I am a freaking pro at giving myself needles. I am so proud of myself. Seriously I have fainted many times when I get my blood drawn. But now after I have my husband get the needle ready for me, I grab the needle and give it to myself!!! Yay me!!! The first night I got a little dizzy. And the place where I injected felt a little itchy. Both nights I did it, I left the bathroom right away and then sat on my couch with disbelief. My husband is always the one to remind me that I did a great job and that I get to pick a bead for my necklace. I really do get excited then. He then reminds me as we go get into the kitchen and get tea, that I did a great job and he is proud of me:) I really appreciate him cheering me on. And my mom went with me the other day to get the beads and she has been so supportive.
Yesterday was the first day that I did my first injection of Lupron. I wonder if this is in my head, but I was so tired. I mean dead tired. Real spacey lathargic. I had a mini headache throughout the day. It wasn't very painful, but just kind of a weak little throbbing throughout the day. It was a hot day, so I am not sure if I had hot flashes. I baby sat my niece with my mom yesterday. My niece was so adorable. We brought her to the baby park for the second time. I have to admit, she was so adorable in the sand box. I really think she is going to be a very smart girl. Did I mention she is an IVF baby? Well, she is a very outgoing silly girl. She is always laughing and saying hello( and hola) to everyone. She is becoming trilingual by the way. Her mom is Chinese and her nanny is Spanish. Anyways, I just had to brag about how my Niece is very determined. When she gets into something,, she get a serious face and has to finish. She is great and I love her to death!!
Anyways, while I was playing with my brilliant Niece in the park, I looked around and there were all mothers standing together talking about their kids and they all looked so proud and happy. I could understand their happiness, I get a little glimpse of how great it can be every week with my Niece. It kind of knocked the wind out of me, and I felt very uncomfortable. It was a feeling of envy at the pit of my stomach. But I went with it and it was fine and we eventually left to get some lunch. Through out that time, I think I was getting hot flashes. I really was not sure though. It was not until later in the day with my friend that I truly believe I got a hot flash. We were in target and all of a sudden my body got really hot. I took off my sweatshirt and my friend said "oh my god"! I said "what"? She said "your chest and face are bright red." Well, I think I had a hot flash.
Great...I am 33 and I am feeling menopause!! Oh well.
Other side effects. I have been feeling very emotional. I will cry very easily. You know, I am not sure if this is a real side effect of the Lupron either. I am pmsing, I went to the Park and saw all the happy mothers, and well it is sad being the only one who isn't a mom. I try not to be oh poor me, but when I have become a pin cushion, I think I have the right to be upset sometimes. But overall I am excited that all this is hopefully going to make a baby. There is a 50% chance of it at least. Right?
Sleep insomnia. I have no problem going to sleep. Especially since it has been officially today a whole week since I quit coffee. By 10:30pm my eyes are closed and anyone who trys to stop me is very much a victim of my wrath! But the last two nights since I have taken the Lupron, I go to sleep at 10:30 but at 2:30 I wake up very hot and have a hard time going back to sleep. I guess this is the night sweats. It's a pain because I feel really tired in the morning and the rest of the day. Also I have been having lots of anxiety dreams. And the last side effect and it may be TMI but I will just say I guess I will be buying prune juice for me. Not fun! Okay...I will fill you in for the fun side effects I will feel as my day progresses. I am sure tired will be a main one.
But here is to us IVF strong women who are determined to have our babies!!!
Hugs
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
Saturday, April 2, 2011
Just Another Day
Thank you all for calming me about my spotting scare. I am a little jumpy right now:( I have been such a spaz lately. I feel like I need to just calm down and breathe. I will get there...I hope. I loved something my husband shared with me tonight. He said, "we do not own anything in this world, we are just caretakers". This is why I love my husband. He always has a way of putting things into perspective. I sometimes get so caught up and I lose track of things. I basically forget to take care of myself, my car, just about everything. I get so caught up in owning this thing or that thing that I do not take care of the things right in front of me. This is a life lesson I really need to get a hold of. I do appreciate all the things that are given to me, but sometimes, I get caught up in too many things, that I am not 100% with anything.
Things I need to get back on track with:
1) I need to clean my car inside and out
2) a major spring cleaning is needed( drawers, closets, storage area)
3) I little time with my Dad- I have not spent any time with him. I would love to just talk with him
4) I have not been exercising very much. It really is spontaneous and not scheduled.
5) I need to create a spreadsheet for my finances- this one scares me the most
Saturday I worked all day. It was such a slow day, from 11am to 3 and then everything changed. I can tell you honestly about 15 children came into my store and three pregnant women. Really!!! In one day...there had to be that many children and pregnant couples come in. And the day before..I must have seen 40 kids. I was working at one of my stores where there is an Ice cream store next door and it was finally over 80 degrees in Northern California so everybody came out. Anyways, lots of kids are coming out of the wood works!! So I am in the store and the first couple came in with their 2 year old. This adorable boy was very behaved...until his parents started ignoring him. I manage a few furniture stores and if any of you have ever worked in a furniture store you can understand what happens when a certain kind of parent brings their children into your store. They think that since there are a few salesman, they can spend 2, 3 and sometimes 4 hours just relaxing on your furniture as their kids create chaos in your store.
I knew it was going to go down as soon as the little adorable kid turned into a monster as he played bongos on our glass tables. The parents did nothing. I got very irritated for a minute, and then decided to take over...because the parents were doing nothing! I started playing peekaboo, marching around, brought out some toys and got real creative with some candles we had in the back of the showroom. I was sweating, but it was working. He was eating it up! I felt somewhat satisfied. But a little sadness came over me. This is not my child. Will I ever be able to have a child. I would just love to have my child call me momma and run to me and be needed.
Okay...those feeling quickly went away when another customer came in and I brought adorable 2 year old to his parents. As I was talking to the nice gentleman who had a sweet face and a patient way about him, another father came in with his very energetic 4 year old. As I was talking business with the patient customer, the little girl looked very determined as she walked straight over to me and introduced herself as Laura and that she liked rainbows. Well, how could I possibly ignore such an interesting subject and asked if I could be right back with the patient man and brought the little girl over to the adorable 2 year old who was starting to jump on the furniture because again the parents were ignoring him. I introduced the two and they instantly became best friends. I was able to talk with the nice gentleman, but what I noticed was three more families came in, as well as a pregnant lady, her husband and her 6 year old little girl who had on about 8 different layers of clothes, which all happened to be blue. Her mother told me later that today was national autism day and we were supposed to wear blue. I had on blue earrings, so I was covered.
Well, this story could go one, but let me just give you a little visual. I had to step back a few times and just get myself a glass of water as I stared with shock through out my store. I had children in every corner running around giggling, parents shouting don't touch that, and couples everywhere lying down on couches as their kids were jumping, running, hiding, and, just enjoying themselves. It was nice to watch. Exhausting, but nice to witness. I thought to myself how I envied this everyday chaos. Well, that is just a day in the life of a crazy infertile sales manager.
I hope you all are having a great weekend. Tomorrow I am getting the beads for my injection necklace. I am so excited. If any of you want to do this with me, it should be fun:)
hugs
Things I need to get back on track with:
1) I need to clean my car inside and out
2) a major spring cleaning is needed( drawers, closets, storage area)
3) I little time with my Dad- I have not spent any time with him. I would love to just talk with him
4) I have not been exercising very much. It really is spontaneous and not scheduled.
5) I need to create a spreadsheet for my finances- this one scares me the most
Saturday I worked all day. It was such a slow day, from 11am to 3 and then everything changed. I can tell you honestly about 15 children came into my store and three pregnant women. Really!!! In one day...there had to be that many children and pregnant couples come in. And the day before..I must have seen 40 kids. I was working at one of my stores where there is an Ice cream store next door and it was finally over 80 degrees in Northern California so everybody came out. Anyways, lots of kids are coming out of the wood works!! So I am in the store and the first couple came in with their 2 year old. This adorable boy was very behaved...until his parents started ignoring him. I manage a few furniture stores and if any of you have ever worked in a furniture store you can understand what happens when a certain kind of parent brings their children into your store. They think that since there are a few salesman, they can spend 2, 3 and sometimes 4 hours just relaxing on your furniture as their kids create chaos in your store.
I knew it was going to go down as soon as the little adorable kid turned into a monster as he played bongos on our glass tables. The parents did nothing. I got very irritated for a minute, and then decided to take over...because the parents were doing nothing! I started playing peekaboo, marching around, brought out some toys and got real creative with some candles we had in the back of the showroom. I was sweating, but it was working. He was eating it up! I felt somewhat satisfied. But a little sadness came over me. This is not my child. Will I ever be able to have a child. I would just love to have my child call me momma and run to me and be needed.
Okay...those feeling quickly went away when another customer came in and I brought adorable 2 year old to his parents. As I was talking to the nice gentleman who had a sweet face and a patient way about him, another father came in with his very energetic 4 year old. As I was talking business with the patient customer, the little girl looked very determined as she walked straight over to me and introduced herself as Laura and that she liked rainbows. Well, how could I possibly ignore such an interesting subject and asked if I could be right back with the patient man and brought the little girl over to the adorable 2 year old who was starting to jump on the furniture because again the parents were ignoring him. I introduced the two and they instantly became best friends. I was able to talk with the nice gentleman, but what I noticed was three more families came in, as well as a pregnant lady, her husband and her 6 year old little girl who had on about 8 different layers of clothes, which all happened to be blue. Her mother told me later that today was national autism day and we were supposed to wear blue. I had on blue earrings, so I was covered.
Well, this story could go one, but let me just give you a little visual. I had to step back a few times and just get myself a glass of water as I stared with shock through out my store. I had children in every corner running around giggling, parents shouting don't touch that, and couples everywhere lying down on couches as their kids were jumping, running, hiding, and, just enjoying themselves. It was nice to watch. Exhausting, but nice to witness. I thought to myself how I envied this everyday chaos. Well, that is just a day in the life of a crazy infertile sales manager.
I hope you all are having a great weekend. Tomorrow I am getting the beads for my injection necklace. I am so excited. If any of you want to do this with me, it should be fun:)
hugs
Kind of stressing
Okay..I hate to stress. My period is so strange. I have one more week until my period is supposed to start and I am spotting. I normally spot about 5 days before my period actually happens, but I am confused. I thought that since I am on BCP my period would be controlled by my medication. Now, I am just worried because will this off set all my medication. I am supposed to start my Lupron on Monday. I am thinking worst case scenario: basically I have to wait another month. I am not sure. Have any of you gone through something like this? Please tell me you have...because I may start to cry:(
Well, I guess now I just wait until Monday to talk to my doctor's assistant.
Well, I guess now I just wait until Monday to talk to my doctor's assistant.
Friday, April 1, 2011
I am ready!
I am so ready for these needle injections now!! I am more than excited! I went to the injection class and I left singing kumbaya!!! I only sing this when I am really happy! AND I AM! It was a two hour class and the woman who led the class was very humorous and informative.We practiced all the different needles(pen...mixing, powders, and IM injections) watched a movie...and then she said we were going to practice injecting ourselves. That's when my husband said my face turned white. I had no idea about the colors my face was turning, but my stomach was doing was crazy acrobatics! It was getting ridiculous. But..within time I was laughing and giggling with my husband as I completely had no idea what I was doing with the needles. He was a pro, except for the one moment he accidentally squirted his neighbor with his needle. OOOPS!! We were giggling in the corner...it brought us back to high school! We were always almost separated from the teacher.:)
Then it was time to inject ourselves. Thetan said he was worried I was going to faint. I do that at times with needles and such. I am kind of a wuss. Well, the fact that I had been practicing with the needles for two hours and that the needle that i would be injecting myself with was much smaller than some of the mixing needles..it didn't really look that bad. And one other thing. I do not like to be naked in front of strangers. So with the motivation to hurry and get my clothes back on and to do well in front of the husband I did it! I was the first one done. I stuck myself and realized..this does not even hurt! Hurray! After I was done, with the help of my husband telling me what to do, I finished like a pro!! He looked shocked and proud!! I started jumping and laughing!! By the time I sat down I had looked and everyone was having their husbands do it and one women was crying. I became quiet right away. My husband and I looked at each other and we realized as the instructor helped the women get over her fear that she was very scared, I felt really bad I had been jumping for joy. Eventually her husband did it and the look on her face showed it did not hurt and she would be okay. That was great to watch!
Then the instructor got out her fake butts so we could practice IM injections! This part was just not fair. after I heared that with a BFP I have to have IM with Progesterone for 91/2 weeks I almost walked out!! And if I do not want to do that then I have to pay about $2000 for the vaginal inserts. HMMM? Money I just do not have. Well, it is all for the greater good of my future family. This is what I have to do to have my baby! Then this is what I will do!
Even if the terrible news of IM needles for almost three months after I get pregnant, it is all worth it!! I am so excited for Monday April 4th! My first real Lupron injection! Yayayayay
Oh, and by looking at my calendar, I will find out if I am pregnant by Mother's day!!! I am hoping it's a BFP!!
Hugs,
Marilyn
Then it was time to inject ourselves. Thetan said he was worried I was going to faint. I do that at times with needles and such. I am kind of a wuss. Well, the fact that I had been practicing with the needles for two hours and that the needle that i would be injecting myself with was much smaller than some of the mixing needles..it didn't really look that bad. And one other thing. I do not like to be naked in front of strangers. So with the motivation to hurry and get my clothes back on and to do well in front of the husband I did it! I was the first one done. I stuck myself and realized..this does not even hurt! Hurray! After I was done, with the help of my husband telling me what to do, I finished like a pro!! He looked shocked and proud!! I started jumping and laughing!! By the time I sat down I had looked and everyone was having their husbands do it and one women was crying. I became quiet right away. My husband and I looked at each other and we realized as the instructor helped the women get over her fear that she was very scared, I felt really bad I had been jumping for joy. Eventually her husband did it and the look on her face showed it did not hurt and she would be okay. That was great to watch!
Then the instructor got out her fake butts so we could practice IM injections! This part was just not fair. after I heared that with a BFP I have to have IM with Progesterone for 91/2 weeks I almost walked out!! And if I do not want to do that then I have to pay about $2000 for the vaginal inserts. HMMM? Money I just do not have. Well, it is all for the greater good of my future family. This is what I have to do to have my baby! Then this is what I will do!
Even if the terrible news of IM needles for almost three months after I get pregnant, it is all worth it!! I am so excited for Monday April 4th! My first real Lupron injection! Yayayayay
Oh, and by looking at my calendar, I will find out if I am pregnant by Mother's day!!! I am hoping it's a BFP!!
Hugs,
Marilyn
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
My Medicine is here!!
Monday, March 28, 2011
Beware!! A Virus!!
Beware of some website with Empowerher.com....do not go to this website...it will give your blog and computer a virus!!
I am so pissed..I got rid of it..but I do not know where it came from. I have checked and my blog is and computer is clean...I am so frazzled. Has anyone had this happen?
I am so pissed..I got rid of it..but I do not know where it came from. I have checked and my blog is and computer is clean...I am so frazzled. Has anyone had this happen?
Saturday, March 26, 2011
I am making a beaded necklace!
(the Stirrup Queen's book) NAVIGATING THE LAND OF IF. She is a great advocate for all of us, but her book is even better. She breaks down step by step with little helpful tips for each situation, whether it is emotionally, financially, or physically. I have learned a lot from her book. From the beginning of my Infertility Journey, each step it has come in handy. Now I am reading about the IVF process with the medication. I was in the middle of the Stirrup Queen's guide to injections. Okay..it sounded real daunting and then the phone rang. It was my mom. I was trying to keep it together but whenever I hear her warm affection voice, I become 4 and start crying( when things are tough). I am so grateful for having a supportive mom. She allows me to break down and then she knows exactly what to say to cheer me up. She lets me vent..and then puts it to me bluntly....."you will get through this, you are strong". I said, "yes..you are right". That is mainly what my blogging buddies said. She said how great it is that I have a support system and that I found you all. I agreed. she then came up with a great idea..and if you all want to do it with me..I would love that. Basically, get the number of days you will be injecting. Then go to the store and get string and the amount of beads you will be injecting. Put the beads in a bag that is not see through or maybe a sock! :)
Then every night you have an injection, afterwards, pull a bead out and put it on the string. It is like an award:)
I love this idea. At the end of your cycle, you will have a beautiful necklace to remember all the hard work you did. It is kind of fun, rewarding, and therapeutic. I have searched bead stores in my area and there are some real authentic beautiful beads.
anyways, I hope you all are having a relaxing weekend:)
Hugs
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Bare with me..it's a Vent!
Okay...I have to get this out. I am freaking out just a little bit. Okay..okay..I know I said I would do anything to have a baby. Shots, hormones,...whatever. But oh my god!...Oh my god!! I don't think anyone can get ready for what is in store for me the next couple of weeks. I am giggling...the nervous giggles. It is strange..but the money stress is not there..it is just the needle fear now. I do not do well with needles. I am kind of all over the place tonight.
Last week my husband said you need to start getting ready for the labor, because you have to get through it with out fainting. Mind you...I have to get ready for the needles to get pregnant first! I agreed and said, what should I do. He said you have to really visualize what it is going to be like. So I did that night before I went to bed. I visualized all I could. I pulled visuals from my 8th grade science class. That was a crazy movie. I almost fainted watching it. I could not believe it. And then I took in the memories of the early morning as I stood by my sister in law's bed holding my brother up as she so bravely brought her little angel into this world. So I had lots of good pictures in my head. That morning I woke up from a dream of getting an epidural shot. That was not pretty. That seems really painful.
oh no!!! I am just in a very fearful state. I am sure tomorrow I will be better after a good night's sleep and maybe I will read some of your blogs. I aways seem to be in better spirits after a good dose of my support system.
oh..did I forget to reveal that I got my Calendar of medicine for the month of April. Yeah..that might be the cause of this freak out!! I was excited before..but it looks a little daunting at the moment. I know others have had so much more difficult than I have, But for a newbie..it seems pretty hard to go through all this. I know I will survive...I have to ..there is no choice.
Good night:)
hugs
Last week my husband said you need to start getting ready for the labor, because you have to get through it with out fainting. Mind you...I have to get ready for the needles to get pregnant first! I agreed and said, what should I do. He said you have to really visualize what it is going to be like. So I did that night before I went to bed. I visualized all I could. I pulled visuals from my 8th grade science class. That was a crazy movie. I almost fainted watching it. I could not believe it. And then I took in the memories of the early morning as I stood by my sister in law's bed holding my brother up as she so bravely brought her little angel into this world. So I had lots of good pictures in my head. That morning I woke up from a dream of getting an epidural shot. That was not pretty. That seems really painful.
oh no!!! I am just in a very fearful state. I am sure tomorrow I will be better after a good night's sleep and maybe I will read some of your blogs. I aways seem to be in better spirits after a good dose of my support system.
oh..did I forget to reveal that I got my Calendar of medicine for the month of April. Yeah..that might be the cause of this freak out!! I was excited before..but it looks a little daunting at the moment. I know others have had so much more difficult than I have, But for a newbie..it seems pretty hard to go through all this. I know I will survive...I have to ..there is no choice.
Good night:)
hugs
Monday, March 21, 2011
two days of Reclipson
Image via WikipediaAlright!! I am on my way. I am on my second day of Reclipson birth control pill. Has anyone else had headaches right away. I am not sure if I am just super sensitive, but yesterday was my first day on birth control and I had such a bad headache. It was pretty strong. But once I took Tyelonel, it pretty much went away. So, my mom came over yesterday. She is a such a great supporter to me and my husband. She cried with happiness for us. She is so excited for us.We did a tarot reading. My mom and Husband are so into it! I was busy reading on my iphone how birth control pills affect the body with estrogen and progesterone, while they had books and three different books analyzing every card. I started paying attention when they asked me to throw the cards. I always have found it somehwhat enlightening and sometimes very true to my personality and sometimes it answers my questions...but only when they do my reading..it may be a little bit that they know me..probably..but I will take it anyways.
So of course I asked..how will this next month go. Well..let's just say..my future card was the Star. The Star means: Optimism, renewed hope, promise, healing an old wound, pleasure, balance, protection,balance. And my outcome card was Peace. Peace is the 2 of swords. It means resolution of conflict, selflessness, bravery, alliance, balance, veracity. Overall, it was a great reading. My husband read it and my mom read it. When my husband read it..he read one card that just made me kind of breakdown and cry. He just basically said my unconscious is just all jumbled up. Kind of feelings of confusion and feeling overwhelmed. That is an understatement. I really do not think Tarot is always a way to read the future..but it really brings my mom, my husband and myself closer and we can express our emotions. They understand me a little more now after the reading. It helped them understand that I am kind of freaking out about this whole IVf process. But also, that I am a very strong person and that I can get through it. Anyways, I hope you are all doing okay:)
Hugs
Marilyn
Saturday, March 19, 2011
AF is Here! CD1
OH Joy!! Oh happy Joy Joy!
Yes! I am celebrating my period. Cramps: Yay!! :)
I have officially started my cycle and tomorrow I will start my first day of of Birth Control pills! Bloating: Yay!!
Alrighty....gettin ready!! I am so excited, scared, and hopeful!
so..be ready for my rollercoaster of emotions. I was driving to work today for an hour..and I cried listening to Michael Bolten. That is a little humiliating...admitting that. There is something so amazing what I am about to be going through. I am just trying to absorb it . I thought to myself..this is the last time I will be waiting for my period. It has been so painful trying to conceive naturally. I do feel relieved I am leaving it up to the doctors. The feeling of hope, fear, and trying with all the pee sticks, fertility dolls and such has been exhausting. I have often heard from friends that they are praying for me. I told a friend the other day that my cycle is starting. She is a friend who I respect and really do look up to. I really appreciate her friendship. She is three months pregnant, so it was fun talking about all her symptoms and excitement with all the things she bought and hear about her future plans. She is one of the lucky ones who do not have to work for years after she gives birth. She will have to sacrifice a little with her husband working during the week hours away and then coming home for the weekends. I guess..while I wrote this, I realized we should all appreciate what we have. Because sometimes the grass on the other side is not greener. The last couple days I have been kind of jealous she does not have to work. But I am so appreciative that my husband will be with me every night and morning. There will be tough times ahead, but I am just so appreciative for what I have. This is a big reason why I blog. Not only do I realize so much about myself through blogging, but I find other's out there like you who either..give me words of encouragement, snap me out of my funk, or just hear me.
That brings me to another point... Yes..my friend said the usual.. I guess it happens a lot. But it did get me a little bothered..and I ate a lot of ice cream when I got home. She said, there is this girl at work who was preparing for IVF and right before it started, she got pregnant. Why did she tell me that? I was spotting at the time and I became just hopeful that maybe just maybe I would be one of the special ones. So for that night and Friday..I prayed..I hoped, and got so damn frustrated! and then finally...I got my period last night. I got pissed. Why I am not one of the lucky ones. I have to take shots, and go through surgery, and get all crazy pain. So yes..this is my rollercoaster. So I can feel hopeful, and then, pissed, and then sad, and then angry, and hopeful again, and then positive. And then it starts all over again! Anyways...at this point I am feeling relieved and hopeful!
Ahhh. that felt good to get out. I hope you all are having a good week...I will be get reading soon:)
Hugs
Yes! I am celebrating my period. Cramps: Yay!! :)
I have officially started my cycle and tomorrow I will start my first day of of Birth Control pills! Bloating: Yay!!
Alrighty....gettin ready!! I am so excited, scared, and hopeful!
so..be ready for my rollercoaster of emotions. I was driving to work today for an hour..and I cried listening to Michael Bolten. That is a little humiliating...admitting that. There is something so amazing what I am about to be going through. I am just trying to absorb it . I thought to myself..this is the last time I will be waiting for my period. It has been so painful trying to conceive naturally. I do feel relieved I am leaving it up to the doctors. The feeling of hope, fear, and trying with all the pee sticks, fertility dolls and such has been exhausting. I have often heard from friends that they are praying for me. I told a friend the other day that my cycle is starting. She is a friend who I respect and really do look up to. I really appreciate her friendship. She is three months pregnant, so it was fun talking about all her symptoms and excitement with all the things she bought and hear about her future plans. She is one of the lucky ones who do not have to work for years after she gives birth. She will have to sacrifice a little with her husband working during the week hours away and then coming home for the weekends. I guess..while I wrote this, I realized we should all appreciate what we have. Because sometimes the grass on the other side is not greener. The last couple days I have been kind of jealous she does not have to work. But I am so appreciative that my husband will be with me every night and morning. There will be tough times ahead, but I am just so appreciative for what I have. This is a big reason why I blog. Not only do I realize so much about myself through blogging, but I find other's out there like you who either..give me words of encouragement, snap me out of my funk, or just hear me.
That brings me to another point... Yes..my friend said the usual.. I guess it happens a lot. But it did get me a little bothered..and I ate a lot of ice cream when I got home. She said, there is this girl at work who was preparing for IVF and right before it started, she got pregnant. Why did she tell me that? I was spotting at the time and I became just hopeful that maybe just maybe I would be one of the special ones. So for that night and Friday..I prayed..I hoped, and got so damn frustrated! and then finally...I got my period last night. I got pissed. Why I am not one of the lucky ones. I have to take shots, and go through surgery, and get all crazy pain. So yes..this is my rollercoaster. So I can feel hopeful, and then, pissed, and then sad, and then angry, and hopeful again, and then positive. And then it starts all over again! Anyways...at this point I am feeling relieved and hopeful!
Ahhh. that felt good to get out. I hope you all are having a good week...I will be get reading soon:)
Hugs
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
Serendipity
This happened to me today. I was so tired after I came home from work today. I have been spotting, and AF has let me know she is arriving, but is taking her time! I have been especially emotional today. A little more sensitive than normal. I am not angry or grumpy, just feeling like I need to recharge my battery after a two day nap.
Well, I turned on my laptop and went onto facebook and realized my profile of a weird looking bird, was well..just too weird. so I went on google images to look up pictures to apply on my facebook profile. I went through a few different themes and finally decide on sleepy. I found this hilarious picture of Sleepy, one of the dwarfs. When I clicked on it to save on my computer, it loaded and on the top of the page it read, Our Road to IVF. I was shocked! How did I find this blog, while clicking on one of the seven dwarfs. Whatever..I went with it..and started reading it.
All of a sudden it was an hour later, and I was crying reading this couples beautiful story. Please check it out..it is such an inspirational story...
I also really liked the detailed way they went through each step.
I found it so surprising that I found this website. it was a gift. an unexpected gift.
Hugs,
Marilyn
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Joining the IVF sisterhood
So, it begins!
I am spotting. Yes. I just wrote that. But it is true. The spotting has begun, and soon, my Aunt Flow will be here. I will then take my birth control pills, and wait to get my cycle list of medication. I am so excited, I can hardly contain myself!! This will be my very first cycle.
Questions in my head:
How long is a cycle?
Why did my doctor order one dispense and three refills of Desogen(birth control pills)?- does that mean it is three months? too long!
Well, I called my husband and everyone I know screaming with excitement that my period is coming. They all kind of giggled and went with it.
I have a little fear. The needles, the menopause reaction, the side effects. At this moment I feel like it is all worth it. I am sure I will be singing a different story in a few weeks. I am also concerned I will gain weight on the hormones. I guess, I will try to workout as much as I can during this cycle. This is my first cycle, I am really want to keep Positive and think baby thoughts through this time of babymaking!!!
THERE IS SO MUCH PRESSURE!!
I have been not blogging for a while. It has been a few weeks. My family and I have been going through some pretty dramatic stuff. I am refocusing on creating my family, and they will have to go through the drama mainly by themselves. They can not always lean on me and make me the mediator. They will survive without me. I am not able to deal with the stressor...nor do I want to be part of it anymore anyways. I love my family, I really do, but sometimes I think, they like the drama.
I guess the last straw was when I was over at my mom's and my brother and his child(his 14 month old daughter) were there. I was playing with the child and later that night I gave her a bath. All through this time( a two hour period of time) my niece was saying daddy , daddy. And her dad( my brother) was ignoring her. I kept saying, you daughter wants you, she is calling your name. Well, after about the third time, with his daughter knocking at the bathroom door and my yelling out, your daughter is at the door...he came in yelling at me. He said, "stop telling me I need to spend time with my daughter. I am the parent I know how to raise my child. You do not have kids so you do not know. Until you have kids, don't tell me how to raise my child because you do not know what you are talking about".
Okay..no tears from me. I did not cry. I was furious. Burning mad!!! I drew the line..and not speaking or being around such devastating anger and drama. He is just a mean, selfish, rude person. I am ashamed he is my own brother. What Brother talks to their sister, knowing the pain and heartache this has been for me and my husband. The sad part for him is he also went through IVF with his wife and he does not even want to spend time with his daughter. Shocking!!!
But enough about the drama..it is over. I will still spend time with my niece, because she is just a bundle of Joy...but I am staying far far far away from my brother.
So..here I wait for Aunt Flow to come. Come quick!!! I can not wait!!!
I am spotting. Yes. I just wrote that. But it is true. The spotting has begun, and soon, my Aunt Flow will be here. I will then take my birth control pills, and wait to get my cycle list of medication. I am so excited, I can hardly contain myself!! This will be my very first cycle.
Questions in my head:
How long is a cycle?
Why did my doctor order one dispense and three refills of Desogen(birth control pills)?- does that mean it is three months? too long!
Well, I called my husband and everyone I know screaming with excitement that my period is coming. They all kind of giggled and went with it.
I have a little fear. The needles, the menopause reaction, the side effects. At this moment I feel like it is all worth it. I am sure I will be singing a different story in a few weeks. I am also concerned I will gain weight on the hormones. I guess, I will try to workout as much as I can during this cycle. This is my first cycle, I am really want to keep Positive and think baby thoughts through this time of babymaking!!!
THERE IS SO MUCH PRESSURE!!
I have been not blogging for a while. It has been a few weeks. My family and I have been going through some pretty dramatic stuff. I am refocusing on creating my family, and they will have to go through the drama mainly by themselves. They can not always lean on me and make me the mediator. They will survive without me. I am not able to deal with the stressor...nor do I want to be part of it anymore anyways. I love my family, I really do, but sometimes I think, they like the drama.
I guess the last straw was when I was over at my mom's and my brother and his child(his 14 month old daughter) were there. I was playing with the child and later that night I gave her a bath. All through this time( a two hour period of time) my niece was saying daddy , daddy. And her dad( my brother) was ignoring her. I kept saying, you daughter wants you, she is calling your name. Well, after about the third time, with his daughter knocking at the bathroom door and my yelling out, your daughter is at the door...he came in yelling at me. He said, "stop telling me I need to spend time with my daughter. I am the parent I know how to raise my child. You do not have kids so you do not know. Until you have kids, don't tell me how to raise my child because you do not know what you are talking about".
Okay..no tears from me. I did not cry. I was furious. Burning mad!!! I drew the line..and not speaking or being around such devastating anger and drama. He is just a mean, selfish, rude person. I am ashamed he is my own brother. What Brother talks to their sister, knowing the pain and heartache this has been for me and my husband. The sad part for him is he also went through IVF with his wife and he does not even want to spend time with his daughter. Shocking!!!
But enough about the drama..it is over. I will still spend time with my niece, because she is just a bundle of Joy...but I am staying far far far away from my brother.
So..here I wait for Aunt Flow to come. Come quick!!! I can not wait!!!
Sunday, February 20, 2011
Welcome IComLeavWe
Welcome all you IComLeavWe readers and loyal commenters. It is my favorite time of the month again.
Thanks again to the Stirrups Queen for creating this great way to build support. So you can read my previous posts below to get to know me. I am very excited to hear from new readers and to catch up with others that I have not heard from in a while. At this time, I am waiting one more month to start my first IVF process. I am anxiously awaiting the rigorous hormone torture. I think what I want to focus on this month is what our Government(USA...I am in California) is doing to help us in the IF community. I was reading this interesting article from one of my favorite bloggers, fertilityauthority. I never knew how much the government can control the future of the infertility research and health coverage. I would also like to know more about how to get better health coverage or at least begin the fight for the future of this community.
1) what has your experience been with getting health coverage for your infertility... In the USA or any where in the world?
2) Do any of you know about how we can participate in this fight to get our government to help us?
3) this article is a must from the Stirrup Queens blog. Melissa brings up the fine line between speaking up about infertility so the world is more aware that we are out there and that bringing up and conversing about the subject may help us with health care..but with that brings up many issues because we in return often become the victims from insensitive and ignorant people.
Thanks again to the Stirrups Queen for creating this great way to build support. So you can read my previous posts below to get to know me. I am very excited to hear from new readers and to catch up with others that I have not heard from in a while. At this time, I am waiting one more month to start my first IVF process. I am anxiously awaiting the rigorous hormone torture. I think what I want to focus on this month is what our Government(USA...I am in California) is doing to help us in the IF community. I was reading this interesting article from one of my favorite bloggers, fertilityauthority. I never knew how much the government can control the future of the infertility research and health coverage. I would also like to know more about how to get better health coverage or at least begin the fight for the future of this community.
1) what has your experience been with getting health coverage for your infertility... In the USA or any where in the world?
2) Do any of you know about how we can participate in this fight to get our government to help us?
3) this article is a must from the Stirrup Queens blog. Melissa brings up the fine line between speaking up about infertility so the world is more aware that we are out there and that bringing up and conversing about the subject may help us with health care..but with that brings up many issues because we in return often become the victims from insensitive and ignorant people.
Gratitude
It has been awhile. I am using my husband's little netbook because my laptop died on me. I have been so empty without it. It has been so great being able to read and catch up on your blogs. And I have to say I am a little blogger shy..it has been so long since I have bared my soul with this community. Well, let's see. Where to begin. I just want to say to many of you who got a BFN this month, I was watching the new Karate Kid 2010 version. I thought it was not so good, but one line from the movie made me think of all of you. Mr. Han, the kid's teacher say's to him:
"You have taught me very important lesson, Xiao Dre. Life will knock us down, but we can choose whether or not to stand back up. "
I don't know what happened but I started weeping. You all are so strong going through these procedures for months, and sometimes years!! YOU never give up! And some of you, have such grace about you. I am so proud to be part of this community.
As for you all with BFP!! Wow!! Congrats!! I am so happy for you..and you give me strength and hope!!
the latest with me:
I got my period this month. I actually thought for a couple days after I was a week late that maybe my husband and I made a baby!! I started going to that happy place. You know the relieved that the hormones and money was not a factor in starting a family. Nope! That was short lived. My period arrived. I think I handled it pretty well. Only a few casualties. Oops. I can not help it. Well, I think everyone understands, I am on edge lately. I am not doing the hormones yet:( I hope March will be my start to the hormone journey. It all depends if money is coming in. Unfortunetley money is a huge stress behind my IVF process.
Besides the lack of IVF beginning, I think I am getting a little lost within it. I find myself stuck on what to say to friends and family when they ask me what is new with me. Besides the baby urgency and emptyness, I feel there is nothing else. That makes me think, I may need to get a life. But the reality is that all my friends and family have kids or have just recently announced their pregnancy. HMM...and the other friends, we complain together that we are not pregnant and everyone is telling us they are pregnant. It is kind of funny. I am not sure why I laugh about it, but it is kind of hilarious!! I wonder if there is any comedians and funny movies about this.
Good things, a family relative who needed to get into rehab has finally checked in, way past due but better late than never!! I am nervous for this person, but I am keeping my fingers crossed that the seed is planted and this person gets some healing done quickly!
My health...I am going in to the lab to get my blood taken tomorrow. I am checking on my thyroid. I really hope it is around 1 so I can start the IVF process. I am also going to check if I am immune to toxoplasmosis. My cat was tested and he does have Taxosplasmosis. Which means, it is not good to be around his litter while I am pregnant. That makes me really nervous.
My cat is a major stress for me regarding having him around me when I get pregnant. Not only when I am pregnant though. When the baby is born, I do not trust my cat. He is an indoor cat and he is the king of everything. He also has a temper all of a suddenly. Most of the time he is a lovebug and just wants to cuddle. But then, all of sudden, he bites...hard. I do not want him harming my child. I do not know what to do. I get so mad every time he bites me or scratches me. I love him though. He has been my baby for 9 fun years. He has been through so many hard times with me and my husband. I do not know, I guess one step at a time.
Anyways, I guess that is enough for now. I hope you all are having a great weekend.
hugs,
Marilyn
"You have taught me very important lesson, Xiao Dre. Life will knock us down, but we can choose whether or not to stand back up. "
I don't know what happened but I started weeping. You all are so strong going through these procedures for months, and sometimes years!! YOU never give up! And some of you, have such grace about you. I am so proud to be part of this community.
As for you all with BFP!! Wow!! Congrats!! I am so happy for you..and you give me strength and hope!!
the latest with me:
I got my period this month. I actually thought for a couple days after I was a week late that maybe my husband and I made a baby!! I started going to that happy place. You know the relieved that the hormones and money was not a factor in starting a family. Nope! That was short lived. My period arrived. I think I handled it pretty well. Only a few casualties. Oops. I can not help it. Well, I think everyone understands, I am on edge lately. I am not doing the hormones yet:( I hope March will be my start to the hormone journey. It all depends if money is coming in. Unfortunetley money is a huge stress behind my IVF process.
Besides the lack of IVF beginning, I think I am getting a little lost within it. I find myself stuck on what to say to friends and family when they ask me what is new with me. Besides the baby urgency and emptyness, I feel there is nothing else. That makes me think, I may need to get a life. But the reality is that all my friends and family have kids or have just recently announced their pregnancy. HMM...and the other friends, we complain together that we are not pregnant and everyone is telling us they are pregnant. It is kind of funny. I am not sure why I laugh about it, but it is kind of hilarious!! I wonder if there is any comedians and funny movies about this.
Good things, a family relative who needed to get into rehab has finally checked in, way past due but better late than never!! I am nervous for this person, but I am keeping my fingers crossed that the seed is planted and this person gets some healing done quickly!
My health...I am going in to the lab to get my blood taken tomorrow. I am checking on my thyroid. I really hope it is around 1 so I can start the IVF process. I am also going to check if I am immune to toxoplasmosis. My cat was tested and he does have Taxosplasmosis. Which means, it is not good to be around his litter while I am pregnant. That makes me really nervous.
My cat is a major stress for me regarding having him around me when I get pregnant. Not only when I am pregnant though. When the baby is born, I do not trust my cat. He is an indoor cat and he is the king of everything. He also has a temper all of a suddenly. Most of the time he is a lovebug and just wants to cuddle. But then, all of sudden, he bites...hard. I do not want him harming my child. I do not know what to do. I get so mad every time he bites me or scratches me. I love him though. He has been my baby for 9 fun years. He has been through so many hard times with me and my husband. I do not know, I guess one step at a time.
Anyways, I guess that is enough for now. I hope you all are having a great weekend.
hugs,
Marilyn
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