So as long as I have wanted a baby..(since I was 10) I have dreamed of having a full baby and being surrounded by my favorite aunts and friends and family members. Seeing lots of baby blue or pretty girly pink..with maybe a diaper cake and everyone rubbing my belly saying "oh your glowing" Getting wisdom of parenting advice while others tell me nightmare stories of their own labor stories. Then of course a few tears and a warm wishful toasts as everyone drinks champagne and I drink apple cider.
Yep! I have it down to the T!
Well, if Infertility has taught me anything, it is not to expect anything. So I am driving home with with my mom in the car..( I drop her off every night because we work in the family business together) and she says to me.."you know I have to say, in the Jewish Religion..Jews do not have the baby shower until after the baby is born".
I automatically get pissed off because back story: she threw a baby shower for my sister in law almost 2 years ago! WTH!!!
And we are not even Religious. Yes we celebrate The high holy days and hannuka..but really we do not follow any rules or traditions. There are a few things I have done that has been religious. My brother and I had our Bat and bar Mitva's- and before my paternal grandma passed away) my father's side of the family was orthodox jewish.kosher..and went to temple and really put a lot of effort into their Jewish Community in New York and Florida) she asked me to have a Rabbi at our wedding. My husband is not Jewish..so she felt it was important to emphasize the importance that she wanted us to be blessed by a rabbi.
Well..my mom said during the drive, I am not saying I do not want to throw you a baby shower, but it is bad luck. I said okay..mom..that is fine..I do not need one. I dropped her off, and I ate half a bag of chips and vented to my husband who was driving and just smiled at me and listened and his advice:
lets go get some ice cream. I got excited and almost forgot about the disappointing news of not setting up a nursery and having a baby shower.
So we are there at the ice cream shop and I turn to look over at the frozen yogurt section,...and there he is him and his wife the rabbi that blessed us at the wedding. I forgot to say, as my mom walked out of the car to go home, she told me to look up more about the taboo and find out why it is a taboo to not have the baby shower before the baby is born.
Well..what a coincidence..call it fate or a sign, god..what have you. I was delighted and flabbergasted! We greeted each other we announced we were pregnant and they said they would be delighted to bless the child and our home. I am so excited. But then I could not restrain myself. I had to ask. so I told them of the conversation I had with my mom and the rabbi said it was introduced when there was a high mortality rate and no testing to see if the baby is okay, So now it is just a superstition. It is to protect the parents from a horrible grieving process if the baby does not make it. They said the nursery just normally is not made up until the baby is born. Other than that..it is not in the law of the Jewish books,...it is just superstition..among mainly orthodox Jews.
So I called my mom and she was just as in shock that I bumped into the rabbi after our conversation. Needless to say..I am having a baby shower and I am setting up my nursery. I have that right..and I have been to the doctor and had ultrasounds..my baby is healthy and he will be coming home mid January.
So that is it: I am planning a baby blue theme with animals!
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
Monday, September 5, 2011
Vent and Relationship Topic
So I need to just vent here for a minute! I am 21 weeks pregnant today yippeeeeeee!!! so thrilled..but every time I take a step anywhere, my feet feel like they are are pins and needles and my lower back is killing me. Don't get me wrong, I would do IVF a million times to be where where I am, but I am in a little of pain here.
And MY inner bitchiness has come out as well. I am fighting with my husband a lot. I do not know what to say about this. I just want to nest and the house to look perfect, and I am not getting out the message in the right way. In my head, I believe I am saying okay, next project next project, and he hears me yelling out orders. Not sure if he is more sensitive or I am being rude. It kills me that I am hurting him or irritating him in this way. I may need to reevaluate how I approach him or anybody else. Maybe this hormones or getting to me. and yes..maybe I have been a little on the grumpy side because I am in pain from my back and feet, tired, and still very sensitive to smells. I threw up at work from a bad smell from the kitchen on Friday and Yesterday on Sunday I through up from the garbage smell. Sometimes, I feel as if i am still not in control of my body.
I wish I was one of those women who find being pregnant to be a great time of peace with the self and liberation. I wish I felt proud and sexy with my new belly, but I don't. I am working on it, but people stare and rub my belly, and i do not feel good about it. I thought I would like the attention, but I do not look all glowy and sexy like the celebrities. I look tired, and flabby, I am in pain, and gassy.
okay,..that was a major vent.
ON the positive side: my home looks beautiful and extremely organized! Everything is organized and although I asked my husband to do his 5 loads of laundry( mind you we share a closet) and him giving me a huge attitude for saying I would like him to do the laundry...he eventually did it. I am very happy that he has helped me and eventually does what I ask him to do..but why the attitude. I think I still, I need to work on my delivery. At least that is what he says I need to do and that is what being in a relationship means. I respect my husband and even though he really pisses me off sometimes, and our stubbornness gets us in some pretty heating arguments, we learn from each other and we are better because we push each other. We have pushed each other to grow up and be a better people since we were 16 together.
Do any of you have this same argument with your husbands or boyfriends? Any advice on how to get the message out with better delivery>
oh..and my feet hurt but the massage from the hubby sure helps!
I have been cooking lately too. Knowing me, it is a shocker! I don't cook, I do not like to cook, and frankly it scares me! So,...any easy recipes would be greatly appreciated:)
Here are a few tips from online websites:
3)Avoid negative facial expressions, body language and tone of voice when asking your husband to do something. Scowling looks, crossed arms and a raised voice are all detrimental in any situation and will limit your husband's willingness to help you out.
4)Stick to the issue at hand, and don't look for the upper hand in a conflict. Do not start out with one argument and then bring up everything else your husband has done wrong recently. Focus on the present issue, and be willing to listen to his point of view to create a solution. Practice proper communication by repeating what your husband said to make sure you understand from where he's coming.
a negative and a turn off with husbands with nagging wives:
Have a great labor day:)
hugs-
Marilyn
And MY inner bitchiness has come out as well. I am fighting with my husband a lot. I do not know what to say about this. I just want to nest and the house to look perfect, and I am not getting out the message in the right way. In my head, I believe I am saying okay, next project next project, and he hears me yelling out orders. Not sure if he is more sensitive or I am being rude. It kills me that I am hurting him or irritating him in this way. I may need to reevaluate how I approach him or anybody else. Maybe this hormones or getting to me. and yes..maybe I have been a little on the grumpy side because I am in pain from my back and feet, tired, and still very sensitive to smells. I threw up at work from a bad smell from the kitchen on Friday and Yesterday on Sunday I through up from the garbage smell. Sometimes, I feel as if i am still not in control of my body.
I wish I was one of those women who find being pregnant to be a great time of peace with the self and liberation. I wish I felt proud and sexy with my new belly, but I don't. I am working on it, but people stare and rub my belly, and i do not feel good about it. I thought I would like the attention, but I do not look all glowy and sexy like the celebrities. I look tired, and flabby, I am in pain, and gassy.
okay,..that was a major vent.
ON the positive side: my home looks beautiful and extremely organized! Everything is organized and although I asked my husband to do his 5 loads of laundry( mind you we share a closet) and him giving me a huge attitude for saying I would like him to do the laundry...he eventually did it. I am very happy that he has helped me and eventually does what I ask him to do..but why the attitude. I think I still, I need to work on my delivery. At least that is what he says I need to do and that is what being in a relationship means. I respect my husband and even though he really pisses me off sometimes, and our stubbornness gets us in some pretty heating arguments, we learn from each other and we are better because we push each other. We have pushed each other to grow up and be a better people since we were 16 together.
Do any of you have this same argument with your husbands or boyfriends? Any advice on how to get the message out with better delivery>
oh..and my feet hurt but the massage from the hubby sure helps!
I have been cooking lately too. Knowing me, it is a shocker! I don't cook, I do not like to cook, and frankly it scares me! So,...any easy recipes would be greatly appreciated:)
Here are a few tips from online websites:
1)Listen to your husband, rather than talking over him. Both of you are entitled to your own opinions, so never dismiss his feelings or thoughts because they don't coincide with yours.
2) Refrain from micromanaging a task you give to your husband. If he does a chore or favor for you and it's not the way you would do it, thank him for his effort and calmly explain that a different method might work better next time. Try not to speak down to him, since you both should be equal in the relationship
2) Refrain from micromanaging a task you give to your husband. If he does a chore or favor for you and it's not the way you would do it, thank him for his effort and calmly explain that a different method might work better next time. Try not to speak down to him, since you both should be equal in the relationship
a negative and a turn off with husbands with nagging wives:
A Nagging Attitude
There is something about men that gets women to nag them especially as the relationship ages. Most men complain about the hard time they have contending with the continuous complaints and scorns that their wife dishes out in the name of self improvement. Women on the other hand have no clue what the fuss is all about, after all they are only trying to “improve” their man.hugs-
Marilyn
Saturday, September 3, 2011
a little more posting!
I am reading the posts..and I am mad at myself for not blogging and being a part of this community. I have been so busy moving and being self absorbed with my pregnancy that I have missed out on so many exciting journeys you have been on. The last hour I have been commenting and crying!!! I am so happy for all the new pregnancies, the adoptions as well. I am here for you for you new IUI, IVF, and 2ww angels! I am crying remembering what I went through..this is a hard journey! And now at two days away from 21 weeks, I am faced with the memories of how special this baby is and what I went through.
OH...here are a few symptoms I left out:
I feel the baby moving! yes...my husband read to him every night..yes..at first it looked like he was talking to my woowoo! but now..as the belly is getting really round and he does look like he is talking to our little ALexander
well..here are some not so fun symptoms:
1) emotional_ cried at the bank yesterday
2) constipation or weird shifting of the intestines
3) extreme bossyness and anal behavior with my husband
I went and deposited a check at the bank in the atm..I put the check in for $1132.22. The receipt came out $132. Well.. no one at the bank would help me and the manager said she is the manager, then would say i am not the manafger. She initially made me wait for a half an hour and did not look at me, as I watched her help three more people. Very rude! Yeah..I will not be going back there. in fact..it is best not to deposit checks in an atm, or a bank located in a grocery store. But..really..I had no control of my anger..at the end the said 10 days until i can get the check into my bank and it is labor day..so two weeks until it is in my bank. Yeah..burns a little
then the constipation. So the uterus at 20 weeks starts miving above the belly button. I guess than transfers and the intestines around. it is pretty weird feeling. The constipation is no fun..I have to remind myself to drink lots of water.
then the analness! Well.. we moved into this new nice apartment/ I want it to be perfect, baby proof and clean. My husband and I have known each other since we were 16. So we are kind of kids..well not anymore but we grew up together and sometimes our immaturity comes out. We are messy and bicker like we are high school hormonal teenagers. He does not like throwing away things and he hates moving. so he has been really sensitive lately and I want things to be perfect for the baby..I am having a hard time getting him to be more open,...mind you he has a lot of clothes. In so many cases, men actually have more clothes than women!
OH...here are a few symptoms I left out:
I feel the baby moving! yes...my husband read to him every night..yes..at first it looked like he was talking to my woowoo! but now..as the belly is getting really round and he does look like he is talking to our little ALexander
well..here are some not so fun symptoms:
1) emotional_ cried at the bank yesterday
2) constipation or weird shifting of the intestines
3) extreme bossyness and anal behavior with my husband
I went and deposited a check at the bank in the atm..I put the check in for $1132.22. The receipt came out $132. Well.. no one at the bank would help me and the manager said she is the manager, then would say i am not the manafger. She initially made me wait for a half an hour and did not look at me, as I watched her help three more people. Very rude! Yeah..I will not be going back there. in fact..it is best not to deposit checks in an atm, or a bank located in a grocery store. But..really..I had no control of my anger..at the end the said 10 days until i can get the check into my bank and it is labor day..so two weeks until it is in my bank. Yeah..burns a little
then the constipation. So the uterus at 20 weeks starts miving above the belly button. I guess than transfers and the intestines around. it is pretty weird feeling. The constipation is no fun..I have to remind myself to drink lots of water.
then the analness! Well.. we moved into this new nice apartment/ I want it to be perfect, baby proof and clean. My husband and I have known each other since we were 16. So we are kind of kids..well not anymore but we grew up together and sometimes our immaturity comes out. We are messy and bicker like we are high school hormonal teenagers. He does not like throwing away things and he hates moving. so he has been really sensitive lately and I want things to be perfect for the baby..I am having a hard time getting him to be more open,...mind you he has a lot of clothes. In so many cases, men actually have more clothes than women!
21 weeks and In my new home
Here I am: in my new home! I am very excited to be in my new home with a nursery available to set up. It has been a crazy week of working 6am to 7 to 7pm! I am smiling from ear to ear singing and dancing it is the weekend. Did I tell you there is an ice cream shop one block away from my house and it is going to be in the 90's this weekend! I am so excited! It has been more than 10 years since I have lived where there is sun! If any of you have lived or visited San Francisco, you know what I am talking about! Fog city! Nice to visit..but I was raised in a sunny small town..and San Francisco was just too much for me..with the heavy traffic, bad drivers, bad energy....and well the fog.
Here in my new home town....people are a little slower, smile and say hi. Kids and teenagers are walking and talking, kids are running in the streets and playing at the park. Last night we went for a walk through the neighborhood. We saw father's walking with their sons, couples walking their dogs, older men watering their garden, and walked to a park, with green grass for soccer and baseball, with children running and playing int he park, and a group of men playing a serious game of soccer. It was so refreshing. I had realized that in my home town, I never saw any kids running around.
As for my pregnancy, the ligaments are starting to hurt a little. Long painful burns...and I am amazed how much I am growing. I have gained about a pound a week. I still feel very guilty about gaining weight. My doctors have me worried about gestational diabetes. I am sure everything will be alright, but all my doctors say I am pre pre diabetic. ...well whatever that means!
Lately I have not felt very sexy. sex..what is that. Yeah...first time in my life not feeling it at all.
Hmm..had a little shocker this week. My feet swelled up! Not a little.. my right ankle was missing!!! well..I went home and about 3 hours with lifting them and ice..it got better. I am going to keep my feet up while I work at my desk and remember to walk around every hour and limit the salt.
Okay..I have some catching up to do! I hope you all are okay.
Here in my new home town....people are a little slower, smile and say hi. Kids and teenagers are walking and talking, kids are running in the streets and playing at the park. Last night we went for a walk through the neighborhood. We saw father's walking with their sons, couples walking their dogs, older men watering their garden, and walked to a park, with green grass for soccer and baseball, with children running and playing int he park, and a group of men playing a serious game of soccer. It was so refreshing. I had realized that in my home town, I never saw any kids running around.
As for my pregnancy, the ligaments are starting to hurt a little. Long painful burns...and I am amazed how much I am growing. I have gained about a pound a week. I still feel very guilty about gaining weight. My doctors have me worried about gestational diabetes. I am sure everything will be alright, but all my doctors say I am pre pre diabetic. ...well whatever that means!
Lately I have not felt very sexy. sex..what is that. Yeah...first time in my life not feeling it at all.
Hmm..had a little shocker this week. My feet swelled up! Not a little.. my right ankle was missing!!! well..I went home and about 3 hours with lifting them and ice..it got better. I am going to keep my feet up while I work at my desk and remember to walk around every hour and limit the salt.
Okay..I have some catching up to do! I hope you all are okay.
Friday, August 26, 2011
It's a boy!!!
We are so he is healthy too!!! Growing, has all 10fingers and all 10 toes! It was amazing meeting him again yesterday at the second level sonogram. a little uncomfortable as the guy pressed on my uterus and stomach. But all worth it. I am so overwhelmed with joy. His name will be Alexander. Alex for short, Alenxander if he needs to be disciplined. I want to plan his nursery, I have dreamed of this and now..I actually get to!:) I have lived in a one bedroom for so long, and now, we finally found an apartment with a two bedroom with the washer and dryer in the facility. This is great. We were going to get a loan for a condo and home, but the market is still crashing, and with our price range the home are in need of a lot of work..that we do not have time and money at the time. And as for condos, the hoa's just gets too expensive. So, we found a nice apartment complex, gated, quiet, spacious.
I have been silent in the blog world for a while, but I have been thinking of all of you and hope everyone is doing okay. I am going to go now and catch up with my favorite bloggers:) This may take some time, maybe a week!:)
oh..symptoms:
I feel my uterus growing. It is a little painful at times. Like menstral pains. I have a lot more energy now at 19 weeks. My belly is getting larger and harder. I have felt a few flutters, but not much. My placenta in against the back wall..so I believe you feel more and more quickly if it is centered int he front. Not sure about all that...read it at babycenter.com
hmmm...sleeping has been better, but still waking up constantly to pee. I am hungry too!!
Alright have to go blog and then get back to packing. I have three day to move! this is insane!
Sunday, August 7, 2011
Lots of Emotions!
I feel so relaxed sitting on my couch typing about my growing belly. I sit here awaiting one more day to my 17th week! I am so happy IVF has worked out for me. I know some of you are still awaiting your baby or might be in the middle of your IVF or IUI process. I hope everything is going well. I found frequent stops for ice cream and spoiling myself at the IVF or trying too make a baby process very helpful. Take care of your self right now..call your friends, do things that you and your hubby enjoys. I am sure you will find that there are those two or three people that are truly cheering for you. Spend time with them and confide in them,...they can truly make your day a little brighter. My mom was that person. She called me everyday. For me, everyone else seemed to be watching from afar and smiling with hope in their eyes. If I was in a bad mood, I just saw pity, but I am sure they just wanted to hear that I was expecting, little did most of them know how hard and sad pain and the torture often brought me to. Music was helpful and often just a good cry while I was driving. I was so very very emotional. and then they had to add all the crazy hormones and surgeries, I was a hot mess! Well....I am pregnant now, and I am often still a hot mess.
Let's see, my recent emotional breakdown. Work...I got so heated, I lashed out at one of the nicest people in the World. I went straight into her office afterwards and started balling and I swore..a lot. She is Catholic..a very religious women, so I am sure this was shocking for her. She is such an angel. I swear she missed her calling: mother Teresa! I love her so much. I am not too religious, but some of the very religious people in my life, have made me very happy when I am with them. Such patience, and love they have. Religious or not...they are just warm and loving people.
I think this post is a very strange random thought..so thanks for trying to keep up. I can hardly keep up with all my thoughts lately. I have been sad one minute, angry the next, excited the next, and frightened for the future the next. Sometimes these extreme emotions gets my heart beating pretty fast. I need to breathe. I thought maybe blogging would help..getting out some thoughts and maybe some of you have been going or have gone through such a crazy plethora of emotions.
1) angry- I think this must be from the lack of sleep. Waking up every hour to pee and hunger at 6 am is getting old. I have tried a few things. But nothing helped more than my doctor calming me down about sleeping on my back or my stomach. She said it is fine, as long as it does not hurt or my legs are going numb. Work has been a little stressful, the boss can be rude
2) scared- well the main thing right now: labor, and then how to deal with finances. I have no plan. Do I stay a few weeks or months at home. I am not financially secure to be a stay at home. You know, I just really wanted a baby, but had the idea that everything will work out. I know it all will work out, but there are so many items and things to think about. I am just really overwhelmed. I guess the biggest thing right now is in a few months we will start to look for a home. The price of our home is really important, since we need to think about other bills and daycare, and things like a dryer in home if I choose to save money for cloth diapers. I mean we live in northern California so, we can only afford a condo and all these condos do not have washer and dryers in homes. I can not imagine having to do laundry with a baby down stairs or what not..and that is another price as well. So yeah..I am completely stressed out about this issue. I could get a house, but it will be an old house, in not a great area. Who knows, I guess in a few months, I will be closer to finding the answer. I just wish I could be nesting and comfortable and ready to set up a nice room for my baby.
whoa..that was a mouthful! how about on to number 3!
3) happy- this is mainly what I feel. In my second trimester..I am energetic. I cleaned the house Yeah!!!! My husband was happy about this. I was sick and tired a lot during the first trimester. I am laughing a lot at home and at work. I think everyone is picking it up, sometimes I just giggle. Yesterday my husband and I started laughing so hard..I almost peed a little. He was making fun of the way I was walking. My butt( I think is growing at the speed of light) was sticking out when was walking. Okay. I am laughing right now...uncontrollably. oKay..hold on..give me a minute!!!
......
okay..I am okay now. I am not sure why I am walking weird. I went to the bathroom the other day, and I just was curious and looked at my butt in the mirror.
...
IT WAS HUGE!! I was shocked! A little embarrassed. I am walking around with this massive ass!!! OMG!!
okay..anyways..I have only gained one pound a week after the hormones ended:) I am proud of that and I am walking and eating pretty healthy. I am pregnant and I am going to gain weight..I have to get used to this!
this leads to number 4!
4) excitement- I am going to get bigger in the next three weeks. I am so excited to get a really big bump and in the next few weeks I get to feel my baby kick! AHHHHH!!! This is majorly keeping me in a good mood. No matter if I have a minute or two meltdown..I am anxiously awaiting my baby letting me know he is in there. I look at my belly more than 10 times a day. Yes..I am obsessed with my baby in there. I am confused and concerned at times. I do not feel anything..but I know he or she is in there. Oh..as for he or she..August 25th is the gender ultrasound!! So I have the names. I was thinking today and yesterday.I may keep it a surprise, from everyone except for hubby. Not sure if I have the strength to do that, but maybe it could be fun... I will keep the name a secret though..I think. I am pretty weak when it comes to secrets. I break pretty easily.
Alright..I better stop now..I could write more, but this is a lot for one post. I hope you all are having a nice relaxing weekend
Hugs
Let's see, my recent emotional breakdown. Work...I got so heated, I lashed out at one of the nicest people in the World. I went straight into her office afterwards and started balling and I swore..a lot. She is Catholic..a very religious women, so I am sure this was shocking for her. She is such an angel. I swear she missed her calling: mother Teresa! I love her so much. I am not too religious, but some of the very religious people in my life, have made me very happy when I am with them. Such patience, and love they have. Religious or not...they are just warm and loving people.
I think this post is a very strange random thought..so thanks for trying to keep up. I can hardly keep up with all my thoughts lately. I have been sad one minute, angry the next, excited the next, and frightened for the future the next. Sometimes these extreme emotions gets my heart beating pretty fast. I need to breathe. I thought maybe blogging would help..getting out some thoughts and maybe some of you have been going or have gone through such a crazy plethora of emotions.
1) angry- I think this must be from the lack of sleep. Waking up every hour to pee and hunger at 6 am is getting old. I have tried a few things. But nothing helped more than my doctor calming me down about sleeping on my back or my stomach. She said it is fine, as long as it does not hurt or my legs are going numb. Work has been a little stressful, the boss can be rude
2) scared- well the main thing right now: labor, and then how to deal with finances. I have no plan. Do I stay a few weeks or months at home. I am not financially secure to be a stay at home. You know, I just really wanted a baby, but had the idea that everything will work out. I know it all will work out, but there are so many items and things to think about. I am just really overwhelmed. I guess the biggest thing right now is in a few months we will start to look for a home. The price of our home is really important, since we need to think about other bills and daycare, and things like a dryer in home if I choose to save money for cloth diapers. I mean we live in northern California so, we can only afford a condo and all these condos do not have washer and dryers in homes. I can not imagine having to do laundry with a baby down stairs or what not..and that is another price as well. So yeah..I am completely stressed out about this issue. I could get a house, but it will be an old house, in not a great area. Who knows, I guess in a few months, I will be closer to finding the answer. I just wish I could be nesting and comfortable and ready to set up a nice room for my baby.
whoa..that was a mouthful! how about on to number 3!
3) happy- this is mainly what I feel. In my second trimester..I am energetic. I cleaned the house Yeah!!!! My husband was happy about this. I was sick and tired a lot during the first trimester. I am laughing a lot at home and at work. I think everyone is picking it up, sometimes I just giggle. Yesterday my husband and I started laughing so hard..I almost peed a little. He was making fun of the way I was walking. My butt( I think is growing at the speed of light) was sticking out when was walking. Okay. I am laughing right now...uncontrollably. oKay..hold on..give me a minute!!!
......
okay..I am okay now. I am not sure why I am walking weird. I went to the bathroom the other day, and I just was curious and looked at my butt in the mirror.
...
IT WAS HUGE!! I was shocked! A little embarrassed. I am walking around with this massive ass!!! OMG!!
okay..anyways..I have only gained one pound a week after the hormones ended:) I am proud of that and I am walking and eating pretty healthy. I am pregnant and I am going to gain weight..I have to get used to this!
this leads to number 4!
4) excitement- I am going to get bigger in the next three weeks. I am so excited to get a really big bump and in the next few weeks I get to feel my baby kick! AHHHHH!!! This is majorly keeping me in a good mood. No matter if I have a minute or two meltdown..I am anxiously awaiting my baby letting me know he is in there. I look at my belly more than 10 times a day. Yes..I am obsessed with my baby in there. I am confused and concerned at times. I do not feel anything..but I know he or she is in there. Oh..as for he or she..August 25th is the gender ultrasound!! So I have the names. I was thinking today and yesterday.I may keep it a surprise, from everyone except for hubby. Not sure if I have the strength to do that, but maybe it could be fun... I will keep the name a secret though..I think. I am pretty weak when it comes to secrets. I break pretty easily.
Alright..I better stop now..I could write more, but this is a lot for one post. I hope you all are having a nice relaxing weekend
Hugs
Sunday, July 31, 2011
Tomorrow I am 16 weeks!
How far along: tomorrow I Am 16 weeks! Whoa!!!
Baby is the size of: Avocado
Symptoms: I am so happy not to feel sick anymore. Ligament pain..especially if I sit too long and then get up. If I do not eat a little every one and a half hours, I actually feel sick and throw up. headaches often..but not seriously bad. Congestion and stuffy nose
Weight gain: well..I gained 10 pounds during the IVF process, but since getting pregnant..5 pounds. I have some guilt about this..trying to work through it. I fear gestational diabetes since I am overweight. SO far so good though. I walk at least 4 hours a week. Now that I have more energy..I will step it up.
Maternity clothes -none that I have bought. But my mom bought me a few shirts and a dress that is so comfortable. It makes me really look pregnant though.
Sleep: getting better..but still a lot of tossing and turning. I have been a stomach sleeper my whole life, and have never slept with a pillow. So now..that the books and doctors say to sleep on your side,...and best way to sleep is on the left side..it has been a struggle. I love falling asleep on my back and then when I start falling asleep, I turn on my stomach. So, for the first few months, I did not get any sleep..tossing and turning and freaking out when I would wake up on my back and of course the waking up to pee every hour. Now I have a better rhythm. I got a memory foam pillow( so comfortable)and I put a thin pillow between my knees. It is not perfect, but much better. I also need a window open because I wake up from overheating and can hardly breathe unless the window is open. This is new for me because I normally like the house roasting when I sleep.
Movement: Umm..not really. Can't really determine if it is gas or little movements from my little angel.
Cravings: pickles, olives, and cheese. Pesto has been good to. Anything cold and vinegary.
What I miss: sleeping on my stomach. and...Sex again. The hubby is scared of hurting the baby. I swear...frustrating. He is frightened. He is always asking what I am eating..he won't let me eat any fish..and he wakes me up every time he sees I am on my back. The other day he saw ambulance on the freeway and started calling me to make sure I was okay. I did not answer and he started freaking out. I think I need to reassure him I am okay a little more often. He is so worried. He loves me..very sweet..but the worrying is not good for his stress level.
Strangest moment: my husband says the conception. MY mom was in the room. Sorry..cracking up right now. Who can say their mother was in the room at conception! lol A doctor was too though....thank you UCSF IVF department! I thought it was beautiful!!! Okay...and the strange morning sickness during the first trimester. "oh honey I do not feel well"..next 10 seconds running to the bathroom. Seriously it just happens without a lot of warning.
Gender: not sure yet..we will find out August 25th!!!
What I look forward to: everything. Baby showers, finding out the gender! I have the names already and I can not wait until my belly really pops so I do not look like I am just chubby. I really can not wait to feel the baby kick! or hiccup.
Milestones: second trimester! Very happy. I got to tell everyone. That felt great.
I like these question answers..does anyone have anymore of these? They are kind of fun:)
I hope you all are having a fun and relaxing weekend.
Hugs,
Marilyn
Baby is the size of: Avocado
Symptoms: I am so happy not to feel sick anymore. Ligament pain..especially if I sit too long and then get up. If I do not eat a little every one and a half hours, I actually feel sick and throw up. headaches often..but not seriously bad. Congestion and stuffy nose
Weight gain: well..I gained 10 pounds during the IVF process, but since getting pregnant..5 pounds. I have some guilt about this..trying to work through it. I fear gestational diabetes since I am overweight. SO far so good though. I walk at least 4 hours a week. Now that I have more energy..I will step it up.
Maternity clothes -none that I have bought. But my mom bought me a few shirts and a dress that is so comfortable. It makes me really look pregnant though.
Sleep: getting better..but still a lot of tossing and turning. I have been a stomach sleeper my whole life, and have never slept with a pillow. So now..that the books and doctors say to sleep on your side,...and best way to sleep is on the left side..it has been a struggle. I love falling asleep on my back and then when I start falling asleep, I turn on my stomach. So, for the first few months, I did not get any sleep..tossing and turning and freaking out when I would wake up on my back and of course the waking up to pee every hour. Now I have a better rhythm. I got a memory foam pillow( so comfortable)and I put a thin pillow between my knees. It is not perfect, but much better. I also need a window open because I wake up from overheating and can hardly breathe unless the window is open. This is new for me because I normally like the house roasting when I sleep.
Movement: Umm..not really. Can't really determine if it is gas or little movements from my little angel.
Cravings: pickles, olives, and cheese. Pesto has been good to. Anything cold and vinegary.
What I miss: sleeping on my stomach. and...Sex again. The hubby is scared of hurting the baby. I swear...frustrating. He is frightened. He is always asking what I am eating..he won't let me eat any fish..and he wakes me up every time he sees I am on my back. The other day he saw ambulance on the freeway and started calling me to make sure I was okay. I did not answer and he started freaking out. I think I need to reassure him I am okay a little more often. He is so worried. He loves me..very sweet..but the worrying is not good for his stress level.
Strangest moment: my husband says the conception. MY mom was in the room. Sorry..cracking up right now. Who can say their mother was in the room at conception! lol A doctor was too though....thank you UCSF IVF department! I thought it was beautiful!!! Okay...and the strange morning sickness during the first trimester. "oh honey I do not feel well"..next 10 seconds running to the bathroom. Seriously it just happens without a lot of warning.
Gender: not sure yet..we will find out August 25th!!!
What I look forward to: everything. Baby showers, finding out the gender! I have the names already and I can not wait until my belly really pops so I do not look like I am just chubby. I really can not wait to feel the baby kick! or hiccup.
Milestones: second trimester! Very happy. I got to tell everyone. That felt great.
I like these question answers..does anyone have anymore of these? They are kind of fun:)
I hope you all are having a fun and relaxing weekend.
Hugs,
Marilyn
Friday, July 22, 2011
Crazy Pregnancy Symptoms
Now I remember why I started Blogging. Really because it is because of this community. YOU all have such wisdom, humor, and compassion. I have been struggling with lots of issues lately: My body image during this pregnancy( and well..since I was 10) fear of miscarriage and actually reading it hear often in our community( which makes me so sad and fearful. and angry), my hormonal rollercoaster from the extra hormones and the natural extra hormones from the pregnancy, the change of my job, and how I will be as a parent( financially, geographically, and emotionally).
The above issues need a couple posts each. But right now...I just want to talk about the BABY!!
AHHH.. I am so excited! The baby is alive and well. I guess I can not call it a baby..a fetus..because seriously..it is still developing..and it has a long way to go. But it looks way more like a baby at 14 weeks that at 9 weeks. It is so amazing how much development occurs from 9 to 14 weeks. And let me tell you..it is not like you do not feel it.
I am so shocked with these crazy symptoms that have been occurring. I am disappointed women throughout my life who have had babies do not talk about such issues. Like for instance:
-the ripping feeling you have as your uterus grows.
ouch!! seriously..ouch~ No warning or anything! I thought I was getting my period.
-and what about the bubbly feeling if I do not eat every hour. Bread and saltines..people..get a huge supply when you get pregnant!! Start buying it now!! Costco or the dollar store!
-from week 8 to 14- morning sickness. Do not drink water with food, do not eat tomato sauce( or limit)
make lots of dishes that are cold, instead of hot..the smell from hot food will not make you happy.
-celebrate when you hit the 13 week and the new symptom is stuffy nose. Trust me..it is a blessing because you stop gagging from any scent coming from a mile away!
-your skin is going to get dry....so go to the store and get your favorite scented lotions. Cucumber scent has been my favorite..I would have to put it on my hands as I passed the kitchen at work.
- my hormones made me( let's be real-- still make me) crazy. Especially if I am hungry or I let the hunger go to long and well...I become a monster.
Now in the second Trimester( 14 weeks)
I am not as emotional( thanks to no more PIO shots), and the morning sickness has subsided for the most part.
Here are some embarrassing symptoms...
-your boobs..what is up with the white bumps. Not sexy..at all!!
-The gassiness. Let's just say there is no control over here!!! I will just walk into the room, and boom! It happens! It is so embarrassing. My husband just stares at me..and gives me a look like..really? No warning? Yeah..no warning..don't give me that look mister!! Let's have you carry this growing baby! Beautiful baby..but it is actually growing inside me! Holy Shit!!
Yes..there are moments where everything is fine and I will be doing my thing, and all of a sudden I will come back to reality and get completely shocked..I have a growing freaking baby inside of me!! My eyes look all shocked and I start to breath heavily!! I have to calm myself from excitement and yes..a little fear. I tried to explain this fear to my husband, but he was like, you signed up for this! lol
He really needs to gain some sympathy!! Okay..he is pretty great. We go shopping, and I get everything under the sun..and some really random food like lots of pickles and olives. We get to the car and bring them home and I am so nervous the neighbors are going to see me with my little two bags, and my husband carrying 6 on each hand. I fear they will think I am lazy and spoiled. Okay..I am spoiled..but I am pregnant~ Right!?
Hmm..what else...let's see: I have grays! Yes..I am 33 and well..they have grown in! I think all my stress these last 4 years..have contributed to my growing grays:( But..I have decided I am not going to dye my hair. Everyone else will have to deal with it! If they do not like it ..go take a hike!! I would never say that..but I care more about my babies health than someone's vain attitude! Sorry..I am getting a little testy talking about this issue. I think it is because of my dad. Yes..I am blaming it on my dad. It is rare..but sometimes it must be done. He came into the office about a month ago and announced to the office I "had to dye my hair..I could not walk around with gray hair." I was humiliated. I actually get humiliated by him often. He is not one of those sweet dad's who spoiled me. We never were close. That is for another post.
So..that is that! I better get back to work:)
Hugs
The above issues need a couple posts each. But right now...I just want to talk about the BABY!!
AHHH.. I am so excited! The baby is alive and well. I guess I can not call it a baby..a fetus..because seriously..it is still developing..and it has a long way to go. But it looks way more like a baby at 14 weeks that at 9 weeks. It is so amazing how much development occurs from 9 to 14 weeks. And let me tell you..it is not like you do not feel it.
I am so shocked with these crazy symptoms that have been occurring. I am disappointed women throughout my life who have had babies do not talk about such issues. Like for instance:
-the ripping feeling you have as your uterus grows.
ouch!! seriously..ouch~ No warning or anything! I thought I was getting my period.
-and what about the bubbly feeling if I do not eat every hour. Bread and saltines..people..get a huge supply when you get pregnant!! Start buying it now!! Costco or the dollar store!
-from week 8 to 14- morning sickness. Do not drink water with food, do not eat tomato sauce( or limit)
make lots of dishes that are cold, instead of hot..the smell from hot food will not make you happy.
-celebrate when you hit the 13 week and the new symptom is stuffy nose. Trust me..it is a blessing because you stop gagging from any scent coming from a mile away!
-your skin is going to get dry....so go to the store and get your favorite scented lotions. Cucumber scent has been my favorite..I would have to put it on my hands as I passed the kitchen at work.
- my hormones made me( let's be real-- still make me) crazy. Especially if I am hungry or I let the hunger go to long and well...I become a monster.
Now in the second Trimester( 14 weeks)
I am not as emotional( thanks to no more PIO shots), and the morning sickness has subsided for the most part.
Here are some embarrassing symptoms...
-your boobs..what is up with the white bumps. Not sexy..at all!!
-The gassiness. Let's just say there is no control over here!!! I will just walk into the room, and boom! It happens! It is so embarrassing. My husband just stares at me..and gives me a look like..really? No warning? Yeah..no warning..don't give me that look mister!! Let's have you carry this growing baby! Beautiful baby..but it is actually growing inside me! Holy Shit!!
Yes..there are moments where everything is fine and I will be doing my thing, and all of a sudden I will come back to reality and get completely shocked..I have a growing freaking baby inside of me!! My eyes look all shocked and I start to breath heavily!! I have to calm myself from excitement and yes..a little fear. I tried to explain this fear to my husband, but he was like, you signed up for this! lol
He really needs to gain some sympathy!! Okay..he is pretty great. We go shopping, and I get everything under the sun..and some really random food like lots of pickles and olives. We get to the car and bring them home and I am so nervous the neighbors are going to see me with my little two bags, and my husband carrying 6 on each hand. I fear they will think I am lazy and spoiled. Okay..I am spoiled..but I am pregnant~ Right!?
Hmm..what else...let's see: I have grays! Yes..I am 33 and well..they have grown in! I think all my stress these last 4 years..have contributed to my growing grays:( But..I have decided I am not going to dye my hair. Everyone else will have to deal with it! If they do not like it ..go take a hike!! I would never say that..but I care more about my babies health than someone's vain attitude! Sorry..I am getting a little testy talking about this issue. I think it is because of my dad. Yes..I am blaming it on my dad. It is rare..but sometimes it must be done. He came into the office about a month ago and announced to the office I "had to dye my hair..I could not walk around with gray hair." I was humiliated. I actually get humiliated by him often. He is not one of those sweet dad's who spoiled me. We never were close. That is for another post.
So..that is that! I better get back to work:)
Hugs
Thursday, July 14, 2011
Can I say I told you so!
I am feeling so relaxed from a nice 5 day vacation in the redwoods. I got an awesome massage( prenatal massage by a doula) and went to a beautiful ocean view wedding, ate lots of ice cream(cinnamon) and spent a great time just relaxing and had no drama and of course no shots! Yayayya me!!!
Okay..here is the I told you so:
A few months back..I believe I wrote about a friend of mine who always has to one up me. Here is the back story without wasting too much time: She always has to do what I am doing to prove in some way she does it better. I went to college, she followed along,.to every school I went. I picked a degree, she would follow my footsteps. I would like a certain band, music, or anything you name it..and she would like it. I never noticed it. But when I would go and see her, I started feeling I was defensive. I would have conversations with her and well...I would feel I would just shut up because she had to tell me how great she was doing..for 30 minutes. This increased to a more negative path slowly during the last 15 years. I love her dearly as a sister, but I absolutely have been very disappointed in what I get from the friendship, which is nothing. because this is how she plays it, If I am doing better( in her mind) she will not talk to me for a couple of months) this is not a healthy pattern. I would get so hurt. Why ignore me, especially during my whole year with IVF. MY other friends were right there for me..and I have been there for them. But this one friend, if she is having a hard time, she will not talk with me. It drives me crazy. So a couple months ago before I became pregnant she says she and her husband started trying for a baby. I told my husband when we started trying that she was going to try to have a baby too, before me.This was my fear. While I was in the middle of IVF, she says, they were trying and if it did not work they would adopt. Okay, normally in a normal situation I would be hoping and praying for her. But for 15 years that I have known this couple they both said they hate kids and they would never have kids! Now!
Now!!! They want kids. Okay,...so while I was in the middle of IVF, her husband loses his job, has a heart attack, and she says to me, I can not discuss these issues, and I just need time to figure out what we are going to do..but do not call me. So I don't.
Today after two and a half months of not hearing from her, I decided to text her. I really needed a friend. I found out that my husband her has two slipped discs and has been suffering from them for 6 months got an MRI and saw a specialist. Good: it will take 6months to a year to heal..no surgery. Bad: the upper disc is by the brain and if irritated enough could create a stroke. Low percentage but it could happen. I kind of freaked out when I heard that!!!
I texted her this..she said oh I am so sorry...I have more news, I am pregnant with twins!
Okay..tell me I am not nuts! Should I even waste my time beings friends with a person trying to one up while I am in need of friendship and comfort.
Sorry this is so long, but it is just on my mind. Thank you if you even had the patience to get through half of this blog post.
Hugs:
Okay..here is the I told you so:
A few months back..I believe I wrote about a friend of mine who always has to one up me. Here is the back story without wasting too much time: She always has to do what I am doing to prove in some way she does it better. I went to college, she followed along,.to every school I went. I picked a degree, she would follow my footsteps. I would like a certain band, music, or anything you name it..and she would like it. I never noticed it. But when I would go and see her, I started feeling I was defensive. I would have conversations with her and well...I would feel I would just shut up because she had to tell me how great she was doing..for 30 minutes. This increased to a more negative path slowly during the last 15 years. I love her dearly as a sister, but I absolutely have been very disappointed in what I get from the friendship, which is nothing. because this is how she plays it, If I am doing better( in her mind) she will not talk to me for a couple of months) this is not a healthy pattern. I would get so hurt. Why ignore me, especially during my whole year with IVF. MY other friends were right there for me..and I have been there for them. But this one friend, if she is having a hard time, she will not talk with me. It drives me crazy. So a couple months ago before I became pregnant she says she and her husband started trying for a baby. I told my husband when we started trying that she was going to try to have a baby too, before me.This was my fear. While I was in the middle of IVF, she says, they were trying and if it did not work they would adopt. Okay, normally in a normal situation I would be hoping and praying for her. But for 15 years that I have known this couple they both said they hate kids and they would never have kids! Now!
Now!!! They want kids. Okay,...so while I was in the middle of IVF, her husband loses his job, has a heart attack, and she says to me, I can not discuss these issues, and I just need time to figure out what we are going to do..but do not call me. So I don't.
Today after two and a half months of not hearing from her, I decided to text her. I really needed a friend. I found out that my husband her has two slipped discs and has been suffering from them for 6 months got an MRI and saw a specialist. Good: it will take 6months to a year to heal..no surgery. Bad: the upper disc is by the brain and if irritated enough could create a stroke. Low percentage but it could happen. I kind of freaked out when I heard that!!!
I texted her this..she said oh I am so sorry...I have more news, I am pregnant with twins!
Okay..tell me I am not nuts! Should I even waste my time beings friends with a person trying to one up while I am in need of friendship and comfort.
Sorry this is so long, but it is just on my mind. Thank you if you even had the patience to get through half of this blog post.
Hugs:
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
Last Pio Shot!!
Last night was my last PIO Shot!! I can not believe it!! I am done!! I have done 67 PIO shots!! That is 22 gauge 1 &1/2 inch needles every night! 92 days of shots, and a total of 96 shots altogether! I am so proud and I really think us girls going through such an event should get an award!! I am so happy. I really think it has not sunk in yet. Last night was the last shot....and I went out for ice cream afterwards. I do not know what it is about a plain cone with one scoop of ice cream..mint chocolate chip or french vanilla, but I am in just heaven when I get my ice cream! Taking a break from it tonight and the next couple days, I went a little overboard the last couple days:)..My husband just said he wants to go out for ice cream again! uh oh!! :)
A little TMI: so here is the warning..................................................................................
I finally after three months( yes..I said three months) of no sex at all: did it!!! woohoo!!! Pretty awesome stuff!!! I highly recommend this fun activity. I was a little scared about the orgasm because I read the uterus contracts after an orgasm..but all was well:)
anyways..hehehhe
I am 12 weeks so I gave myself permission to tell: everybody. it turns out..my mom has told most of them. I am kind of perturbed about this, but it is what it is. I did not get pregnant for them, I got pregnant for me and my husband. I just will not be telling her anymore fun details. Like the gender, or when I am in labor! Yeah! no....I will tell her: she just can not help herself. She likes the gossip.
But, I got to tell all my friends on facebook and they were all surprised. I got to tell my childhood friends, and that was fun and I got calls from them with excitement in their voices. That was priceless:)
Symptoms: more dizzy and tired! Really tired!!!
I can not wait to start commenting! How is everybody!!!?
A little TMI: so here is the warning..................................................................................
I finally after three months( yes..I said three months) of no sex at all: did it!!! woohoo!!! Pretty awesome stuff!!! I highly recommend this fun activity. I was a little scared about the orgasm because I read the uterus contracts after an orgasm..but all was well:)
anyways..hehehhe
I am 12 weeks so I gave myself permission to tell: everybody. it turns out..my mom has told most of them. I am kind of perturbed about this, but it is what it is. I did not get pregnant for them, I got pregnant for me and my husband. I just will not be telling her anymore fun details. Like the gender, or when I am in labor! Yeah! no....I will tell her: she just can not help herself. She likes the gossip.
But, I got to tell all my friends on facebook and they were all surprised. I got to tell my childhood friends, and that was fun and I got calls from them with excitement in their voices. That was priceless:)
Symptoms: more dizzy and tired! Really tired!!!
I can not wait to start commenting! How is everybody!!!?
Saturday, June 25, 2011
wacky Dreams and 10 more days of PIO
I have to say I have been having weird dreams. And dare I say it...sex dreams! Yes..they say pregnant ladies..we get a lot of sex dreams. do not ask me why..but it is happening..full force. hmm..it could be because this week marks three whole months my husband nor I have been able to bring me to the big fat O! Yes! I am talking about sex..orgasm...being pleased! It is not happening in my house!! This really sucks! but!
Let me explain why- during my ivf- I was not in the mood- during the 2 week wait and 2 weeks after..the doctors never said- go for it. So I just decided I would wait until the first trimester. Then I had spotting and all the doctors said wait two or three weeks. So..it is official..we wait for the first trimester and then go crazy! well..not too crazy...let me just say one more thing: in two weeks.I get to got on vacation with my husband- it will be the mark of when we can "do it" lol hahaha but..we are staying in a b&b where my husbands whole family will be. Our room may jsut be right next to his grandma or mom! Not happening! This sucks!!
..
....
it is not as bad as I thought it would be. I am not saying I do not like sex or to be intimate in that way with my husband and friend of more than 15 years. I met him in my junior year of High school..and I still think he is hot! :)
it is just that I feel pregnant...most of the time. that means..bloated..chubby, morning sickness fun, fatigue, overemotional from the natural hormones, plus the extra ones from IVF..10 more days of PIO.
That reminds me:
10 MORE DAYS OF PIO!!!!! HURRAY!!
yes..I am facebooking the countdown too. I have not announced it on facebook..but about 4 of my friends on facebook know..and I message them and they root for me. I have been thinking about announcing it on facebook on the 12th week. How have some of you told facebook. There are a few things I am thinking about:
1) what about the women and men who are infertile
2) should I announce it is from IVF- I am proud of this community: or do some people have bad reactions and judgements
3) of course plenty of people will not care..but they should just unfriend me if they do not care:)
well. just writing this..makes me feel guilty! I swear: I annoy myself with my own neurotic tendencies- and this IVF has not helped at all. I feel( irrational or not) if I think about telling people( I have about 1 and 1/2 weeks left until I hit 12 weeks)- this can make it not true..or something could happen..a jinx. I really wonder when I can truly get excited about this pregnancy!
I am excited: I wonder about daycare, holding my baby at night..setting up the room, how I will parent, going for walks, family dinners, all the cute faces and moments I will be blessed to be a part of..but I only half go there. because always in the back of my mind is, ....could I really achieve this...will I get to have a healthy baby. All along the way with this pregnancy..there have been doctors and books to say something could happen to my baby.
1) IVF= only a 50 % chance
2) getting pregnant- miscarriage
3) while pregnant- gestational diabetes- and all the foods to watch
4) the baby could have some horrible disease
I have never spoken- or I do not think I have spoken yet on this blog about why the fear of deformities or disease for my baby scares me more than anything.
Well...my husband is very special to me and has no emotional or mental problems. But he was born without breathing. And then within a small amount of time..he breathed..but his birth certificate said died. Then he came back alive..and for weeks he had so many surgeries on his little body. He has Vaters: a disease that thank god is not from his genes genetic. But..he has some bodily deformities and has suffered a lot in his life. He really wanted me to get all the down syndrome and disease tests..but I said no. You get these tests at about 15 weeks. and what..I get the test..which only gives a percentage- and then what. He did not get mad when we had the conversation. Because he is a wonderful, smart, and very patient and understanding husband. He knows I understand his great fear that his baby may have the same pain that he had..but he respects my decision that I would never abort this child.
So...on August 25th ...we are going for a second level sonogram. This will be a time when they will do their best to see the sex, and to see if there are any deformities. I am praying everything goes okay. I have this feeling that everything will be 100% perfect.
There is a lot to think about when you get pregnant. I guess for so long..I just wanted to get pregnant. I worked so hard to get here...and now..I am so blessed to have this support for all of you and my family and husband... I guess..I still need support..just for a different area...pregnancy..how am i going to raise this baby: financially..and how am I going to be as a parent. Will I work...for how long will i take off..what about daycare. I need to slow down...I am overworking myself. okay...took a deep breathe.. I should stop now..this is enough for now.
Do any of you have the same questions or fears?
So, I have been reading many of your posts..and I will catch up on my comments!!
Let me explain why- during my ivf- I was not in the mood- during the 2 week wait and 2 weeks after..the doctors never said- go for it. So I just decided I would wait until the first trimester. Then I had spotting and all the doctors said wait two or three weeks. So..it is official..we wait for the first trimester and then go crazy! well..not too crazy...let me just say one more thing: in two weeks.I get to got on vacation with my husband- it will be the mark of when we can "do it" lol hahaha but..we are staying in a b&b where my husbands whole family will be. Our room may jsut be right next to his grandma or mom! Not happening! This sucks!!
..
....
it is not as bad as I thought it would be. I am not saying I do not like sex or to be intimate in that way with my husband and friend of more than 15 years. I met him in my junior year of High school..and I still think he is hot! :)
it is just that I feel pregnant...most of the time. that means..bloated..chubby, morning sickness fun, fatigue, overemotional from the natural hormones, plus the extra ones from IVF..10 more days of PIO.
That reminds me:
10 MORE DAYS OF PIO!!!!! HURRAY!!
yes..I am facebooking the countdown too. I have not announced it on facebook..but about 4 of my friends on facebook know..and I message them and they root for me. I have been thinking about announcing it on facebook on the 12th week. How have some of you told facebook. There are a few things I am thinking about:
1) what about the women and men who are infertile
2) should I announce it is from IVF- I am proud of this community: or do some people have bad reactions and judgements
3) of course plenty of people will not care..but they should just unfriend me if they do not care:)
well. just writing this..makes me feel guilty! I swear: I annoy myself with my own neurotic tendencies- and this IVF has not helped at all. I feel( irrational or not) if I think about telling people( I have about 1 and 1/2 weeks left until I hit 12 weeks)- this can make it not true..or something could happen..a jinx. I really wonder when I can truly get excited about this pregnancy!
I am excited: I wonder about daycare, holding my baby at night..setting up the room, how I will parent, going for walks, family dinners, all the cute faces and moments I will be blessed to be a part of..but I only half go there. because always in the back of my mind is, ....could I really achieve this...will I get to have a healthy baby. All along the way with this pregnancy..there have been doctors and books to say something could happen to my baby.
1) IVF= only a 50 % chance
2) getting pregnant- miscarriage
3) while pregnant- gestational diabetes- and all the foods to watch
4) the baby could have some horrible disease
I have never spoken- or I do not think I have spoken yet on this blog about why the fear of deformities or disease for my baby scares me more than anything.
Well...my husband is very special to me and has no emotional or mental problems. But he was born without breathing. And then within a small amount of time..he breathed..but his birth certificate said died. Then he came back alive..and for weeks he had so many surgeries on his little body. He has Vaters: a disease that thank god is not from his genes genetic. But..he has some bodily deformities and has suffered a lot in his life. He really wanted me to get all the down syndrome and disease tests..but I said no. You get these tests at about 15 weeks. and what..I get the test..which only gives a percentage- and then what. He did not get mad when we had the conversation. Because he is a wonderful, smart, and very patient and understanding husband. He knows I understand his great fear that his baby may have the same pain that he had..but he respects my decision that I would never abort this child.
So...on August 25th ...we are going for a second level sonogram. This will be a time when they will do their best to see the sex, and to see if there are any deformities. I am praying everything goes okay. I have this feeling that everything will be 100% perfect.
There is a lot to think about when you get pregnant. I guess for so long..I just wanted to get pregnant. I worked so hard to get here...and now..I am so blessed to have this support for all of you and my family and husband... I guess..I still need support..just for a different area...pregnancy..how am i going to raise this baby: financially..and how am I going to be as a parent. Will I work...for how long will i take off..what about daycare. I need to slow down...I am overworking myself. okay...took a deep breathe.. I should stop now..this is enough for now.
Do any of you have the same questions or fears?
So, I have been reading many of your posts..and I will catch up on my comments!!
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
Welcome June ICLW
Oh These Crazy Hormones!! Here is a vent!!
my count down to 13 more PIO Shots!!! yayayay!!!
I can not believe it is June..the end of June already! I feel so overwhelmed and like life is just flying by! As I sit here writing this post..I am one day short..well..now one hour away from being 10 weeks! How cool is that! I am so excited. I thought..I am going to be crafty because I am going to be a mommy. That did not work out so well. I have never been the crafty girl, nor the Martha Stewart kind of woman either. But, I can knit a scarf. I have been very successful at being able to give them as gifts. So for the last month..I have been knitting this scarf. But last night..I noticed in the middle( mind you the scarf is very long..almost done) there was a mess up. I was so bummed..I had to take it all a part. Oh well.. I have to just give in and think of it as practice. Maybe a scarf was not meant to be. I have been thinking to myself..while making this scarf I want to make little socks for my baby. I just need to learn how. This is my new mission.
Another thing: my morning sickness has gone away. I feel good about this..because the room has stopped spinning..but..why has the sickness disappeared. I tell you..I am always worrying about something. The spotting happened once more this Sunday. That really sucks. I think I may have this spotting throughout my whole pregnancy..so I have to calm down about all the fears I have.
Fears:
I am going to lose my baby
any pain I have..I fear it is the end
I will not get the chance to tell all my friends and family that I am pregnant
I fear I will get Gestational Diabetes_ I am going to get tested tomorrow:(
Body Image:
This is hard. I went to my first prenatal appointment..I GAINED 10 POUNDS!!!
Okay...this was very very hard for me to realize. I am overweight..that is just the fact. but before I started IVf...I tried my hardest to lose weight so I could have a healthy pregnancy. I worked so hard..I lost 35 pounds. Still being a little over weight...I was getting to be very healthy. Once I started the hormones..they said I may gain 5 to 10 pounds. Well..now reality has sunken in: 10 pounds. I need to work really hard on not gaining more than 1/2 pound a week now. I guess that is what the books say. The other thing is just the body image. I have a tendency to compare myself to other women. I hate this part of me. I have always had a bad body image. And now..I look bigger than a lot of the women in the same stage of pregnancy as I am. I have always been heavier than average..this is just another time...but it never does get easier.
As for friends: I love my blogging buddies and most of my friends have been there for me through this whole process. There is just one friend....she is not even taking my calls. I understand she has said things have been going on in her life that are tough..but I have other friends who have things tough in their life..but we are all there for each other. What kind of "friend" is not there for their friend of more than a decade. I think I need to just let her go...because through out the past 4 years...I really do not get anything from the friendship. It is like a push and pull with her. Some times she will call..and things will be all fine..and she will call maybe once a week or once a month. Then all of a sudden..life is so dramatic that she will not take calls or call me for months at a time. It is not an equal friendship. she is way too absorbed in her life. I know for sure I can get self- absorbed..but I always make myself available for my friends if life is hard or they need a congratulation.
I just feel like I have known her for more than 10 year..she is like a sister. Or maybe I just need to step back..and realize she is not able to deal with her problems or life the way I do and give her some space. it is just that I get attached and then she builds a wall. it is very painful. But I do understand that is how her mother treated her. I feel like I am giving her excuses..but I understand how she operates..it is just very very irritating.
Anyways...I feel lately like I have been super moody..and irritable. Everything..well..almost everything irritates me. It could be because I am not getting to sleep until 1:30am. Waking up at 3am because I have to pee..and then tossing and turning until I have to get up for work.
Okay..one more vent: Someone..very close to me..a family member called me out on Father's day. I am very very upset. I wish I could go more into the details..but the details are very personal to this specific part of my family circle. Let's just say...this one person has been using drugs. and my mom and I tried to help him and his family stop drugs through rehab, take care of their kid..help the wife with enabling. Until..they all just quit trying. After a couple months, of supporting them. And When I say support, I mean every day..night and day..talking to them on the phone, going over to the house to talk them out of leaving rehab, or suicide, major life changes, being a shoulder for them to cry, vent, brainstorm ideas. MY mom and I were completely 100% their biggest cheerleaders. But then,..because the husband decided..no he wanted to start drugs again...there was nothing my mom and I could do. They stopped calling, got mad at my mom for insane reasons. Just drive to my mom's work to drop off the baby..and then not show up. Basically..after months of trying to help them.....every day..they thought that they could just go back to using drugs, enabling her husband who is a major addict..and think they could waste out time...was painful..and well..we just refused to be taken advantage of. Now it has been a few months since they have spoken to my mom. They do not talk with with me..except for a sentence here and there about congrats on being pregnant. So there we are on Father's day..and they are just talking so bad about my mom: in front of me. I was defending her the best I could...but then after I pointed out there would not be a problem if your husband did not use drugs. She said oh no, he only smokes weed..he is pot head. I said..no he told my mom he has been using cocaine too. She said. well. yeah.. but only here and there.
right then and there I wanted to scream...Denial!!!
I refrained myself.
But then she went off on me..saying your mother is controlling and controls everything you and your husband does. This is when I am positive my face was very very bright red. You know..I got a little flustered because I was shocked she was going there..
but the next day( today) I am so freaking pissed! I am pissed at the fact that she made me question my relationship with my mom. And I think when she said that and I was defending myself... her husband came out and they were smiling at each other as if they were enjoying themselves. I am so livid!!
I have never blogged like this when I have been angry..but I have to get this out!!! I am not conrolled by my mom. I am very blessed to work in the family business with her, and she has helped me pay for the whole IVF process...but I should not feel guilty for this. How dare she say that my mom controls me..you know..she really does not know me. She is a cold, bitter women, who is not happy in her marriage because her husband does drugs..and maybe in a few days..I will actually feel bad for her. But for right now...I am done with her. Family or not..she insulted me. And when I asked her how my mom controls me..she said well..when you go out to eat..you ask you what to eat. This is completely false. My husband said when he heard this..he thought she completely has no idea what she is talking about. I just laughed and said anything else. She said with money. I said..well..I am very thankful and appreciative she has helped me with money..but how is that controlling. Anyways...it is just very sad. Because again..I thought I had a warm, supportive relationship with this women. Now I know, I do not. She is judgemental, cold, and way too sensitive. A few people have warned me about her., but I wanted to give her a chance. I really tried to look over her rudeness to everybody..now..that she has attacked me...I am not going to try anymore.
I guess this is a venting post. I am sorry.. I try to be all positive here: but this is me right now. I am sure tomorrow I will be singing a happier tune. I should probably get some rest. I am sure..tomorrow after reading this I may need to delete my angry post..or I may learn something from this.
Good night all
my count down to 13 more PIO Shots!!! yayayay!!!
I can not believe it is June..the end of June already! I feel so overwhelmed and like life is just flying by! As I sit here writing this post..I am one day short..well..now one hour away from being 10 weeks! How cool is that! I am so excited. I thought..I am going to be crafty because I am going to be a mommy. That did not work out so well. I have never been the crafty girl, nor the Martha Stewart kind of woman either. But, I can knit a scarf. I have been very successful at being able to give them as gifts. So for the last month..I have been knitting this scarf. But last night..I noticed in the middle( mind you the scarf is very long..almost done) there was a mess up. I was so bummed..I had to take it all a part. Oh well.. I have to just give in and think of it as practice. Maybe a scarf was not meant to be. I have been thinking to myself..while making this scarf I want to make little socks for my baby. I just need to learn how. This is my new mission.
Another thing: my morning sickness has gone away. I feel good about this..because the room has stopped spinning..but..why has the sickness disappeared. I tell you..I am always worrying about something. The spotting happened once more this Sunday. That really sucks. I think I may have this spotting throughout my whole pregnancy..so I have to calm down about all the fears I have.
Fears:
I am going to lose my baby
any pain I have..I fear it is the end
I will not get the chance to tell all my friends and family that I am pregnant
I fear I will get Gestational Diabetes_ I am going to get tested tomorrow:(
Body Image:
This is hard. I went to my first prenatal appointment..I GAINED 10 POUNDS!!!
Okay...this was very very hard for me to realize. I am overweight..that is just the fact. but before I started IVf...I tried my hardest to lose weight so I could have a healthy pregnancy. I worked so hard..I lost 35 pounds. Still being a little over weight...I was getting to be very healthy. Once I started the hormones..they said I may gain 5 to 10 pounds. Well..now reality has sunken in: 10 pounds. I need to work really hard on not gaining more than 1/2 pound a week now. I guess that is what the books say. The other thing is just the body image. I have a tendency to compare myself to other women. I hate this part of me. I have always had a bad body image. And now..I look bigger than a lot of the women in the same stage of pregnancy as I am. I have always been heavier than average..this is just another time...but it never does get easier.
As for friends: I love my blogging buddies and most of my friends have been there for me through this whole process. There is just one friend....she is not even taking my calls. I understand she has said things have been going on in her life that are tough..but I have other friends who have things tough in their life..but we are all there for each other. What kind of "friend" is not there for their friend of more than a decade. I think I need to just let her go...because through out the past 4 years...I really do not get anything from the friendship. It is like a push and pull with her. Some times she will call..and things will be all fine..and she will call maybe once a week or once a month. Then all of a sudden..life is so dramatic that she will not take calls or call me for months at a time. It is not an equal friendship. she is way too absorbed in her life. I know for sure I can get self- absorbed..but I always make myself available for my friends if life is hard or they need a congratulation.
I just feel like I have known her for more than 10 year..she is like a sister. Or maybe I just need to step back..and realize she is not able to deal with her problems or life the way I do and give her some space. it is just that I get attached and then she builds a wall. it is very painful. But I do understand that is how her mother treated her. I feel like I am giving her excuses..but I understand how she operates..it is just very very irritating.
Anyways...I feel lately like I have been super moody..and irritable. Everything..well..almost everything irritates me. It could be because I am not getting to sleep until 1:30am. Waking up at 3am because I have to pee..and then tossing and turning until I have to get up for work.
Okay..one more vent: Someone..very close to me..a family member called me out on Father's day. I am very very upset. I wish I could go more into the details..but the details are very personal to this specific part of my family circle. Let's just say...this one person has been using drugs. and my mom and I tried to help him and his family stop drugs through rehab, take care of their kid..help the wife with enabling. Until..they all just quit trying. After a couple months, of supporting them. And When I say support, I mean every day..night and day..talking to them on the phone, going over to the house to talk them out of leaving rehab, or suicide, major life changes, being a shoulder for them to cry, vent, brainstorm ideas. MY mom and I were completely 100% their biggest cheerleaders. But then,..because the husband decided..no he wanted to start drugs again...there was nothing my mom and I could do. They stopped calling, got mad at my mom for insane reasons. Just drive to my mom's work to drop off the baby..and then not show up. Basically..after months of trying to help them.....every day..they thought that they could just go back to using drugs, enabling her husband who is a major addict..and think they could waste out time...was painful..and well..we just refused to be taken advantage of. Now it has been a few months since they have spoken to my mom. They do not talk with with me..except for a sentence here and there about congrats on being pregnant. So there we are on Father's day..and they are just talking so bad about my mom: in front of me. I was defending her the best I could...but then after I pointed out there would not be a problem if your husband did not use drugs. She said oh no, he only smokes weed..he is pot head. I said..no he told my mom he has been using cocaine too. She said. well. yeah.. but only here and there.
right then and there I wanted to scream...Denial!!!
I refrained myself.
But then she went off on me..saying your mother is controlling and controls everything you and your husband does. This is when I am positive my face was very very bright red. You know..I got a little flustered because I was shocked she was going there..
but the next day( today) I am so freaking pissed! I am pissed at the fact that she made me question my relationship with my mom. And I think when she said that and I was defending myself... her husband came out and they were smiling at each other as if they were enjoying themselves. I am so livid!!
I have never blogged like this when I have been angry..but I have to get this out!!! I am not conrolled by my mom. I am very blessed to work in the family business with her, and she has helped me pay for the whole IVF process...but I should not feel guilty for this. How dare she say that my mom controls me..you know..she really does not know me. She is a cold, bitter women, who is not happy in her marriage because her husband does drugs..and maybe in a few days..I will actually feel bad for her. But for right now...I am done with her. Family or not..she insulted me. And when I asked her how my mom controls me..she said well..when you go out to eat..you ask you what to eat. This is completely false. My husband said when he heard this..he thought she completely has no idea what she is talking about. I just laughed and said anything else. She said with money. I said..well..I am very thankful and appreciative she has helped me with money..but how is that controlling. Anyways...it is just very sad. Because again..I thought I had a warm, supportive relationship with this women. Now I know, I do not. She is judgemental, cold, and way too sensitive. A few people have warned me about her., but I wanted to give her a chance. I really tried to look over her rudeness to everybody..now..that she has attacked me...I am not going to try anymore.
I guess this is a venting post. I am sorry.. I try to be all positive here: but this is me right now. I am sure tomorrow I will be singing a happier tune. I should probably get some rest. I am sure..tomorrow after reading this I may need to delete my angry post..or I may learn something from this.
Good night all
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
There is a Heartbeat!
Yes..there is a strong heart beat!! I have a growing strong baby growing inside me!! MY OB/GYN is so great. She calls me and says "are you alright? did you get an ultra sound?" I said no. She said.."I have appointments, but please come in. I am sure this is so overwhelming for you...and I will not be able to eat my lunch with out knowing if everything is okay. Come in and we will cry together or laugh and do the happy dance." I laughed..she made me laughed..that is why I so appreciate her. I picked up my husband from work and we drove through San Francisco like crazy to get there in 15 minutes.
She came in..and My husband loves her too. After going through UCSF clinic..most of the experience was so awkward..and we were not treated like humans..except for Dr Fujimoto( one of his assistants were good too) but my OBGYN...is just warm..and calm..and patient. we laughed and took home pictures of our baby.
I can breathe now!!! I am getting a doppler tonight. Do any of you any good one to buy?
Thanks for all your support:)
She came in..and My husband loves her too. After going through UCSF clinic..most of the experience was so awkward..and we were not treated like humans..except for Dr Fujimoto( one of his assistants were good too) but my OBGYN...is just warm..and calm..and patient. we laughed and took home pictures of our baby.
I can breathe now!!! I am getting a doppler tonight. Do any of you any good one to buy?
Thanks for all your support:)
Spotting And ER Visit
This morning at 4:30am I went to the bathroom and I went to the bathroom. I wiped and did my usual inspection. There was blood. I thought I was having another dream. I had a dream just last week that I saw blood. it was just like my dream, but I was awake. I went into the bedroom and told my husband, there is blood. I tried to remain calm, because all the books say during this part of the first trimester, there may be some spotting. So I tried to sleep, but that was so not happening. I grabbed my phone and had to check if Clewis was pregnant....she is YAY!!!! please congratulate her,.....I am so happy for her!!
I tried to go to sleep after commented and congratulating Clewis, but i had to go and check if there was more blood. I went..and there was. This is when I lost it. I started crying and my husband just kept on saying this is normal, but call the doctor. I did, and they said, this may be normal or could be the start of a miscarriage..so go to your nearest ER.
We went, and I have never been so stressed. There was no talking in the car or on the wait. I just wanted to know if i couldsee my baby is still alive.
Bottom line, the doctor came in. No ultra sound. I was furious..he could only see if my cervix was closed. The Cervix is closed..but no ultrasound.
UNBELIEVABLE!
I have to wait for my doctor to call me today, I guess i will have to wait!
wait to see if this is a miscarriage..
wait to see more blood
wait to see if I am in more pain
Wait for my ultrasound on Thursday.
I just feel okay...I am hoping and praying this is just normal spotting. Why the heck am I spotting, I still do not understand. I am really angry right now..and wish I has some answers!!!
I tried to go to sleep after commented and congratulating Clewis, but i had to go and check if there was more blood. I went..and there was. This is when I lost it. I started crying and my husband just kept on saying this is normal, but call the doctor. I did, and they said, this may be normal or could be the start of a miscarriage..so go to your nearest ER.
We went, and I have never been so stressed. There was no talking in the car or on the wait. I just wanted to know if i couldsee my baby is still alive.
Bottom line, the doctor came in. No ultra sound. I was furious..he could only see if my cervix was closed. The Cervix is closed..but no ultrasound.
UNBELIEVABLE!
I have to wait for my doctor to call me today, I guess i will have to wait!
wait to see if this is a miscarriage..
wait to see more blood
wait to see if I am in more pain
Wait for my ultrasound on Thursday.
I just feel okay...I am hoping and praying this is just normal spotting. Why the heck am I spotting, I still do not understand. I am really angry right now..and wish I has some answers!!!
Monday, June 13, 2011
Some random thoughts
Tonight at 9pm I will be taking my last estradiol pill. I have been taking it for about two months. I feel really excited to not hear the alarm on my phone telling me at 9am and 9pm to swallow this pill (which I believe is giving me some pretty high emotions). But I am also really kind of nervous. I had a dream a few nights ago that when I went to the bathroom, there was a little blood. I was all kinds of messed up that day. I think I am just feeling..okay..there is no reducing of the medicine or blood test to make sure it is okay to stop the medication to secure the pregnancy will stay. I am still taking the PIO shots, but that also just stops abruptly on July 4th. Has anyone else had this experience or is my clinic the only one that just says , see ya.
As for other news: I am so excited fro all my new followers and the followers who have been so supportive. I must say, your blogs have given me such joy, inspiration, and at times you have really taught me a lot.
hands down..my favorite blog has been The Stirrup Queen. I love a lot of blogs,but this blog brought me to all of you..and has sparked my creation for writing. Blogging has absolutely helped me in my life. I have been able to cope with infertility and found well: a hobby.
Here are my most inspiring blogs this week:
What a great idea from mel: The Stirrup's Queen idea for writing ideas
This post is amazing and please send your congrats. But be ready, this post may bring a few tears! http://the2weekwait.blogspot.com/2011/06/level-two.html
I had to add this in: I love all your comments and I welcome them. As for my new followers, some of you I can not see your blog..if you feel comfortable..please leave a comment and introduce yourself.
As for other news: I am so excited fro all my new followers and the followers who have been so supportive. I must say, your blogs have given me such joy, inspiration, and at times you have really taught me a lot.
hands down..my favorite blog has been The Stirrup Queen. I love a lot of blogs,but this blog brought me to all of you..and has sparked my creation for writing. Blogging has absolutely helped me in my life. I have been able to cope with infertility and found well: a hobby.
Here are my most inspiring blogs this week:
What a great idea from mel: The Stirrup's Queen idea for writing ideas
This post is amazing and please send your congrats. But be ready, this post may bring a few tears! http://the2weekwait.blogspot.com/2011/06/level-two.html
I had to add this in: I love all your comments and I welcome them. As for my new followers, some of you I can not see your blog..if you feel comfortable..please leave a comment and introduce yourself.
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