my chest:

The doctors at my HMO ( Kaiser-San Francisco) have really kind of pissed me off. There are two kinds of drugs yu can take for gestational diabetes. oral( glyburide) or insulin (shots) If you go to babycenter.com or just type it in google..there are so many reason not to take it. It passes the placenta, the manufacturer recommends not to use it during pregnancy. Many doctors and hospitals do not allow it during pregnancy, and well..it often does not work and you have to eventually go on insulin..oh..and it has no long term studies. Insulin on the other hand has been on the market for decades, there are many studies, and it works quicker.

So, I have my regular obgyn, she says I am sending you to another doctor to give you information on the two options, so I will not see you for this monthly appointment. I go and see him, and he saying bluntly I do not know anything about this medicine, but Kaiser would not offer any meds that would harm you. Okay..I say thank you for your info, I want insulin...goodbye.

Then I go to the next appointment they set me up with( the high risk team of 10 doctors that I will be now seeing, They inform me that I will not be seeing my old doctor I have seen for 10 years, and have been seeing me since I was pregnant.( I am feeling in one way yes..they are going to monitor me more..but no goodbye..to my old doctor..again...like when I got pregnant form UCSF from IVF...and they just said..there you go..good luck. There is just no closure or connection with any of these doctors.

So, I see literally 5 doctors the following two hours. The first doctor comes in and tells me why Glyburide is really good. I say, I have made up my mind with insulin, but she still goes on. Then she says how my baby can die and get really big so I will have to be induced at 39 weeks or if the baby is really big, there will have to be a c-section. Yes..at this point I am feeling extremely vulnerable and just pissed off they are scaring me. MInd you..I saw a dietician they gave me a diet...and my blood levels are still very high when I wake up. Now this week, my blood levels are high almost every meal and I am eating what they told me to eat and I am on insulin..yes...I am totally freaking out. So..to go on with this 5 doctor 2 hour doctors appointment on Friday:

the first doctor comes in and tells me about the glyburide and then says, oh here is your doctor actual doctor, we shake hands and she then comes in with a study report about glyburide. I say Again, I have decided on Insulin, she says, well..I just want to go over this with you. She was not respecting me at all. After 10 minutes of wasting my time, I interrupt and say, is there a difference between the effect between the two. She says, let me finish. She does for another 5 minutes ad then says no. There is no difference. I say thank you.. but I want insulin. She has the nerve to ask why. Why are all these doctors pushing this drug? She then proceeds to tell me how if I do not get a flu shot...I can die. I am so pissed off at this point..that I say no thank you..and wait for her to leave. we then go and see a dietician, who treats me like I do not know servings. As if it is my fault my sugar numbers are high. NO..it is because I am doing everything right and I have gestational diabetes. But I bite my tongue and go with it. Then, they send me to a person to go over the insulin shots. She comes in and the first words she utters is...you are my last patient I am retiring today. Well... yeah...she so did not seem to care.. ..she was such a bad teacher. Thank god I learned from UCSF for the IVF, I would have been screwed!! So...then I have been home following the plan, injecting the insulin and nothing has changed. Sometimes after my meals it works, but the fasting in the morning is the same.

On to Medication For GD

2011-10-12T12:51:00.000-07:00

So, on it goes. This is a very angry rant! I am so angry!!!!!!!! My Gestational Diabetic Diet
After 5 days of my diet and exercise the dietician told me to eat, I am having horrible numbers for my fasting numbers, which means I eat a snack at 9pm, wake up at 6am and test my numbers. It is too high. and increasing. So..after 5 days..I have to go in today and talk to a doctor about taking insulin shots or oral meds. I have no info on any of this information. I heard the oral meds are not good. somehow they cross the placenta. I don't know..I have been pouting and crying the last few days. I am so pissed after 100 injections for IVF, now I have to get the shots more..plus they say it takes a while.

I am just so flustered,...and feel out of control. I can not get into all my emotions...because I am at work..all I know is as soon as I get into my car..I will have a good cry!

I will update what my new doctor says this afternoon.

I have Gestational Diabetes

2011-10-06T10:35:00.000-07:00

I am going to be a dramatic women for the next couple of days. I am a nervous wreck for my baby...I do not care if I have to eat nasty food..I just want my blood level correct so my baby is healthy. I have done so much. Sooo sooo soo much to have this baby..and now..I feel extremely guilty. I feel if I was not not overweight..it would be fine. The doctors warned me that I was prediabetic. I lost 35 pounds before the IVF..but now...here it is staring me in the face. I have to live with this and I have to have thoughts in my head that are only positive..because I want my baby Alexander to be healthy. I am typing this at work and doing everything I can to hold back these tears.

So today...I am going to my machine and learn to use it. Not looking forward to being a pin cushion again!

then tomorrow..I have a 9:30am appointment with a dietician.

Right now...I am just really upset.

I did not faint!!! Yay ME~

2011-10-05T14:16:00.000-07:00

Thanks to all of you who have been so supportive. I am still waiting on my gestational diabetes test results. But I did it!!

I did not faint..even though I Got my blood taken 4 times in 3 hours! Yes..it is called the 3 hour glucose test. It sounds so nice and sweet..but it is not. I got my blood taken at 8, 9, 10, and 11 am!! and got to taste a very sweet drink that I had to guzzle down in 5 minutes. Even though it really was not something I would ever want to do ever again in my lifetime...it was survivable.

But I am so proud I did not faint. I am seriously going to celebrate..as soon as I get some energy. MY energy is gone right now. ANd the baby..he is a little calm..not a lot of kicking lately.

Anyways...thanks again for being so supportive. I need it:)

3 Hour Glucose test Wednesday!

2011-10-04T08:27:00.000-07:00

Well...tomorrow is my 3 hour glucose test. Tonight at 10:30 to 11;30 I will have a half sandwich and a glass of milk. Then not eat anything else. I will go in Wednesday Morning at 8am they will take my blood. Then, I will drink a sugar soda..it really taste not bad..but after an hour..it starts to make me feel sick. Oh...and I have to drink it in 5 minutes time. Then an hour later I get another blood test. Then, another hour, another blood test. Then, one hour later, a blood test. That is a whole lot of blood test. I do not want to faint. ...but..here is my anxiety.

I have fainted many times before. Some of the ladies that have taken my blood are not good. But...I will breathe, I will deal with this..because I have a baby that is counting on me to be strong. I just have a lot of fear. I was thinking, maybe this is all a test. A test to see how strong I am. I am challenged in my life with pain. Not that I have had a ton of pain, some have had so much more pain than I have. But pain is a weakness of mine and I do not deal with it correctly. I get nervous, and think of all the horrible things that could happen, my stomach gets full of butterflies and my throat gets all dry and I start to sweat. It really is a mind thing that creates a physical thing. There are some great skilled people that can draw blood. And if they are not the best, I am not going to die from it, nor is it that painful. Yes...what gets me is the out of control feeling. But in reality, I have been through far worse. The 69 progesterone shots that were an inch and a half. I can handle this, and the sooner the better right. I need to know if I am diabetic because I need to take care of my baby. I just need to remember to breathe correctly and not panic while the blood is being taken.

I have also been having anxiety dreams. A few nights ago I had a dream I was back in the Ivf process and I got pregnant then lost it from a miscarriage. I woke up really sad..then last night I had a dream I fell down on my back. I woke up at 2:30 from this dream and tried to calm myself..I just said..this is a sign that well.I have to pay very careful of my surroundings.

On a more positive subject..my baby shower has been picked for Dec 4. The due date is Jan. 17th, so the 4th of December seemed perfect. I would have picked earlier in November, but the holidays are around that time, and people have company and getting ready for cooking and family coming over. So here is my dilemma, I have not done anything for my registry at all. I was thinking, my husband and I look it over this weekend and by Monday...write a little note about the registry for each invite with the website. Or I can write the three websites that have chosen for a registry and say..something like, by November1st..the list on the registry will be available. Not sure, but I just get so overwhelmed with the registry.

List for the registry:
my mother in law is getting the stroller- so that is off the list
my mom got the crib and mattress- so that is off the list

So I think possible list options:
bassinet, bottles, breastpumo( my mom said not to put that on..too personal),
diapers, wipes, carseat- but..I have heard of the 2 or 3 in one stroller+carseat,
swaddles, rocker, changing table, diaper genie, motion glider, rock on, baby carrier, burp cloths, bottles, high chair, or portable high chair, white noise machine, baby bedding, night light, baby bathtub, baby wash soap, baby monitor, first aid kit, bulb syringe, digital thermometer, baby scissors and clippers, baby friendly laundry detergent,

whoa..that is a lot of stuff..but of all different prices. Not really sure if I should pick from Baby r US, or there is registry.com where it is an online store where you can pick from many different websites. Still confused what to do...and so many options for each thing. It might just be easier to go to one store an pick everything from that store. But for now..I will fantasize about everything:)

Gestational Diabetes?!

2011-09-30T14:16:00.000-07:00

Yes...there are more needles to come for me. I thought I was done with needles because I was done with IVF..but no. I have actual had to go every 4 weeks to check on my thyroid. Which, recently at 22 weeks got too high so I have had to increase it. Then, now this week at 24 weeks, I had my gestational diabetes one hour test to check if my levels were high. And yep!! They were. The level should not be above 139. Mine was 156. So...I had a melt down. Yes..I did. I am still having a melt down. I got so upset last night...because I did everything I could to get pregnant..100 injections, surgeries, biopsies. I can not handle a life one day of pricking my fingers to get blood, and then insulin injections 3 times a day. I just do not want to do it. ..............

I will do it for my little angel Alexander..but I just can not bare to think of the emotions and pain that I will have to go through. I am sure it will not be as bad as I am imagining, but I am really emotional right now. I have been at work and i just can not concentrate. And my mom..who is my boss..keeps making me get up so I can walk and repeating.you need to decrease your carbs. I really want to say shut up!!! She is making me feel so guilty. I feel guilty enough..but the fact that she is complaining about my exercise or lack there of, and the food I am injesting is beginning to really get me to the edge. I just want a normal pregnancy....that is all I wanted from the beginning. and it never seems to be happening! I also need to know what to eat fro a pregnancy, hypothyroidism, and gestational diabetes. Oh I forgot to mention I have to go in middle of next week for a 3 hour glucose test. They take my blood, then drink a nasty drink..wait three hours, take my blood again, and then take my blood again. Did I mention I faint sometimes with my blood taken. This sucks!! Three times..once is enough to make me oozy plus I have to fast for three hours. So not looking forward to any of this!:(

I am just thinking, this baby better appreciate me..I tell you... I am going to need some therapy. I have actually thought...therapy would be really helpful for me right now. I have body issues, health issues, and my relationship with my husband is really weird.

Last night I found out my blood levels were bad and my husband was sweet and said, it is okay..and tried to calm me down, but said it is scary though. i said i felt like crying, and he said go ahead honey. And I let out a huge cry...tears falling down like a waterfall. Then we went home and I went and walked on the treadmill as he cooked us dinner. When i got back, he said he was going to go get a massage.

The selfish irrational person that I am right now thought to myself...I am the one having the breakdown, why are you going for a massage. I did not say anything but I wished that he got me the massage to calm me. I felt really..well I feel really selfish for thinking these thoughts, but,....I feel like he is not thinking of me. My rational thought process says, yes he is...he cooked me dinner, he consoled me when I cried, and he needs to take care of himself too. But my irrational brain is winning with feelings because I could really use that massage right now..but money is tight. He makes more than me, but I am not going to ask him for it. I feel myself being a little passive aggressive and trying to contain it. Maybe just putting this down might calm me down. You know...I may be a little off too because my thyroid level went from 2.69 to .88. That is a quick jump and pretty close to hyerthyroidism. My body is all out of wrack with blood, thyroid, and pregnancy hormones. I really just want to be by myself at home watching a comedy or dramatic chick flick.
As for now..I will try to contain myself at work....finish the day, go work out and get into bed. i can not wait to got to sleep. I have about 8 more hours!

People say I don't look pregnant

2011-09-25T09:18:00.000-07:00

Yes...this will be a little of a vent.
I am one day shy of 24 weeks. I was so excited to share with everyone( my families side) at a wedding how i am 24 weeks pregnant. From my husband's grandma- to the women serving our dinner, everyone's response is, " you do not look pregnant."

I have to say, I almost started crying...but I could not go into total wimpy mode because of family and a room full of happy strangers dancing a celebrating a couples love. My hubby noticed right away there was something wrong. He asked and I told. He said I looked pregnant. he could tell..well..then about 10 minutes ago i asked him to take a picture..and he said..this is not going to be a good picture because you are not showing enough.

but there it is above.

I think I look pregnant. But maybe because I am not skinny, the bump is not as pronounced. Not sure..but I am feeling very sad. I always thought when i became pregnant, I would get the oh your pregnant and such from strangers and family. I never thought I would just look fat. Maybe this is just my insecurities talking, but the negative self talk is pretty strong lately. So, anyways..on to more positive thoughts,...

besides the whole body image issue..the family has and is very sweet and asks how I am feeling..talks about the name and all are very happy we are pregnant. My mother in law..bought cute clothes for Alexander already and I am able to talk to her about my fears and excitement of being a first time mother. That is really nice. Everyone seems really happy and awaiting a new little boy into their family. That is what I will take from this experience.i have to go now for another family gathering. I need to keep my sadness inside and just think..I am pregnant and healthy.

From one Infertile to another! A few tips.

2011-09-21T08:40:00.000-07:00

Welcome new and veteran ICLW.ers.

I have been through trying to conceive, been through IVF and succeeded the first time. I am currently 23 weeks! I know how lucky I am with the last point. There are so many couples who have to go through the torture of IVF, IUI many times. It is a very emotionally and physically draining process and that can cause issues in your friendships and with your partner as well. Don't ever give up on your dream though, whether is it going a different route, adoption, embryo surrogate, or so many other options. You will eventually be a mom and dad. If you are in limbo, or just finding out about your infertility, take a deep breath, and take care of yourself. It can be so depressing, but with friends, family, and this wonderful community, you will find the strength that is needed to survive these hard times.

If you are in the middle of your IVF process, I hope you are surviving the needle stage. Remember, with the needles in the stomach, pinch, and breathe, poke. If you feel itchy afterwards, remember to put witch hazel on. Oh and the hot flashes, they are a bitch. Try to dress in layers, and stay away from shopping. I remember whenever I went shopping or to target, I got so itchy and hot. Be sure to do something that you love and enjoy after the shots. As I write this, I only remember a few things. So if although you are going through physical hell right now with all the shots and hormones, you will be able to forget it for the most part. It will soon be just a distant memory..a memory you can be proud of. You are working very hard to make the dream of a baby a reality. And you can do this!

I wish you all luck in your journey, and you can read past posts that I have written of my IVF experience. Some are funny, and some are emotional. Probably most are my hormonal rants and raving about how this sucks. Because in many ways...it really did suck! I am not going to deny the fact that the needles were no fun, the hormones were overwhelming me and possessing me of my happy go lucky self.

ANYWAYS...I have to get back to catching up. There are some great posts lately. I love this community.

Baby shower in The Jewish Tradition

2011-09-06T07:48:00.000-07:00

So as long as I have wanted a baby..(since I was 10) I have dreamed of having a full baby and being surrounded by my favorite aunts and friends and family members. Seeing lots of baby blue or pretty girly pink..with maybe a diaper cake and everyone rubbing my belly saying "oh your glowing" Getting wisdom of parenting advice while others tell me nightmare stories of their own labor stories. Then of course a few tears and a warm wishful toasts as everyone drinks champagne and I drink apple cider.

Yep! I have it down to the T!

Well, if Infertility has taught me anything, it is not to expect anything. So I am driving home with with my mom in the car..( I drop her off every night because we work in the family business together) and she says to me.."you know I have to say, in the Jewish Religion..Jews do not have the baby shower until after the baby is born".

I automatically get pissed off because back story: she threw a baby shower for my sister in law almost 2 years ago! WTH!!!

And we are not even Religious. Yes we celebrate The high holy days and hannuka..but really we do not follow any rules or traditions. There are a few things I have done that has been religious. My brother and I had our Bat and bar Mitva's- and before my paternal grandma passed away) my father's side of the family was orthodox jewish.kosher..and went to temple and really put a lot of effort into their Jewish Community in New York and Florida) she asked me to have a Rabbi at our wedding. My husband is not Jewish..so she felt it was important to emphasize the importance that she wanted us to be blessed by a rabbi.

Well..my mom said during the drive, I am not saying I do not want to throw you a baby shower, but it is bad luck. I said okay..mom..that is fine..I do not need one. I dropped her off, and I ate half a bag of chips and vented to my husband who was driving and just smiled at me and listened and his advice:
lets go get some ice cream. I got excited and almost forgot about the disappointing news of not setting up a nursery and having a baby shower.

So we are there at the ice cream shop and I turn to look over at the frozen yogurt section,...and there he is him and his wife the rabbi that blessed us at the wedding. I forgot to say, as my mom walked out of the car to go home, she told me to look up more about the taboo and find out why it is a taboo to not have the baby shower before the baby is born.

Well..what a coincidence..call it fate or a sign, god..what have you. I was delighted and flabbergasted! We greeted each other we announced we were pregnant and they said they would be delighted to bless the child and our home. I am so excited. But then I could not restrain myself. I had to ask. so I told them of the conversation I had with my mom and the rabbi said it was introduced when there was a high mortality rate and no testing to see if the baby is okay, So now it is just a superstition. It is to protect the parents from a horrible grieving process if the baby does not make it. They said the nursery just normally is not made up until the baby is born. Other than that..it is not in the law of the Jewish books,...it is just superstition..among mainly orthodox Jews.

So I called my mom and she was just as in shock that I bumped into the rabbi after our conversation. Needless to say..I am having a baby shower and I am setting up my nursery. I have that right..and I have been to the doctor and had ultrasounds..my baby is healthy and he will be coming home mid January.

So that is it: I am planning a baby blue theme with animals!

Vent and Relationship Topic

2011-09-05T08:07:00.000-07:00

So I need to just vent here for a minute! I am 21 weeks pregnant today yippeeeeeee!!! so thrilled..but every time I take a step anywhere, my feet feel like they are are pins and needles and my lower back is killing me. Don't get me wrong, I would do IVF a million times to be where where I am, but I am in a little of pain here.

And MY inner bitchiness has come out as well. I am fighting with my husband a lot. I do not know what to say about this. I just want to nest and the house to look perfect, and I am not getting out the message in the right way. In my head, I believe I am saying okay, next project next project, and he hears me yelling out orders. Not sure if he is more sensitive or I am being rude. It kills me that I am hurting him or irritating him in this way. I may need to reevaluate how I approach him or anybody else. Maybe this hormones or getting to me. and yes..maybe I have been a little on the grumpy side because I am in pain from my back and feet, tired, and still very sensitive to smells. I threw up at work from a bad smell from the kitchen on Friday and Yesterday on Sunday I through up from the garbage smell. Sometimes, I feel as if i am still not in control of my body.

I wish I was one of those women who find being pregnant to be a great time of peace with the self and liberation. I wish I felt proud and sexy with my new belly, but I don't. I am working on it, but people stare and rub my belly, and i do not feel good about it. I thought I would like the attention, but I do not look all glowy and sexy like the celebrities. I look tired, and flabby, I am in pain, and gassy.

okay,..that was a major vent.

ON the positive side: my home looks beautiful and extremely organized! Everything is organized and although I asked my husband to do his 5 loads of laundry( mind you we share a closet) and him giving me a huge attitude for saying I would like him to do the laundry...he eventually did it. I am very happy that he has helped me and eventually does what I ask him to do..but why the attitude. I think I still, I need to work on my delivery. At least that is what he says I need to do and that is what being in a relationship means. I respect my husband and even though he really pisses me off sometimes, and our stubbornness gets us in some pretty heating arguments, we learn from each other and we are better because we push each other. We have pushed each other to grow up and be a better people since we were 16 together.

Do any of you have this same argument with your husbands or boyfriends? Any advice on how to get the message out with better delivery>

oh..and my feet hurt but the massage from the hubby sure helps!

I have been cooking lately too. Knowing me, it is a shocker! I don't cook, I do not like to cook, and frankly it scares me! So,...any easy recipes would be greatly appreciated:)

Here are a few tips from online websites:

1)Listen to your husband, rather than talking over him. Both of you are entitled to your own opinions, so never dismiss his feelings or thoughts because they don't coincide with yours.

2) Refrain from micromanaging a task you give to your husband. If he does a chore or favor for you and it's not the way you would do it, thank him for his effort and calmly explain that a different method might work better next time. Try not to speak down to him, since you both should be equal in the relationship

3)Avoid negative facial expressions, body language and tone of voice when asking your husband to do something. Scowling looks, crossed arms and a raised voice are all detrimental in any situation and will limit your husband's willingness to help you out.

4)Stick to the issue at hand, and don't look for the upper hand in a conflict. Do not start out with one argument and then bring up everything else your husband has done wrong recently. Focus on the present issue, and be willing to listen to his point of view to create a solution. Practice proper communication by repeating what your husband said to make sure you understand from where he's coming.

a negative and a turn off with husbands with nagging wives:

A Nagging Attitude

There is something about men that gets women to nag them especially as the relationship ages. Most men complain about the hard time they have contending with the continuous complaints and scorns that their wife dishes out in the name of self improvement. Women on the other hand have no clue what the fuss is all about, after all they are only trying to “improve” their man.

Have a great labor day:)
hugs-
Marilyn

a little more posting!

2011-09-03T10:04:00.000-07:00

I am reading the posts..and I am mad at myself for not blogging and being a part of this community. I have been so busy moving and being self absorbed with my pregnancy that I have missed out on so many exciting journeys you have been on. The last hour I have been commenting and crying!!! I am so happy for all the new pregnancies, the adoptions as well. I am here for you for you new IUI, IVF, and 2ww angels! I am crying remembering what I went through..this is a hard journey! And now at two days away from 21 weeks, I am faced with the memories of how special this baby is and what I went through.

OH...here are a few symptoms I left out:
I feel the baby moving! yes...my husband read to him every night..yes..at first it looked like he was talking to my woowoo! but now..as the belly is getting really round and he does look like he is talking to our little ALexander

well..here are some not so fun symptoms:
1) emotional_ cried at the bank yesterday
2) constipation or weird shifting of the intestines
3) extreme bossyness and anal behavior with my husband

I went and deposited a check at the bank in the atm..I put the check in for $1132.22. The receipt came out $132. Well.. no one at the bank would help me and the manager said she is the manager, then would say i am not the manafger. She initially made me wait for a half an hour and did not look at me, as I watched her help three more people. Very rude! Yeah..I will not be going back there. in fact..it is best not to deposit checks in an atm, or a bank located in a grocery store. But..really..I had no control of my anger..at the end the said 10 days until i can get the check into my bank and it is labor day..so two weeks until it is in my bank. Yeah..burns a little

then the constipation. So the uterus at 20 weeks starts miving above the belly button. I guess than transfers and the intestines around. it is pretty weird feeling. The constipation is no fun..I have to remind myself to drink lots of water.

then the analness! Well.. we moved into this new nice apartment/ I want it to be perfect, baby proof and clean. My husband and I have known each other since we were 16. So we are kind of kids..well not anymore but we grew up together and sometimes our immaturity comes out. We are messy and bicker like we are high school hormonal teenagers. He does not like throwing away things and he hates moving. so he has been really sensitive lately and I want things to be perfect for the baby..I am having a hard time getting him to be more open,...mind you he has a lot of clothes. In so many cases, men actually have more clothes than women!

21 weeks and In my new home

2011-09-03T08:34:00.000-07:00

Here I am: in my new home! I am very excited to be in my new home with a nursery available to set up. It has been a crazy week of working 6am to 7 to 7pm! I am smiling from ear to ear singing and dancing it is the weekend. Did I tell you there is an ice cream shop one block away from my house and it is going to be in the 90's this weekend! I am so excited! It has been more than 10 years since I have lived where there is sun! If any of you have lived or visited San Francisco, you know what I am talking about! Fog city! Nice to visit..but I was raised in a sunny small town..and San Francisco was just too much for me..with the heavy traffic, bad drivers, bad energy....and well the fog.

Here in my new home town....people are a little slower, smile and say hi. Kids and teenagers are walking and talking, kids are running in the streets and playing at the park. Last night we went for a walk through the neighborhood. We saw father's walking with their sons, couples walking their dogs, older men watering their garden, and walked to a park, with green grass for soccer and baseball, with children running and playing int he park, and a group of men playing a serious game of soccer. It was so refreshing. I had realized that in my home town, I never saw any kids running around.

As for my pregnancy, the ligaments are starting to hurt a little. Long painful burns...and I am amazed how much I am growing. I have gained about a pound a week. I still feel very guilty about gaining weight. My doctors have me worried about gestational diabetes. I am sure everything will be alright, but all my doctors say I am pre pre diabetic. ...well whatever that means!

Lately I have not felt very sexy. sex..what is that. Yeah...first time in my life not feeling it at all.
Hmm..had a little shocker this week. My feet swelled up! Not a little.. my right ankle was missing!!! well..I went home and about 3 hours with lifting them and ice..it got better. I am going to keep my feet up while I work at my desk and remember to walk around every hour and limit the salt.

Okay..I have some catching up to do! I hope you all are okay.

It's a boy!!!

2011-08-26T12:26:00.000-07:00

It's a boy!!!

We are so he is healthy too!!! Growing, has all 10fingers and all 10 toes! It was amazing meeting him again yesterday at the second level sonogram. a little uncomfortable as the guy pressed on my uterus and stomach. But all worth it. I am so overwhelmed with joy. His name will be Alexander. Alex for short, Alenxander if he needs to be disciplined. I want to plan his nursery, I have dreamed of this and now..I actually get to!:) I have lived in a one bedroom for so long, and now, we finally found an apartment with a two bedroom with the washer and dryer in the facility. This is great. We were going to get a loan for a condo and home, but the market is still crashing, and with our price range the home are in need of a lot of work..that we do not have time and money at the time. And as for condos, the hoa's just gets too expensive. So, we found a nice apartment complex, gated, quiet, spacious.

I have been silent in the blog world for a while, but I have been thinking of all of you and hope everyone is doing okay. I am going to go now and catch up with my favorite bloggers:) This may take some time, maybe a week!:)

oh..symptoms:
I feel my uterus growing. It is a little painful at times. Like menstral pains. I have a lot more energy now at 19 weeks. My belly is getting larger and harder. I have felt a few flutters, but not much. My placenta in against the back wall..so I believe you feel more and more quickly if it is centered int he front. Not sure about all that...read it at babycenter.com

hmmm...sleeping has been better, but still waking up constantly to pee. I am hungry too!!

Alright have to go blog and then get back to packing. I have three day to move! this is insane!

Lots of Emotions!

2011-08-07T13:48:00.000-07:00

I feel so relaxed sitting on my couch typing about my growing belly. I sit here awaiting one more day to my 17th week! I am so happy IVF has worked out for me. I know some of you are still awaiting your baby or might be in the middle of your IVF or IUI process. I hope everything is going well. I found frequent stops for ice cream and spoiling myself at the IVF or trying too make a baby process very helpful. Take care of your self right now..call your friends, do things that you and your hubby enjoys. I am sure you will find that there are those two or three people that are truly cheering for you. Spend time with them and confide in them,...they can truly make your day a little brighter. My mom was that person. She called me everyday. For me, everyone else seemed to be watching from afar and smiling with hope in their eyes. If I was in a bad mood, I just saw pity, but I am sure they just wanted to hear that I was expecting, little did most of them know how hard and sad pain and the torture often brought me to. Music was helpful and often just a good cry while I was driving. I was so very very emotional. and then they had to add all the crazy hormones and surgeries, I was a hot mess! Well....I am pregnant now, and I am often still a hot mess.

Let's see, my recent emotional breakdown. Work...I got so heated, I lashed out at one of the nicest people in the World. I went straight into her office afterwards and started balling and I swore..a lot. She is Catholic..a very religious women, so I am sure this was shocking for her. She is such an angel. I swear she missed her calling: mother Teresa! I love her so much. I am not too religious, but some of the very religious people in my life, have made me very happy when I am with them. Such patience, and love they have. Religious or not...they are just warm and loving people.

I think this post is a very strange random thought..so thanks for trying to keep up. I can hardly keep up with all my thoughts lately. I have been sad one minute, angry the next, excited the next, and frightened for the future the next. Sometimes these extreme emotions gets my heart beating pretty fast. I need to breathe. I thought maybe blogging would help..getting out some thoughts and maybe some of you have been going or have gone through such a crazy plethora of emotions.

1) angry- I think this must be from the lack of sleep. Waking up every hour to pee and hunger at 6 am is getting old. I have tried a few things. But nothing helped more than my doctor calming me down about sleeping on my back or my stomach. She said it is fine, as long as it does not hurt or my legs are going numb. Work has been a little stressful, the boss can be rude

2) scared- well the main thing right now: labor, and then how to deal with finances. I have no plan. Do I stay a few weeks or months at home. I am not financially secure to be a stay at home. You know, I just really wanted a baby, but had the idea that everything will work out. I know it all will work out, but there are so many items and things to think about. I am just really overwhelmed. I guess the biggest thing right now is in a few months we will start to look for a home. The price of our home is really important, since we need to think about other bills and daycare, and things like a dryer in home if I choose to save money for cloth diapers. I mean we live in northern California so, we can only afford a condo and all these condos do not have washer and dryers in homes. I can not imagine having to do laundry with a baby down stairs or what not..and that is another price as well. So yeah..I am completely stressed out about this issue. I could get a house, but it will be an old house, in not a great area. Who knows, I guess in a few months, I will be closer to finding the answer. I just wish I could be nesting and comfortable and ready to set up a nice room for my baby.
whoa..that was a mouthful! how about on to number 3!

3) happy- this is mainly what I feel. In my second trimester..I am energetic. I cleaned the house Yeah!!!! My husband was happy about this. I was sick and tired a lot during the first trimester. I am laughing a lot at home and at work. I think everyone is picking it up, sometimes I just giggle. Yesterday my husband and I started laughing so hard..I almost peed a little. He was making fun of the way I was walking. My butt( I think is growing at the speed of light) was sticking out when was walking. Okay. I am laughing right now...uncontrollably. oKay..hold on..give me a minute!!!
......
okay..I am okay now. I am not sure why I am walking weird. I went to the bathroom the other day, and I just was curious and looked at my butt in the mirror.
...
IT WAS HUGE!! I was shocked! A little embarrassed. I am walking around with this massive ass!!! OMG!!
okay..anyways..I have only gained one pound a week after the hormones ended:) I am proud of that and I am walking and eating pretty healthy. I am pregnant and I am going to gain weight..I have to get used to this!

this leads to number 4!

4) excitement- I am going to get bigger in the next three weeks. I am so excited to get a really big bump and in the next few weeks I get to feel my baby kick! AHHHHH!!! This is majorly keeping me in a good mood. No matter if I have a minute or two meltdown..I am anxiously awaiting my baby letting me know he is in there. I look at my belly more than 10 times a day. Yes..I am obsessed with my baby in there. I am confused and concerned at times. I do not feel anything..but I know he or she is in there. Oh..as for he or she..August 25th is the gender ultrasound!! So I have the names. I was thinking today and yesterday.I may keep it a surprise, from everyone except for hubby. Not sure if I have the strength to do that, but maybe it could be fun... I will keep the name a secret though..I think. I am pretty weak when it comes to secrets. I break pretty easily.

Alright..I better stop now..I could write more, but this is a lot for one post. I hope you all are having a nice relaxing weekend

Hugs

Tomorrow I am 16 weeks!

2011-07-31T11:48:00.000-07:00

How far along: tomorrow I Am 16 weeks! Whoa!!!

Baby is the size of: Avocado

Symptoms: I am so happy not to feel sick anymore. Ligament pain..especially if I sit too long and then get up. If I do not eat a little every one and a half hours, I actually feel sick and throw up. headaches often..but not seriously bad. Congestion and stuffy nose

Weight gain: well..I gained 10 pounds during the IVF process, but since getting pregnant..5 pounds. I have some guilt about this..trying to work through it. I fear gestational diabetes since I am overweight. SO far so good though. I walk at least 4 hours a week. Now that I have more energy..I will step it up.

Maternity clothes -none that I have bought. But my mom bought me a few shirts and a dress that is so comfortable. It makes me really look pregnant though.

Sleep: getting better..but still a lot of tossing and turning. I have been a stomach sleeper my whole life, and have never slept with a pillow. So now..that the books and doctors say to sleep on your side,...and best way to sleep is on the left side..it has been a struggle. I love falling asleep on my back and then when I start falling asleep, I turn on my stomach. So, for the first few months, I did not get any sleep..tossing and turning and freaking out when I would wake up on my back and of course the waking up to pee every hour. Now I have a better rhythm. I got a memory foam pillow( so comfortable)and I put a thin pillow between my knees. It is not perfect, but much better. I also need a window open because I wake up from overheating and can hardly breathe unless the window is open. This is new for me because I normally like the house roasting when I sleep.

Movement: Umm..not really. Can't really determine if it is gas or little movements from my little angel.

Cravings: pickles, olives, and cheese. Pesto has been good to. Anything cold and vinegary.

What I miss: sleeping on my stomach. and...Sex again. The hubby is scared of hurting the baby. I swear...frustrating. He is frightened. He is always asking what I am eating..he won't let me eat any fish..and he wakes me up every time he sees I am on my back. The other day he saw ambulance on the freeway and started calling me to make sure I was okay. I did not answer and he started freaking out. I think I need to reassure him I am okay a little more often. He is so worried. He loves me..very sweet..but the worrying is not good for his stress level.

Strangest moment: my husband says the conception. MY mom was in the room. Sorry..cracking up right now. Who can say their mother was in the room at conception! lol A doctor was too though....thank you UCSF IVF department! I thought it was beautiful!!! Okay...and the strange morning sickness during the first trimester. "oh honey I do not feel well"..next 10 seconds running to the bathroom. Seriously it just happens without a lot of warning.

Gender: not sure yet..we will find out August 25th!!!

What I look forward to: everything. Baby showers, finding out the gender! I have the names already and I can not wait until my belly really pops so I do not look like I am just chubby. I really can not wait to feel the baby kick! or hiccup.

Milestones: second trimester! Very happy. I got to tell everyone. That felt great.

I like these question answers..does anyone have anymore of these? They are kind of fun:)
I hope you all are having a fun and relaxing weekend.
Hugs,
Marilyn

Crazy Pregnancy Symptoms

2011-07-22T15:26:00.000-07:00

Now I remember why I started Blogging. Really because it is because of this community. YOU all have such wisdom, humor, and compassion. I have been struggling with lots of issues lately: My body image during this pregnancy( and well..since I was 10) fear of miscarriage and actually reading it hear often in our community( which makes me so sad and fearful. and angry), my hormonal rollercoaster from the extra hormones and the natural extra hormones from the pregnancy, the change of my job, and how I will be as a parent( financially, geographically, and emotionally).

The above issues need a couple posts each. But right now...I just want to talk about the BABY!!
AHHH.. I am so excited! The baby is alive and well. I guess I can not call it a baby..a fetus..because seriously..it is still developing..and it has a long way to go. But it looks way more like a baby at 14 weeks that at 9 weeks. It is so amazing how much development occurs from 9 to 14 weeks. And let me tell you..it is not like you do not feel it.

I am so shocked with these crazy symptoms that have been occurring. I am disappointed women throughout my life who have had babies do not talk about such issues. Like for instance:
-the ripping feeling you have as your uterus grows.
ouch!! seriously..ouch~ No warning or anything! I thought I was getting my period.
-and what about the bubbly feeling if I do not eat every hour. Bread and saltines..people..get a huge supply when you get pregnant!! Start buying it now!! Costco or the dollar store!
-from week 8 to 14- morning sickness. Do not drink water with food, do not eat tomato sauce( or limit)
make lots of dishes that are cold, instead of hot..the smell from hot food will not make you happy.
-celebrate when you hit the 13 week and the new symptom is stuffy nose. Trust me..it is a blessing because you stop gagging from any scent coming from a mile away!
-your skin is going to get dry....so go to the store and get your favorite scented lotions. Cucumber scent has been my favorite..I would have to put it on my hands as I passed the kitchen at work.
- my hormones made me( let's be real-- still make me) crazy. Especially if I am hungry or I let the hunger go to long and well...I become a monster.

Now in the second Trimester( 14 weeks)

I am not as emotional( thanks to no more PIO shots), and the morning sickness has subsided for the most part.

Here are some embarrassing symptoms...
-your boobs..what is up with the white bumps. Not sexy..at all!!
-The gassiness. Let's just say there is no control over here!!! I will just walk into the room, and boom! It happens! It is so embarrassing. My husband just stares at me..and gives me a look like..really? No warning? Yeah..no warning..don't give me that look mister!! Let's have you carry this growing baby! Beautiful baby..but it is actually growing inside me! Holy Shit!!

Yes..there are moments where everything is fine and I will be doing my thing, and all of a sudden I will come back to reality and get completely shocked..I have a growing freaking baby inside of me!! My eyes look all shocked and I start to breath heavily!! I have to calm myself from excitement and yes..a little fear. I tried to explain this fear to my husband, but he was like, you signed up for this! lol

He really needs to gain some sympathy!! Okay..he is pretty great. We go shopping, and I get everything under the sun..and some really random food like lots of pickles and olives. We get to the car and bring them home and I am so nervous the neighbors are going to see me with my little two bags, and my husband carrying 6 on each hand. I fear they will think I am lazy and spoiled. Okay..I am spoiled..but I am pregnant~ Right!?

Hmm..what else...let's see: I have grays! Yes..I am 33 and well..they have grown in! I think all my stress these last 4 years..have contributed to my growing grays:( But..I have decided I am not going to dye my hair. Everyone else will have to deal with it! If they do not like it ..go take a hike!! I would never say that..but I care more about my babies health than someone's vain attitude! Sorry..I am getting a little testy talking about this issue. I think it is because of my dad. Yes..I am blaming it on my dad. It is rare..but sometimes it must be done. He came into the office about a month ago and announced to the office I "had to dye my hair..I could not walk around with gray hair." I was humiliated. I actually get humiliated by him often. He is not one of those sweet dad's who spoiled me. We never were close. That is for another post.
So..that is that! I better get back to work:)
Hugs

Can I say I told you so!

2011-07-14T21:32:00.000-07:00

I am feeling so relaxed from a nice 5 day vacation in the redwoods. I got an awesome massage( prenatal massage by a doula) and went to a beautiful ocean view wedding, ate lots of ice cream(cinnamon) and spent a great time just relaxing and had no drama and of course no shots! Yayayya me!!!

Okay..here is the I told you so:
A few months back..I believe I wrote about a friend of mine who always has to one up me. Here is the back story without wasting too much time: She always has to do what I am doing to prove in some way she does it better. I went to college, she followed along,.to every school I went. I picked a degree, she would follow my footsteps. I would like a certain band, music, or anything you name it..and she would like it. I never noticed it. But when I would go and see her, I started feeling I was defensive. I would have conversations with her and well...I would feel I would just shut up because she had to tell me how great she was doing..for 30 minutes. This increased to a more negative path slowly during the last 15 years. I love her dearly as a sister, but I absolutely have been very disappointed in what I get from the friendship, which is nothing. because this is how she plays it, If I am doing better( in her mind) she will not talk to me for a couple of months) this is not a healthy pattern. I would get so hurt. Why ignore me, especially during my whole year with IVF. MY other friends were right there for me..and I have been there for them. But this one friend, if she is having a hard time, she will not talk with me. It drives me crazy. So a couple months ago before I became pregnant she says she and her husband started trying for a baby. I told my husband when we started trying that she was going to try to have a baby too, before me.This was my fear. While I was in the middle of IVF, she says, they were trying and if it did not work they would adopt. Okay, normally in a normal situation I would be hoping and praying for her. But for 15 years that I have known this couple they both said they hate kids and they would never have kids! Now!

Now!!! They want kids. Okay,...so while I was in the middle of IVF, her husband loses his job, has a heart attack, and she says to me, I can not discuss these issues, and I just need time to figure out what we are going to do..but do not call me. So I don't.

Today after two and a half months of not hearing from her, I decided to text her. I really needed a friend. I found out that my husband her has two slipped discs and has been suffering from them for 6 months got an MRI and saw a specialist. Good: it will take 6months to a year to heal..no surgery. Bad: the upper disc is by the brain and if irritated enough could create a stroke. Low percentage but it could happen. I kind of freaked out when I heard that!!!
I texted her this..she said oh I am so sorry...I have more news, I am pregnant with twins!

Okay..tell me I am not nuts! Should I even waste my time beings friends with a person trying to one up while I am in need of friendship and comfort.

Sorry this is so long, but it is just on my mind. Thank you if you even had the patience to get through half of this blog post.

Hugs:

Last Pio Shot!!

2011-07-05T19:26:00.000-07:00

Last night was my last PIO Shot!! I can not believe it!! I am done!! I have done 67 PIO shots!! That is 22 gauge 1 &1/2 inch needles every night! 92 days of shots, and a total of 96 shots altogether! I am so proud and I really think us girls going through such an event should get an award!! I am so happy. I really think it has not sunk in yet. Last night was the last shot....and I went out for ice cream afterwards. I do not know what it is about a plain cone with one scoop of ice cream..mint chocolate chip or french vanilla, but I am in just heaven when I get my ice cream! Taking a break from it tonight and the next couple days, I went a little overboard the last couple days:)..My husband just said he wants to go out for ice cream again! uh oh!! :)

A little TMI: so here is the warning..................................................................................
I finally after three months( yes..I said three months) of no sex at all: did it!!! woohoo!!! Pretty awesome stuff!!! I highly recommend this fun activity. I was a little scared about the orgasm because I read the uterus contracts after an orgasm..but all was well:)
anyways..hehehhe
I am 12 weeks so I gave myself permission to tell: everybody. it turns out..my mom has told most of them. I am kind of perturbed about this, but it is what it is. I did not get pregnant for them, I got pregnant for me and my husband. I just will not be telling her anymore fun details. Like the gender, or when I am in labor! Yeah! no....I will tell her: she just can not help herself. She likes the gossip.
But, I got to tell all my friends on facebook and they were all surprised. I got to tell my childhood friends, and that was fun and I got calls from them with excitement in their voices. That was priceless:)

Symptoms: more dizzy and tired! Really tired!!!

I can not wait to start commenting! How is everybody!!!?

wacky Dreams and 10 more days of PIO

2011-06-25T18:48:00.000-07:00

I have to say I have been having weird dreams. And dare I say it...sex dreams! Yes..they say pregnant ladies..we get a lot of sex dreams. do not ask me why..but it is happening..full force. hmm..it could be because this week marks three whole months my husband nor I have been able to bring me to the big fat O! Yes! I am talking about sex..orgasm...being pleased! It is not happening in my house!! This really sucks! but!
Let me explain why- during my ivf- I was not in the mood- during the 2 week wait and 2 weeks after..the doctors never said- go for it. So I just decided I would wait until the first trimester. Then I had spotting and all the doctors said wait two or three weeks. So..it is official..we wait for the first trimester and then go crazy! well..not too crazy...let me just say one more thing: in two weeks.I get to got on vacation with my husband- it will be the mark of when we can "do it" lol hahaha but..we are staying in a b&b where my husbands whole family will be. Our room may jsut be right next to his grandma or mom! Not happening! This sucks!!
..
....
it is not as bad as I thought it would be. I am not saying I do not like sex or to be intimate in that way with my husband and friend of more than 15 years. I met him in my junior year of High school..and I still think he is hot! :)

it is just that I feel pregnant...most of the time. that means..bloated..chubby, morning sickness fun, fatigue, overemotional from the natural hormones, plus the extra ones from IVF..10 more days of PIO.

That reminds me:
10 MORE DAYS OF PIO!!!!! HURRAY!!

yes..I am facebooking the countdown too. I have not announced it on facebook..but about 4 of my friends on facebook know..and I message them and they root for me. I have been thinking about announcing it on facebook on the 12th week. How have some of you told facebook. There are a few things I am thinking about:
1) what about the women and men who are infertile
2) should I announce it is from IVF- I am proud of this community: or do some people have bad reactions and judgements
3) of course plenty of people will not care..but they should just unfriend me if they do not care:)

well. just writing this..makes me feel guilty! I swear: I annoy myself with my own neurotic tendencies- and this IVF has not helped at all. I feel( irrational or not) if I think about telling people( I have about 1 and 1/2 weeks left until I hit 12 weeks)- this can make it not true..or something could happen..a jinx. I really wonder when I can truly get excited about this pregnancy!

I am excited: I wonder about daycare, holding my baby at night..setting up the room, how I will parent, going for walks, family dinners, all the cute faces and moments I will be blessed to be a part of..but I only half go there. because always in the back of my mind is, ....could I really achieve this...will I get to have a healthy baby. All along the way with this pregnancy..there have been doctors and books to say something could happen to my baby.
1) IVF= only a 50 % chance
2) getting pregnant- miscarriage
3) while pregnant- gestational diabetes- and all the foods to watch
4) the baby could have some horrible disease

I have never spoken- or I do not think I have spoken yet on this blog about why the fear of deformities or disease for my baby scares me more than anything.

Well...my husband is very special to me and has no emotional or mental problems. But he was born without breathing. And then within a small amount of time..he breathed..but his birth certificate said died. Then he came back alive..and for weeks he had so many surgeries on his little body. He has Vaters: a disease that thank god is not from his genes genetic. But..he has some bodily deformities and has suffered a lot in his life. He really wanted me to get all the down syndrome and disease tests..but I said no. You get these tests at about 15 weeks. and what..I get the test..which only gives a percentage- and then what. He did not get mad when we had the conversation. Because he is a wonderful, smart, and very patient and understanding husband. He knows I understand his great fear that his baby may have the same pain that he had..but he respects my decision that I would never abort this child.

So...on August 25th ...we are going for a second level sonogram. This will be a time when they will do their best to see the sex, and to see if there are any deformities. I am praying everything goes okay. I have this feeling that everything will be 100% perfect.
There is a lot to think about when you get pregnant. I guess for so long..I just wanted to get pregnant. I worked so hard to get here...and now..I am so blessed to have this support for all of you and my family and husband... I guess..I still need support..just for a different area...pregnancy..how am i going to raise this baby: financially..and how am I going to be as a parent. Will I work...for how long will i take off..what about daycare. I need to slow down...I am overworking myself. okay...took a deep breathe.. I should stop now..this is enough for now.
Do any of you have the same questions or fears?

So, I have been reading many of your posts..and I will catch up on my comments!!

Welcome June ICLW

2011-06-21T00:08:00.000-07:00

Oh These Crazy Hormones!! Here is a vent!!
my count down to 13 more PIO Shots!!! yayayay!!!

I can not believe it is June..the end of June already! I feel so overwhelmed and like life is just flying by! As I sit here writing this post..I am one day short..well..now one hour away from being 10 weeks! How cool is that! I am so excited. I thought..I am going to be crafty because I am going to be a mommy. That did not work out so well. I have never been the crafty girl, nor the Martha Stewart kind of woman either. But, I can knit a scarf. I have been very successful at being able to give them as gifts. So for the last month..I have been knitting this scarf. But last night..I noticed in the middle( mind you the scarf is very long..almost done) there was a mess up. I was so bummed..I had to take it all a part. Oh well.. I have to just give in and think of it as practice. Maybe a scarf was not meant to be. I have been thinking to myself..while making this scarf I want to make little socks for my baby. I just need to learn how. This is my new mission.

Another thing: my morning sickness has gone away. I feel good about this..because the room has stopped spinning..but..why has the sickness disappeared. I tell you..I am always worrying about something. The spotting happened once more this Sunday. That really sucks. I think I may have this spotting throughout my whole pregnancy..so I have to calm down about all the fears I have.

Fears:
I am going to lose my baby
any pain I have..I fear it is the end
I will not get the chance to tell all my friends and family that I am pregnant
I fear I will get Gestational Diabetes_ I am going to get tested tomorrow:(

Body Image:
This is hard. I went to my first prenatal appointment..I GAINED 10 POUNDS!!!
Okay...this was very very hard for me to realize. I am overweight..that is just the fact. but before I started IVf...I tried my hardest to lose weight so I could have a healthy pregnancy. I worked so hard..I lost 35 pounds. Still being a little over weight...I was getting to be very healthy. Once I started the hormones..they said I may gain 5 to 10 pounds. Well..now reality has sunken in: 10 pounds. I need to work really hard on not gaining more than 1/2 pound a week now. I guess that is what the books say. The other thing is just the body image. I have a tendency to compare myself to other women. I hate this part of me. I have always had a bad body image. And now..I look bigger than a lot of the women in the same stage of pregnancy as I am. I have always been heavier than average..this is just another time...but it never does get easier.

As for friends: I love my blogging buddies and most of my friends have been there for me through this whole process. There is just one friend....she is not even taking my calls. I understand she has said things have been going on in her life that are tough..but I have other friends who have things tough in their life..but we are all there for each other. What kind of "friend" is not there for their friend of more than a decade. I think I need to just let her go...because through out the past 4 years...I really do not get anything from the friendship. It is like a push and pull with her. Some times she will call..and things will be all fine..and she will call maybe once a week or once a month. Then all of a sudden..life is so dramatic that she will not take calls or call me for months at a time. It is not an equal friendship. she is way too absorbed in her life. I know for sure I can get self- absorbed..but I always make myself available for my friends if life is hard or they need a congratulation.
I just feel like I have known her for more than 10 year..she is like a sister. Or maybe I just need to step back..and realize she is not able to deal with her problems or life the way I do and give her some space. it is just that I get attached and then she builds a wall. it is very painful. But I do understand that is how her mother treated her. I feel like I am giving her excuses..but I understand how she operates..it is just very very irritating.

Anyways...I feel lately like I have been super moody..and irritable. Everything..well..almost everything irritates me. It could be because I am not getting to sleep until 1:30am. Waking up at 3am because I have to pee..and then tossing and turning until I have to get up for work.

Okay..one more vent: Someone..very close to me..a family member called me out on Father's day. I am very very upset. I wish I could go more into the details..but the details are very personal to this specific part of my family circle. Let's just say...this one person has been using drugs. and my mom and I tried to help him and his family stop drugs through rehab, take care of their kid..help the wife with enabling. Until..they all just quit trying. After a couple months, of supporting them. And When I say support, I mean every day..night and day..talking to them on the phone, going over to the house to talk them out of leaving rehab, or suicide, major life changes, being a shoulder for them to cry, vent, brainstorm ideas. MY mom and I were completely 100% their biggest cheerleaders. But then,..because the husband decided..no he wanted to start drugs again...there was nothing my mom and I could do. They stopped calling, got mad at my mom for insane reasons. Just drive to my mom's work to drop off the baby..and then not show up. Basically..after months of trying to help them.....every day..they thought that they could just go back to using drugs, enabling her husband who is a major addict..and think they could waste out time...was painful..and well..we just refused to be taken advantage of. Now it has been a few months since they have spoken to my mom. They do not talk with with me..except for a sentence here and there about congrats on being pregnant. So there we are on Father's day..and they are just talking so bad about my mom: in front of me. I was defending her the best I could...but then after I pointed out there would not be a problem if your husband did not use drugs. She said oh no, he only smokes weed..he is pot head. I said..no he told my mom he has been using cocaine too. She said. well. yeah.. but only here and there.

right then and there I wanted to scream...Denial!!!

I refrained myself.

But then she went off on me..saying your mother is controlling and controls everything you and your husband does. This is when I am positive my face was very very bright red. You know..I got a little flustered because I was shocked she was going there..

but the next day( today) I am so freaking pissed! I am pissed at the fact that she made me question my relationship with my mom. And I think when she said that and I was defending myself... her husband came out and they were smiling at each other as if they were enjoying themselves. I am so livid!!
I have never blogged like this when I have been angry..but I have to get this out!!! I am not conrolled by my mom. I am very blessed to work in the family business with her, and she has helped me pay for the whole IVF process...but I should not feel guilty for this. How dare she say that my mom controls me..you know..she really does not know me. She is a cold, bitter women, who is not happy in her marriage because her husband does drugs..and maybe in a few days..I will actually feel bad for her. But for right now...I am done with her. Family or not..she insulted me. And when I asked her how my mom controls me..she said well..when you go out to eat..you ask you what to eat. This is completely false. My husband said when he heard this..he thought she completely has no idea what she is talking about. I just laughed and said anything else. She said with money. I said..well..I am very thankful and appreciative she has helped me with money..but how is that controlling. Anyways...it is just very sad. Because again..I thought I had a warm, supportive relationship with this women. Now I know, I do not. She is judgemental, cold, and way too sensitive. A few people have warned me about her., but I wanted to give her a chance. I really tried to look over her rudeness to everybody..now..that she has attacked me...I am not going to try anymore.

I guess this is a venting post. I am sorry.. I try to be all positive here: but this is me right now. I am sure tomorrow I will be singing a happier tune. I should probably get some rest. I am sure..tomorrow after reading this I may need to delete my angry post..or I may learn something from this.
Good night all

There is a Heartbeat!

2011-06-14T14:04:00.000-07:00

Yes..there is a strong heart beat!! I have a growing strong baby growing inside me!! MY OB/GYN is so great. She calls me and says "are you alright? did you get an ultra sound?" I said no. She said.."I have appointments, but please come in. I am sure this is so overwhelming for you...and I will not be able to eat my lunch with out knowing if everything is okay. Come in and we will cry together or laugh and do the happy dance." I laughed..she made me laughed..that is why I so appreciate her. I picked up my husband from work and we drove through San Francisco like crazy to get there in 15 minutes.

She came in..and My husband loves her too. After going through UCSF clinic..most of the experience was so awkward..and we were not treated like humans..except for Dr Fujimoto( one of his assistants were good too) but my OBGYN...is just warm..and calm..and patient. we laughed and took home pictures of our baby.

I can breathe now!!! I am getting a doppler tonight. Do any of you any good one to buy?

Thanks for all your support:)

Spotting And ER Visit

2011-06-14T10:16:00.000-07:00

This morning at 4:30am I went to the bathroom and I went to the bathroom. I wiped and did my usual inspection. There was blood. I thought I was having another dream. I had a dream just last week that I saw blood. it was just like my dream, but I was awake. I went into the bedroom and told my husband, there is blood. I tried to remain calm, because all the books say during this part of the first trimester, there may be some spotting. So I tried to sleep, but that was so not happening. I grabbed my phone and had to check if Clewis was pregnant....she is YAY!!!! please congratulate her,.....I am so happy for her!!

I tried to go to sleep after commented and congratulating Clewis, but i had to go and check if there was more blood. I went..and there was. This is when I lost it. I started crying and my husband just kept on saying this is normal, but call the doctor. I did, and they said, this may be normal or could be the start of a miscarriage..so go to your nearest ER.

We went, and I have never been so stressed. There was no talking in the car or on the wait. I just wanted to know if i couldsee my baby is still alive.

Bottom line, the doctor came in. No ultra sound. I was furious..he could only see if my cervix was closed. The Cervix is closed..but no ultrasound.

UNBELIEVABLE!

I have to wait for my doctor to call me today, I guess i will have to wait!

wait to see if this is a miscarriage..
wait to see more blood
wait to see if I am in more pain

Wait for my ultrasound on Thursday.

I just feel okay...I am hoping and praying this is just normal spotting. Why the heck am I spotting, I still do not understand. I am really angry right now..and wish I has some answers!!!

Some random thoughts

2011-06-13T19:43:00.000-07:00

Tonight at 9pm I will be taking my last estradiol pill. I have been taking it for about two months. I feel really excited to not hear the alarm on my phone telling me at 9am and 9pm to swallow this pill (which I believe is giving me some pretty high emotions). But I am also really kind of nervous. I had a dream a few nights ago that when I went to the bathroom, there was a little blood. I was all kinds of messed up that day. I think I am just feeling..okay..there is no reducing of the medicine or blood test to make sure it is okay to stop the medication to secure the pregnancy will stay. I am still taking the PIO shots, but that also just stops abruptly on July 4th. Has anyone else had this experience or is my clinic the only one that just says , see ya.

As for other news: I am so excited fro all my new followers and the followers who have been so supportive. I must say, your blogs have given me such joy, inspiration, and at times you have really taught me a lot.

hands down..my favorite blog has been The Stirrup Queen. I love a lot of blogs,but this blog brought me to all of you..and has sparked my creation for writing. Blogging has absolutely helped me in my life. I have been able to cope with infertility and found well: a hobby.
Here are my most inspiring blogs this week:

What a great idea from mel: The Stirrup's Queen idea for writing ideas

This post is amazing and please send your congrats. But be ready, this post may bring a few tears! http://the2weekwait.blogspot.com/2011/06/level-two.html

I had to add this in: I love all your comments and I welcome them. As for my new followers, some of you I can not see your blog..if you feel comfortable..please leave a comment and introduce yourself.

Where to start?

2011-06-08T23:11:00.000-07:00

For the first time in a long time I do not know where to start:
1) symptoms: at 8 weeks my boobs are getting bigger:) I have cramps in my belly..not sure if it is gas or what..but I definitely feel cramping alternatively from one side to another. Morning sickness has taken more of an effect. Two nights ago..I felt so sick. I was fine all night, and I was getting ready for bed. I was blogging and finishing up my last blog. I was reading about a fellow new IF pregnant women who was feeling dizzy, and as My husband came into the room..it hit me. I told him I was not feeling good. He said nothing but was just staring at me. I asked him why he was staring. He said he just watched my face turn white. Within minutes I was running to the bathroom and threw up three times. That was not fun. I crawled into bed whimpering, and just appreciated being held by my husband.

My PIO shots: The night of throwing up started out with a very bad PIO shot. Every night I stick the needle in and my husband pushes in the medicine. This night of all nights did not go as usual. I put it in and as my husband pushed it in, everything seemed really normal, until he brought the needle out. A long stream of blood came out. Blood squirted on the bathroom floor, and we were both officially freaked out. I had to use a couple pads, but over all, no more pain than usual. I was okay..just a little freaked out. Tonight was the first time we hit a vein and we had to put two needles in. I am so looking forward to being done with the PIO shots. The estradiol pills are done on the 13th. That will be nice to be done with 1/2 of my hormone regimen.

My Review of my clinic: okay kudos for Fujimoto
he got me pregnant: Thank you. The phlebotomists were great and very very patient with me. Now those may just be the two most important factors in picking a clinic. But now the negatives are pretty annoying. I picked a specific doctor, but I saw him one time and that was a horrible experience. So, that alone almost got me walking, but Fujimoto was so nice and was there for every appointment, retrieval and transfer. Here is the other bothering and annoying situations at this clinic. The people at the desk were a little annoying. There was one women that was very nice and had tact. The other women, specifically one women, was impatient and rude. She even said, in the middle of my cycle, something about my payment may not be needed just in case it might get canceled. This was two weeks into my stimulaton process. Why would she even say such a thing. My mind went straight to worst case scenario. Then..well...I am sure it happens to other people, but the day of the retrieval, a couple nurses seemed annoyed with me that they could not get my vein to work. It was not like it was my fault....but I did feel they seemed annoyed. And now..two months later I find out..during my retrieval while I was out cold..my doctor had them take a pregnancy test( at the retrieval) and now I am getting billed $112. This does not seem right..right? Another issue was, my doctor's assistant( the doctor I never saw) called me with my second pregnancy test result being a BFP, and said okay..we are not done yet..we still need you to come and get an ultrasound. Little to my knowledge..this ultrasound was not included in my IVF sum of about $14000. But the way the assistant sounds on the phone, she did not say anything about the price( since she knew I was not insured for IVF at their clinic, and I have an HMo that I could go get an ultrasound for $10. So, when I get to my appointment I am so excited to see if I am pregnant...( which I deserve to be happy about) the receptionist says, " okay that will be $320. I was shocked and demanded to talk to someone about this obscene amount. They say...you do not have to pay now..but it is the price every time you come for an ultrasound. They then said, what do you want to do..I of course had to see if the baby was there..and my baby was there. Now the next day, I called the assistant twice..and she has not called me back. this irritates me a lot. My mom says it is only $320 and it is probably the hormones making me so upset, so just do not worried about it. I do not think it is my hormones..I feel like it was a scam..a miscommunication from my doctors assistance. So two very annoying things financially:1) 112 for a blood test a pregnancy blood test while I was out cold_ I could have gone to my hmo for ten dollars to find out if I was pregnant..which is a joke the day of a retrieval. And 2) $320 for an appointment that should have been communicated was not part of my IVF process.
so..yeah..that is my vent for the night. I am trying to keep positive though...

Here are the positives:
1) I am pregnant
2) I have all the symptoms I am still pregnant
3) work is good: my blog thanks to a few new followers to my work blog helped me
4) I have been walking with my friend who is 6 months pregnant and we have bonded so much the last couple months- sadly she is moving away. it is so hard to find truly great quality friends.
5) I am up on my bills. You do not understand. That is a big deal for me..
6) I am catching up on my blogging comments. I have missed you:)

hugs

Long Post! it has been a while

2011-06-04T10:13:00.000-07:00

Thank you everyone who helped me with my last post regarding supporting my work blog..:) I need as much help as I can...

anyways...As I catch up on my blogs...I am so mad at myself. I have really let some of you down. You have all been there for me through my whole cycle through every fear and joy..and I have not been there for you. I promise I will be there for you and support you because a lot of you are starting your journey for the first time and some are doing it again, while some of you are taking different paths and I am so excited for all of you!

I have been so absorbed in my new job, and my newly pregnancy. I have been busy trying to stay awake and I have been eating a ton. I do not think it is my baby asking for food..I think I have just always wanted to be pregnant and have always equated being pregnant with eating a lot of food. Not sure..but I am eating pizza, bagels, and lots and lots of cheese.

Oh!! Two days ago I had my first day of morning sickness. Very strange because the next day I felt..okay. Is that normal? anyways. two day ago..I woke up feeling dizzy and nauseous. iIt was really bad. Okay...not so bad that I was vomiting or so dizzy that I had to hang on to the wall..but really dizzy and gagged a couple times. This was really not fun. I went over to my husband( since we work in the same business) and told him my symptoms. he smiled and looked happy about it. This was unnerving. I asked why are you smiling? He said, your pregnant! I just had to walk away...this bothered me. I then went in to tell me coworker, and she looked a little more sympathetic and said, she felt like this her whole pregnancy. This was not getting any better. I probably should have just blogged about it because everyone was just annoying me with their responses.
So, by 2:30 the symptoms went away. I have no idea what it was. I did not really eat much, just crackers, ginger ale, and mint gum. Since then, no morning sickness. Strange..but I am fine with no more morning sickness. I feel a little guilty complaining about pregnancy symptoms because I would do anything to be pregnant, but the symptoms are pretty gruesome. In the last week, I have gagged every day from smells that no one else can smell until I point them out, I have thrown up a couple times, and my boobs are so tender and they are growing!

I have gone to a few baby stores..but I have not let myself bask in the joy too much, because they say miscarriages happen often in the first trimester..and well.I have 5 more weeks. It is so hard not to shout to everyone ..I am pregnant. Everyone knows in my office that I am pregnant..but not because I told them. because my mom has the biggest mouth! I have gotten congrats from lots of her friends..I have to say thank you, but it feels really awkward. I am not ready to be saying thank you..I am too worried about a misscariage, superstitions, and well...I would have like to have told them. My mom has taken that gift away. I am a little upset at her..but it is what is it..and I have a baby growing inside me. I have to just keep calm..but I have to remind myself I also have lots of hormones running through me.

Oh talking about hormones..the PIO injentions..I found now that I am not so fearful of that one and a half inch needle in my hip, I don't like the ice. With the ice, it is harder to move the progesterone around and I never liked the idea of putting heat near my embryo...so if you can bear a little sting, do not use ice or heat. It really is not that bad. It has taken me a month to be brave enough to not use ice..but if you are going into your second month with PIO..try no ice..it is much easier and the result is no lumps.

Okay..I better stop now..this post is super long. i have much more to say..but I will save it for another post
hugs!!!

Asking for a little help

2011-06-03T13:16:00.000-07:00

Hello Everyone,
I am asking everyone for a little support. I am working in my new job as a blogger and would love your comments, follow me, or any advice on to how to get more people to join my blog work blog:
http://blog.thefutonshop.com/

This is a very different experience that I have writing with this blog from writing for this trying to conceive blog where I have found such great support from all of you. I do not get to get personal, nor do I get to express my challenges and problems in my life. I have been working on this blog for the last month, and I have had only a hand full of followers and comments . I would love your support..to get the followship going..
Thank you for you support and I will be back this weekend with an update of my recent pregnancy symptoms.
Let me just say..I am 7 weeks and Yesterday I felt morning sickness from when i woke up at 6am all the way until 2:30. It was a doosy of a day! I can not wait to catch up with everyone's blogs..I have been seriously exhausted!

oH-- I had to add this to my post..as I am blogging my favorite website right now is Huffington post! I really think the articles are just really new and fresh and the writers are great.

I read this article it's about the octomom. The whole thing made me cringe and gave IVF clinics such a bad name. I was reading it and my doctor Fujimoto was quoted in the article more than half the article. I am so very proud. He put two embryos in and one survived. I loved him too because he was so calm and confident and was there for me the whole IVF process! I can not say enough great thngs about this doctor. Anyways...here is a quote from him:

Dr. Victor Fujimoto, who testified against Kamrava for the state and heads the fertility program at the University of California, San Francisco, said Thursday there was no doubt justice has been served with Kamrava's license revocation, and most doctors know better than to make such mistakes.
"The consensus that is very clear among my industry peers and my physician colleagues is that Dr. Kamrava operated well outside the standards," Fujimoto said.

There's a baby in there!

2011-05-27T19:21:00.000-07:00

Yes!! Confirmed!! Thank god!! Now I can sleep! Ahhh!!! After a long time of trying..I finally saw a baby at the U/S! I could hardly see my baby, but when she said look at the flickering light..that's the heart beat! I saw it! I have to say, I am still in shock and really relieved. I feel just kind of like putty! But...one thing. They put two in and one stayed. I am actually happy there is only one, because thinking about it financially and health wise..it would have been very stressful. But I am wondering about the other embryo. My husband and I were talking about the soul and when it enters the body. I really don't know the answer..but I wonder. I feel like I am mourning the other embryo for some reason.
My husband said the Egyptian belief is that the soul does not arrive in the body until a child takes it's first breath. Not really sure if this is true or not..interesting subject to research on though.
I have called all the important family members who have been asking and friends who have been there to support me and I have to say..I am kind of too tired to talk very long. I am so tired! So very tired. I am not sure if it is the pregnancy or just I feel like I have been fighting and fighting and finally I do not have to fight anymore. There is still a little fear in me..but overall..I met my baby...and we are connected. Okay..crying now. Those words just kind of woke me up from this daze and shock I have been feeling. This little bean is connected to my body, my soul. We are one right now! This is an amazing feeling! I love this baby so much...words can not describe how happy this feeling is. Even though I can hardly move..and my boobs are killing me...I am jumping for joy inside!

Ultrasound today at 3:45pm

2011-05-27T08:13:00.000-07:00

This will be the shortest post I have ever written..but I just wanted to shout out that my ultrasound is at 3:45 today. I am and have been a nervous wreck. I have been having a hard time blogging lately and commenting because well...I can not think straight. I so hope everything goes well...so nervous...that is all that is in my head..I want everything to be okay and that I have a healthy baby growing and my body will be fine. I also would really like to hear the heartbeat. Not sure if this is possible at 6 weeks and 5 days. Wish me luck...

Tender Boobs!

2011-05-25T20:34:00.000-07:00

Yes..I put it in the title. Seriously girls...if I just move my arm a little across my boob..I am in so much pain! This is ridiculous. This is not a little tender..this is like..ouch!!!
hahahah
And my progesterone shots have not been a walk in the park! Sorry this is a venting blog..but I got to get this out!

I am itchy all over the injecting sites! Note to all of you who will do PIO(progesterone in oil) injections.
1) Do not inject the needle in the same place over and over again. I did the first two weeks and now I have small hard ball like knots on each hip.
2) If one side seems to be building up a ball, inject the other side two to three days until the ball decreases
3) If you have a huge fear of needles..do what I did and inject yourself and have your husband or friend inject the oil( for me this made me feel like I had a little more control)
4) Give yourself an award each night. Chocolate, or bead a necklace.
5) and finally get witch hazel to rub when the itching and burning start

Please give support to fellow Blogger

2011-05-23T12:08:00.000-07:00

Please give support to Jennifer at: http://doihavetobeadink.blogspot.com/http://doihavetobeadink.blogspot.com/

She just lost her baby and she needs as much support as possible right now. I have been following her for months and I was just so excited for her ...as I do for all of you who struggle the same challenges I do with Conceiving.

I can no say much more....I am still at loss for words. I even swore "oh Shit" on her comments because I was in shock. I do not swear on this blogosphere. It is only reserved when horrible horrible things happen.
I was also wondering if anyone has contacted
http://horriblehormones.blogspot.com/

Welcome May ICLW

2011-05-21T08:20:00.000-07:00

Welcome May ICLW Bloggers and loyal bloggers I have been in contact the last few months. If you read my TTC journey you will see I got a BFP last week. I would love for you to join my Journey and would love to follow yours and support you as well. If you recently got a BFP, BFN, just started trying to conceive, or have been trying for years, trying with IUi, or IVF, or trying for that second baby but it just is not as easy as the first, it does not matter ...we are all on the same journey..: Trying to make a family. And this is a great community of support and resources. I have no idea how I would have survived this year with this loving community. So welcome if you are new, and Thank you to each and every one of you for being there for me and letting me be a part of your journey.
I can not tell you how many pots I have read that have brought me to tears from sorrow and inspiration. I do feel like this community has helped me in so many ways. it is as if...I am talking to a friend through this blogs. Some bloggers really share amazing stories about their lives and feelings.

If you are new to my blog I would love to get to know you. Here are a few questions:
1) Where are you in your Infertility Path
2) have you had children before
3) how long have you been blogging
4) if you have a blog..what is?
5) If you have been dealing with Infertility for a while, what have you been doing to relieve the stress
6) what is your favorite blog or two

Again Welcome to May ICLW..and I can not wait to start commenting:)

I am still here..sneezing away

2011-05-19T17:57:00.000-07:00

I have so much to catch up to with all my favorite bloggers ..as soon as I found out about my BFP...I started feeling really tired. I thought it could have been about the hormones but then my throat got really sore..and now I am in full blown sneezing and coughing fits. This kind of sucks. I want to celebrate and enjoy this moment but I am so drained. I am recovering quickly though..I did not get a fever, so it is just a cold now..but I am very very tired.

I have many blogs to catch up with...I miss my blogging buddies.

I also have to admit I have been very emotional. I am not sure if it is the estradiol pills twice a day and progesterone at night..I wonder if the hormones are not natural and more than normal. I feel out of control emotionally lately. Very vulnerable and insecure. I seem to be nagging my husband a lot. And I went out with my mom today and everything she did was annoying me. TMI notice(I have not had sex in a very long time.) I am on edge..because I am sick, I am on a huge amounts of hormones, and it has been two very long months of hormones and 2 week wait..of no sex.

I can not believe I am writing this down on my blog for the world to read but I really feel sex in a relationship does bring a couple closer. I do not feel that sex alone brings a couple closer because there can be intimacy and closeness that does not involve sex that But sex alone is an extremely close intimate moment that should not be ceased for two months. Plus..I do not think we will be "doing it" until after the first trimester. Okay...I am going to stop revealing this part of my life..who knows what I will write next!

I hope you all are doing great and have many great plans for this weekend! Tomorrow is Friday! Yayayay

Hugs

Finally!! Beta Results!

2011-05-13T21:38:00.000-07:00

I can not believe Blogger was down when I finally got my test results!!

BFP!!!

yes! BFP!! I am in shock right now!

it has been over a year of Trying to Conceive!

My first beta was 274

my second beta was 447

I am still nervous because I still have my ultra sound in two weeks.

Let me tell you how my phone call went for my first beta. The doctor said "well you are pregnant". I started getting excited and emotional. She then stopped that by saying, "don't jump for joy yet. You have to go get your blood test tomorrow and then you have an ultra sound." All the joy just kind of melted away into my gut. Do I ever get a break. When do I get to celebrate!

So last night was so hard not being able to tell you all and vent and get advice with this mixed message of a pregnancy result.

So then I got my second beta test result back today and this is what the clinic said: "these are excellent numbers congratulations. Let's set up an ultra sound."

I let myself get happy this time. But of course I am worried about the u/s. I really really want to just soak this up.

I feel a little bittersweet right now.

1) I am so happy that finally all this worked!

2) I have worried about every step of this IVF, and it has not stopped now that the test result says I am pregnant

3) from reading blogs, I know how quickly a dream can be taken away

4) I want to dream, but fear is in the background

5) I feel I have gone through this journey with many of you, and fear I will lose this community

6) I feel so blessed that I got a BFP

7) I feel sad for all my fellow IF community who still have not received their BFP( this makes me very sad.) I have gone through many IVF and IUI journeys and have cried when I heard it did not work. It still breaks my heart.

8) I feel like I am in limbo...do I celebrate or hold on tight for two more weeks until the U/S...I fear everything!!

As for now..I will try to enjoy this moment because I am pregnant! yes..I am pregnant. I just keep on repeating this to myself!

I am pregnant!

One more day for beta! food is my only savior!

2011-05-11T20:23:00.000-07:00

I am so frustrated..I have to wait one more day for my beta!! My hmo is giving me a hard time. I have to wait one more day! I tell you..when I got the call that I had to wait one more day just took the wind out of me. I had so much energy today and all my family and friends and blogging buddies waiting for the result...and then I find out I am just not a priority. I tellyou... this is just the essence of my experience trying to get pregnant. This journey has not been easy. I guess in my life, most things have come easy. I am not saying I get everything I want. It is more of the matter of..if I try hard enough, I get it..or I accomplish my goals. This whole experience has just been a whole new experience of being out of control, learning to be patient, and finding out that it could always be worse.

I can not tell you how many different emotions I have had today. But people keep telling me to be positive. I really want to be....but I know what could happen...and it scares me to death! This has been so scary. Yes...I am so scared. No one else will allow to me to say this. They believe that if I share my scared feelings then I won't get pregnant. They think that if I get stressed out or say I am fearful..then I will not get pregnant. Sometimes I feel like maybe they just can not handle my negative anxiousness. And then that makes me think, how are any of my friends and family going to deal with my sadness or depression if I do not get pregnant. I have visions through this 2ww of shopping for my baby, and feeling it grow and being oohed at and ahhhed at with everyone sayign how "oh she has the glow" I fantasize of telling all of you and and all you cheering me on and then becoming a cheerleaders for you and all the new bloggers. I fantasize about names, and eye shape, and eye color, and then how I am going to raise my child or twins! and then the fear comes in and says, wait...this may not happen. So then I get visions of telling my husband to make the calls, eating a lot of ice cream, and throwing plates around. And then I say..wait..you are being too negative...just do not think about it. and then it starts all over again.

Then the symptoms are confusing. They feel like, cramping, and twinges..and then sometimes it's just gas.

Everyone is so excited for me..but I am screaming inside. I can not deal with this waiting. I know why every one says the 2ww wait is the hardest part of this whole journey. it really is.

alright..that is enough rambling from me for now. Okay one more thought..I am emotionally eating like crazy. Last week I went out for pizza and ate 4 pieces of pizza! The next day I went out for hamburgers and fries( in-n-out burger and fries animal style) then right after the burgers went out for ice cream! I have gone off the wagon. Food is my addiction. I really need to find out the result...if not..I am seriously going to need to go to food rehab! Oh yeah...and I have had chocolate! mm..actually that sounds good..

see ya..going for a chocolate cookie now!

Final update: spotting

2011-05-09T21:43:00.000-07:00

Thank you all for being so supportive. I really could not do this without your support. I got the call later that night and the clinic said.."well that sounds like good news." But it may also be a false positive. They said to call the nurse in the morning. The nurse was not excited about the positive preg test..she said it is too early. But she did say I could come in two days early for a beta test.So Wednesday morning I am going for an hcg test!! wish me luck girls!!

I spotted once today. My boobs are super sensitive and my lower back is killing me! Right where I have been taking the PIO shots. Other than that..my mind is just racing..I have been feeling hopeful though..I also took another preg test today and it was positive. Oh..and I am really tired so I will be going to bed any minute.

I am not really able to reflect or express much emotion, I feel more like I am on auto control. It is too much to think about the positive or negative. It hurts too much.

Spotting- second update

2011-05-08T18:49:00.000-07:00

The on call nurse called and said I need to come in for a blood test. She then said let's first have you go out and get a preg test and see what it says. She said she would call back in an hour. I hope she calls soon. maybe 20 minutes. I took it, it is positive. I am excited to see this: but is it a false positive? I will await the call to see what to do next. I had my transfer 9 days ago. I am just really on edge right now!

can't stop crying! I am spotting

2011-05-08T17:41:00.000-07:00

can't stop crying. I have been checking myself every time I went to the bathroom. Today, I checked it and I saw light pink spot on the tissue. I can not believe this is happening to me! Yesterday and today I have been having sharp pains in my lower back. I have no clue what is going on and I feel horrible. I can not take this. I am waiting for a call from my clinics on call doctor. Just feel so sad:(

Mother's day during the 2WW

2011-05-08T09:04:00.000-07:00

Five more days to go on this journey of 2ww. It has been up and down, and around and around as for my emotions. If I am sitting at home watching TV, I see mother's day commercials. If I am on the computer on facebook, I am reminded how all my friends and family have kids or expecting. Of course my first 2ww is during mother's day. I am so frustrated all I can do is laugh. There really is nothing else I can do ..right?
I have decided not to leave the house. If I go out to breakfast or lunch I am expecting to get more anxious and sad. I used to love seeing kids, but right now..it will remind me of what challenges I have been dealing with. This journey is over a year now and it has been really trying. When I have been looking at mother's lately, I get so jealous. I think to myself, they probably didn't even have to think twice. The couple probably had a fun night and poof..ooops "we are pregnant". Little do they know the daily regime of shots and pain I have had to deal with to have a 50% chance of getting pregnant.

As you can tell, I am feeling a little more on the negative side today. Normally I am more optimistic, but I am feeling not so happy right now. I was reading Whitney's blog and sometimes when she writes I feel she is writing exactly how I am feeling. One part of her blog really spoke to me:

she writes:
"It’s like we went off-route through a mountain underpass years ago and we’ve been blindly working our way through the tunnel. We went in as two, but were supposed to come out as three. And now we see the light at the end of that tunnel, but we are still two and have to walk out of it anyway."

Going through this 2ww just brings back all the emotions of hope, despair, sadness each time it has not worked. It is just getting to me. I so want this to work. I am sure I will feel better tomorrow since I will be distracted at work, but it is only 9am on Sunday morning. I have many more hours to go.

I did have a great day yesterday. My husband and I had fun shopping at the mall. I did notice every pregnant lady though. And I pointed them out to my husband. I do not know why I do this. This has been a habit for me for months now. If am with someone and I see a pregnant women, I feel obligated to point this lucky pregnant women out to everyone. I know- strange.

Symptoms:
well I do feel the twinge in my ovaries. Yesterday after walking in the mall for a couple hours, my lower back was really hurting with sharp twinges. It was a little painful. But then it just disappears. My boobs are very tender.

I just am so frustrated because I feel like my body is playing a trick on me. Is it the hormones or early pregnancy signs. I just want to know if I am pregnant already. This is not fair that I have to wait!

I hope you all are surviving the 2ww
and this challenging day.

Hugs:)

Hello 9 to 5!

2011-05-03T23:46:00.000-07:00

My life has changed in so many ways in the last couple weeks. I have put my body through such a tornado of emotions and physical shock. I found a new home for my cat Ozzy. Mind you I have visited him twice this week and he is so happy and smitten with his new owner. His owner stays home with him every day and they talk play and nap together every day. Ozzy gets so much attention. Ozzy's new best friend invites us over to visit at least once a week and told me last night how thankful he is to have found Ozzy and that he loves him and has such a good time with him. This makes me want to cry with joy. Okay...need to change the subject because frankly I am just sick of crying: sad or happy tears. Yesterday I was watching The voice. It is a singing show like American idol but all the singers have great voices. A few of the contestants sang and I was crying. And then I was crying just hearing there stories about this singing competition being there last chance. i could empathize with their desperation..so I cried. it was exhausting.

Update on PIO Shots

I was doing so well but then last night at about 5:30 I went on a nice hour gentle walk along the beach with my friend. She is now Five month pregnant. She is a great friend and just a real sweet giving person. I am so happy to have her as a friend. Well. after an hour walk, I came home for my PIO shot. Something strange happened. we did all the usual ice, massage, heat, walk, but this time there was a knot or bump. it is still there. we tried for 40 minutes with heat and deep massage. I was screaming from the pain. I honestly was saying out loud i do not want to do this anymore. it was painful.

So this is what I think went wrong so please do not do what we did:
1) too much ice. too long. maybe just get an ice cube for 3 or 4 minutes before your shot
2) when you or your husband is injecting the shot..go slow. My husband went to fast.
3) take a 30 minutes and really warm the pio in the syringe on your skin or under your arm
other than that..tonight's PIO injection went fine.

I have to also tell you all I changed my job!! Yes..it is such great news. I have been working for my Family business for the last 6 years. I have been working for my parents since I was 16, but between that time i got a B.A. in Psychology and and M.A. in counseling. While I was going to grad school my father and brother left the business. Since that occurred I have joined the business with my mom as well as my husband. My mom is of course the CEO, my husband is ahead of production, and I worked in the field managing three of our Eleven stores. it was hard work and I finally just got my energy and control as a Regional Manager working 6 sometimes 7 days week, weekends and not getting home until 8 or 9pm. I had to move furniture everyday and go out to customer's houses, as well as deal with customer service and well..it was a huge responsibility. I do not have a problem with many of the results of the job but two things.
1) working weekend and late hours( I never saw my friends or husband)
2) moving heavy furniture( this could create a miscarriage)

My mom called me on Sunday and told me she would like me to step down and become the head of PR, blogging, and social networking for the company. I loved the idea but told her I would have to think about it. It took all of 10 minutes for me to call her back and tell her I am on!! Today was my first day. I think it was a shock for me because I am not sure I know what are my regular daily duties and really where to go with this position. I had to tell my staff and that was really hard. I wish I could go out and tell them face to face but I was asked to call them right away because they needed supervision right away. This was really hard. i think I am going to miss them. I would see them every week for hours. I not only mentored them, but many of them i felt like we went int battle together. I think I need to do something for them as a good bye, although it is not totally goodbye because I will still see them at work parties and communicate with them about social networking and such. ot sure..just needed to get this out I think.

I guess I will leave this very long post with my symptoms during my fifth day of 2ww:
1) twinge in my side( like cramping before a period)
2) very sensitive, could cry any minute
3) very very very hungry( I had 4 pieces of pizza tonight) and I am really hungry 20 minutes later
4) Nipples are supper sensitive( yes I pinched them, but not in front of anybody) hahah
5) very tired..but I am too anxious to sleep

that about does it..

Meet my two embies

2011-05-01T21:42:00.000-07:00

http://www.nyufertilitycenter.org/ivf/embryo_transfer
this website is very interesting since I am in the 2WW process. I am craving information on what is going on in my body now. I have felt through the whole IVF process like I know what is going on, but now I do not feel anything nor do the doctors call or check my blood level or check my ovaries..nothing. I am so happy the PIO shots are easy. I have no pain, just a little soreness, but I wonder if the progesterone is working. I mean, some points I feel a little twinge or cramp, but overall it is all emotion. Today I have been just exhausted. And I may be driving my husband crazy. He has said I have been whiny all day. I can not help it( in a whiny voice). hahaha

Seriously, I am getting annoyed with myself. I am just irritated at everything. I feel anxious and out of control. I do not feel anything in my body, so that makes me nervous. Then I feel something in my body, so that makes me nervous. Today after going on a nice walk to the beach, having a nice lunch, and then shopping for groceries, my husband seemed irritated at me. at least that was what I perceived. He said, he thought I needed a nap. Lets just get something straight. I have not taken a nap or needed a nap in the middle of the day since I was maybe 15. I have just always had lots of energy and too busy to take a nap. Well I am not sure what happened but I started arguing with my husband about who knows what and he argued back and snapped at me. I started crying and then I just exploded. I started crying hysterically. I ran into my room and tried to calm myself down. I put on my earphones and listened to a meditation from circle+bloom. before I knew it, I was sound asleep. I woke up an hour later, feeling refreshed and not so sad.

I woke up to the the smell of spices and vegetable soup. I walked into the kitchen and there he was just finishing up the soup. I hugged him, grabbed a bowl of soup and I felt so much better.

I have to say, I am an emotional wreck. Happy one minute and then about to cry and yell at my husband the next. Seriously I am going to need to get a handle on this. In the mean time I am going to eat all this Delicious soup!

OH and other good news: I am less constipated! YAYAYAY! You have no idea..oh wait..you probably do! If you have ever been pregnant or taking any kind of progesterone, you know how painful and agonizing it is to have your digestion slow down. I have been burping not stop. I finally feel like my belly is not hard and bloated. It is a great feeling!!! Here is what I learned: be careful..do not drink too much prune juice..not fun! And the coconut water is okay, but most of all it gave me a lot of gas.

Oh...I framed my two embryos. Here they are: 3 day transfer. 8 cell grade 2!

magic!!!

Transfer Done!

2011-04-29T12:27:00.000-07:00

Alright..here we go. I did my transfer. The doctor informed us that we had four embryos. Two of them were cell 8 grade 2. He said the best chance of pregnancy is to put them both inside. So, we did. It was beautiful. I had my mom and husband there watching the whole thing. It was beautiful and painless. I was on Valium so, I was super relaxed. I like valium. Anyways, kind of spacey and tired. I think I am just going to relax and take a nap.
I hope you all are doing well.

First PIO shot!

2011-04-28T20:57:00.000-07:00

Okay..warning all: TMI. If you are eating, read this later:)

well..let me first tell you about my PIO experience and then the whole TMI silliness..well..embarrassment.

I iced my back side for around 3 minutes
While I iced, my husband warmed the needle with the progesterone under his armpit.
then we went into the bathroom and I stood against the wall, leaning on one leg.
My husband started darting with the needle, and I said wait!!
way too scary. I took the needle and for a moment got completely freaked out.
then I took a deep breath and darted it in and slowly moved it in( Not Painful!..at all!!..thank you ice for numbing!!)
then my husband injected..all was good..no blood..there was some resistant..and then he pulled the needle out
I was shocked..no pain at all.
I then lied down on my stomach, as he massaged and then put the heating pad on. Each for two minutes.
then we walked around the house again. Still no pain.
weird right! hmm..I was expecting, screaming, and crying, maybe a little fainting.
nothing.
then .....ten minutes later..a little sore and tightness. But really doable. it really was.
I wonder if it hurts the more you do it. Not sure..just so happy it was not painful:)

The below is the before hand. The crisis before.

I have been worrying about the PIO shot all day. My husband was coming home at 5pm. I was going to go for walk with my friend at 6pm and I was going to take the shot at about 7:30pm. Did not happen that way.

Here is what happened. At about 11am I had cramps and more cramps. I thought it was just that I had to go to the bathroom. Well, nothing happened, so I took a metamucil packet. 2 hours later nothing happened, so I took another packet of Metamucil. The box said you can take three a day. So by 4pm, nothing happened, so I took one more packet. Okay..here is when I started to get a little dramatic.

At 5pm, I started having shooting pains in my lower abdomen and and lower back.. I was having major gastric pains. So bad, I was in the fetal position screaming. I called my husband and asked him to get prune juice or whatever to get me to stop the pain of the worst case of constipation I have ever had. It must have been the mixture of being pretty much constipated throughout the whole stim weeks, the vicoden after the retrieval, and then not moving around for three days recovering from the retrieval.

here is the embarrassing part: my friend did not get the message that I was not feeling up to the walk, so when she came I had to have her leave because any minute I would be running to the bathroom, or screaming in pain. Also, my dad was just being nice and called to see how I was doing in the middle of a pretty painful cramp. I scared him. I said I would call him back. Then two minutes later my mom called and gets all panicked. I said I would have to call her back and I was fine. My mom then calls my husband 15 minutes later asking if we are on our way to the hospital. I have them all worried about me because I have to go number 2!

ahhh..with that said..my husband was great. He came home and made me drink two glasses of lemon water with honey, and gaterade and water. Then he made me march around the house. I was in so much pain, but the fact that my husband was marching in front of me, shouting left right left right,, made me almost pee myself a couple times from laughing so hard.

I hope you all are laughing from reading this. I find is hilarious and very humbling to say the least!

Hugs

Transfer is Friday!

2011-04-27T14:59:00.000-07:00

Out of my seven eggs, 6 were mature. Out of six mature eggs, they fertilized 4!! I am so very very excited!! My transfer day is Friday at 10:15am. The clinic decided on a three day transfer. Do not ask me why. Maybe they will tell us more about it on Friday. I called my husband right away. I was trying to hold back the tears, but it was not controllable. I told him and he was so excited. we both cried a little bit. I then called my mom, and she cried. I called my best friend, and she cried. It has been a crying fest!! Oh boy....I hope it is a boy too. At first I really wanted a little girl. a little girl that looks like me, walks and talks like me. It sounds so precious and fun. But, I want a boy just as bad. My husband and him can really bond and he would be momma's boy. But I would have him strong and independent as well. I just want a baby to call my own and hold and love. okay..got to stop or I will start the waterworks again.

what I fear: because I am always fearing something with this IVF rollercoaster.
1) I start the progesterone shots tomorrow. This needle is long! and I hear they give you a Charlie horse
2) I have to drink a lot of water an hour before my transfer. and then they have to put pressure on my stomach..for some reason I do not really understand. I fear peeing all over the place. That would not be fun. The nurse said maybe just drink one to two cups 1/2 hour before. I will see how full my bladder gets with one cup of water tomorrow to see how much and how long I need to have a full bladder.
3) one embryo or two? I believe i am set for one. I will be okay with that.

but overall, I feel so happy my babies are growing right now.

Done with Retrieval

2011-04-26T16:14:00.000-07:00

As I sit here on my couch, staring out at the ocean, I am so relieved the hardest part is over. I did it. Did the retrieval. This will be a short post, because I am in a little pain, and very tired. I went into the clinic with my mom and husband. They are my biggest cheerleaders. I was surprised when my mom really wanted to be there for me for the retrieval and transfer. She has been cooking for me all week. She is so sweet:) Love her so much. My husband has been real supportive and excited to finally do something actually in a physical way during this IVF. He was happy( hehehe) to do his business and give the embryologists his part of our future babies.

Here's my experience with my Retrieval. I go in and the first phlebonomist tried to get a vein in my hand. Nothing. And let me tell you, it hurt. But no fainting. The second phlebotomist comes over about 20 minutes later. At this point, I am a nervous wreck. I am shaking. seriously. I am so embarrassed to write this, but yes. My legs are shaking and my teeth are shattering. I am pretty sure, most women going through this have not had this reaction. But yes, I am a worried women. I have even tried to calm myself with the circle+bloom cd. It was not really working. Okay..so the second phlebotomist comes over and tries my left arm. Nothing. Then tries my right arm. Nothing. Then tries my right hand, nothing. Now I am starting to get nervous. and in pain. But never did I faint!

At this point, I am completely shaking and I ask my mom and husband nicely to go into the waiting room because I just needed to breathe and have the ladies..all three of them( including the anesthesia technician) do their job without others hovering over them. Finally they did it with a two person team, plus with injecting my hand with a bee sting shot of something that numbed it( thank god!!)

Then they brought me into the room. There were 4 people in there. And I felt really embarrassed to be there with my legs open with four strangers looking at my woohoo. But the medicine worked in minutes. Next thing I knew I was in the recovery room. How awesome is that!!! So happy!! Really girls, the retrieval is really not that bad, unless they can not find that vein!

So I took my time, three hours and all.

Here are the results. I had 22 follicles, and 7 eggs came out. The doctors and myself felt really let down. We were all expecting at least 11. I am so nervous. What if none of them fertilize. I do not find out until tomorrow. I have expressed I am nervous a couple times. The doctor said, it is not the quantity, it is the quality. So...I am trying to be positive.

I am praying and trying to keep positive and waiting patiently until the call tomorrow afternoon.

Hcg Trigger Update

2011-04-25T11:16:00.000-07:00

Just want to write a little about my trigger experience. I read from Melissa's,the Stirrup Queen's book, Navigating the Land of If,a little before I triggered.. She has really helped me in so many ways during my infertility experience. Anyways, she wrote about trigger shots sting being medium to high. Here is my experience with the HCG trigger injection. I put the needle in and injected the liquid into my body. Nothing. I felt no pain what so ever. Then about a minute in, I had to lay down. What it felt like was a little burn and pulling. It was not painful, just felt real strange. Also, the place of injection is sensitive that night and today still. So be gentle in that area. I want to warn you, I am sensitive, well..more sensitive than most in my opinion. I faint often during blood draws, so I work myself up. It was not painful, just be aware you may want to lay down, and let the medicine do its job. I did a meditation from circle + bloom for the trigger shot beforehand. I love this program. The meditations really helps you relax and reflect on how you are feeling through each stage of IVF or IUI. Anyways, not painful...but you may want to lay down afterwards and think of the medicine as a glowing light soothing and do it's magic in your ovaries and that this medicine is helping our eggs and follicles to do what they are suppose to do.

Roller Coasters, Triggers, and Awards!

2011-04-24T16:09:00.000-07:00

Yayayayayayyayaya!!! Estradiol level is at 2231. My retrieval is on Tuesday at 9:30am!! My trigger shot is at 9:30pm tonight. Is this painful? I am a little nervous, but mostly so excited. AHHHH!!! I want this baby so much! I want this baby maybe too much. I get scared and start weeping because I fear the negative. I just keep telling myself to be grateful for the science and medicine that is helping me achieve this family I have wanted since I was a child. And...I so want to create a family and child for my husband and parents. I want to be able share the joys of watching my child with their grandparents. I feel I may just die inside if I do not get to share this joy. Baby or not, I am so grateful that I had the resources financially to do this. A lot of other couples have to wait years to be able pay for such a procedure without insurance. And when I feel sad for myself..I think..:
IT COULD BE WORSE!

It really could be.

I have a husband that loves me till death do us part. He loves me with all my faults. He is patient and well..he is so wonderful and helpful. My parents care about me and friends and bloggers rooting for me. I love this life of mine, pain and all. Again...I have to say how much I appreciate all your comments and encouragements. I am so grateful for this blogging community. Some of you have really inspired me. There are funny bloggers that have had me laugh so hard and have cheered me up on a raining or stormy day. There are some bloggers that I can relate with so much, I feel like if I met them, we would instantly become best friends. Then there are the bloggers that give me strength.

These bloggers that give me strength by sharing their stories that make me shocked and bewildered at how much they have gone through and still have the strength to keep on keeping on. When I have gone to their blogs for strength, I am reminded if they can do this, once, twice, three times..or even SIX times: then I can do this!

I am also happy with myself because I did not faint today or yesterday. Both blood tests were very uncomfortable, but I worked through the fear and pain and did not faint, thanks to a few tips from chinadoll. I can not express how happy and proud I am after a blood test when I don't faint. It is very close to a roller coaster. You wait in line and your stomach starts feeling all bubbly and your mouth starts to dry. You feel like you have to pee. You try to drink some water, but it makes your feel nauseous. Then you get in the seat, and you know it is going to be scary. You start going on the ride, and your heart starts to go faster. It gets scary and at the top of the roller coaster, you know it is about to get real scary..and then...as you start to go..there is no where else to go but to let go!

Ahhh.letting go!!! This is the best feeling,because you know finally it is done. You can breath clear and with ease. You can comfortable drink or eat without feeling uncomfortable. This is the roller coaster of my IVF process. This roller coaster of fear, pain, joy, and elation. Okay..this roller coaster of trigger is tonight. And then another roller coaster for the retrieval, transfer, and then PIO. It never really ends does it! :)

Thank you for my Award!! This has made my day!!!

Thank you Krissi, China doll, and Andrea
Here is the award and fun details when you get the award:

Here's how it works:

Winners grab the image above and put it in your blog. Link back to the person who gave you it. Tell 10 things about yourself. Award 15 recently discovered bloggers.
Contact the bloggers you have awarded to let them know they have won.

I hate picking because really I am addicted to so many blogs..let's see..
1)http://tippyandtidy.blogspot.com/
2)http://ourfertility.blogspot.com/
3) http://ournewplana.blogspot.com/
4) http://manyadventuresofalex.blogspot.com/
5) http://justusandthecat.blogspot.com/
6) http://pollinationchronicles.blogspot.com/
7) http://macandpccache.blogspot.com/
8) http://marriedwithendo.blogspot.com/
9) http://cattiz.blogspot.com/
10) http://hopefulforababy.blogspot.com/
11) http://daybydaymiracle.blogspot.com/
12) http://adventuresininfertilityland.blogspot.com/
13) http://uncommonnonsense1.blogspot.com/
14) http://thehardestquest.blogspot.com/
15) http://mommyfromivf.blogspot.com/

10 things about myself:
1)I secretly wish I could be a famous song writer
2) I love yams, especially with cinnamon and salt
3) my favorite time of the year is November
4) I used to be horribly addicted to facebook
5) my favorite place to visit is Maui
6) I dream of visiting Greece
7) I love fettuccine with Pesto sauce
8) When I was younger I only wore pink and purple( it stopped at age 10)
9) I am extremely close with my mom and best friend from junior high(we call each other or text each other every day)
10) When I drive in my car, I sing and dance.

please click on: http://www.whitneyanderick.com/?p=2759&utm_source=viral&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=ribbon

and get a great ribbon to from one of my favorite bloggers:)

Random thoughts from the fainter!

2011-04-22T17:23:00.000-07:00

Got another blood test and U/S today. Yes, I fainted again. That really sucked, and I am disappointed, but I can not dwell on the failure of stopping myself from fainting. Because- well, I think it may be happening again, since I will have to get my blood test tomorrow again, and the next day and the next day. I am trying not to think how much that really is going to make me faint, and just be calm and relaxed. All the nurses and doctors know me now as the fainting girl. I hate it..I really do. But I am grateful the medicine has made my estrogen level 945, and my follies are growing. Most are around 11. One is 14, and one is 6. Not happy about the one that has 6 millimeters, but the doctor said that is normal. The doctor thought I need to come back everyday, since the follies may grow and estrogen level may spike. I appreciate the caution, but I really wish I did not have to get another blood test. I think it really is for the best though. The doctors know what they are doing.

At this stage, I am not sure if it is me, but I feel really bloated and gassy. The twinges and sharp pains are increasing. I am officially on vacation now, and I am so bored. I wish I could go somewhere or walk, but all I want to do is lie down and sleep. I am drinking so much water, it really is best that I am in my house close to the bathroom. I hate that I have such a small bladder.seriously, if I take 5 sips, within 15 minutes, I have to go to the bathroom. Embarrassing.

Anyways,

I am in a little of a daze..and real spacey. This post was kind of a random vent.

I hope you all are having a wonderful weekend:) and are feeling good.

go follies go!!! 2, 4, 6, 8 who do we appreciate!! You know I really appreciate my friends, family, husband, my doctors, and all you bloggers who comment and make this experience so much more easier and like I am not doing it alone. I can not imagine going through this without the support of all of you. Even if you do not comment, I know someone is witnessing what I am going through and I am not alone.

oh..one more random thought that swirls in my mind:

do any of you feel kind of spacey and high after you give yourself the stim shots. I have to lie down for a few minutes. It kind of feels painful too.

I'll be back, but I got to go pee! :)

No fainting: just overflow of emotions!

2011-04-20T18:57:00.000-07:00

I got my blood test today and there was no fainting. The women was a little harsh and tied the rope around my arm a little tight, but she did a great job and did not create a burn. I was very relieved I did not faint. That is never a fun event. I also got my ultra sound and found out my follicles have grown from under 6 to over 6-8. I am not sure what it all means, but the nurse said that they are looking good and all growing at the same rate. So, I will take that as a good sign. My test result came back and my estrogen level is at 235. My next appointment is this Friday. I am very excited about this part of my journey.

As for my cat, I found a loving home one floor above mine. So, I can go and visit as much as possible. Ozzy was very mad. I had him sleep over and well, I went over the next day(today) and he was hiding behind the toilet. Very sad:(
I got him to come out and he became warm and loving. I caressed him and pet him and then we took a stroll around the house and I brought him to his food. He ate a little. He was very hungry. after about 30 minutes, he started getting agitated and hissed at his new owner. Ten minutes later, he hissed at me and almost scratched me. This new owner is very patient and understands this is normal. I am very thankful I found such a cat loving patient man. Also, this man is working from home, so Ozzy will have company all day. I will keep you posted in Ozzy's progress. I am going to see him tonight again. I hope he is more calm tonight.

As for my progress, I am very depressed. I miss my cat cuddling with me at night and when I am on my couch, he would be sitting on my lap and purring against my chest. I miss his soft fur warming me and cuddling with me. Tonight my husband and I got in a fight. It was a stupid fight. But what I have learned is, when we get in a big fight about something not so big, he eventually opens up. We finally slowed down in our fight and apologized to each other..and we started talking about other things. I had mentioned to him that I thought I was getting delusional because last night I woke up in the middle of the night and thought I heard his bell. My husband said, he heard the same thing. He then teared up a little. Oh, and then we both cried. This is like grieving a child. He is our child. I miss him, but I am so grateful he is just upstairs and we could go and visit. But in a way, it makes it hard as well. This new owner gets to cherish and cuddle, and love and be loved by our awesome little Ozzy. He is so wonderful and loving.

okay..enough about my cat..I need to stop crying because I am going to get dehydrated!! :)

I was watching Oprah this morning and was amazed with this one story. A couple tried to have a child. They did their first IVF cycle and at five months, the babies(twins) were born prematurley and were stillborn. The second IVF cycle did not work sadly. aAnd then the impossible happened. The women's 61 year old mother wrote them a later telling them how much she loved them and how she wanted to help: by being a surrogate for them. I was shocked watching this show, this women gave birth to her grandson. What a loving gesture. That couple is so lucky. I love my mom and she has been so helpful in this whole process, but it takes a special person to have give birth to three daughters in her earlier life, retire, and after ten years of menopause, have a child for your daughter. Amazing...beautiful, really. I had thoughts while watching it thinking, I could ask my mom. But she is just going to laugh at me and say, are you serious?

anyways, I am such a mess tonight. double whammy with a surge of hormones and then grieving a warm fur baby!

I will keep you posted and I hope to be a little bit more cheery and brighter the next time

hugs to all

Cool Blood test website

2011-04-18T15:52:00.000-07:00

http://www.fertilityplus.org/faq/hormonelevels.html

I thought the website above is a great website for anyone that is like me..very curious and very confused within this IVF coded world.

I got my first blood test back from the clinic after being of stimm meds for three days.
My estrogen level went from 34 to 100. The nurse said it was good..but I wanted to know more. I thought this website was very informative. If any of you see any more cool websites, please fill me in:)

Fainted!! Graham Crackers Didn't Work

2011-04-18T10:30:00.000-07:00

Yes, I fainted. I was doing so awesome. I fainted this morning when my blood was drawn. I know why the fainting happens. I do not feel like I have control. But, really it actually hurt. I got my blood taken at 7:30 am in the same place I got it drawn 5 days ago. And I have to go get it drawn in two days again. I hope they use another vein on my other arm next time. The nurse said she may have hit a nerve. I am not sure, all I know is it burned when she put the needle in and two hours later it still burned all around the area. I just feel really emotionally and physically drained when I faint. I am tired and worn out from crying. I was mainly crying because at this moment, I just feel out of control. I have these thoughts, like, how much more can I handle. I question my own strength. I want to be strong for myself, my husband and the child we are working so hard for, but there are moments during this IVF process where it is very irritating and slightly painful.

I wish I had more to say, more inspiring cheerful thoughts..but right now I am just not happy. I just wish, I could fast forward. I have to remind myself to be grateful. I am grateful for the medicine that I have been taking because it is helping me create a dream of mine. This medicine that I am taking is creating the possibility of making a baby. I have to keep my eye on the prize. I am trying to make a baby.

I am pretty aware of the medicine..there are twinges and burning sensations in my lower abdomen and lower back. My boobs have grown a little as well. That is strange. My husband seems to be curious as well. I have also been crying a lot. I think it is the hormones, because I will just cry all of a sudden, and it is not just a little cry..it is going on for a while with lots of Alligator tears. And then all of sudden, done, no more crying. I don't think crying is a bad thing. It really is a soothing thing for me and I feel better after I cry. it is a release.

Also, I have been really paranoid about the whole Ovarian twisting. So, I have had my husband bring in all the groceries and I am walking really slow. My brother asked me to baby sit his 14 month little girl. I so want to, but I do not want to run and pick her up. I wonder if I am being too neurotic. I just do not want to take any chances. I love being independent, and spending time with my Niece, but I have to think about myself right now.

I wonder if any of you have had this dilemma?

Three shots!!! did it!!

2011-04-17T11:00:00.000-07:00

I gave myself three shots last night! It was not that bad. really!! I am so happy! I tell you...this is such a rollercoaster of nerves and emotions.

IVF IS A CRAZY ROLLERCOASTER RIDE!!!!

the three shots were gonal f pen= so easy I thought..what happened? no burning?
monepur mix= little burn
Luperon= no pain..no sting

So, if I were to let any IVF newbies know about the shots, the pen is really great! No pain!!! Three shots is really not that bad.

Side effects:
Yesterday I felt really bloated. I had a head ache through out the day. I just felt a little drained and weepy. My poor friends and neighbor. Not only am I feeling scared with this IVF rollercoaster but, the tests came back for my cat and he has Toxoplasmosis in his feces.

Toxoplasmosis can effect the fetus 10-15% creating miscarriage, mental retardation, fluid in the brain, blindness.and more.

I have decided to find a home for my cat. We have a small one bedroom and Ozzy my cat just leaves litter where ever he roams. he has always been kind of messy that way. We tried to potty train him on the toilet, but that failed. he ended up too scared and pooing on our clothes. A few memories i would like to erase from my mind. I knew we would have to find a home for him eventually because he is not good with not scratching and biting, but I had no idea it would be this soon with the taxoplasmosis. I just can not take any chances. My husband was born with a few deformities with his arm, and I have seen pictures and heard from him and his family how hard it all was. I can not bare to go through that pain or put my baby in that kind of pain. I would not be able to live with myself. But I have one week. This completely thoroughly has thrown me off my rocker. I am crying a lot and anyone that asks me how I am doing. I start crying hysterically and tell them what I am going through..I tell them everything! My poor neighbor...she had no idea what was going to hit her when she said good morning, how are you and your cat?

So, I have posted cute pictures of my cat and have even offered to help with cat food and litter if needs be. I just need to find a warm and loving home for my cat.

Here is the problem, he gets too excited so he can not be around other animals or small children. And he is an indoor cat. This makes it very hard. I am not going to just put him outside and feed him when he comes around. There are dogs and cats in the neighborhood that can harm him. And I live by a very busy street, so I do not want him to be hit by a car. I got my very first call today. he is coming to meet Ozzy at 2pm...3 hours! I hope Ozzy acts nice and calm. He normally does not when he meets new people. I am so nervous. wish us luck!

HERE IS THE FLYER:

My name is

Ouch!

2011-04-15T22:44:00.000-07:00

First off: ouch!

I took the Lupron and the stim shot of two vials of gonal-f and menupor shot. The Lupron shot was hard. I had a hard time getting it in. And then I got scared waiting for the next shot. That one really burned. I am not sure..if it was shock or nerves, but I got it in and then once it came out I just started crying. You know..just a warning to all you newbies or future IVFers, it was really not that painful. I think it was just my nerves. There was a lot more liquid than I was used to and well..it was a bit scary shooting one more needle. And tomorrow and Sunday I have to do three. So bare with me..I am sure tomorrow will be a really long vent. I just feel even worse because I looked in my lupron kit and there are only two more needles. This is crazy because why would they order a 2 week kit when this is obviously not just two weeks. and of course it is Friday night, I can't reach anyone. I am not sure, but no one answers the phone after five and on the weekends. Not even the company where I ordered my meds from. I am really concerned what to do. I have a blood test first thing 7:30am Monday morning, so hopefully someone at the clinic can give me some needles or give me some assistance. So..I am going to make this post short and go meditate. I hope it calms me. It has been a tough night. I hope you all have had a better night than me and have great weekend.

but even though tonight really sucked: today was a great day. I spent a wonderful day with my favorite Niece and mom, shopping, eating ice cream, playing, smelling flowers. it was just such a fun day. Lots of good memories to erase this scary evening.

Baseline Ultrasound: Check

2011-04-14T10:30:00.000-07:00

Survived the baseline Ultrasound and now I am just waiting for my estrogen blood test. Yesterday was a big day. I was really nervous for a few reasons. The first was the blood test. I can't tell you how many times I have fainted when I have gone to get my blood tested for my hypothyroidism. Just recently the last few times at my hmo( Kaiser) I found this one women who does it quickly and makes me laugh. So, no fainting. But since I found out I will not be going to her for my IVF process, but to the UCSF for blood draws, I have been real nervous. I worry no longer!!! I guess since I have been getting myself acquainted with needles with the Lupron, this was so easy. I still did not look,but it went by within seconds and I had no fear. I can't tell you how happy I am to be getting over such a phobia of mine.

Back story of my fear. I actually have a pretty bad history of fainting. When I was about three, my mom ran and tripped over a coffee table to protect my older brother. And in doing that her knee cracked open and when she picked up my brother, she looked down at her knee which was gushing with blood, and my face was right there next to her knee. She looked over at me, my face went white, I went to scream and nothing came came out. Since then, whenever I have fallen or hurt myself I panic and in my head I see blood and fear overcomes me and I faint. Over the years it got really bad. Simple things like blood tests, sprained wrists, ankles, if I fell down: boom I would faint. One time I fainted when I had a horrible menstrual cramp. I recently fainted at my saline sonogram. This has been a stressful event because if I plan on having a child, the labor is nothing compared to anything I have ever felt before.

But I am happy to say, with exposing myself to the needles with Lupron, I showed no fear with the needles when I got my blood taken and the mock transfer went smooth even when they touched the top of my cervix. I was sure I would have have fainted if I did not meditate earlier in the day and did deep breathing. I have come so far, and I am going to celebrate this victory!! OH and no cysts. That is a great thing to hear. during my ultrasound, two doctors(women) came in. Seriously, they went so fast, my husband and i were trying so hard to keep up. It was really just ridiculous. I was just so happy I survived the pushing and violating of my ovaries and cervix, I was too happy to be annoyed that they were talking at the same time and oh did I forget that they put in the catheter that was way too hot to be put into my uterus. I screamed and and almost swore. The women(intern) said woops! lol anyways..they went in when it was cooler and everything went in fine. it was not painful at all. It did feel not so good when they touched the top of my unterus. But it was over in a second.

I went home, relaxed. I felt almost sedated. I then had pretty bad cramps. Yes...it was AF!! Ahhh...everything is coming along. I am going to soon see that BFP!!!

PETA removes infertility link from vasectomy contest | Weird | News | Toronto Sun

2011-04-11T11:46:00.000-07:00

PETA removes infertility link from vasectomy contest | Weird | News | Toronto Sun

Yay to Our Community speaking out!!!

No More Birth Control Pills

2011-04-10T09:15:00.000-07:00

Good Morning Bloggers,
I hope you all are having a good weekend. Yesterday was my last day of Birth Control Pills. I feel somewhat relieved, one last thing to jump at from my alarms of shots and pills to take. I have officially deleted on all future events on my phone's calendar.

As for the Lupron side effects: I guess it was just the one time deal with the itching when I injected it. It has not hurt or anything. A couple days ago I had a scare and thought I had a bladder infection. I was so upset, rushing to the lab and demanding I have to pee in a cup right away. It turned out it was nothing. I guess the pulling in my lower abdomen had to do with the shots, and the constant feeling of having to pee was well..obviously because I am drinking overboard to fix the digestion problem.

Thank you Miss MAC for advising Mirolax. it has been very helpful. I have also upped my glasses of water. I have not had any more hot flashes, just real irritation. My poor staff and husband. I guess what they have been telling me is that I seem very irritated and short. Negative energy is how they explain it. I have to say that irritates me. Actually, I have to admit everything is irritating me. I think some of you have expressed this feeling. But what I want is to be calm, grateful to be getting a chance to make a baby and happy and peaceful. Right now, I am having a hard time getting in that space.

I just feel all sorts of anxiousness. Not all the time, but here are a few of my concerns:
1) next Friday is my ultrasound baseline...they say they are looking for Cysts. CYSTS!
2) I fear the Lupron is not doing it's job completely. This is not rational. Just fear.
3) I fear the IM shots for the trigger and for the 9 and 1/2 weeks after I get my BFP
4) I fear what kind of reaction I may get from the stimm hormones..I am already losing it just on the Lupron
5) 50 % chance for IVf to be successful..enough said
6) One embryo or two?
7) Will my husband be able to perform on the big day!
8) my cat scratches and bites...I think I have to find a home for him..this will be hard. And then the cat litter is bad for the fetus..we have been trying to potty train him on the toilet..this has not been successful:(
9) just an overall feeling of OH Shit!
well that is about it. I think this list is long enough. Too long in my opinion. I need to just take deep breathes.
This is my little fantasy:
to be at some beach cabin in the summer. Me and my favorite people. A couple of weeks of relaxing and reading books. Walks on the beach and eating all my favorite foods. Oh..I wish this could happen. a little mini vacation.

Well...I hope you all check out my necklace slide show. :)

Hugs

6 days of my Lupron beaded Injection Necklace

2011-04-10T08:56:00.001-07:00

More Fun Lupron Side effects

2011-04-07T21:31:00.000-07:00

Good Morning!!
I have more side effects to share with all of you. Well...last night when I did my injection, I left the bathroom and right away with a burning sensation. And then itchy. Itchy like never before. Then the area became red and I could not stop itching it. That was not fun. Hot, red, itching, injections. I hope this does not happen tonight. Any ideas from any of you experts? I am going to get some products for my digestion, and mainly drink a ton of water today. I hope this will help. Every night since the injection I wake up at exactly 2am. I go to bed at 10:30 -11pm so, I get up after about 3 hours. Since that has been happening my dreams have been very vivid. I am having all sorts of interesting dreams. The other night I had a dream with horses, and I was back in school. I normally can wake up from a dream and understand why I had it and learn from it, but these dreams make no sense. They are just random, at least that is what I have taken from them.

at this time, I am just pooped. I am so tired it is kind of funny. Remember those first few slumber parties as a kid and you stayed up all night. it was so much fun running around and giggling to the early morning, but that next day you were really cranky and tired. Well..this is the feeling alright.

What I am craving:

Lupron Side effects

2011-04-06T09:10:00.000-07:00

I am a freaking pro at giving myself needles. I am so proud of myself. Seriously I have fainted many times when I get my blood drawn. But now after I have my husband get the needle ready for me, I grab the needle and give it to myself!!! Yay me!!! The first night I got a little dizzy. And the place where I injected felt a little itchy. Both nights I did it, I left the bathroom right away and then sat on my couch with disbelief. My husband is always the one to remind me that I did a great job and that I get to pick a bead for my necklace. I really do get excited then. He then reminds me as we go get into the kitchen and get tea, that I did a great job and he is proud of me:) I really appreciate him cheering me on. And my mom went with me the other day to get the beads and she has been so supportive.

Yesterday was the first day that I did my first injection of Lupron. I wonder if this is in my head, but I was so tired. I mean dead tired. Real spacey lathargic. I had a mini headache throughout the day. It wasn't very painful, but just kind of a weak little throbbing throughout the day. It was a hot day, so I am not sure if I had hot flashes. I baby sat my niece with my mom yesterday. My niece was so adorable. We brought her to the baby park for the second time. I have to admit, she was so adorable in the sand box. I really think she is going to be a very smart girl. Did I mention she is an IVF baby? Well, she is a very outgoing silly girl. She is always laughing and saying hello( and hola) to everyone. She is becoming trilingual by the way. Her mom is Chinese and her nanny is Spanish. Anyways, I just had to brag about how my Niece is very determined. When she gets into something,, she get a serious face and has to finish. She is great and I love her to death!!

Anyways, while I was playing with my brilliant Niece in the park, I looked around and there were all mothers standing together talking about their kids and they all looked so proud and happy. I could understand their happiness, I get a little glimpse of how great it can be every week with my Niece. It kind of knocked the wind out of me, and I felt very uncomfortable. It was a feeling of envy at the pit of my stomach. But I went with it and it was fine and we eventually left to get some lunch. Through out that time, I think I was getting hot flashes. I really was not sure though. It was not until later in the day with my friend that I truly believe I got a hot flash. We were in target and all of a sudden my body got really hot. I took off my sweatshirt and my friend said "oh my god"! I said "what"? She said "your chest and face are bright red." Well, I think I had a hot flash.
Great...I am 33 and I am feeling menopause!! Oh well.

Other side effects. I have been feeling very emotional. I will cry very easily. You know, I am not sure if this is a real side effect of the Lupron either. I am pmsing, I went to the Park and saw all the happy mothers, and well it is sad being the only one who isn't a mom. I try not to be oh poor me, but when I have become a pin cushion, I think I have the right to be upset sometimes. But overall I am excited that all this is hopefully going to make a baby. There is a 50% chance of it at least. Right?

Sleep insomnia. I have no problem going to sleep. Especially since it has been officially today a whole week since I quit coffee. By 10:30pm my eyes are closed and anyone who trys to stop me is very much a victim of my wrath! But the last two nights since I have taken the Lupron, I go to sleep at 10:30 but at 2:30 I wake up very hot and have a hard time going back to sleep. I guess this is the night sweats. It's a pain because I feel really tired in the morning and the rest of the day. Also I have been having lots of anxiety dreams. And the last side effect and it may be TMI but I will just say I guess I will be buying prune juice for me. Not fun! Okay...I will fill you in for the fun side effects I will feel as my day progresses. I am sure tired will be a main one.
But here is to us IVF strong women who are determined to have our babies!!!

Hugs

Just Another Day

2011-04-02T23:31:00.000-07:00

Thank you all for calming me about my spotting scare. I am a little jumpy right now:( I have been such a spaz lately. I feel like I need to just calm down and breathe. I will get there...I hope. I loved something my husband shared with me tonight. He said, "we do not own anything in this world, we are just caretakers". This is why I love my husband. He always has a way of putting things into perspective. I sometimes get so caught up and I lose track of things. I basically forget to take care of myself, my car, just about everything. I get so caught up in owning this thing or that thing that I do not take care of the things right in front of me. This is a life lesson I really need to get a hold of. I do appreciate all the things that are given to me, but sometimes, I get caught up in too many things, that I am not 100% with anything.
Things I need to get back on track with:
1) I need to clean my car inside and out
2) a major spring cleaning is needed( drawers, closets, storage area)
3) I little time with my Dad- I have not spent any time with him. I would love to just talk with him
4) I have not been exercising very much. It really is spontaneous and not scheduled.
5) I need to create a spreadsheet for my finances- this one scares me the most

Saturday I worked all day. It was such a slow day, from 11am to 3 and then everything changed. I can tell you honestly about 15 children came into my store and three pregnant women. Really!!! In one day...there had to be that many children and pregnant couples come in. And the day before..I must have seen 40 kids. I was working at one of my stores where there is an Ice cream store next door and it was finally over 80 degrees in Northern California so everybody came out. Anyways, lots of kids are coming out of the wood works!! So I am in the store and the first couple came in with their 2 year old. This adorable boy was very behaved...until his parents started ignoring him. I manage a few furniture stores and if any of you have ever worked in a furniture store you can understand what happens when a certain kind of parent brings their children into your store. They think that since there are a few salesman, they can spend 2, 3 and sometimes 4 hours just relaxing on your furniture as their kids create chaos in your store.

I knew it was going to go down as soon as the little adorable kid turned into a monster as he played bongos on our glass tables. The parents did nothing. I got very irritated for a minute, and then decided to take over...because the parents were doing nothing! I started playing peekaboo, marching around, brought out some toys and got real creative with some candles we had in the back of the showroom. I was sweating, but it was working. He was eating it up! I felt somewhat satisfied. But a little sadness came over me. This is not my child. Will I ever be able to have a child. I would just love to have my child call me momma and run to me and be needed.
Okay...those feeling quickly went away when another customer came in and I brought adorable 2 year old to his parents. As I was talking to the nice gentleman who had a sweet face and a patient way about him, another father came in with his very energetic 4 year old. As I was talking business with the patient customer, the little girl looked very determined as she walked straight over to me and introduced herself as Laura and that she liked rainbows. Well, how could I possibly ignore such an interesting subject and asked if I could be right back with the patient man and brought the little girl over to the adorable 2 year old who was starting to jump on the furniture because again the parents were ignoring him. I introduced the two and they instantly became best friends. I was able to talk with the nice gentleman, but what I noticed was three more families came in, as well as a pregnant lady, her husband and her 6 year old little girl who had on about 8 different layers of clothes, which all happened to be blue. Her mother told me later that today was national autism day and we were supposed to wear blue. I had on blue earrings, so I was covered.

Well, this story could go one, but let me just give you a little visual. I had to step back a few times and just get myself a glass of water as I stared with shock through out my store. I had children in every corner running around giggling, parents shouting don't touch that, and couples everywhere lying down on couches as their kids were jumping, running, hiding, and, just enjoying themselves. It was nice to watch. Exhausting, but nice to witness. I thought to myself how I envied this everyday chaos. Well, that is just a day in the life of a crazy infertile sales manager.

I hope you all are having a great weekend. Tomorrow I am getting the beads for my injection necklace. I am so excited. If any of you want to do this with me, it should be fun:)

hugs

Kind of stressing

2011-04-02T14:30:00.000-07:00

Okay..I hate to stress. My period is so strange. I have one more week until my period is supposed to start and I am spotting. I normally spot about 5 days before my period actually happens, but I am confused. I thought that since I am on BCP my period would be controlled by my medication. Now, I am just worried because will this off set all my medication. I am supposed to start my Lupron on Monday. I am thinking worst case scenario: basically I have to wait another month. I am not sure. Have any of you gone through something like this? Please tell me you have...because I may start to cry:(
Well, I guess now I just wait until Monday to talk to my doctor's assistant.

I am ready!

2011-04-01T09:44:00.000-07:00

I am so ready for these needle injections now!! I am more than excited! I went to the injection class and I left singing kumbaya!!! I only sing this when I am really happy! AND I AM! It was a two hour class and the woman who led the class was very humorous and informative.We practiced all the different needles(pen...mixing, powders, and IM injections) watched a movie...and then she said we were going to practice injecting ourselves. That's when my husband said my face turned white. I had no idea about the colors my face was turning, but my stomach was doing was crazy acrobatics! It was getting ridiculous. But..within time I was laughing and giggling with my husband as I completely had no idea what I was doing with the needles. He was a pro, except for the one moment he accidentally squirted his neighbor with his needle. OOOPS!! We were giggling in the corner...it brought us back to high school! We were always almost separated from the teacher.:)

Then it was time to inject ourselves. Thetan said he was worried I was going to faint. I do that at times with needles and such. I am kind of a wuss. Well, the fact that I had been practicing with the needles for two hours and that the needle that i would be injecting myself with was much smaller than some of the mixing needles..it didn't really look that bad. And one other thing. I do not like to be naked in front of strangers. So with the motivation to hurry and get my clothes back on and to do well in front of the husband I did it! I was the first one done. I stuck myself and realized..this does not even hurt! Hurray! After I was done, with the help of my husband telling me what to do, I finished like a pro!! He looked shocked and proud!! I started jumping and laughing!! By the time I sat down I had looked and everyone was having their husbands do it and one women was crying. I became quiet right away. My husband and I looked at each other and we realized as the instructor helped the women get over her fear that she was very scared, I felt really bad I had been jumping for joy. Eventually her husband did it and the look on her face showed it did not hurt and she would be okay. That was great to watch!

Then the instructor got out her fake butts so we could practice IM injections! This part was just not fair. after I heared that with a BFP I have to have IM with Progesterone for 91/2 weeks I almost walked out!! And if I do not want to do that then I have to pay about $2000 for the vaginal inserts. HMMM? Money I just do not have. Well, it is all for the greater good of my future family. This is what I have to do to have my baby! Then this is what I will do!
Even if the terrible news of IM needles for almost three months after I get pregnant, it is all worth it!! I am so excited for Monday April 4th! My first real Lupron injection! Yayayayay

Oh, and by looking at my calendar, I will find out if I am pregnant by Mother's day!!! I am hoping it's a BFP!!

Hugs,
Marilyn

My Medicine is here!!

2011-03-30T13:04:00.000-07:00

I received my box of medicine and needles last night!! I was so excited..but now..wow..reality is here! I have my first injection class tomorrow and an appointment with my doctor's assistant. Do any of you have any suggests for quests and such?

Beware!! A Virus!!

2011-03-28T23:03:00.000-07:00

Beware of some website with Empowerher.com....do not go to this website...it will give your blog and computer a virus!!
I am so pissed..I got rid of it..but I do not know where it came from. I have checked and my blog is and computer is clean...I am so frazzled. Has anyone had this happen?

I am making a beaded necklace!

2011-03-26T15:04:00.000-07:00

I am going to make a necklace. Yes..I am going to the bead store next week and I am going to make a special necklace. My mom called me this morning and...well..I had a little mini breakdown. Not too bad..just complaining about the needles that I had been reading about. I have been reading Melissa's
(the Stirrup Queen's book) NAVIGATING THE LAND OF IF. She is a great advocate for all of us, but her book is even better. She breaks down step by step with little helpful tips for each situation, whether it is emotionally, financially, or physically. I have learned a lot from her book. From the beginning of my Infertility Journey, each step it has come in handy. Now I am reading about the IVF process with the medication. I was in the middle of the Stirrup Queen's guide to injections. Okay..it sounded real daunting and then the phone rang. It was my mom. I was trying to keep it together but whenever I hear her warm affection voice, I become 4 and start crying( when things are tough). I am so grateful for having a supportive mom. She allows me to break down and then she knows exactly what to say to cheer me up. She lets me vent..and then puts it to me bluntly....."you will get through this, you are strong". I said, "yes..you are right". That is mainly what my blogging buddies said. She said how great it is that I have a support system and that I found you all. I agreed. she then came up with a great idea..and if you all want to do it with me..I would love that. Basically, get the number of days you will be injecting. Then go to the store and get string and the amount of beads you will be injecting. Put the beads in a bag that is not see through or maybe a sock! :)

Then every night you have an injection, afterwards, pull a bead out and put it on the string. It is like an award:)
I love this idea. At the end of your cycle, you will have a beautiful necklace to remember all the hard work you did. It is kind of fun, rewarding, and therapeutic. I have searched bead stores in my area and there are some real authentic beautiful beads.

anyways, I hope you all are having a relaxing weekend:)
Hugs

Knocked Up - Where do Babies Come From?

2011-03-23T22:19:00.000-07:00

A little comical relief!!

Bare with me..it's a Vent!

2011-03-22T22:58:00.000-07:00

Okay...I have to get this out. I am freaking out just a little bit. Okay..okay..I know I said I would do anything to have a baby. Shots, hormones,...whatever. But oh my god!...Oh my god!! I don't think anyone can get ready for what is in store for me the next couple of weeks. I am giggling...the nervous giggles. It is strange..but the money stress is not there..it is just the needle fear now. I do not do well with needles. I am kind of all over the place tonight.

Last week my husband said you need to start getting ready for the labor, because you have to get through it with out fainting. Mind you...I have to get ready for the needles to get pregnant first! I agreed and said, what should I do. He said you have to really visualize what it is going to be like. So I did that night before I went to bed. I visualized all I could. I pulled visuals from my 8th grade science class. That was a crazy movie. I almost fainted watching it. I could not believe it. And then I took in the memories of the early morning as I stood by my sister in law's bed holding my brother up as she so bravely brought her little angel into this world. So I had lots of good pictures in my head. That morning I woke up from a dream of getting an epidural shot. That was not pretty. That seems really painful.

oh no!!! I am just in a very fearful state. I am sure tomorrow I will be better after a good night's sleep and maybe I will read some of your blogs. I aways seem to be in better spirits after a good dose of my support system.

oh..did I forget to reveal that I got my Calendar of medicine for the month of April. Yeah..that might be the cause of this freak out!! I was excited before..but it looks a little daunting at the moment. I know others have had so much more difficult than I have, But for a newbie..it seems pretty hard to go through all this. I know I will survive...I have to ..there is no choice.

Good night:)
hugs

two days of Reclipson

2011-03-21T10:27:00.000-07:00

Image via WikipediaAlright!! I am on my way. I am on my second day of Reclipson birth control pill. Has anyone else had headaches right away. I am not sure if I am just super sensitive, but yesterday was my first day on birth control and I had such a bad headache. It was pretty strong. But once I took Tyelonel, it pretty much went away. So, my mom came over yesterday. She is a such a great supporter to me and my husband. She cried with happiness for us. She is so excited for us.

We did a tarot reading. My mom and Husband are so into it! I was busy reading on my iphone how birth control pills affect the body with estrogen and progesterone, while they had books and three different books analyzing every card. I started paying attention when they asked me to throw the cards. I always have found it somehwhat enlightening and sometimes very true to my personality and sometimes it answers my questions...but only when they do my reading..it may be a little bit that they know me..probably..but I will take it anyways.

So of course I asked..how will this next month go. Well..let's just say..my future card was the Star. The Star means: Optimism, renewed hope, promise, healing an old wound, pleasure, balance, protection,balance. And my outcome card was Peace. Peace is the 2 of swords. It means resolution of conflict, selflessness, bravery, alliance, balance, veracity. Overall, it was a great reading. My husband read it and my mom read it. When my husband read it..he read one card that just made me kind of breakdown and cry. He just basically said my unconscious is just all jumbled up. Kind of feelings of confusion and feeling overwhelmed. That is an understatement. I really do not think Tarot is always a way to read the future..but it really brings my mom, my husband and myself closer and we can express our emotions. They understand me a little more now after the reading. It helped them understand that I am kind of freaking out about this whole IVf process. But also, that I am a very strong person and that I can get through it. Anyways, I hope you are all doing okay:)
Hugs
Marilyn

AF is Here! CD1

2011-03-19T12:00:00.000-07:00

OH Joy!! Oh happy Joy Joy!

Yes! I am celebrating my period. Cramps: Yay!! :)
I have officially started my cycle and tomorrow I will start my first day of of Birth Control pills! Bloating: Yay!!

Alrighty....gettin ready!! I am so excited, scared, and hopeful!
so..be ready for my rollercoaster of emotions. I was driving to work today for an hour..and I cried listening to Michael Bolten. That is a little humiliating...admitting that. There is something so amazing what I am about to be going through. I am just trying to absorb it . I thought to myself..this is the last time I will be waiting for my period. It has been so painful trying to conceive naturally. I do feel relieved I am leaving it up to the doctors. The feeling of hope, fear, and trying with all the pee sticks, fertility dolls and such has been exhausting. I have often heard from friends that they are praying for me. I told a friend the other day that my cycle is starting. She is a friend who I respect and really do look up to. I really appreciate her friendship. She is three months pregnant, so it was fun talking about all her symptoms and excitement with all the things she bought and hear about her future plans. She is one of the lucky ones who do not have to work for years after she gives birth. She will have to sacrifice a little with her husband working during the week hours away and then coming home for the weekends. I guess..while I wrote this, I realized we should all appreciate what we have. Because sometimes the grass on the other side is not greener. The last couple days I have been kind of jealous she does not have to work. But I am so appreciative that my husband will be with me every night and morning. There will be tough times ahead, but I am just so appreciative for what I have. This is a big reason why I blog. Not only do I realize so much about myself through blogging, but I find other's out there like you who either..give me words of encouragement, snap me out of my funk, or just hear me.
That brings me to another point... Yes..my friend said the usual.. I guess it happens a lot. But it did get me a little bothered..and I ate a lot of ice cream when I got home. She said, there is this girl at work who was preparing for IVF and right before it started, she got pregnant. Why did she tell me that? I was spotting at the time and I became just hopeful that maybe just maybe I would be one of the special ones. So for that night and Friday..I prayed..I hoped, and got so damn frustrated! and then finally...I got my period last night. I got pissed. Why I am not one of the lucky ones. I have to take shots, and go through surgery, and get all crazy pain. So yes..this is my rollercoaster. So I can feel hopeful, and then, pissed, and then sad, and then angry, and hopeful again, and then positive. And then it starts all over again! Anyways...at this point I am feeling relieved and hopeful!
Ahhh. that felt good to get out. I hope you all are having a good week...I will be get reading soon:)
Hugs

Serendipity

2011-03-16T22:40:00.000-07:00

Serendipity is the effect by which one accidentally stumbles upon something fortunate, especially while looking for something entirely unrelated.

This happened to me today. I was so tired after I came home from work today. I have been spotting, and AF has let me know she is arriving, but is taking her time! I have been especially emotional today. A little more sensitive than normal. I am not angry or grumpy, just feeling like I need to recharge my battery after a two day nap.

Well, I turned on my laptop and went onto facebook and realized my profile of a weird looking bird, was well..just too weird. so I went on google images to look up pictures to apply on my facebook profile. I went through a few different themes and finally decide on sleepy. I found this hilarious picture of Sleepy, one of the dwarfs. When I clicked on it to save on my computer, it loaded and on the top of the page it read, Our Road to IVF. I was shocked! How did I find this blog, while clicking on one of the seven dwarfs. Whatever..I went with it..and started reading it.

All of a sudden it was an hour later, and I was crying reading this couples beautiful story. Please check it out..it is such an inspirational story...

I also really liked the detailed way they went through each step.

I found it so surprising that I found this website. it was a gift. an unexpected gift.

Hugs,
Marilyn

Joining the IVF sisterhood

2011-03-15T10:11:00.000-07:00

So, it begins!

I am spotting. Yes. I just wrote that. But it is true. The spotting has begun, and soon, my Aunt Flow will be here. I will then take my birth control pills, and wait to get my cycle list of medication. I am so excited, I can hardly contain myself!! This will be my very first cycle.

Questions in my head:
How long is a cycle?
Why did my doctor order one dispense and three refills of Desogen(birth control pills)?- does that mean it is three months? too long!

Well, I called my husband and everyone I know screaming with excitement that my period is coming. They all kind of giggled and went with it.

I have a little fear. The needles, the menopause reaction, the side effects. At this moment I feel like it is all worth it. I am sure I will be singing a different story in a few weeks. I am also concerned I will gain weight on the hormones. I guess, I will try to workout as much as I can during this cycle. This is my first cycle, I am really want to keep Positive and think baby thoughts through this time of babymaking!!!

THERE IS SO MUCH PRESSURE!!

I have been not blogging for a while. It has been a few weeks. My family and I have been going through some pretty dramatic stuff. I am refocusing on creating my family, and they will have to go through the drama mainly by themselves. They can not always lean on me and make me the mediator. They will survive without me. I am not able to deal with the stressor...nor do I want to be part of it anymore anyways. I love my family, I really do, but sometimes I think, they like the drama.

I guess the last straw was when I was over at my mom's and my brother and his child(his 14 month old daughter) were there. I was playing with the child and later that night I gave her a bath. All through this time( a two hour period of time) my niece was saying daddy , daddy. And her dad( my brother) was ignoring her. I kept saying, you daughter wants you, she is calling your name. Well, after about the third time, with his daughter knocking at the bathroom door and my yelling out, your daughter is at the door...he came in yelling at me. He said, "stop telling me I need to spend time with my daughter. I am the parent I know how to raise my child. You do not have kids so you do not know. Until you have kids, don't tell me how to raise my child because you do not know what you are talking about".

Okay..no tears from me. I did not cry. I was furious. Burning mad!!! I drew the line..and not speaking or being around such devastating anger and drama. He is just a mean, selfish, rude person. I am ashamed he is my own brother. What Brother talks to their sister, knowing the pain and heartache this has been for me and my husband. The sad part for him is he also went through IVF with his wife and he does not even want to spend time with his daughter. Shocking!!!

But enough about the drama..it is over. I will still spend time with my niece, because she is just a bundle of Joy...but I am staying far far far away from my brother.

So..here I wait for Aunt Flow to come. Come quick!!! I can not wait!!!

Welcome IComLeavWe

2011-02-20T22:16:00.000-08:00

Welcome all you IComLeavWe readers and loyal commenters. It is my favorite time of the month again.
Thanks again to the Stirrups Queen for creating this great way to build support. So you can read my previous posts below to get to know me. I am very excited to hear from new readers and to catch up with others that I have not heard from in a while. At this time, I am waiting one more month to start my first IVF process. I am anxiously awaiting the rigorous hormone torture. I think what I want to focus on this month is what our Government(USA...I am in California) is doing to help us in the IF community. I was reading this interesting article from one of my favorite bloggers, fertilityauthority. I never knew how much the government can control the future of the infertility research and health coverage. I would also like to know more about how to get better health coverage or at least begin the fight for the future of this community.

1) what has your experience been with getting health coverage for your infertility... In the USA or any where in the world?
2) Do any of you know about how we can participate in this fight to get our government to help us?
3) this article is a must from the Stirrup Queens blog. Melissa brings up the fine line between speaking up about infertility so the world is more aware that we are out there and that bringing up and conversing about the subject may help us with health care..but with that brings up many issues because we in return often become the victims from insensitive and ignorant people.

Gratitude

2011-02-20T18:00:00.000-08:00

It has been awhile. I am using my husband's little netbook because my laptop died on me. I have been so empty without it. It has been so great being able to read and catch up on your blogs. And I have to say I am a little blogger shy..it has been so long since I have bared my soul with this community. Well, let's see. Where to begin. I just want to say to many of you who got a BFN this month, I was watching the new Karate Kid 2010 version. I thought it was not so good, but one line from the movie made me think of all of you. Mr. Han, the kid's teacher say's to him:

"You have taught me very important lesson, Xiao Dre. Life will knock us down, but we can choose whether or not to stand back up. "

I don't know what happened but I started weeping. You all are so strong going through these procedures for months, and sometimes years!! YOU never give up! And some of you, have such grace about you. I am so proud to be part of this community.

As for you all with BFP!! Wow!! Congrats!! I am so happy for you..and you give me strength and hope!!

the latest with me:
I got my period this month. I actually thought for a couple days after I was a week late that maybe my husband and I made a baby!! I started going to that happy place. You know the relieved that the hormones and money was not a factor in starting a family. Nope! That was short lived. My period arrived. I think I handled it pretty well. Only a few casualties. Oops. I can not help it. Well, I think everyone understands, I am on edge lately. I am not doing the hormones yet:( I hope March will be my start to the hormone journey. It all depends if money is coming in. Unfortunetley money is a huge stress behind my IVF process.

Besides the lack of IVF beginning, I think I am getting a little lost within it. I find myself stuck on what to say to friends and family when they ask me what is new with me. Besides the baby urgency and emptyness, I feel there is nothing else. That makes me think, I may need to get a life. But the reality is that all my friends and family have kids or have just recently announced their pregnancy. HMM...and the other friends, we complain together that we are not pregnant and everyone is telling us they are pregnant. It is kind of funny. I am not sure why I laugh about it, but it is kind of hilarious!! I wonder if there is any comedians and funny movies about this.

Good things, a family relative who needed to get into rehab has finally checked in, way past due but better late than never!! I am nervous for this person, but I am keeping my fingers crossed that the seed is planted and this person gets some healing done quickly!

My health...I am going in to the lab to get my blood taken tomorrow. I am checking on my thyroid. I really hope it is around 1 so I can start the IVF process. I am also going to check if I am immune to toxoplasmosis. My cat was tested and he does have Taxosplasmosis. Which means, it is not good to be around his litter while I am pregnant. That makes me really nervous.

My cat is a major stress for me regarding having him around me when I get pregnant. Not only when I am pregnant though. When the baby is born, I do not trust my cat. He is an indoor cat and he is the king of everything. He also has a temper all of a suddenly. Most of the time he is a lovebug and just wants to cuddle. But then, all of sudden, he bites...hard. I do not want him harming my child. I do not know what to do. I get so mad every time he bites me or scratches me. I love him though. He has been my baby for 9 fun years. He has been through so many hard times with me and my husband. I do not know, I guess one step at a time.

Anyways, I guess that is enough for now. I hope you all are having a great weekend.

hugs,
Marilyn

Sad

2011-02-15T14:58:00.000-08:00

My stupid laptop is giving me a hard time and broke on me:( So I have a good two minutes to write this at work.
I am so pissed. I am not able to coherently communicate how sad I am right now. I am not pregnant, nor can I afford an IVF $30, ooo. Who has that in their back pocket right!? Still can't cry though..need to leave work in about an hour and then I am going to cry my eyes out!!! Everyday I hear someone else is pregnant. Today I found out a friend is pregnant. Two days ago facebook friend said she was. I really can not handle this!! sick to my stomach...really

okay...I am not sure all the reasons that are making me so lunatic and upset. I get a call from my mom telling me..are you alone? Can we talk? I say did someone get hurt? she says no.._______ is Pregnant. It was like she was telling me someone died. There are so many reasons why I think she told me like that. But in the middle she says oh..your sister in law is calling let me call you back. She then calls me and tells _________ law asked her not to tell her. What the fuck. That makes me so angry. I really can not control myself right now. Remember when Halle berry won her Oscar..that is me right now..but I am holding it all in. I am really upset. That is just what I keep on hearing in my head. This is not fair. This is not fair! I hate being a jeolous person..but...everyone is getting pregnant around me. every day on facebook someone is getting pregnant, my friends are telling me they are pregnant, my cousins, and now my ______ law. They were not even trying!!!
I really need someone to yell at or slap me to wake up! But this is a fucking nightmare!!!

My first AWARD!!!

2011-02-10T17:51:00.000-08:00

I am so excited!!! My first award. Thank you Kim for handing me the award...I do not know how stylish I am..but I will take it. lol Since I am going through such a hard time with infertility...this just brightens my world!!:) And the greatest part of this is I get to give awards out too.

Here are the rules for the acceptance of the award:
1. Thank and link back to the person who awarded you the award.
2. Share 7 things about yourself.
3. Award 15 other bloggers.
4. Contact these bloggers and tell them about the award.

oh and
5) copy and paste picture and gloat about your award on your blog!

Only 7..hmmm hahaha

1) When I turned 21, I achieved a promise I made to myself a year prior: to walk a marathon. I did in Hawaii and I made it to the finish line. It was one of my favorite memories, training with team in training and meeting so many great people.

2) I traveled to Israel when I was sixteen. It was another great adventure. so many great people I met and such great history to be seen.

3) a silly thing..hmm..my favorite guilty pleasure is watching the reality show big brother. I get so hooked. It is on after dark every night and three times a week during the summer. I just love the psychology behind it. It is just about the best reality show!

4) I had a dalmation while growing up. She was my best friend. We used to go to the beach and have picnics. I would bring pretzels and cheese. And in another bag would be lots of good cookies for her. And then we would stop and get ice cream for both of us. I loved her so much. My boyfriend would get jealous! He said I loved her more than him. It is probably true! lol..no...I loved them equally!

5) I am extremely giggly! I have the worst giggle fits. Normally if I am in a good mood, I will probably have everyone giggling or singing. Good times.

6) I have a Psychology background. I have a B.A. in Psychology and went to grad school for a master's in counseling..let's just say...did not proceed in that area...that story is for another post.

7) I love black licorice! Have you ever tried black licorice gum and ice cream. So delish!!

oh here are the awards..I really can't just pick 15...

http://www.sweetlifewithlizzi.com/
http://clewis-babyonmymind.blogspot.com/
http://christasbabyquest.blogspot.com/
http://manyadventuresofalex.blogspot.com/.
http://macandpccache.blogspot.com/
http://doihavetobeadink.blogspot.com/
http://mutemockingbird.wordpress.com/
http://www.stirrup-queens.com
http://adventuresininfertilityland.blogspot.com
http://fertilitychick.blogspot.com
http://www.afever.com/
http://wifetothenavylife.blogspot.com
http://horriblehormones.blogspot.com
http://infertilitydoula.blogspot.com
http://ambivalentwomb.blogspot.com
http://www.eatpraylovelive.com
http://mommyfromivf.blogspot.com
http://lovemarriagewheresthebabycarriage.blogspot.com
http://roadlesstraveledblog.blogspot.com
http://therockyroadtomotherhood.blogspot.com
http://try-try-again1.blogspot.com
http://ababybumpjourney.blogspot.com
http://www.whitneyanderick.com
http://marriedwithendo.blogspot.com/
http://storm-in-my-teacup.blogspot.com/
http://runnyyolk.wordpress.com/

I think I went over...oops:). But these blogs have made my blogging experience so rich and meaningful. I am
sure I am missing a few..but theseblogs have brought me to tears and laughter, helped ignite the fire in me and helped me see the light when I was far down in the dumps.

friends are great:)

2011-02-10T16:36:00.000-08:00

So cute

2011-02-10T16:02:00.000-08:00

For beginner cooks!

2011-02-10T15:20:00.000-08:00

This is the coolest youtube subscription. If you are not a regular martha stewart and want to learn how to cook..this is the best place! Check it out:)

cutest commercial

2011-02-10T15:17:00.001-08:00

I actually remember my dream last night

2011-02-01T18:56:00.000-08:00

I had a dream last night....I think my dream was trying to tell me something. I was running around, lost and confused..rushing around. I was with my friend and my husband. We were running late for a lunch reservation. We were running through halls with so many door to go through. We couldn't figure out where are table was. The hallway was long and very industrial. The doors were made of bamboo. Finally we found the room, we walked in and, like most of my dreams, it changes themes within seconds. We were doing yoga with a group of about 15. We slowed down and I felt at peace. My friend was there with me and my husband and we were so focused on the stretches. I do not remember much more from the dream, but I woke up relaxed. I am not a very good dream interpreter, but one thing I know is you can learn so much from a dream with the emotion you have when you wake up. I know the dream was telling me I have to slow down, and take the time to listen to what I need.

I needed this dream, I have been working overtime lately. I worked 7 days straight without a break, and finally today I got a break. And I checked out...watched the view and all my favorite episodes of Oprah. Smiles..:) I am so happy. Did a little laundry and now as I blog, I have a beef stew cooking on the stove. Okay..the honest truth...I cut the vegetables and my renaissance of a husband is really tending to our beef stew. I will blog about how I do not cook very well on my other blog! lol

So I will end this blog post with what is going on with me in the whole infertility situation. As of last week..I am going to be stalled one more month. I am very very...(did I say very) distraught about this. Bottom line..it is about the financial sum. it is so much..and well...I do not have it right now. It hopefully will be next month. I really want it to be..but this is got to be teaching me something right? I think it is patience. At least that is what I have to tell myself. There really is no other choice.

So..the negative thoughts I have in my head: I am being left behind..I am still not able to get into the mommies club. AHHHH!!!

lesson: patience..this gives me time to take care of my health and focus on yoga and writing..being creative.

At this moment I am fine. We will see where I am tomorrow.
Hugs to you all and I hope you all are doing good.
Sending positive vibes to all of you:)