Making a list! Checking it Twice!

I cannot tell you how helpful lists are. I sat down with my husband last night and a huge bright light bulb went on!!! I have been real down in the dumps lately. Blood work( which went fine...I did not faint yay), saline sonograms ( which are  not very pleasant) infertility bills, and worry about shots, hormones and  fear of miscarriages..it can get pretty overwhelming in my head. But last night I asked my husband what were some of the big events in our life last year. When we stopped and looked at the list we were shocked. At first we said..nothing just went to the doctor. But then..after a little  struggling..we looked down at the page and realized in the year of 2010, we went to Yosemite, Hawaii, Lake Tahoe, Trinidad, and Fort Bragg. What???? We did all of that??? We were busy! I think this may have been the only way we survived this year. It is funny how we only remember the negative sometimes. I am going to write down a list of positive things more often..it really puts a perspective on things. I so want to be a mother, and this journey can be so dark and all-consuming, but in reality I really do enjoy my life.   Thank you Priya Kumar for your comment..it woke me up a little. 


It is so easy to fall into a negative path...


This journey through life can at times feel like a roller coaster. There are so many fast changes and low blows that at times, we need to just stop and honor the time to grieve. But there comes a time when you just can't go and lower. You have to rise..right? I am going now to write another list!! :)

Little Couple- Unstoppable

Awww!!! What a sweet couple! And what a appreciative helpful husband!!

Ben Harper - Lifeline

This song has touched me. Most of Ben Harper songs do. He is an amazing song writer..I may be his biggest fan. He sings from the heart...pure and raw emotion. There are not a lot of singers who so boldly walk that line. Bob Dylan was the last singer song writer that captured my true emotions. But, after seeing Dylan in concert, I lost so much respect. Harper on the other hand, seems to be even more moving when he performs. What I would do to see Harper in concert!! I am not sure why Harper specifically wrote this song, and how it  pertains in his life, but for me...it reflects my journey into TTC.
Here are a  few lines that have brought me to tears..


 "Life is much too short to sit and wonder


I don't want to wait a lifetime
Yours or mine, yours or mine
Can't you see me reaching for the lifeline?


You say that I misheard you but I think you misspoke

I hear you laugh so loudly while I patiently await the joke
It's hardest to listen to what we already should know"






reading these words may not be as powerful as listening to the pain, and heartache in Harper's voice, but the words are so powerful..I had to write them down.


It borders on issues for spirituality, relationship issues, as well as my own patience in my life. These are words I have begged and prayed about. I often feel  life is playing a joke...and I am the only one not laughing. I am not so much a religious person, but I have been caught asking for help. I often wonder if God is playing a cruel joke on me. The anger and jealousy that has come over me when I see pregnant women with their beautiful plump bellies walking by, and young teenagers with their little babies, and so many stories of couples who have seven kids and can not even support themselves. That is the bitter side of me, I do not like that side of me. The year 2011 is a fresh new year. I will work on patience and being happy with what is in front of me.


When Harper sings, "I don't want to wait a lifetime"...that is the best way to describe the year of 2010. This was the first year my husband and I tried making a family for ourselves. I never thought it would be so hard. But in the background I would hear my mother saying, "where's my grandchild." My brother saying, "it is your turn now".  And a second mom of mine while I was growing up saying, "hurry, have a baby before I die." I am sure many of you have been bombarded with many of these lines. I felt a responsibility. I had to make this baby quick. I am also a very big people pleaser..so this made it worse that I had failed them all.  The pressure was on last year. This year I have The University of San Francisco doctors on my side. I hope they can help me. 




Actually the first line.."Life is too short to sit and wonder" 
When I hear that line, I think it is crucial to get help for infertility right away. I waited about a year..but no one should go through what I did for that long. I am really shocked that most doctors make you suffer for a year if you are under 35 with infertility issues. If you know there is a problem, you should get help. I know healthcare is so expensive, we should at least get the service we are paying for. 




It is also very hard to listen to what we already know. The fact that my husband and I are infertile brings a lot of shame and guilt. My husband feels more of the guilt...because it is hard for him to hear that the reason why we are going through IVF is because of his MFI. I have been trying to help him through it, but every time I try....he gets kind of angry. I am working on it..slowly..but when a man's ego is bruised...it is a little difficult to say the least. 


I love that a song can bring me to such emotion and clarity. I am sure some of you may listen to this song and go through a completely different journey...that is how powerful music is.