Serendipity

Serendipity is the effect by which one accidentally stumbles upon something fortunate, especially while looking for something entirely unrelated. 


This happened to me today. I was so tired after I came home from work today. I have been spotting, and AF has let me know she is arriving, but is taking her time! I have been especially emotional today. A little more sensitive than normal. I am not angry or grumpy, just feeling like I need to recharge my battery after a two day nap. 


Well, I turned on my laptop and went onto facebook and realized my profile of a weird looking bird, was well..just too weird. so I went on google images to look up pictures to apply on my facebook profile. I went through a few different themes and finally decide on sleepy. I found this hilarious picture of Sleepy, one of the dwarfs. When I clicked on it to save on my computer, it loaded and on the top of the page it read, Our Road to IVF.  I was shocked! How did I find this blog, while clicking on one of the seven dwarfs. Whatever..I went with it..and started reading it. 


All of a sudden it was an hour later, and I was crying reading this couples beautiful story. Please check it out..it is such an inspirational story...


I also really liked the detailed way they went through each step. 


I found it so surprising that I found this website. it was a gift. an unexpected gift. 


Hugs,
Marilyn 

Joining the IVF sisterhood

So, it begins!

I am spotting. Yes. I just wrote that. But it is true. The spotting has begun, and soon, my Aunt Flow will be here. I will then take my birth control pills, and wait to get my cycle list of medication. I am so excited, I can hardly contain myself!! This will be my very first cycle.

Questions in  my head:
How long is a cycle?
Why did my doctor order one dispense and three refills of Desogen(birth control pills)?- does that mean it is three months? too long!

Well, I called my husband and everyone I know screaming with excitement that my period is coming. They all kind of giggled and went with it.

I have a little fear. The needles, the menopause reaction, the side effects. At this moment I feel like it is all worth it. I am sure I will be singing a different story in a few weeks. I am also concerned I will gain weight on the hormones. I guess, I will try to workout as much as I can during this cycle. This is my first cycle, I am really want to keep Positive and think baby thoughts through this time of babymaking!!!

THERE IS SO MUCH PRESSURE!!


I have been not blogging for a while. It has been a  few weeks. My family and I have been going through some pretty dramatic stuff. I am refocusing on creating my family, and they will have to go through the drama mainly by themselves. They can not always lean on me and make me the mediator. They will survive without me. I am not able to deal with the stressor...nor do I want to be part of it anymore anyways. I love my family, I really do, but sometimes I think, they like the drama.

I guess the last straw was when I was over at my mom's and my brother and his child(his 14 month old daughter) were there. I was playing with the child and later that night I gave her a bath. All through this time( a two hour period of time) my niece was saying daddy , daddy. And her dad( my brother) was ignoring her. I kept saying, you daughter wants you, she is calling your name. Well, after about the third time, with his daughter knocking at the bathroom door and my yelling out, your daughter is at the door...he came in yelling at me. He said, "stop telling me I need to spend time with my daughter. I am the parent I know how to raise my child. You do not have kids so you do not know. Until you have kids, don't tell me how to raise my child because you do not know what you are talking about".

Okay..no tears from me. I did not cry. I was furious. Burning mad!!! I drew the line..and not speaking or being around such devastating anger and drama. He is just a mean, selfish, rude person. I am ashamed he is my own brother. What Brother talks to their sister, knowing the pain and heartache this has been for me and my husband. The sad part for him is he also went through IVF with his wife and he does not even want to spend time with his daughter. Shocking!!!

But enough about the drama..it is over. I will still spend time with my niece, because she is just a bundle of Joy...but I am staying far far far away from my brother.

So..here I wait for Aunt Flow to come. Come quick!!! I can not wait!!!

Welcome IComLeavWe

Welcome all you IComLeavWe readers and loyal commenters. It is my favorite time of the month again. 
Thanks again to the Stirrups Queen for creating this great way to build support. So you can read my previous posts  below to get to know me. I am very excited to hear from new readers and to catch up with others that I have not heard from in a while. At this time, I am waiting one more month to start my first IVF process. I am anxiously awaiting the rigorous hormone torture. I think what I want to focus on this month is what our Government(USA...I am in California) is doing to help us in the IF community. I was reading this interesting article from one of my favorite bloggers, fertilityauthority. I never knew how much the government can control the future of the infertility research and health coverage. I would also like to know more about how to get better health coverage or at least begin the fight for the future of this community.


1) what has your experience been with getting health coverage for your infertility... In the USA or any where in the world?
2) Do any of you know about how we can participate in this fight to get our government to help us?
3) this article is a must from the Stirrup Queens blog.   Melissa brings up the fine line between  speaking up about infertility so the world is more aware that we are out there and that bringing up and conversing about the subject may help us with health care..but with that brings up many issues because we in return often become  the victims from insensitive and ignorant people. 

Gratitude

It has been awhile. I am using my husband's little netbook because my laptop died on me. I have been so empty without it. It has been so great being able to read and catch up on your blogs. And I have to say I am a little blogger shy..it has been so long since I have bared my soul with this community. Well, let's see. Where to begin. I just want to say to many of you who got a BFN this month, I was watching the new Karate Kid 2010 version.  I thought it was not so good, but one line from the movie made me think of all of you. Mr. Han, the kid's teacher say's to him:


"You have taught me very important lesson, Xiao Dre. Life will knock us down, but we can choose whether or not to stand back up. "


I don't know what happened but I started weeping. You all are so strong going through these procedures for months, and sometimes years!! YOU never give up! And some of you, have such grace about you. I am so proud to be part of this community.




As for you all with BFP!! Wow!! Congrats!! I am so happy for you..and you give me strength and hope!!


the latest with me:
I got my period this month. I actually thought for a couple days after I was a week late that maybe my husband and I made a baby!! I started going to that happy place. You know the relieved that the hormones and money was not a factor in starting a family.  Nope! That was short lived. My period arrived. I think I handled it pretty well. Only a few casualties. Oops. I can not help it. Well, I think everyone understands, I am on edge lately.  I am not doing the hormones yet:( I hope March will be my start to the hormone journey. It all depends if money is coming in. Unfortunetley money is a huge stress behind my IVF process. 


Besides the lack of IVF beginning, I think I am getting a little lost within it. I find myself stuck on what to say to friends and family when they ask me what is new with me. Besides the baby urgency and emptyness, I feel there is nothing else.  That makes me think, I may need to get  a life.  But the reality is that all my friends and family have kids or have just recently announced their pregnancy. HMM...and the other friends, we complain together that we are not pregnant and everyone is telling us they are pregnant. It is kind of funny. I am not sure why I laugh about it, but it is kind of hilarious!! I wonder if there is any comedians and funny movies about this.


Good things, a family relative who needed to get into rehab has finally checked in, way past due but better late than never!! I am nervous for this person, but I am keeping my fingers crossed that the seed is planted and this person gets some healing done quickly!


My health...I am going in to the lab to get my blood taken tomorrow. I am checking on my thyroid. I really hope it is around 1 so I can start the IVF process. I am also going to check if I am immune to toxoplasmosis. My cat was tested and he does have Taxosplasmosis. Which means, it is not good to be around his litter while I am pregnant. That makes me really nervous. 


My cat is a major stress for me regarding having him around me when I get pregnant. Not only when I am pregnant though. When the baby is born, I do not trust my cat. He is an indoor cat and he is the king of everything. He also has a temper all of a suddenly. Most of the time he is a lovebug and just wants to cuddle. But then, all of sudden, he bites...hard. I do not want him harming my child. I do not know what to do. I get so mad every time he bites me or scratches me. I love him though. He has been my baby for 9 fun years. He has been through so many hard times with me and my husband. I do not know, I guess one step at a time. 


Anyways, I guess that is enough for now. I hope you all are having a great weekend.


hugs,
Marilyn  

Sad

My stupid laptop is giving me a hard time and broke on me:( So I have a good two minutes to write this at work.
 I am so pissed. I am not able to coherently communicate how sad I am right now. I am not pregnant, nor can I afford an IVF  $30, ooo. Who has that in their back pocket right!? Still can't cry though..need to leave work in about an hour and then I am going to cry my eyes out!!! Everyday I hear someone else is pregnant. Today I found out a friend is pregnant. Two days ago  facebook friend said she was. I really can not handle this!! sick to my stomach...really

okay...I am not sure all the reasons that are making me so lunatic and upset. I get a call from my mom telling me..are you alone? Can we talk? I say did someone get hurt? she says  no.._______ is Pregnant. It was like she was telling me someone died. There are so many reasons why I think she told me like that. But in the middle she says oh..your sister in law is calling let me call you back.  She then calls me and tells _________ law asked her not to tell her. What the fuck. That makes me so angry. I really can not control myself right now.  Remember when Halle berry won her Oscar..that is me right now..but I am holding it all in. I am really upset. That is just what I keep on hearing in my head. This is not fair. This is not fair! I hate being a jeolous person..but...everyone is getting pregnant around me. every day on facebook someone is getting pregnant, my friends are telling me they are pregnant, my cousins, and now my ______ law. They were not even trying!!!
I really need someone to yell at or slap me to wake up! But this is a fucking nightmare!!!

My first AWARD!!!

I am so excited!!! My first award. Thank you Kim for handing me the award...I do not know how stylish I am..but I will take it. lol  Since I am going through such a hard time  with infertility...this just brightens my world!!:) And the greatest part of this is I get to give awards out too.  

Here are the rules for the acceptance of the award:
1. Thank and link back to the person who awarded you the award.
2. Share 7 things about yourself.
3. Award 15 other bloggers.
4. Contact these bloggers and tell them about the award.

oh and 
5) copy and paste picture and gloat about your award on your blog!


Only 7..hmmm hahaha


1) When I turned 21, I achieved a promise I made to myself a year prior: to walk a marathon. I did in Hawaii and I  made it to the finish line. It was one of my favorite memories, training with team in training and meeting so many great people. 


2) I traveled to Israel when I was sixteen. It was another great adventure. so many great people I met and such great history to be seen. 


3) a silly thing..hmm..my favorite guilty pleasure is watching the reality show big brother. I get so hooked. It is on after dark every night and three times a week during the summer. I just love the psychology behind it. It is just about the best reality show!


4) I had a dalmation while growing up. She was my best friend. We used to go to the beach and have picnics. I would bring pretzels and cheese. And in another bag would be lots of good cookies for her. And then we would stop and get ice cream for both of us. I loved her so much. My boyfriend would get jealous! He said I loved her more than him. It is probably true! lol..no...I loved them equally!


5) I am extremely giggly! I have the worst giggle fits. Normally if I am in a good mood, I will probably have everyone giggling or singing. Good times. 


6)  I have a Psychology background. I have a B.A. in Psychology and went to grad school for a master's in counseling..let's just say...did not proceed in that area...that story is for another post.


7) I love black licorice! Have you ever tried black licorice gum and ice cream. So delish!!


oh here are the awards..I really can't just pick 15...






http://www.sweetlifewithlizzi.com/
http://clewis-babyonmymind.blogspot.com/  
http://christasbabyquest.blogspot.com/
http://manyadventuresofalex.blogspot.com/.
http://macandpccache.blogspot.com/
http://doihavetobeadink.blogspot.com/
http://mutemockingbird.wordpress.com/
http://www.stirrup-queens.com
http://adventuresininfertilityland.blogspot.com
http://fertilitychick.blogspot.com
http://www.afever.com/
http://wifetothenavylife.blogspot.com
http://horriblehormones.blogspot.com
http://infertilitydoula.blogspot.com
http://ambivalentwomb.blogspot.com
http://www.eatpraylovelive.com
http://mommyfromivf.blogspot.com
http://lovemarriagewheresthebabycarriage.blogspot.com
http://roadlesstraveledblog.blogspot.com
http://therockyroadtomotherhood.blogspot.com
http://try-try-again1.blogspot.com
http://ababybumpjourney.blogspot.com
http://www.whitneyanderick.com
http://marriedwithendo.blogspot.com/
http://storm-in-my-teacup.blogspot.com/
http://runnyyolk.wordpress.com/


I think I went over...oops:). But these blogs have made my blogging experience  so rich and meaningful. I am
sure I am missing a few..but theseblogs have brought me to tears and laughter, helped ignite the fire in me and helped me see the light when I was far down in the dumps.

friends are great:)

So cute

For beginner cooks!

This is the coolest youtube subscription. If  you are not a regular martha stewart and want to learn how to cook..this is the best place! Check it out:)

cutest commercial

I actually remember my dream last night

I had a dream last night....I think my dream was trying to tell me something. I was running around, lost and confused..rushing around. I was with my friend and my husband. We were running late for a lunch reservation. We were running through halls with so many door to go through. We couldn't figure out where are table was. The hallway was long and very industrial. The doors were made of bamboo. Finally we found the  room, we walked in and, like most of my dreams, it changes themes within seconds. We were doing yoga with a group of about 15.  We slowed down and I felt at peace. My friend was there with me and my husband and we were so focused on the stretches. I do not remember much more from the dream, but I woke up relaxed. I am not a very good dream interpreter, but one thing I know is you can learn so much from a dream with the emotion you have when you wake up. I know the dream was telling me I have to slow down, and take the time to listen to what I need.

I needed this dream, I have been working overtime lately. I worked 7 days straight without a break, and finally today I got a break.  And I checked out...watched the view and all my favorite episodes of Oprah. Smiles..:) I am so happy. Did a little laundry and now as I blog, I have a beef stew cooking on the stove.  Okay..the honest truth...I cut the vegetables and my renaissance of a husband is really tending to our beef stew. I will blog about how I do not cook very well on my other blog! lol

So I will end this blog post with what is going on with me in the whole infertility situation. As of last week..I am going to be stalled one more month. I am very very...(did I say very) distraught about this. Bottom line..it is about the financial sum. it is so much..and well...I do not have it right now. It hopefully will be next month. I really want it to be..but this is got to be teaching me something right? I think it is patience. At least that is what I have to tell myself. There really is no other choice.

So..the negative thoughts I have in  my head:  I am being left behind..I am still not able to get into the mommies club. AHHHH!!!

lesson: patience..this gives me time to take care of my health and focus on yoga and writing..being creative.

At this moment I am fine. We will see where I am tomorrow.
Hugs to you all and I hope you all are doing good.
Sending positive vibes to all of you:)

New blogging friends!

I am so thrilled  reading my blog comments:) Thank you Melissa, the Stirrup Queen, for creating this community of support. I am so excited to start reading all these new blogs from my new commenters. I am so excited to follow my regular bloggers who are now getting so close to their BFP.  One blog I am really excited to read is,
 http://jjiraffe.wordpress.com- 
It is a blog about finding the joy everyday. That got me motivated to find the joy in my life as well. The year 2010 was so hard with my infertility journey. I feel and have felt so out of control, that when I went to las Vegas, I realized how stressed out I have been. I really needed this time away from everything. I was working, but I was away from the internet, my home( all the fertility dolls, the papers of bills and appointment to doctors, and just out of my environment) It felt really freeing. I was so distracted with work, I rarely thought about how I am infertile, except for the time when  I would see pregnant women walking by, or hear my mom talk about how happy she is that she is a grandmother( with my brother's little girl)...to every..body!! But anyways...I am starting a new blog  that is child free! I am a little hesitant about saying child-free because I do not want it to sound rude or that I do not want women who are mothers there. I just want a place..a community to go to that is not about children or infertility as well. I want to emphasize that I love my niece and nephews, and I can not wait to brag about having children. I love seeing all my friend's children and I love this community as well. But I also want a place where I can be just me..and not worry about being triggered either way about  the inevitable shots I will have to take or feel jealous when I see all the beautiful bonding between mother and child! 


So, give me a little time...but I want to get to know all my knew followers and again, I appreciate all the comments and support. I am also very thrilled others like country:) 


Hugs!!:) I hope all of you who are in your 2ww are keeping busy and all of you who are going through the rollercoaster of pain and shots are taking special care of yourself. I am here for you...
I am also available through email: mariyamitr@gmail.com

Hello bloggers

After many doctor appointments, blood work, SA, Sonograms, biopsies, and of course, peeing on sticks, fertility dolls, trying and unsuccessfully meditating, praying, and finally finding the reason why my husband and I are not fertile, we are heading on our Journey with  IVF ICSI.  Here we go!! Hold on tight!!!

So here I wait for my next period to start..sometime February 10. I have never in my life been excited to get my period. But yes...I am counting down the days..19 more days. WOW! Writing that down just made it so much more real. breathing..give me a minute.!!

Okay..almost crying here..yep the tears are here! Damn it. This has been such a hard journey. I feel like I have been trying to keep my head afloat this whole time. I try not to be so dramatic, but this has been hard on me, on my relationship with my husband, with trying to keep professional at work, and painfully losing my control with my body in doctor's offices. Again, I have to give credit where credit is due. Thanks to this blog world. So many of you help me feel so not alone. Some of you...well a lot of you have given me strength.

I do not want to leave this post with just this.Ii want to say also that I have the most wonderful, patient husband. without him..I would be  even more of a hot mess. In 2010 we found out we were infertile. It was a tough year with lots of fights. But when we look back..yes..we will think of the hard times. But with the hard times, there were many good times, like our trip to Maui where we snorkeled and read our favorite books on the sandy beaches,and ate lots of pineapple and fish, and drank coconut pina colodas! We also went to Yosemite and South Lake Tahoe. So we had some really amazing times..but within that time..were so dark times. Through this challenge in our life..I am learning to find a balance in life. And I know I am learning and growing as a person through this hard situation. 

I look forward to commenting on many of your blogs and sharing my story with you. 

As the Stirrup Queen says, "Blogging is a conversation and comments should be honoured and encouraged. I like to say that comments are the new hug–a way of saying hello, giving comfort, leaving congratulations."

actually..I would love to know about you...so if you want please have fun answering some questions...


1) What is your story..do you have kids, still trying, what stage of Art(Assisted reproductive technology) are you in?


2) What is your blog about if you have one? and the name?


3) What are you doing to make yourself happy right now..hobbies, family, friends, tv shows?


4) What are you listening to in your car lately?

Need to vent

Since I am not on facebook anymore...I need to vent my daily struggles. I use to vent to facebook...I know..strange right? Anyhow..here goes. Kaiser..my hmo in California has really been driving me up the wazoo!!  As most of you  know, before you start IVF, there are a just about a billion blood tests that you have to be tested for. Well, for the last two to three months..I have been going into the lab to see my favorite phlebotomist Elena. Elena is great..in fact. I talk about her to all my friends like she is my friend. after I leave, I thank her and tell her how grateful I am to have found her. Before Elena, I would have the worst experience getting my blood drawn. They would miss my vein, or lose it as they were in..and so forth. I do not want to affect the faint of heart here. It is pretty gruesome what details I can reveal when it comes to my challenges with blood draws! But the vent I have today is the actually about people who organize the blood draws, before I see the phlebonomist. Bottom line, I found out yesterday, that I had to take the blood test twice because they were so unorganized. It got so bad..I called three different departments, and each one gave me different answers. I got so exhausted after the fifth hour of calling and having to fight to get some sort of conclusion and clarity..I had to call Memeber services. So, this morning, I get a call....and you can bet I had a mouthful to complain about. They said their sorries, and embarrassment how their staff are unorganized and clearly made more than one mistake. She then said that the whole lab department is in a meeting  about the problem and they are training the staff to do a better job. I am glad they are better equipping their staff, but I only wish I was not the one that had to take the brunt of their lack of training.

On another subject...friends. I have this friend. She has been my friend for 15 years. I am in so much pain about how our friendship has been lagging. The last three years it is full of bad situations and, jealousy, fights, silence, and bad vibes.  When is it time to say goodbye? 15 years is a long time to just call it quits. It is kind of like a marriage. I guess, when I read other blogs about their great friends, and growing old together and pushing their babies along side with their strollers, and when I read hallmark cards, ...I guess all the good times come rushing back. But really in reality, I do not respect her very much. I hate to say this, I feel guilty and mean saying it on a blog. But, she is so vain and all about money. I am just not that person. I am about family, friends, and just the simple things. If I call her, the first 20 minutes are just about her business and how she made this profit and how successful her husband and her are. Then she asks if I am pregnant. I say no..tell her some of the challenges I am having and then she says, gotta go. Is she really a friend anymore. NO. I can really say no. We have gone our own ways. We are living two very different paths. The only thing is, two people(friends) can live in different worlds and want and different dreams for different lives and still be friends..right? I guess I am a little lost without my best friend. The last time I wrote her a letter..stating my feelings, she got all defensive. we really haven't talked much. In November it was my birthday and she forgot it. She called three days later to  wish me a happy Thanksgiving and happy birthday. I said it was three days ago. She quickly defensively said well..I AM CALLING NOW...! Here is the reality, I have good friends that I love and cherish. I have three or four that I can call right now...and they know exactly what to say and they know every detail of my challenges and I know every detail of their life as well. We are all good friends and talk at least one a week about our feelings and so forth..we laugh, and know how to calm each other and make us laugh until we cry! I just really wish I had that kind of relationship with  my best friend. As you could tell, I feel very deeply about this subject and I am very torn and there are many facets to this difficult friendship. Have any of you been through something like this?

I am back

I am back..yes I have taken a little break from blogging. It has been a little rough for a while. I still feel like I am climbing up a mountain. Everyday so far has been a challenge. From blood tests, to fighting with my doctors for blood tests results, my husbands veins too small, getting money for IVF,  figuring out lots of things that are behind my knowledge. But I just want to say how appreciative and helpful your comments have been. I feel so blessed to have found this community. I do not know what I would do without you all. From the friends, moms,  moms to be, the experienced ones, the wise bloggers, the funny bloggers, the bloggers that are just about to go through their first, second, third, or even fourth cycle..or more, and the ones who have tried, lost, and then try again! You all..I admire you! Such strength and perseverance! I get so much strength from all of you.

A few things that are coming up for me. One of the blood tests showed my thyroid to be too high. I already take medicine for my hypothyroidism, but I guess it is not working. It is almost a 5..and UCSF wants it to be a 1. So I have been taking a higher dose for the last 5 days. I must say, I am much more chipper. I forgot how my thyroid level really does a number on my mood. I am much more relaxed. I am happy for that. As the number slowly goes to level one, I worry I will become too anxious. The number 1 for thyroid is pretty close to hyperthyroidism. We will see. Maybe it will help me lose a little more weight though.

Another issue is that I am depending on my mom to help me financially to pay for IVF. Lately, when we talk..it is not about feelings or how we are doing. It is about numbers and how much. I feel she has given me an attitude or a guilt trip. I know it is a lot of money..and I feel guilty that I am dependent on my mother to pay for such a hefty amount. But she offered, I took the offer..and now..the guilt is coming. But the guilt from me is already there..she has added to it with the attitude..like, " Thank you mom for helping me make a baby"
she says, yeah..aha..gotta go".  I do not know know about any of you, but that sounds like attitude, and now I feel like I owe her and have to apologize because whenever we talk , the subject comes up she says  it is really a lot of money. I tell her, fine, if it is creating a problem, then lets hold out or I can get a loan. The whole thing really makes me sad and sick to my stomach. I just wish I could do this naturally. I never thought making a baby would be putting my mom out financially. I feel so guilty.

On the upside, I am taking a break from Facebook. The whole facebook should be called babybook. It is really about everyone's babies! hahaha. That is at least what my husband says. he is so funny. I guess you had to be there. But haven't you noticed lately..at least for us 30 year olds. You go on facebook and everyone is showing their babies. I do love it..but only to a minimum. I am not judging them at all though..the babies are pretty cute. And you can betcha I am so going to show how cute my baby is once I get mine!!!

WELL...THAT IT IS FOR NOW...
looks like my next period in February around the 10th, I will starts the meds!!  I have never in my life looked forward to getting my period!! I am so excited to get my period!!!