THIS IS NOT THE TYPICAL QUESTION ABOUT PINK OR BLUE!!
I am talking about the dreaded LH pee tests
Pink(first response) or blue (clearblue)
let me get this out....I HATE CLEARBLUE.....WITH A PASSION!!!
It is so touchy. If you pee too much or too little, move it wrong..it shows nothing. I have wasted months with clearblue. And the strange thing is Kaiser- my health care facility refers it. I would love to hear other people's experience. Which do you prefer..PINK OR BLUE?
Sunday, December 12, 2010
THE BEST BLOG ABOUT INFERTILITY ISSUES
I am going to start giving credit where credit is do. I have been struggling with trying to conceive and now Jan 10th 2011 I will start my IVF hormone first appointment. When my husband and I first started trying to conceive ..and the challenges just kept adding up, I turned to the internet for help. There are so many great websites and blogs about ways to conceive, and people's stories. Out of all the websites, I found this website to be the best as for informative and it almost like it is an organized online book and resource for any issue imaginable while trying to conceive or going through any kind of reproductive challenge or procedure. Please check out this blog...I have found it to be my reproductive bible. There are funny stories as well. And there is a huge community.
Saturday, December 11, 2010
POEM OF HOPE
Don't Quit
Author believed to be Rev Wade Watts
When things go wrong, as they sometimes will,
When the road your trudging seems all uphill,
When the funds are low and the debts are high,
And you want to smile, but you have to sigh,
When care is pressing you down a bit
Rest if you must, but don't you quit.
Life is queer with its twists and its turns,
As everyone of us sometimes learns,
And many a failure turns about
When they might have won, had they stuck it out.
Don't give up though the pace seems slow,
You may succeed with another blow.
Often the struggler has given up
When he might have captured the victors cup;
And he learned too late when the night came down,
How close he was to the golden crown.
Success is failure turned inside out
The silver tint of the clouds of doubt
And you never can tell how close you are,
It may be near when it seems so far;
So stick to the fight when your hardest hit,
It's when things seem worst that you mustn't quit!
Author believed to be Rev Wade Watts
When things go wrong, as they sometimes will,
When the road your trudging seems all uphill,
When the funds are low and the debts are high,
And you want to smile, but you have to sigh,
When care is pressing you down a bit
Rest if you must, but don't you quit.
Life is queer with its twists and its turns,
As everyone of us sometimes learns,
And many a failure turns about
When they might have won, had they stuck it out.
Don't give up though the pace seems slow,
You may succeed with another blow.
Often the struggler has given up
When he might have captured the victors cup;
And he learned too late when the night came down,
How close he was to the golden crown.
Success is failure turned inside out
The silver tint of the clouds of doubt
And you never can tell how close you are,
It may be near when it seems so far;
So stick to the fight when your hardest hit,
It's when things seem worst that you mustn't quit!
Friday, December 10, 2010
Lisa Ling Talks About Her Miscarriage - The View
this issue of miscarriage and ivf is becoming more popular. The website Lisa LIng has created helps women unite and not feel alone with their secrets and pain.
www.secretsocietyofwomen.com
www.secretsocietyofwomen.com
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
Hugh Laurie - Maybe Baby (2000)
Finally!!! A movie about what I am going through!! It is also a view into the man's perspective as well. Very funny! and Sad. I did cry during this movie...but I also laughed a lot. It is crucial to find humor in time of crisis. It is the only way we survive.
Thursday, November 18, 2010
METFORMIN
Image via WikipediaMetformin is my new additional drug prescribed by my fertility doctor. By the scale- my doctor says I could be pre pre diabetic. I think that is a load of crap and I hate my doctor for prescribing me this diabetic diet pill that has given me gastro issues and sick to my stomach every time I eat. This has really not helped my mood lately. It has been one week and this is not fun. I have finally had energy to go to the gym..but the first week I was so nauseous. Do any of you take this drug? ANY ADVICE?
it is official! IVF it is!
Image via WikipediaIt has been 23 days since my last post about my infertility. I thought I needed a couple days. I guess I needed more. So much has happened and at the the same time..I am at a stand still at this point of where to go. This is what has happened. The fertility doctor said IVF with ICSI is the only solution. Basically, without getting into too much of the detail. It is assisted implanting the embryo with standard IVF. My eggs will go in a dish and my husband's sperm will be put into my egg. Voila! Embryos. I have been a real hot mess. I must say my friends and family have really been supportive. My mom has been there for me and my friends have been real patient. At the same time..I feel they do not completely understand what I am going through because most of them have kids. Let me warn you..if any of you are heading in this direction..I lost it. I am still not here completely. Let's just say I am one of those women whose hair is not completely together, I am forgetful, panicked, confused, and very high on edge. I can not keep a complete thought..and thanks to my iphone calendar I sometimes make my appointments. The last few weeks I have been very angry. My poor husband..he is a wreck with his own issues dealing with this mess..and he has to deal with my moment to moment attitudes. The first few weeks my friends would call me and I sounded depressed and on edge. I really didn't really want to talk to them. Now, I am getting my energy back..but I am still very much not connected with the rest of the world. It is as if I am in a bubble. I really wish if any of you are reading this- please post and help me feel as if I am not alone here. I would love to hear how the rest of you are dealing with this issue.Let me be completely honest. It has been very trying. The last couple weeks I cry a lot. Whenever I am driving to work or driving home- certain songs on the radio will bring me to tears. As for my facebook- I had to hide some of my cousins and friends pages- because certain things triggered my pain. For example- one pregnant facebook friend was complaining about her pregnancy. That is something that just bothers me right now. I am sure when I am pregnant- I will be feeling the same thing- but I get so annoyed and I would do anything to be pregnant and she is complaining. She has no idea how lucky she is. I have another cousin who just had a baby. Their baby is so adorable. I had to hide it because there are just some days that is it too hard to see. The love and shining light around the mother is too painful for me. The mother is just glowing with happiness. I want that so bad in my life. I get down on myself- so I just decided to go on their pages when I am feeling less sad.
Now as for finding an IVF center. That has been really hard. Who do I trust. There is a place where I live where there were two really bad situations. 1) the doctors implanted the embryo in the wrong woman!!!
and 2) the embryologists destroyed a patients left over eggs.
That really concerns me. And then on the news..almost everyday- a celebrity is announcing they are pregnant..and they all are saying after miscarriages. I fear I will spend 25,000- and then have a miscarriage. I worry..I worry too much. These are just a few of my worries. I find now- I am just going to enjoy the next couple of weeks with family and not think too much or stress. Thanksgiving is coming and I love this holiday. I have been really caught up in my sadness about being infertile..but I have still managed to enjoy the beauty of everything. I appreciate my friends, and the changing of the colors in the trees. I have gone on walks and stepped on crunchy leaves. I have watched the sunset. I have smiled and been smiled at from neighbors and friendly customers at work. I must remember that it is the little things that will bring me joy.
Monday, November 8, 2010
Friday, November 5, 2010
great video of IVF Process
even if you do not live near this facility- the breakdown of the IVF process in this video is so informative! Watch this video!
Anyone dealing with Ivf or IuI? This video is so helpful. Gives good info as for the emotional issues that come up for us..please watch this video
http://www.boston.com/video/viral_page/?/services/player/bcpid111121309001&bctid=221248241001
Click on the link above and hear from the first baby made through ivf!
Click on the link above and hear from the first baby made through ivf!
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
MY TRYING TO CONCEIVE JOURNEY
October 27th, 2010
it is official. Made an appointment with a fertility doctor. we are officially in the infertile percentile. I am not dealing with the facts very well. I am sitting around moping and not thinking straight. I am thinking 11,000 dollars. that is a lot of money. I am thinking hormones...running through my body, by a sharp needle. I have visions of fear, pain, and tears. Why me. Why now. What did I do to deserve this. I feel selfish for thinking poor me. There are other couples out there who do not have choices, and do not have insurance or money to see an open door to having their dream come true. I am full of emotions..but mostly I just sit and cry. I called my friends and family, but I have nothing to say. There is nothing to say. I am stunned by the fact that I am going through this. My fear has come true. I worry..will it ever happen. What if. I guess, what it comes down to is, I feel out of control. For the last 8 months, I have been peeing on sticks, working out like crazy, taking my medicine for my thyroid, drinking lots of water, taking prenatal vitamins that make me sick, praying to a fertility doll, charting my cycle, searching endlessly at pregnancy help sites, getting stressed and depressed everytime my period came. And now...when it come down to it, was it a waste. No matter what I did..it would not have done anything. I guess I am angry. I am sad, disappointed, and just numb. I probably need a couple more days to absorb it and work through my emotions. This is all new to me.
October 18th, 2010
it is official. Made an appointment with a fertility doctor. we are officially in the infertile percentile. I am not dealing with the facts very well. I am sitting around moping and not thinking straight. I am thinking 11,000 dollars. that is a lot of money. I am thinking hormones...running through my body, by a sharp needle. I have visions of fear, pain, and tears. Why me. Why now. What did I do to deserve this. I feel selfish for thinking poor me. There are other couples out there who do not have choices, and do not have insurance or money to see an open door to having their dream come true. I am full of emotions..but mostly I just sit and cry. I called my friends and family, but I have nothing to say. There is nothing to say. I am stunned by the fact that I am going through this. My fear has come true. I worry..will it ever happen. What if. I guess, what it comes down to is, I feel out of control. For the last 8 months, I have been peeing on sticks, working out like crazy, taking my medicine for my thyroid, drinking lots of water, taking prenatal vitamins that make me sick, praying to a fertility doll, charting my cycle, searching endlessly at pregnancy help sites, getting stressed and depressed everytime my period came. And now...when it come down to it, was it a waste. No matter what I did..it would not have done anything. I guess I am angry. I am sad, disappointed, and just numb. I probably need a couple more days to absorb it and work through my emotions. This is all new to me.
October 18th, 2010
Well- crying a little. More sullen than usual. Not a lot of words come to mind..I guess I will just post music videos..sometimes music is the best way to describe a feel..pain.
Brook Shields share's her struggle in,
Brooke Shields gets personal:“I thought it would be so easy to become a mom.”“After a while, when you’re not successful, you start to associate the word ‘failure’ every time you pee on a stick and it doesn’t come out the right color. What starts out as a dream becomes a project that’s all consuming — everywhere you look, women are pregnant, and every song on the radio seems like it’s all about being pregnant! It becomes a very frustrating, frightening place.”
October 17th 2010
11:44pm
I guess better luck next month. Damn it! :(OCTOBER Second Entry- 16th 2010
So before I post all the joyous pictures of Hawaii...I have to vent. After I vent there will be some really pretty pictures to admire. Well..it makes me feel better about venting to a computer and whoever wants to read it....
Today is day 26 of my cycle. Yes- the two week wait. I am going mad. I may have cried ten different times yesterday. I have read through four or five really good websites about how to conceive. Watched a few youtube vlogs about IVF. Of course I searched Guilianna and Bill. I really like their show. Even though it is so sad that she miscarried, it makes me like her even more. So many couples have had the same thing happened and now they have a voice.
Bottom line, I really should just stay away from the computer during the 2ww. I become a crying fool.
With that said- I will tell you a funny story that happened this month.
I am sure other couples have used many different techniques to become pregnant. My husband got super creative this month. He went to visit his mom in San Diego and brought back a gift for us. I open up the box and out popped a large, African wooden fertility goddess doll. I say "what is this?", he says "it is going to help us get pregnant."
I am shocked and a little freaked out. I say "okay honey". At least he is trying and I find it almost endearing.
The strange thing is, that night I got my period. This might not sound strange to you, but I got aunt flow right away. I have not had a healthy period like this in years.
Now I am inspired and feeling really optimistic. We are off to Hawaii two weeks later and have decided to bring the doll with us. It was quite a dilemma. Do we bring a fertility doll on the plane and have everyone look at us like we are crazy?
NO. We pack the baby doll in our suitcase and we go off to Hawaii.
The night we get there I set the doll on the nightstand, near the lamp and the four books I brought to read. TO be honest I only end upreading one.
I go to turn on the light to read in bed and it happens.
In slow motion I watch the doll fall from the slightest touch of one of my books.
at this moment I had two choices. Be calm, take a deep breath and just place the doll back where it was standing.
Or do what I did.
I screamed.. "OH NO!"
"Shit"
I panicked. I lost it even more when I saw that I had completely smashed the dolls right boob!
Did I mentioned the doll had pointy boobs? It also has rainbow earrings and ankle bracelets. Very cute I thought.
I grab the doll, and open the door to the living room where my husband, mom, and brother are relaxing. I look at my husband and I say "I broke the fertility doll". He just starts laughing hysterically. I do not find that helpful at all and I go into a complete dramatic act like in days of our lives. I could have won an award. My brother eventually came in a calmed me down. All was okay- but geez! I am super crazy right now.
Later that night I apologized to the doll.
So- that is my crazy story for this month. I guess the only thing I can do now is wait. and wait. and wait some more.
OCTOBER 4, 2010 First entry
Monday, October 4, 2010
Well- I have been fighting the urge to reveal my ttc journey on a blog, but I am going to give it a shot. I can always delete it ..right? Well- here is my trying to conceive story. I have been with my husband now for almost 16 years. We finally got married two years ago. July 27 was our two year anniversary. We started trying in April of 2010. So it has been 6 months. These have been the longest 6 months of my life. Each month we try so hard and the day I get my period...I get so let down. I have been an emotional wreck. I have tried all sorts of devices with no success. The funny thing about it all is almost every month something has gone wrong. From tooth infections, flu's, you name it. It has been so utterly frustrating. I really am fine until the day I get my period. It is so depressing that day. NO. That's a lie. The two week wait is so unbearable. If you come to my house during the two week wait, you can cut the tension with a knife. My poor husband, he has so much patience, but I can see him cracking a bit. It is not his fault, I am a lunatic who looks at him with crazy eyes. If he just looks wrong, that is it..I am the exorcist coming at him full force. Oh and the strangest thing has been ocurring the last few months. I see pregnant women. And babies. They are all over. Everyday at my work sometimes two or three pregnant women are coming in. I am driving, and they are walking on the sidewalk with their strollers. I turn the television on and every movie has to do with babies or the main character is pregnant. I can not tell you the lengths my husband and I have gone to reach the joys of parenthood. I have such a great family and friends who are so supportive. I even give credit to my facebook friends who have surprisingly been there every time I have vented my frustrations. I know and believe in the near future somehow I will get the chance to fulfill my biggest dream.
Sunday, October 24, 2010
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