So much has happened in the last week. I want to Thank all the comments this week. Thanks to the Queen of stirrups for creating a community full of love, warmth, and support. I have read so many inspiring blogs. Congrats to many of you on your success of achieving a BFP! And those who have received the unthinkable..I am here for you. It must be very hard right now..and I hope you are all taking good care of your selves. As for me..it is a waiting game. I wait...for my first appointment, I am going today to get a blood test..for lots of tests. Oh you know the usual 6 vile blood review. hahahha--I hate needles...it is torture I tell you! I am going to get a massage before I get the test done. Sometimes I faint. I am so frustrated with this part of me. I just have to breathe slowly and realize...it will all be okay. Lately I have been really into watching The cupcake girls. Lori, one of the main characters of this reality show, shows her IVF experience. As I watched the show, I felt so validated with my fear, frustration, and hardship. I do not think anyone can truly understand what we are going through until someone has walked in our shoes. I had a pretty bad jealousy bout this weekend. I tend to have them more often these days. I called one of my longtime friends, a friend of 15 years. We have been out of touch (as for a deep connection) in the last 3 years. I still have been hanging on for loyalty..and in hopes that we will connect again. I get sad thinking about how friendships often get lost within years of distance and proximity. I hate letting go. This friend and I talk every other month( for about 10 to 15 minutes) and now our connection is through facebook..saying hello. I was so offended that she wished me a Merry Christmas through facebook. I was more offended because for 15 years we have spent it together. I have found facebook at times distances us for deeper relationships. This friend also forgot my birthday. I am really frustrated with the whole thing. But the point of brining this up leads me to explain the conversation I had with her this weekend. For the last 15 years she has said she does not want children. She has always stood by the fact that she does not like kids. So here is the background, everything I do, she wants to do. According to my husband, he has said I act really different around her. It is as though we try to compete and one up each other. I hate to acknowledge that I am this person. He said we met when we were in college and that was the nature of our relationship. So I am dealing with the reality that I have been very competitive and vain in this relationship. Now..I have been struggling with infertility and my family and friends, except this one, has been there for me so patiently and warmly. well, I call her and the first thing she asks is, are you pregnant yet? This pisses me off because I told her we are infertile. I want to scream when I hear her ask me such a stupid question. Then I tell her the procedure and the cost and the stress I am going through. She says...not oh I am so sorry, or I will be there for you. She says, " don't talk about babies, now My husband and I are trying. all he talks about now is kids." Okay...this really really really irks me! I am trying to wrap my mind around it. I called a very good friend who is not competitive and is just a good friend. She has many good friends and I have known her since I was 13. She said...two things...the main one was you are jealous and she would be as well. She also said...(what woke me up) "you bringing up your journey of having children made her think about her life and she changed her mind, which she has a right to do." Yes..she has a right to change her mind. I am trying to let that soak in, but I just think to myself, I decided to get my degree in Psychology, and then so did she. I tell her I am getting something, and she has to get it, but bigger or better. I really do not have time or patience for a friend like this. There is a good friend of mine who for three years we often talk about the joys of parenthood and how we both can't wait to be moms.. She is trying and I can not wait to hear she is pregnant. I just feel, ( and it may be completely irrational) but I just feel this is a real low blow. My husband did not understand..but I do think he understood when his own father who has not talked to him in 15 years tells him he and his girlfriend would like us to be the godparents of his child. Yes...I am not joking or making this up! Who could make this kind of crazy stuff up!!! We have finally contacted him and my husband and his father are actually communicating through emails. Last month we revealed our infertility issues, and right before saying Merry Christmas, he pops the insane questions about us being godparents. Yes...my best friend pops up saying she is trying and my husband's father who is 60 is telling us he is having a girl. It has been a crazy week. I hope this week goes a little more smoother.
