Fainted!! Graham Crackers Didn't Work

Yes, I fainted. I was doing so awesome. I fainted this morning when my blood was drawn. I know why the fainting happens. I do not feel like I have control. But, really it actually hurt. I got my blood taken at 7:30 am in the same place I got it drawn 5 days ago. And I have to go get it drawn in two days again. I hope they use another vein on my other arm next time. The nurse said she may have hit a nerve. I am not sure, all I know is it burned when she put the needle in and two hours later it still burned all around the area. I just feel really emotionally and physically drained when I faint. I am tired and worn out from crying. I was mainly crying because at this moment, I just feel out of control. I have these thoughts, like, how much more can I handle. I question my own strength. I want to be strong for myself, my husband and the child we are working so hard for, but there are moments during this IVF process where it is very irritating and slightly painful.  

I wish I had more to say, more inspiring cheerful thoughts..but right now I am just not happy. I just wish, I could fast forward. I have to remind myself to be grateful. I am grateful for the medicine that I have been taking because it is helping me create a dream of mine. This medicine that I am taking is creating the possibility of making a baby. I have to keep my eye on the prize. I am trying to make a baby.

I am pretty aware of the medicine..there are twinges and burning sensations in my lower abdomen and lower back. My boobs have grown a little as well. That is strange. My husband seems to be curious as well. I have also been crying a lot. I think it is the hormones, because I will just cry all of a sudden, and it is not just a little cry..it is going on for a while with lots of Alligator tears. And then all of sudden, done, no more crying. I don't think crying is a bad thing. It really is a soothing thing for me and I feel better after I cry. it is a release.

Also, I have been really paranoid about the whole Ovarian twisting. So, I have had my husband bring in all the groceries and I am walking really slow. My brother asked me to baby sit his 14 month little girl. I so want to, but I do not want to run and pick her up. I wonder if I am being too neurotic. I just do not want to take any chances. I love being independent, and spending time with my Niece, but I have to think about myself right now.

I wonder if any of you have had this dilemma?

Three shots!!! did it!!

I gave myself three shots last night! It was not that bad. really!! I am so happy! I tell you...this is such a rollercoaster of nerves and emotions.

IVF IS A CRAZY ROLLERCOASTER RIDE!!!!

the three shots were gonal f pen= so easy I thought..what happened? no burning?
                               monepur mix= little burn
                               Luperon= no pain..no sting

So, if I were to let any IVF newbies know about the shots, the pen is really great! No pain!!! Three shots is really not that bad.


Side effects:
Yesterday I felt really bloated. I had a head ache through out the day.  I just felt a little drained and weepy. My poor friends and neighbor. Not only am I feeling scared with this IVF rollercoaster but, the tests came back for my cat and he has Toxoplasmosis in his feces.

Toxoplasmosis can effect the fetus 10-15% creating miscarriage, mental retardation, fluid in the brain, blindness.and more.

I have decided to find a home for my cat. We have a small one bedroom and Ozzy my cat just leaves litter where ever he roams. he has always been kind of messy that way. We tried to potty train him on the toilet, but that failed. he ended up too scared and pooing on our clothes. A few memories i would like to erase from my mind. I knew we would have to find a home for him eventually because he is not good with not scratching and biting, but I had no idea it would be this soon with the taxoplasmosis. I just can not take any chances. My husband was born with a few deformities with his arm, and I have seen pictures and heard from him and his family how hard it all was. I can not bare to go through that pain or put my baby in that kind of pain. I would not be able to live with myself.  But I have one week. This completely thoroughly has thrown me off my rocker. I am crying a lot and anyone that asks me how I am doing. I start crying hysterically and tell them what I am going through..I tell them everything! My poor neighbor...she had no idea what was going to hit her when she said good morning, how are you and your cat?

So, I have posted cute pictures of my cat and have even offered to help with cat food and litter if needs be. I just need to find a warm and loving home for my cat.

Here is the problem, he gets too excited so he can not be around other animals or small children. And he is an indoor cat. This makes it very hard. I am not going to just put him outside and feed him when he comes around. There are dogs and cats in the neighborhood that can harm him. And I live by a very busy street, so I do not want him to be hit by a car. I got my very first call today. he is coming to meet Ozzy at 2pm...3 hours! I hope Ozzy acts nice and calm. He normally does not when he meets new people. I am so nervous. wish us luck!


HERE IS THE FLYER:

My name is 

Ouch!

First off: ouch!

I took the Lupron and the stim shot of two vials of gonal-f and menupor shot. The Lupron shot was hard. I had a hard time getting it in. And then I got scared waiting for the next shot. That one really burned. I am not sure..if it was shock or nerves, but I got it in and then once it came out I just started crying. You know..just a warning to all you newbies or future IVFers, it was really not that painful. I think it was just my nerves. There was a lot more liquid than I was used to and well..it was a bit scary shooting one more needle. And tomorrow and Sunday I have to do three. So bare with me..I am sure tomorrow will be a really long vent. I just feel even worse because I looked in my lupron kit and there are only two more needles. This is crazy because why would they order a 2 week kit when this is obviously not just two weeks. and of course it is Friday night, I can't reach anyone. I am not sure, but no one answers the phone after five and on the weekends. Not even the company where I ordered my meds from. I am really concerned what to do. I have a blood test first thing 7:30am Monday morning, so hopefully someone at the clinic can give me some needles or give me some assistance. So..I am going to make this post short and go meditate. I hope it calms me. It has been a tough night. I hope you all have had a better night than me and have  great weekend.  

but even though tonight really sucked: today was a great day. I spent a wonderful day with my favorite Niece and mom, shopping, eating ice cream, playing, smelling flowers. it was just such a fun day. Lots of good memories to erase this scary evening.

Baseline Ultrasound: Check

Survived the baseline Ultrasound and now I am just waiting for my estrogen blood test. Yesterday was a big day. I was really nervous for a few reasons. The first was the blood test. I can't tell you how many times I have fainted when I have gone to get my blood tested for my hypothyroidism. Just recently the last few times at my hmo( Kaiser) I found this one women who does it quickly and makes me laugh. So, no fainting. But  since I found out I will not be going to her for my IVF process, but to the UCSF for blood draws, I have been real nervous. I worry no longer!!! I guess since I have been getting myself acquainted with needles with the Lupron, this was so easy. I still did not look,but it went by within seconds and I had no fear. I can't tell you how happy I am to be getting over such a phobia of mine.

Back story of my fear. I actually have a pretty bad history of fainting. When I was about three, my mom ran and tripped over a coffee table to protect my older brother. And in doing that her knee cracked open and when she picked up my brother, she looked down at her knee which was gushing with blood, and my face was right there next to her knee. She looked over at me, my face went white, I went to scream and nothing came came out. Since then, whenever I have fallen or hurt myself I panic and in my head I see blood and fear overcomes me and I faint. Over the years it got really bad. Simple things like blood tests, sprained wrists, ankles, if I fell down: boom I would faint. One time I fainted when I had a horrible menstrual cramp. I recently fainted at my saline sonogram. This has been a stressful event because if I plan on having a child, the labor is nothing compared to anything I have ever felt before.

But I am happy to say, with exposing myself to the needles with Lupron, I showed no fear with the needles when I got my blood taken and the mock transfer went smooth even when they touched the top of my cervix. I was sure I would have have fainted if I did not meditate earlier in the day and did deep breathing. I have come so far, and I am going to celebrate this victory!!  OH and no cysts. That is a great thing to hear. during my ultrasound, two doctors(women) came in. Seriously, they went so fast, my husband and i were trying so hard to keep up. It was really just ridiculous. I was just so happy I survived the pushing and violating of my ovaries and cervix, I was too happy to be annoyed that they were talking at the same time and oh did I forget that they put in the catheter that was way too hot to be put into my uterus. I screamed and and almost swore. The women(intern) said woops! lol anyways..they went in when it was cooler and everything went in fine. it was not painful at all. It did feel not so good when they touched the top of my unterus. But it was over in a second.

I went home, relaxed. I felt almost sedated. I then had pretty bad cramps. Yes...it was AF!! Ahhh...everything is coming along. I am going to soon see that BFP!!!

PETA removes infertility link from vasectomy contest | Weird | News | Toronto Sun

PETA removes infertility link from vasectomy contest | Weird | News | Toronto Sun

Yay to Our Community speaking out!!!

No More Birth Control Pills

Good Morning Bloggers,
  I hope you all are having a good weekend. Yesterday was my last day of Birth Control Pills. I feel somewhat relieved, one last thing to jump at from my alarms of shots and pills to take. I have officially deleted on all future events on my phone's calendar.

As for the Lupron side effects: I guess it was just the one time deal with the itching when I injected it. It has not hurt or anything. A couple days ago I had a scare and thought I had a  bladder infection. I was so upset, rushing to the lab and demanding I have to pee in a cup right away. It turned out it was nothing. I guess the pulling in my lower abdomen had to do with the shots, and the constant feeling of having to pee was well..obviously because I am drinking overboard to fix the digestion problem.

Thank you Miss MAC for advising Mirolax. it has been very helpful. I have also upped my glasses of water.  I have not had any more hot flashes, just real irritation. My poor staff and husband. I guess what they have been telling me is that I seem very irritated and short. Negative energy is how they explain it. I have to say that irritates me. Actually, I have to admit everything is irritating me. I think some of you have expressed this feeling. But what I want is to be calm, grateful to be getting a chance to make a baby and happy and peaceful. Right now, I am having a hard time getting in that space.

I just feel all sorts of anxiousness. Not all the time, but here are a few of my concerns:
1) next Friday  is my ultrasound baseline...they say they are looking for Cysts. CYSTS!
2) I fear the Lupron is not doing it's job completely. This is not rational. Just fear.
3) I fear the IM shots for the trigger and for the 9 and 1/2 weeks after I get my BFP
4) I fear what kind of reaction I may get from the stimm hormones..I am already losing it just on the Lupron
5) 50 % chance for IVf to be successful..enough said
6) One embryo or two?
7) Will my husband be able to perform on the big day!
8) my cat scratches and bites...I think I have to find a home for him..this will be hard. And then the cat litter is bad for the fetus..we have been trying to potty train him on the toilet..this has not been successful:(
9) just an overall feeling of OH Shit!
 well that is about it. I think this list is long enough.  Too long in my opinion. I need to just take deep breathes.
This is my little fantasy:
to be at some beach cabin in the summer. Me and my favorite people. A couple of weeks of relaxing and reading books. Walks on the beach and eating all my favorite foods. Oh..I wish this could happen. a little mini vacation.

Well...I hope you all check out my necklace slide show. :)

Hugs

6 days of my Lupron beaded Injection Necklace

More Fun Lupron Side effects

Good Morning!!
 I have more side effects to share with all of you. Well...last night when I did my injection, I left the bathroom and right away with a burning sensation. And then itchy. Itchy like never before. Then the area became red and I could not stop itching it. That was not fun. Hot, red, itching, injections. I hope this does not happen tonight. Any ideas from any of you experts? I am going to get some products for my digestion, and mainly drink a ton of water today. I hope this will help. Every night since the injection I wake up at exactly 2am. I go to bed at 10:30 -11pm so, I get up after about 3 hours. Since that has been happening my dreams have been very vivid. I am having all sorts of interesting dreams. The other night I had a dream with horses, and I was back in school.  I normally can wake up from a dream and understand why I had it and learn from it, but these dreams make no sense. They are just random, at least that is what I have taken from them.

at this time, I am just pooped. I am so tired it is kind of funny. Remember those first few slumber parties as a kid and you stayed up all night. it was so much fun running around and giggling to the early morning, but that next day you were really cranky and tired. Well..this is the feeling alright.

What I am craving:

Lupron Side effects

I am a freaking pro at giving myself needles. I am so proud of myself. Seriously I have fainted many times when I get my blood drawn. But now after I have my husband get the needle ready for me, I grab the needle and give it to myself!!! Yay me!!! The first night I got a little dizzy. And the place where I injected felt a little itchy. Both nights I did it,  I left the bathroom right away and then sat on my couch with disbelief. My husband is always the one to remind me that I did a great job and that I get to pick a bead for my necklace. I really do get excited then. He then reminds me as we go get into the kitchen and get tea, that I did a great job and he is proud of me:) I really appreciate him  cheering me on. And my mom went with me the other day to get the beads and she has been so supportive.

Yesterday was the first day that I did my first injection of Lupron. I wonder if this is in my head, but I was so tired. I mean dead tired. Real spacey lathargic. I had a mini headache throughout the day. It wasn't very painful, but just kind of a weak little throbbing throughout the day. It was a hot day, so I am not sure if I had hot flashes. I baby sat my niece with my mom yesterday. My niece was so adorable. We brought her to the baby park for the second time. I have to admit, she was so adorable in the sand box. I really think she is going to  be a very smart girl. Did I mention she is an IVF baby? Well, she is a very outgoing silly girl. She is always laughing and saying hello( and hola) to everyone. She is becoming trilingual by the way. Her mom is Chinese and her nanny is Spanish. Anyways, I just had to brag about how my Niece is very determined. When she gets into something,, she get a serious face and has to finish. She is great and I love her to death!!

Anyways, while I was playing with my brilliant Niece  in the park, I looked around and there were all mothers standing together talking about their kids and they all looked so proud and happy. I could understand their happiness, I get a little glimpse of how great it can be every week with my Niece. It kind of knocked the wind out of me, and I felt very uncomfortable. It was a feeling of envy at the pit of my stomach. But I went with it and it was fine and we eventually left to get some lunch. Through out that time, I think I was getting hot flashes. I really was not sure though. It was not until later in the day with my friend that I truly believe I got a hot flash. We were in target and all of a sudden my body got really hot. I took off my sweatshirt and my friend said "oh my god"! I said "what"?  She said "your chest and face are bright red."  Well, I think I had a hot flash.
Great...I am 33 and I am feeling menopause!! Oh well.

Other side effects. I have been feeling very emotional. I will cry very easily. You know, I am not sure if this is a real side effect of the Lupron either. I am pmsing, I went to the Park and saw all the happy mothers, and well it is sad being the only one who isn't a mom. I try not to be oh poor me, but when I have become a pin cushion, I think I have the right to be upset sometimes. But overall I am excited that all this is hopefully going to make a baby. There is a 50% chance of it at least. Right?

Sleep insomnia. I have no problem going to sleep. Especially since it has been officially today a whole week since I quit coffee. By 10:30pm my eyes are closed and anyone who trys to stop me is very much a victim of my wrath! But the last two nights since I have taken the Lupron, I go to sleep at 10:30 but at 2:30 I wake up very hot and have a hard time going back to sleep. I guess this is the night sweats. It's a pain because I feel really tired in the morning and the rest of the day. Also I have been having lots of anxiety dreams. And the last side effect and it may be TMI but I will just say I guess I will be buying prune juice for me. Not fun! Okay...I will fill you in for the fun side effects I will feel as my day progresses. I am sure tired will be a main one.
But here is to us IVF strong women who are determined to have our babies!!!

Hugs

Just Another Day

 Thank you all for calming me about my spotting scare. I am a little jumpy right now:( I have been such  a spaz lately.  I feel like I need to just calm down and breathe. I will get there...I hope. I loved something my husband shared with me tonight. He said, "we do not own anything in this world, we are just caretakers". This is why I love my husband. He always has a way of putting things into perspective. I sometimes get so caught up and I lose track of things. I basically forget to take care of myself, my car, just about everything. I get so caught up in owning this thing or that thing that I do not take care of the things right in front of me. This is a life lesson I really need to get a hold of. I do appreciate all the things that are given to me, but sometimes, I get caught up in too many things, that I am not 100% with anything.
Things I need to get  back on track with:
1) I need to clean my car inside and out
2) a major spring cleaning is needed( drawers, closets, storage area)
3) I little time with my Dad- I have not spent any time with him. I would love to just  talk with him
4) I have not been exercising very much. It really is spontaneous and not scheduled.
5) I need to create a spreadsheet for my finances- this one scares me the most


Saturday I worked all day. It was such a slow day, from 11am to 3 and then everything changed. I can tell you honestly about 15 children came into my store and three pregnant women. Really!!! In one day...there had to be that many children and pregnant couples come in. And the day before..I must have seen 40 kids. I was working at one of my stores where there is an Ice cream store next door and it was finally over 80 degrees in Northern California so everybody came out. Anyways, lots of kids are coming out of the wood works!! So I am in the store and the first couple came in with their 2 year old. This adorable boy was very behaved...until his parents started ignoring him. I manage a few furniture stores and if any of you have ever worked in a furniture store you can understand what happens when a certain kind of parent brings their children into your store. They think that since there are a few salesman, they can spend 2, 3 and sometimes 4 hours just relaxing on your furniture as their kids create chaos in your store.

I knew it was going to go down as soon as the little adorable kid turned into a monster as he played bongos on our glass tables. The parents did nothing. I got very irritated for a minute, and then decided to take over...because the parents were doing nothing! I started playing peekaboo, marching around, brought out some toys and got real creative with some candles we had in the back of the showroom. I was sweating, but it was working. He was eating it up! I felt somewhat satisfied. But a little sadness came over me. This is not my child. Will I ever be able to have a child. I would just love to have my child call me momma and run to me and be needed.
Okay...those feeling quickly went away when another customer came in and I brought adorable 2 year old to his parents.  As I was talking to the nice gentleman who had a sweet face and a patient way about him, another father came in with his very energetic 4 year old. As I was talking business with the patient customer, the little girl looked very determined as she walked straight over to me and introduced herself as Laura and that she liked rainbows. Well, how could I possibly ignore such an interesting subject and asked if I could be right back with the patient man and brought the little girl over to the adorable 2 year old who was starting to jump on the furniture because again the parents were ignoring him. I introduced the two and they instantly became best friends. I was able to talk with the nice gentleman, but what I noticed was three more families came in, as well as a pregnant lady, her husband and her 6 year old little girl who had on about 8 different layers of clothes, which all happened to be blue. Her mother told me later that today was national autism day and we were supposed to wear blue. I had on blue earrings, so I was covered.

Well, this story could go one, but let me just give you a little visual. I had to step back a few times and just get myself a glass of water as I stared with shock through out my store. I had children in every corner running around giggling, parents shouting don't touch that, and couples everywhere lying down on couches as their kids were jumping, running, hiding, and, just enjoying themselves. It was nice to watch. Exhausting, but nice to witness. I thought to myself how I envied this everyday chaos.  Well, that is just a day in the life of a crazy infertile sales manager.

I hope you all are having a great weekend. Tomorrow I am getting the beads for my injection necklace. I am so excited. If any of you want to do this with me, it should be fun:)

hugs

Kind of stressing

Okay..I hate to stress. My period is so strange. I have one more week until my period is supposed to start and I am spotting. I normally spot about 5 days before my period actually happens, but I am confused. I thought that since I am on BCP my period would be controlled by my medication. Now, I am just worried because will this off set all my medication. I am supposed to start my Lupron on Monday. I am thinking worst case scenario: basically I have to wait another month. I am not sure. Have any of you gone through something like this? Please tell me you have...because I may start to cry:(
Well, I guess now I just wait until Monday to talk to my doctor's assistant.

I am ready!

I am so ready for these needle injections now!! I am more than excited! I went to the injection class and I left singing kumbaya!!! I only sing this when I am really happy! AND I AM!  It was a two hour class and the woman who led the class was very humorous and informative.We practiced all the different needles(pen...mixing, powders, and IM injections) watched a movie...and then she said we were going to practice injecting ourselves. That's when my husband said my face turned white. I had no idea about the colors my face was turning, but my stomach was doing was crazy acrobatics! It was getting ridiculous. But..within time I was laughing and giggling with my husband as I completely had no idea what I was doing with the needles. He was a pro, except for the one moment he accidentally squirted his neighbor with his needle. OOOPS!! We were giggling in the corner...it brought us back to high school! We were always almost separated from the teacher.:)

Then it was time to inject ourselves. Thetan said he was worried I was going to faint. I do that at times with needles and such. I am kind of a wuss. Well, the fact that I had been practicing with the needles for two hours and that the needle that i would be injecting myself with was much smaller than some of the mixing needles..it didn't really look that bad. And one other thing. I do not like to be naked in front of strangers. So with the motivation to hurry and get my clothes back on and to do well in front of the husband I did it! I was the first one done. I stuck myself and realized..this does not even hurt! Hurray! After I was done, with the help of my husband telling me what to do, I finished like a pro!! He looked shocked and proud!!  I started jumping  and laughing!! By the time I sat down I had looked and everyone was having their husbands do it and one women was crying. I became quiet  right away. My husband and I looked at each other and we realized as the instructor helped the women get over her fear that she was very scared, I felt really bad I had been jumping for joy. Eventually her husband did it and the look on her face showed it did not hurt and she would be okay.  That was great to watch!

Then the instructor got out her fake butts so we could practice IM injections! This part was just not fair. after I heared that with a BFP I have to have IM with Progesterone for 91/2 weeks I almost walked out!! And if I do not want to do that then I have to pay about $2000 for the vaginal inserts. HMMM? Money I just do not have. Well, it is all for the greater good of my future family. This is what I have to do to have my baby! Then this is what I will do!
Even if the terrible news of IM needles for almost three months after I get pregnant, it is all worth it!! I am so excited for Monday April 4th! My first real Lupron injection! Yayayayay

Oh, and by looking at my calendar, I will find out if I am pregnant by Mother's day!!! I am hoping it's a BFP!!

Hugs,
Marilyn

My Medicine is here!!

I received my box of medicine and needles last night!! I was so excited..but now..wow..reality is here! I have my first injection class tomorrow and an appointment with my doctor's assistant. Do any of you have any suggests for quests and such?

Beware!! A Virus!!

Beware of some website with Empowerher.com....do not go to this website...it will give your blog and computer a virus!!
I am so pissed..I got rid of it..but I do not know where it came from. I have checked and my blog is and computer is clean...I am so frazzled. Has anyone had this happen?

I am making a beaded necklace!

I am going to make a necklace. Yes..I am going to the bead store next week and I am going to make a special necklace. My mom called me this morning and...well..I had a little mini breakdown. Not too bad..just complaining about the needles that I had been reading about. I have been reading Melissa's
(the Stirrup Queen's book) NAVIGATING THE LAND OF IF.  She is a great advocate for all of us, but her book is even better. She  breaks down step by step with little helpful tips for each situation, whether it is emotionally, financially, or physically. I have learned a lot from her book. From the beginning of my Infertility Journey, each step it has come in handy. Now I am reading about the IVF process with the medication. I was in the middle of the Stirrup Queen's guide to injections. Okay..it sounded real daunting and then the phone rang. It was my mom. I was trying to keep it together but whenever I hear her warm affection voice, I become 4 and start crying( when things are tough). I am so grateful for having a supportive mom. She allows me to break down and then she knows exactly what to say to cheer me up. She lets me vent..and then puts it to me bluntly....."you will get through this, you are strong". I said, "yes..you are right". That is mainly what my blogging buddies said. She said how great it is that I have a support system and that I found you all. I agreed. she then came up with a great idea..and if you all want to do it with me..I would love that. Basically, get the number of days you will be injecting. Then go to the store and get string and the amount of beads you will be injecting. Put the beads in a bag that is not see through or maybe a sock! :)

Then every night you have an injection, afterwards, pull a bead out and put it on the string. It is like an award:)
I love this idea. At the end of your cycle, you will have  a beautiful necklace to remember all the hard work you did. It is kind of fun, rewarding, and therapeutic. I have searched bead stores in my area and there are some real authentic beautiful beads.

anyways, I hope you all are having a relaxing weekend:)
Hugs