Friday, September 30, 2011

Gestational Diabetes?!

Yes...there are more needles to come for me. I thought I was done with needles because I was done with IVF..but no. I have actual had to go every 4 weeks to check on my thyroid. Which, recently at 22 weeks got too high so I have had to increase it. Then, now this week at 24 weeks, I had my gestational diabetes one hour test to check if my levels were high. And yep!! They were. The level should not be above 139. Mine was 156. So...I had a melt down. Yes..I did. I am still having a melt down. I got so upset last night...because I did everything I could to get pregnant..100 injections, surgeries, biopsies. I can not handle a life one day of pricking my fingers to get blood, and then insulin injections 3 times a day. I just do not want to do it. ..............

I will do it for my little angel Alexander..but I just can not bare to think of the emotions and pain that I will have to go through. I am sure it will not be as bad as I am imagining, but I am really emotional right now. I have been at work and i just can not concentrate. And my mom..who is my boss..keeps making me get up so I can walk and need to decrease your carbs. I really want to say shut up!!! She is making me feel so guilty. I feel guilty enough..but the fact that she is complaining about my exercise or lack there of, and the food I am injesting is beginning to really get me to the edge. I just want a normal pregnancy....that is all I wanted from  the beginning. and it never seems to be happening! I also need to know what to eat fro a pregnancy, hypothyroidism, and gestational diabetes. Oh I forgot to mention I have to go in middle of next week for a 3 hour glucose test. They take my blood, then drink a nasty drink..wait three hours, take my blood again, and then take my blood again. Did I mention I faint sometimes with my blood taken. This sucks!! Three times..once is enough to make me oozy plus I have to fast for three hours. So not looking forward to any of this!:(

I am just thinking, this baby better appreciate me..I tell you... I am going to need some therapy. I have actually thought...therapy would be really helpful for me right now. I have body issues, health issues, and my relationship with my husband is really weird.

Last night I found out my blood levels were bad and my husband was sweet and said, it is okay..and tried to calm me down, but said it is scary though. i said i felt like crying, and he said go ahead honey. And I let out a huge cry...tears falling down like a waterfall. Then we went home and I went and walked on the treadmill as he cooked us dinner. When i got back, he said he was going to go get a massage.

The selfish irrational person that I am right now thought to myself...I am the one having the breakdown, why are you going for a massage. I did not say anything but I wished that he got me the massage to calm me. I felt really..well I feel really selfish for thinking these thoughts, but,....I feel like he is not thinking of me.  My rational thought process says, yes he is...he cooked me dinner, he consoled me when I cried, and he needs to take care of himself too. But my irrational brain is winning with feelings because I could really use that massage right now..but money is tight. He makes more than me, but I am not going to ask him for it. I feel myself being a little passive aggressive and trying to contain it. Maybe just putting this down might calm me down. You know...I may be a little off too because my thyroid level went from 2.69 to .88. That is a quick jump and pretty close to hyerthyroidism. My body is all out of wrack with blood, thyroid, and pregnancy hormones. I really just want to be by myself at home watching a comedy or dramatic chick flick.
As for now..I will try to contain myself at work....finish the day, go work out and get into bed. i can not wait to got to sleep. I have about 8 more hours!