I am making a beaded necklace!

I am going to make a necklace. Yes..I am going to the bead store next week and I am going to make a special necklace. My mom called me this morning and...well..I had a little mini breakdown. Not too bad..just complaining about the needles that I had been reading about. I have been reading Melissa's
(the Stirrup Queen's book) NAVIGATING THE LAND OF IF.  She is a great advocate for all of us, but her book is even better. She  breaks down step by step with little helpful tips for each situation, whether it is emotionally, financially, or physically. I have learned a lot from her book. From the beginning of my Infertility Journey, each step it has come in handy. Now I am reading about the IVF process with the medication. I was in the middle of the Stirrup Queen's guide to injections. Okay..it sounded real daunting and then the phone rang. It was my mom. I was trying to keep it together but whenever I hear her warm affection voice, I become 4 and start crying( when things are tough). I am so grateful for having a supportive mom. She allows me to break down and then she knows exactly what to say to cheer me up. She lets me vent..and then puts it to me bluntly....."you will get through this, you are strong". I said, "yes..you are right". That is mainly what my blogging buddies said. She said how great it is that I have a support system and that I found you all. I agreed. she then came up with a great idea..and if you all want to do it with me..I would love that. Basically, get the number of days you will be injecting. Then go to the store and get string and the amount of beads you will be injecting. Put the beads in a bag that is not see through or maybe a sock! :)

Then every night you have an injection, afterwards, pull a bead out and put it on the string. It is like an award:)
I love this idea. At the end of your cycle, you will have  a beautiful necklace to remember all the hard work you did. It is kind of fun, rewarding, and therapeutic. I have searched bead stores in my area and there are some real authentic beautiful beads.

anyways, I hope you all are having a relaxing weekend:)
Hugs

Knocked Up - Where do Babies Come From?

A little comical relief!!

Bare with me..it's a Vent!

Okay...I have to get this out. I am freaking out just a little bit. Okay..okay..I know I said I would do anything to have a baby. Shots, hormones,...whatever. But oh my god!...Oh my god!! I don't think anyone can get ready for what is in store for me the next couple of weeks. I am giggling...the nervous giggles. It is strange..but the money stress is not there..it is just the needle fear now. I do not do well with needles. I am kind of all over the place tonight.

Last week my husband said you need to start getting ready for the labor, because you have to get through it with out fainting. Mind you...I have to get ready for the needles to get pregnant first! I agreed and said, what should I do. He said you have to really visualize what it is going to be like. So I did that night before I went to bed. I visualized all I could. I pulled visuals from my 8th grade science class. That was a crazy movie. I almost fainted watching it. I could not believe it. And then I took in  the memories of the early morning as I stood by my sister in law's bed holding my brother up as she so bravely brought her little angel into this world. So I had lots of good pictures in my head. That morning I woke up from a dream of getting an epidural shot. That was not pretty. That seems really painful.

oh no!!! I am just in a very fearful state. I am sure tomorrow I will be better after a good night's sleep and maybe I will read some of your blogs. I aways seem to be in better spirits after a good dose of my support system.

oh..did I forget to reveal that I got my Calendar of medicine for the month of April. Yeah..that might be the cause of this freak out!! I was excited before..but it looks a little daunting at the moment. I know others have had so much more difficult than I have, But for a newbie..it seems pretty hard to go through all this. I know I will survive...I have to ..there is no choice.

Good night:)
hugs

two days of Reclipson

Image via WikipediaAlright!! I am on my way. I am on my second day of Reclipson  birth control pill. Has anyone else had headaches right away. I am not sure if I am just super sensitive, but yesterday was my first day on birth  control and I had such a bad headache. It was pretty strong. But once I took Tyelonel, it pretty much went away. So, my mom came over yesterday. She is a such a great supporter to me and my husband. She cried with happiness for us. She is so excited for us.

We did a tarot reading. My mom and Husband are so into it! I was busy reading on my iphone how birth control pills affect the body with estrogen and progesterone, while they had books and three different books analyzing every card. I started paying attention when they asked me to throw the cards. I always  have found it somehwhat enlightening and sometimes very true to my personality and sometimes it answers my questions...but only when they do my reading..it may be a little bit that they know me..probably..but I will take it anyways.

So of course I asked..how will this next month go. Well..let's just say..my future card was the Star. The Star means: Optimism, renewed hope, promise, healing an old wound, pleasure, balance, protection,balance. And my outcome card was Peace. Peace is the 2 of swords. It means resolution of conflict, selflessness, bravery, alliance, balance, veracity. Overall, it was a great reading. My husband read it and my mom read it. When my husband read it..he read one card that just made me kind of breakdown and cry. He just basically said my unconscious is just all jumbled up. Kind of feelings of confusion and feeling overwhelmed. That is an understatement. I really do not think Tarot is always a way to read the future..but it really brings my mom, my husband and myself closer and we can express our emotions. They understand me a little more now after the reading. It helped them understand that I am kind of freaking out about this whole IVf process. But also, that I am a very strong person and that I can get through it.  Anyways, I hope you are all doing okay:)
Hugs
Marilyn

AF is Here! CD1

OH Joy!! Oh happy Joy Joy!

Yes! I am celebrating my period. Cramps: Yay!! :)
I have officially started my cycle and tomorrow I will start my first day of of Birth Control pills! Bloating: Yay!!

Alrighty....gettin ready!! I am so excited, scared, and hopeful!
so..be ready for my rollercoaster of emotions. I was driving to work today for an hour..and I cried listening to Michael Bolten. That is a little humiliating...admitting that. There is something so amazing what I am about to be going through. I am just trying to absorb it . I thought to myself..this is the last time I will be waiting for my period. It has been so painful trying to conceive naturally. I do feel relieved I am leaving it up to the doctors. The feeling of hope, fear, and trying with all the pee sticks, fertility dolls and such has been exhausting. I have often heard from friends that they are praying for me. I told a friend the other day that my cycle is starting. She is a friend who I respect and really do look up to. I really appreciate her friendship. She is three months pregnant, so it was fun talking about all her symptoms and excitement with all the things she bought and hear about her future plans. She is one of the lucky ones who do not have to work for years after she gives birth. She will have to sacrifice a little with her husband working during the week hours away and then coming home for the weekends. I guess..while I wrote this, I realized we should all appreciate what we have. Because sometimes the grass on the other side is not greener. The last couple days I have been kind of jealous she does not have to work. But I am so appreciative that my husband will be with me every night and morning. There will be tough times ahead, but I am just so appreciative for what I have. This is a big reason why I blog. Not only do I realize so much about myself through blogging, but I find other's out there like you who either..give me words of encouragement, snap me out of my funk, or just hear me.
That brings me to another point... Yes..my friend said the usual.. I guess it happens a lot. But it did get me a little bothered..and I ate a lot of ice cream when I got home. She said, there is this girl at work who was preparing for IVF and right before it started, she got pregnant. Why did she tell me that? I was spotting at the time and I became just hopeful that maybe just maybe I would be one of the special ones. So for that night and Friday..I prayed..I hoped, and got so damn frustrated! and then finally...I got my period last night. I got pissed. Why I am not one of the lucky ones. I have to take shots, and go through surgery, and get all crazy pain. So yes..this is my rollercoaster. So I can feel hopeful, and then, pissed, and then sad, and then angry, and hopeful again, and then positive. And then it starts all over again!      Anyways...at this point I am feeling relieved and hopeful!
Ahhh. that felt good to get out. I hope you all are having a good week...I will be get reading soon:)
Hugs

Serendipity

Serendipity is the effect by which one accidentally stumbles upon something fortunate, especially while looking for something entirely unrelated. 


This happened to me today. I was so tired after I came home from work today. I have been spotting, and AF has let me know she is arriving, but is taking her time! I have been especially emotional today. A little more sensitive than normal. I am not angry or grumpy, just feeling like I need to recharge my battery after a two day nap. 


Well, I turned on my laptop and went onto facebook and realized my profile of a weird looking bird, was well..just too weird. so I went on google images to look up pictures to apply on my facebook profile. I went through a few different themes and finally decide on sleepy. I found this hilarious picture of Sleepy, one of the dwarfs. When I clicked on it to save on my computer, it loaded and on the top of the page it read, Our Road to IVF.  I was shocked! How did I find this blog, while clicking on one of the seven dwarfs. Whatever..I went with it..and started reading it. 


All of a sudden it was an hour later, and I was crying reading this couples beautiful story. Please check it out..it is such an inspirational story...


I also really liked the detailed way they went through each step. 


I found it so surprising that I found this website. it was a gift. an unexpected gift. 


Hugs,
Marilyn 

Joining the IVF sisterhood

So, it begins!

I am spotting. Yes. I just wrote that. But it is true. The spotting has begun, and soon, my Aunt Flow will be here. I will then take my birth control pills, and wait to get my cycle list of medication. I am so excited, I can hardly contain myself!! This will be my very first cycle.

Questions in  my head:
How long is a cycle?
Why did my doctor order one dispense and three refills of Desogen(birth control pills)?- does that mean it is three months? too long!

Well, I called my husband and everyone I know screaming with excitement that my period is coming. They all kind of giggled and went with it.

I have a little fear. The needles, the menopause reaction, the side effects. At this moment I feel like it is all worth it. I am sure I will be singing a different story in a few weeks. I am also concerned I will gain weight on the hormones. I guess, I will try to workout as much as I can during this cycle. This is my first cycle, I am really want to keep Positive and think baby thoughts through this time of babymaking!!!

THERE IS SO MUCH PRESSURE!!


I have been not blogging for a while. It has been a  few weeks. My family and I have been going through some pretty dramatic stuff. I am refocusing on creating my family, and they will have to go through the drama mainly by themselves. They can not always lean on me and make me the mediator. They will survive without me. I am not able to deal with the stressor...nor do I want to be part of it anymore anyways. I love my family, I really do, but sometimes I think, they like the drama.

I guess the last straw was when I was over at my mom's and my brother and his child(his 14 month old daughter) were there. I was playing with the child and later that night I gave her a bath. All through this time( a two hour period of time) my niece was saying daddy , daddy. And her dad( my brother) was ignoring her. I kept saying, you daughter wants you, she is calling your name. Well, after about the third time, with his daughter knocking at the bathroom door and my yelling out, your daughter is at the door...he came in yelling at me. He said, "stop telling me I need to spend time with my daughter. I am the parent I know how to raise my child. You do not have kids so you do not know. Until you have kids, don't tell me how to raise my child because you do not know what you are talking about".

Okay..no tears from me. I did not cry. I was furious. Burning mad!!! I drew the line..and not speaking or being around such devastating anger and drama. He is just a mean, selfish, rude person. I am ashamed he is my own brother. What Brother talks to their sister, knowing the pain and heartache this has been for me and my husband. The sad part for him is he also went through IVF with his wife and he does not even want to spend time with his daughter. Shocking!!!

But enough about the drama..it is over. I will still spend time with my niece, because she is just a bundle of Joy...but I am staying far far far away from my brother.

So..here I wait for Aunt Flow to come. Come quick!!! I can not wait!!!

Welcome IComLeavWe

Welcome all you IComLeavWe readers and loyal commenters. It is my favorite time of the month again. 
Thanks again to the Stirrups Queen for creating this great way to build support. So you can read my previous posts  below to get to know me. I am very excited to hear from new readers and to catch up with others that I have not heard from in a while. At this time, I am waiting one more month to start my first IVF process. I am anxiously awaiting the rigorous hormone torture. I think what I want to focus on this month is what our Government(USA...I am in California) is doing to help us in the IF community. I was reading this interesting article from one of my favorite bloggers, fertilityauthority. I never knew how much the government can control the future of the infertility research and health coverage. I would also like to know more about how to get better health coverage or at least begin the fight for the future of this community.


1) what has your experience been with getting health coverage for your infertility... In the USA or any where in the world?
2) Do any of you know about how we can participate in this fight to get our government to help us?
3) this article is a must from the Stirrup Queens blog.   Melissa brings up the fine line between  speaking up about infertility so the world is more aware that we are out there and that bringing up and conversing about the subject may help us with health care..but with that brings up many issues because we in return often become  the victims from insensitive and ignorant people. 

Gratitude

It has been awhile. I am using my husband's little netbook because my laptop died on me. I have been so empty without it. It has been so great being able to read and catch up on your blogs. And I have to say I am a little blogger shy..it has been so long since I have bared my soul with this community. Well, let's see. Where to begin. I just want to say to many of you who got a BFN this month, I was watching the new Karate Kid 2010 version.  I thought it was not so good, but one line from the movie made me think of all of you. Mr. Han, the kid's teacher say's to him:


"You have taught me very important lesson, Xiao Dre. Life will knock us down, but we can choose whether or not to stand back up. "


I don't know what happened but I started weeping. You all are so strong going through these procedures for months, and sometimes years!! YOU never give up! And some of you, have such grace about you. I am so proud to be part of this community.




As for you all with BFP!! Wow!! Congrats!! I am so happy for you..and you give me strength and hope!!


the latest with me:
I got my period this month. I actually thought for a couple days after I was a week late that maybe my husband and I made a baby!! I started going to that happy place. You know the relieved that the hormones and money was not a factor in starting a family.  Nope! That was short lived. My period arrived. I think I handled it pretty well. Only a few casualties. Oops. I can not help it. Well, I think everyone understands, I am on edge lately.  I am not doing the hormones yet:( I hope March will be my start to the hormone journey. It all depends if money is coming in. Unfortunetley money is a huge stress behind my IVF process. 


Besides the lack of IVF beginning, I think I am getting a little lost within it. I find myself stuck on what to say to friends and family when they ask me what is new with me. Besides the baby urgency and emptyness, I feel there is nothing else.  That makes me think, I may need to get  a life.  But the reality is that all my friends and family have kids or have just recently announced their pregnancy. HMM...and the other friends, we complain together that we are not pregnant and everyone is telling us they are pregnant. It is kind of funny. I am not sure why I laugh about it, but it is kind of hilarious!! I wonder if there is any comedians and funny movies about this.


Good things, a family relative who needed to get into rehab has finally checked in, way past due but better late than never!! I am nervous for this person, but I am keeping my fingers crossed that the seed is planted and this person gets some healing done quickly!


My health...I am going in to the lab to get my blood taken tomorrow. I am checking on my thyroid. I really hope it is around 1 so I can start the IVF process. I am also going to check if I am immune to toxoplasmosis. My cat was tested and he does have Taxosplasmosis. Which means, it is not good to be around his litter while I am pregnant. That makes me really nervous. 


My cat is a major stress for me regarding having him around me when I get pregnant. Not only when I am pregnant though. When the baby is born, I do not trust my cat. He is an indoor cat and he is the king of everything. He also has a temper all of a suddenly. Most of the time he is a lovebug and just wants to cuddle. But then, all of sudden, he bites...hard. I do not want him harming my child. I do not know what to do. I get so mad every time he bites me or scratches me. I love him though. He has been my baby for 9 fun years. He has been through so many hard times with me and my husband. I do not know, I guess one step at a time. 


Anyways, I guess that is enough for now. I hope you all are having a great weekend.


hugs,
Marilyn  

Sad

My stupid laptop is giving me a hard time and broke on me:( So I have a good two minutes to write this at work.
 I am so pissed. I am not able to coherently communicate how sad I am right now. I am not pregnant, nor can I afford an IVF  $30, ooo. Who has that in their back pocket right!? Still can't cry though..need to leave work in about an hour and then I am going to cry my eyes out!!! Everyday I hear someone else is pregnant. Today I found out a friend is pregnant. Two days ago  facebook friend said she was. I really can not handle this!! sick to my stomach...really

okay...I am not sure all the reasons that are making me so lunatic and upset. I get a call from my mom telling me..are you alone? Can we talk? I say did someone get hurt? she says  no.._______ is Pregnant. It was like she was telling me someone died. There are so many reasons why I think she told me like that. But in the middle she says oh..your sister in law is calling let me call you back.  She then calls me and tells _________ law asked her not to tell her. What the fuck. That makes me so angry. I really can not control myself right now.  Remember when Halle berry won her Oscar..that is me right now..but I am holding it all in. I am really upset. That is just what I keep on hearing in my head. This is not fair. This is not fair! I hate being a jeolous person..but...everyone is getting pregnant around me. every day on facebook someone is getting pregnant, my friends are telling me they are pregnant, my cousins, and now my ______ law. They were not even trying!!!
I really need someone to yell at or slap me to wake up! But this is a fucking nightmare!!!

My first AWARD!!!

I am so excited!!! My first award. Thank you Kim for handing me the award...I do not know how stylish I am..but I will take it. lol  Since I am going through such a hard time  with infertility...this just brightens my world!!:) And the greatest part of this is I get to give awards out too.  

Here are the rules for the acceptance of the award:
1. Thank and link back to the person who awarded you the award.
2. Share 7 things about yourself.
3. Award 15 other bloggers.
4. Contact these bloggers and tell them about the award.

oh and 
5) copy and paste picture and gloat about your award on your blog!


Only 7..hmmm hahaha


1) When I turned 21, I achieved a promise I made to myself a year prior: to walk a marathon. I did in Hawaii and I  made it to the finish line. It was one of my favorite memories, training with team in training and meeting so many great people. 


2) I traveled to Israel when I was sixteen. It was another great adventure. so many great people I met and such great history to be seen. 


3) a silly thing..hmm..my favorite guilty pleasure is watching the reality show big brother. I get so hooked. It is on after dark every night and three times a week during the summer. I just love the psychology behind it. It is just about the best reality show!


4) I had a dalmation while growing up. She was my best friend. We used to go to the beach and have picnics. I would bring pretzels and cheese. And in another bag would be lots of good cookies for her. And then we would stop and get ice cream for both of us. I loved her so much. My boyfriend would get jealous! He said I loved her more than him. It is probably true! lol..no...I loved them equally!


5) I am extremely giggly! I have the worst giggle fits. Normally if I am in a good mood, I will probably have everyone giggling or singing. Good times. 


6)  I have a Psychology background. I have a B.A. in Psychology and went to grad school for a master's in counseling..let's just say...did not proceed in that area...that story is for another post.


7) I love black licorice! Have you ever tried black licorice gum and ice cream. So delish!!


oh here are the awards..I really can't just pick 15...






http://www.sweetlifewithlizzi.com/
http://clewis-babyonmymind.blogspot.com/  
http://christasbabyquest.blogspot.com/
http://manyadventuresofalex.blogspot.com/.
http://macandpccache.blogspot.com/
http://doihavetobeadink.blogspot.com/
http://mutemockingbird.wordpress.com/
http://www.stirrup-queens.com
http://adventuresininfertilityland.blogspot.com
http://fertilitychick.blogspot.com
http://www.afever.com/
http://wifetothenavylife.blogspot.com
http://horriblehormones.blogspot.com
http://infertilitydoula.blogspot.com
http://ambivalentwomb.blogspot.com
http://www.eatpraylovelive.com
http://mommyfromivf.blogspot.com
http://lovemarriagewheresthebabycarriage.blogspot.com
http://roadlesstraveledblog.blogspot.com
http://therockyroadtomotherhood.blogspot.com
http://try-try-again1.blogspot.com
http://ababybumpjourney.blogspot.com
http://www.whitneyanderick.com
http://marriedwithendo.blogspot.com/
http://storm-in-my-teacup.blogspot.com/
http://runnyyolk.wordpress.com/


I think I went over...oops:). But these blogs have made my blogging experience  so rich and meaningful. I am
sure I am missing a few..but theseblogs have brought me to tears and laughter, helped ignite the fire in me and helped me see the light when I was far down in the dumps.

friends are great:)

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