Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Welcome June ICLW

Oh These Crazy Hormones!! Here is a vent!!
my count down to 13 more PIO Shots!!! yayayay!!!

I can not believe it is June..the end of June already! I feel so overwhelmed and like life is just flying by! As I sit here writing this post..I am one day short..well..now one hour away from being 10 weeks! How cool is that! I am so excited. I thought..I am going to be crafty because I am going to be a mommy. That did not work out so well. I have never been the crafty girl, nor the Martha Stewart  kind of woman either. But, I can knit a scarf. I have been very successful at being able to give them as gifts. So for the last month..I have been knitting this scarf. But last night..I noticed in the middle( mind you the scarf is very long..almost done) there was a mess up. I was so bummed..I had to take it all a part. Oh well.. I have to just give in and think of it as practice. Maybe a scarf was not meant to be. I have been thinking to myself..while making this scarf I want to make little socks for my baby. I just need to learn how. This is my new mission.

Another thing: my morning sickness has gone away. I feel good about this..because the room has stopped spinning..but..why has the sickness disappeared. I tell you..I am always worrying about something. The spotting happened once more this Sunday. That really sucks. I think I may have this spotting throughout my whole pregnancy..so I have to calm down about all the fears I have.

I am going to lose my baby
any pain I have..I fear it is the end
I will not get the chance to tell all my friends and family that I am pregnant
I fear I will get Gestational Diabetes_ I am going to get tested tomorrow:(

Body Image:
 This is hard. I went to my first prenatal appointment..I GAINED 10 POUNDS!!!
Okay...this was very very hard for me to realize. I am overweight..that is just the fact. but before I started IVf...I tried my hardest to lose weight so I could have a healthy pregnancy. I worked so hard..I lost 35 pounds. Still being a little over weight...I was getting to be very healthy. Once I started the hormones..they said I may gain 5 to 10 pounds. Well..now reality has sunken in: 10 pounds. I need to work really hard on not gaining more than 1/2 pound a week now. I guess that is what the books say. The other thing is just the body image. I have a tendency to compare myself to other women. I hate this part of me.  I have always had a bad body image. And now..I look bigger than a lot of the women in the same stage of pregnancy as I am. I have always been heavier than average..this is just another time...but it never does get easier.

As for friends: I love my blogging buddies and most of my friends have been there for me through this whole process. There is just one friend....she is not even taking my calls. I understand she has said things have been going on in her life that are tough..but I have other friends who have things tough in their life..but we are all there for each other. What kind of "friend"  is not there for their friend of more than a decade. I think I need to just let her go...because through out the past 4 years...I really do not get anything from the friendship. It is like a push and pull with her. Some times she will call..and things will be all fine..and she will call maybe once a week or once a month. Then all of a sudden..life is so dramatic that she will not take calls or call me for months at a time. It is not an equal friendship. she is way too absorbed in her life. I know for sure I can get self- absorbed..but I always make myself available for my friends if life is hard or they need a congratulation.
I just feel like I have known her for more than 10 year..she is like a sister. Or maybe I just need to step back..and realize she is not able to deal with her problems or life the way I do and give her some space. it is just that I get attached and then she builds a wall. it is very painful. But I do understand that is how her mother treated her. I feel like I am giving her excuses..but I understand how she operates..it is just very very irritating.

Anyways...I feel lately like I have been super moody..and irritable. Everything..well..almost everything irritates me. It could be because I am not getting to sleep until 1:30am. Waking up at 3am because I have to pee..and then tossing and turning until I have to get up for work.

Okay..one more vent: Someone..very close to me..a family member called me out on Father's day. I am very very upset. I wish I could go more into the details..but the details are very personal to this specific part of my family circle. Let's just say...this one person has been using drugs. and my mom and I tried to help him  and his family stop drugs through rehab, take care of their kid..help the wife with enabling. Until..they all just quit trying. After a couple months, of supporting them. And When I say support, I mean every day..night and day..talking to them on the phone, going over to the house to talk them out of leaving rehab, or suicide, major life changes, being a shoulder for them to cry, vent, brainstorm ideas. MY mom and I were completely 100% their biggest cheerleaders. But then,..because the husband decided..no he  wanted to start drugs again...there was nothing my mom and I could do. They stopped calling, got mad at my mom for insane reasons. Just drive to my mom's work to drop off the baby..and then not show up. Basically..after months of trying to help them.....every day..they thought that they could just go back to using drugs, enabling her husband who is a major addict..and think they could waste out time...was painful..and well..we just refused to be taken advantage of. Now it has been a few months since they have spoken to my mom. They do not talk with with me..except for a sentence here and there about congrats on being pregnant. So there we are on Father's day..and they are just talking so bad about my mom: in front of me. I was defending her the best I could...but then after I pointed out there would not be a problem if your husband did not use drugs. She said oh no, he only smokes weed..he is pot head. I said..no he told my mom he has been using cocaine too. She said. well. yeah.. but only here and there.

right then and there I wanted to scream...Denial!!!

I refrained myself.

But then she went off on me..saying your mother is controlling and controls everything you and your husband does. This is when I am positive my face was very very bright red. You know..I got a little flustered because I was shocked she was going there..

but the next day( today) I am so freaking pissed! I am pissed at the fact that she made me question my relationship with my mom. And I think when she said that and I was defending myself... her husband came out and they were smiling at each other as if they were enjoying themselves. I am so livid!!
I have never blogged like this when I have been angry..but I have to get this out!!! I am not conrolled by my mom. I am very blessed to work in the family business with her, and she has helped me pay for the whole IVF process...but I should not feel guilty for this. How dare she say that my mom controls me..you know..she really does not know me. She is a cold, bitter women, who is not happy in her marriage because her husband does drugs..and maybe in a few days..I will actually feel bad for her. But for right now...I am done with her. Family or not..she insulted me. And when I asked her how my mom controls me..she said well..when you go out to eat..you ask you what to eat. This is completely false. My husband said when he heard this..he thought she completely has no idea what she is talking about. I just laughed and said anything else. She said with money. I said..well..I am very thankful and appreciative she has helped me with money..but how is that controlling. Anyways...it is just very sad. Because again..I thought I had a warm, supportive relationship with this women. Now I know, I do not. She is judgemental, cold, and way too sensitive. A few people have warned me about her., but I wanted to give her a chance. I really tried to look over her rudeness to everybody..now..that she has attacked me...I am not going to try anymore.
I guess this is a venting post. I am sorry.. I try to be all positive here: but this is me right now. I am sure tomorrow I will be singing a happier tune. I should probably get some rest. I am sure..tomorrow after reading this I may need to delete my angry post..or I may learn something from this.
Good night all

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