Hello bloggers

After many doctor appointments, blood work, SA, Sonograms, biopsies, and of course, peeing on sticks, fertility dolls, trying and unsuccessfully meditating, praying, and finally finding the reason why my husband and I are not fertile, we are heading on our Journey with  IVF ICSI.  Here we go!! Hold on tight!!!

So here I wait for my next period to start..sometime February 10. I have never in my life been excited to get my period. But yes...I am counting down the days..19 more days. WOW! Writing that down just made it so much more real. breathing..give me a minute.!!

Okay..almost crying here..yep the tears are here! Damn it. This has been such a hard journey. I feel like I have been trying to keep my head afloat this whole time. I try not to be so dramatic, but this has been hard on me, on my relationship with my husband, with trying to keep professional at work, and painfully losing my control with my body in doctor's offices. Again, I have to give credit where credit is due. Thanks to this blog world. So many of you help me feel so not alone. Some of you...well a lot of you have given me strength.

I do not want to leave this post with just this.Ii want to say also that I have the most wonderful, patient husband. without him..I would be  even more of a hot mess. In 2010 we found out we were infertile. It was a tough year with lots of fights. But when we look back..yes..we will think of the hard times. But with the hard times, there were many good times, like our trip to Maui where we snorkeled and read our favorite books on the sandy beaches,and ate lots of pineapple and fish, and drank coconut pina colodas! We also went to Yosemite and South Lake Tahoe. So we had some really amazing times..but within that time..were so dark times. Through this challenge in our life..I am learning to find a balance in life. And I know I am learning and growing as a person through this hard situation. 

I look forward to commenting on many of your blogs and sharing my story with you. 

As the Stirrup Queen says, "Blogging is a conversation and comments should be honoured and encouraged. I like to say that comments are the new hug–a way of saying hello, giving comfort, leaving congratulations."

actually..I would love to know about you...so if you want please have fun answering some questions...


1) What is your story..do you have kids, still trying, what stage of Art(Assisted reproductive technology) are you in?


2) What is your blog about if you have one? and the name?


3) What are you doing to make yourself happy right now..hobbies, family, friends, tv shows?


4) What are you listening to in your car lately?

Need to vent

Since I am not on facebook anymore...I need to vent my daily struggles. I use to vent to facebook...I know..strange right? Anyhow..here goes. Kaiser..my hmo in California has really been driving me up the wazoo!!  As most of you  know, before you start IVF, there are a just about a billion blood tests that you have to be tested for. Well, for the last two to three months..I have been going into the lab to see my favorite phlebotomist Elena. Elena is great..in fact. I talk about her to all my friends like she is my friend. after I leave, I thank her and tell her how grateful I am to have found her. Before Elena, I would have the worst experience getting my blood drawn. They would miss my vein, or lose it as they were in..and so forth. I do not want to affect the faint of heart here. It is pretty gruesome what details I can reveal when it comes to my challenges with blood draws! But the vent I have today is the actually about people who organize the blood draws, before I see the phlebonomist. Bottom line, I found out yesterday, that I had to take the blood test twice because they were so unorganized. It got so bad..I called three different departments, and each one gave me different answers. I got so exhausted after the fifth hour of calling and having to fight to get some sort of conclusion and clarity..I had to call Memeber services. So, this morning, I get a call....and you can bet I had a mouthful to complain about. They said their sorries, and embarrassment how their staff are unorganized and clearly made more than one mistake. She then said that the whole lab department is in a meeting  about the problem and they are training the staff to do a better job. I am glad they are better equipping their staff, but I only wish I was not the one that had to take the brunt of their lack of training.

On another subject...friends. I have this friend. She has been my friend for 15 years. I am in so much pain about how our friendship has been lagging. The last three years it is full of bad situations and, jealousy, fights, silence, and bad vibes.  When is it time to say goodbye? 15 years is a long time to just call it quits. It is kind of like a marriage. I guess, when I read other blogs about their great friends, and growing old together and pushing their babies along side with their strollers, and when I read hallmark cards, ...I guess all the good times come rushing back. But really in reality, I do not respect her very much. I hate to say this, I feel guilty and mean saying it on a blog. But, she is so vain and all about money. I am just not that person. I am about family, friends, and just the simple things. If I call her, the first 20 minutes are just about her business and how she made this profit and how successful her husband and her are. Then she asks if I am pregnant. I say no..tell her some of the challenges I am having and then she says, gotta go. Is she really a friend anymore. NO. I can really say no. We have gone our own ways. We are living two very different paths. The only thing is, two people(friends) can live in different worlds and want and different dreams for different lives and still be friends..right? I guess I am a little lost without my best friend. The last time I wrote her a letter..stating my feelings, she got all defensive. we really haven't talked much. In November it was my birthday and she forgot it. She called three days later to  wish me a happy Thanksgiving and happy birthday. I said it was three days ago. She quickly defensively said well..I AM CALLING NOW...! Here is the reality, I have good friends that I love and cherish. I have three or four that I can call right now...and they know exactly what to say and they know every detail of my challenges and I know every detail of their life as well. We are all good friends and talk at least one a week about our feelings and so forth..we laugh, and know how to calm each other and make us laugh until we cry! I just really wish I had that kind of relationship with  my best friend. As you could tell, I feel very deeply about this subject and I am very torn and there are many facets to this difficult friendship. Have any of you been through something like this?