Friday, April 29, 2011

Transfer Done! we go. I did my transfer. The doctor informed us that we had four embryos. Two of them were cell 8 grade 2. He said the best chance of pregnancy is to put them both inside. So, we did. It was beautiful. I had my mom and husband there watching the whole thing. It was beautiful and painless. I was on Valium so, I was super relaxed. I like valium. Anyways, kind of spacey and tired. I think I am just going to relax and take a nap.
I hope you all are doing well.

Thursday, April 28, 2011

First PIO shot!

Okay..warning all: TMI. If you are eating, read this later:)  

well..let me first tell you about my PIO experience and then the whole TMI silliness..well..embarrassment.

I iced my back side for around 3 minutes
While I iced, my husband warmed the needle with the progesterone under his armpit.
then we went into the bathroom and I stood against the wall, leaning on one leg.
My husband started darting with the needle, and I said wait!!
way too scary. I took the needle and for a moment got completely freaked out.
then I took a deep breath and darted it in and slowly moved it in( Not Painful! all!!..thank you ice for numbing!!)
then my husband injected..all was blood..there was some resistant..and then he pulled the needle out
I was pain at all.
I then lied down on my stomach, as he massaged and then put the heating pad on. Each for two minutes.
then we walked around the house again. Still no pain.
weird right! hmm..I was expecting, screaming, and crying, maybe a little fainting.
then .....ten minutes later..a little sore and tightness. But really doable. it really was.
I wonder if it hurts the more you do it. Not sure..just so happy it was not painful:)

The below is the before hand. The crisis before.

I have been worrying about the PIO shot all day. My husband was coming home at 5pm. I was going to go for  walk with my friend at 6pm and I was going to take the shot at about 7:30pm.  Did not happen that way.

Here is what happened. At about 11am I had cramps and more cramps. I thought it was just that I had to go to the bathroom. Well, nothing happened, so I took a metamucil packet. 2 hours later nothing happened, so I took another packet of Metamucil. The box said you can take three a day. So by 4pm, nothing happened, so I took one more packet. is when I started to get a little dramatic.

At 5pm, I started having shooting pains in my lower abdomen and and lower back.. I was having major gastric pains. So bad, I was in the fetal position screaming. I called my husband and asked him to get prune juice or whatever to get me to stop the pain of the worst case of constipation I have ever had. It must have been the mixture of being pretty much constipated throughout the whole stim weeks, the vicoden after the retrieval, and then not moving around for three days recovering from the retrieval.

here is the embarrassing part: my friend did not get the message that I was not feeling up to the walk, so when she came I had to have her leave because any minute I would be running to the bathroom, or screaming in pain. Also, my dad was just being nice and called to see how I was doing in the middle of a pretty painful cramp.  I scared him. I said I would call him back. Then two minutes later my mom called and gets all panicked.  I said I would have to call her back and I was fine. My mom then calls my husband 15 minutes later asking if we are on our way to the hospital.  I have them all worried about me because I have to go number 2!

ahhh..with that husband was great. He came home and made me drink two glasses of lemon water with honey, and gaterade and water.  Then he made me march around the house. I was in so much pain, but the fact that my husband was marching in front of me, shouting left right left right,, made me almost pee myself a couple times from laughing so hard.

I hope you all are laughing from reading this. I find is hilarious and very humbling to say the least!


Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Transfer is Friday!

Out of my seven eggs, 6 were mature. Out of six mature eggs, they fertilized 4!! I am so very very excited!! My transfer day is Friday at 10:15am. The clinic decided on a three day transfer. Do not ask me why. Maybe they will tell us more about it on Friday. I called my husband right away. I was trying to hold back the tears, but it was not controllable. I told him and he was so excited. we both cried a little bit. I then called my mom, and she cried. I called my best friend, and she cried. It has been a crying fest!! Oh boy....I hope it is a boy too. At first I really wanted a little girl. a little girl that looks like me, walks and talks like me. It sounds so precious and fun. But, I want  a boy just as bad. My husband and him can really bond and he would be momma's boy. But I would have him strong and independent as well. I just want a baby to call my own and hold and love. to stop or I will start the waterworks again.

what I fear: because I am always fearing something with this IVF rollercoaster.
1) I start the progesterone shots tomorrow. This needle is long! and I hear they give you a Charlie horse
2) I have to drink a lot of water an hour before my transfer. and then they have to put pressure on my stomach..for some reason I do not really understand. I fear peeing all over the place. That would not be fun. The nurse said maybe just drink one to two cups 1/2 hour before. I will see how full my bladder gets with one cup of water tomorrow to see how much and how long I need to have a full bladder.
3) one embryo or two? I believe i am set for one. I will be okay with that.

but overall, I feel so happy my babies are growing right now.

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Done with Retrieval

As I sit here on my couch, staring out at the ocean, I am so relieved the hardest part is over. I did it.  Did the retrieval. This will be a short post, because I am in a little pain, and very tired. I went into the clinic with my mom and husband. They are my biggest cheerleaders. I was surprised when my mom really wanted to be there for me for the retrieval and transfer. She has been cooking for me all week. She is so sweet:) Love her so much. My husband has been real supportive and excited to finally do something actually in a physical way during this IVF. He was happy( hehehe) to do his business and give the embryologists his part of our future babies.

Here's my experience with my Retrieval. I go in and the first phlebonomist  tried to get a vein in my hand. Nothing. And let me tell you, it hurt. But no fainting. The second phlebotomist comes over about 20 minutes later. At this point, I am a nervous wreck. I am shaking. seriously. I am so embarrassed to write this, but yes. My legs are shaking and my teeth are shattering. I am pretty sure, most women going through this have not had this reaction.  But yes, I am a worried women. I have even tried to calm myself with the circle+bloom cd. It was not really working. the second phlebotomist comes over and tries my left arm. Nothing. Then tries my right arm. Nothing. Then tries my right hand, nothing. Now I am starting to get nervous. and in pain. But never did I faint!

At this point, I am completely shaking and I ask my mom and husband nicely to go into the waiting room because I just needed to breathe and have the ladies..all three of them( including the  anesthesia technician) do their job without others hovering over them. Finally they did it with a  two person team, plus with injecting my hand with a bee sting shot of something that numbed it( thank god!!)

Then they brought me into the room. There were 4 people in there. And I felt really embarrassed to be there with my legs open  with four strangers looking at my woohoo. But the medicine worked in minutes. Next thing I knew I was in the recovery room. How awesome is that!!! So happy!! Really girls, the retrieval is really not that bad, unless they can not find that vein!

So I took my time, three hours and all.

Here are the results. I had 22 follicles, and 7 eggs came out. The doctors and myself felt really let down. We were all expecting at least 11. I am so nervous. What if none of them fertilize. I do not find out until tomorrow. I have expressed I am nervous a couple times. The doctor said, it is not the quantity, it is the quality. So...I am trying to be positive.

I am praying and trying to keep positive and waiting patiently until the call tomorrow afternoon.

Monday, April 25, 2011

Hcg Trigger Update

Just want to write a little about my trigger experience. I read from Melissa's,the Stirrup Queen's book, Navigating the Land of If,a little before I triggered.. She has really helped me in so many ways during my infertility experience. Anyways, she wrote about trigger shots sting being medium to high. Here is my experience with the HCG trigger injection. I put the needle in and injected the liquid into my body. Nothing. I felt no pain what so ever. Then about a minute in, I  had to lay down. What it felt like was a little burn and pulling. It was not painful, just felt real strange. Also, the place of injection is sensitive that night and today still. So be gentle in that area. I want to warn you, I am sensitive, well..more sensitive than most in my opinion. I faint often during blood draws, so I work myself up. It was not painful, just be aware you may want to lay down, and let the medicine do its job. I did a meditation from circle + bloom for the trigger shot beforehand. I love this program. The meditations really helps you relax and reflect on how you are feeling through each stage of IVF or IUI. Anyways, not painful...but you may want to lay down afterwards and think of the medicine as a glowing light soothing and do it's magic in your ovaries and that this medicine is helping our eggs and follicles to do what they are suppose to do.

Sunday, April 24, 2011

Roller Coasters, Triggers, and Awards!

Yayayayayayyayaya!!! Estradiol level is at 2231. My retrieval is on Tuesday at 9:30am!! My trigger shot is at 9:30pm tonight. Is this painful? I am a little nervous, but mostly so excited. AHHHH!!! I want this baby so much! I want this baby maybe too much. I get scared and start weeping because I fear the negative. I just keep telling myself to be grateful for the science and medicine that is helping me achieve this family I have wanted since I was a child. And...I so want to create a family and child for my husband and parents. I want to be able share the joys of watching my child with their grandparents. I feel I may just die inside if I do not get to share this joy. Baby or not, I am so grateful that I had the resources financially to do this. A lot of other couples have to wait years to be able pay for such a procedure without insurance. And when I feel sad for myself..I think..:

It really could be.

I have a husband that loves me till death do us part. He loves me with all my faults. He is patient and well..he is so wonderful and helpful. My parents care about me and friends and bloggers rooting for me. I love this life of mine, pain and all. Again...I have to say how much I appreciate all your comments and encouragements. I am so grateful for this blogging community. Some of you have really inspired me. There are funny bloggers that have had me laugh so hard and have cheered me up on a raining or stormy day. There are some bloggers that I can relate with so much, I feel like if I met them, we would instantly become best friends. Then there are the bloggers that give me strength.

These bloggers that give me strength by sharing their stories that make me shocked and bewildered at how much they have gone through and still have the strength to keep on keeping on.  When I have gone to their blogs for strength, I am reminded if they can do this, once, twice, three times..or even SIX times: then I can do this!

I am also happy with myself because I did not faint today or yesterday. Both blood tests were very uncomfortable, but I worked through the fear and pain and did not faint, thanks to a few tips from chinadoll. I can not express how happy and proud I am after a blood test when I don't faint. It is very close to a roller coaster. You wait in line and your stomach starts feeling all bubbly and your mouth starts to dry. You feel like you have to pee. You try to drink some water, but it makes your feel nauseous. Then you get in the seat, and you know it is going to be scary. You start going on the ride, and your heart starts to go faster. It gets scary and at the top of the roller coaster, you know it is about to get real scary..and you start to go..there is no where else to go but to let go!

Ahhh.letting go!!! This is the best feeling,because you know finally it is done. You can breath clear and with ease. You can comfortable drink or eat without feeling uncomfortable. This is the roller coaster of my IVF process.  This roller coaster of fear, pain, joy, and elation. Okay..this roller coaster of trigger is tonight. And then another roller coaster for the retrieval, transfer, and then PIO. It never really ends does it! :)

Thank you for my Award!! This has made my day!!!

Thank you KrissiChina doll, and Andrea
 Here is the award and fun details when you get the award:
Here's how it works:

Winners grab the image above and put it in your blog. Link back to the person who gave you it. Tell 10 things about yourself. Award 15 recently discovered bloggers. 
Contact the bloggers you have awarded to let them know they have won. 

I hate picking because really I am addicted to so many blogs..let's see..

10 things about myself:
1)I secretly wish I could be a famous song writer
2) I love yams, especially with cinnamon and salt
3) my favorite time of the year is November
4) I used to be horribly addicted to facebook
5) my favorite place to visit is Maui
6) I dream of visiting Greece
7) I love fettuccine with Pesto sauce
8) When I was younger I only wore pink and purple( it stopped at age 10)
9) I am extremely close with my mom and best friend from junior high(we call each other or text each other every day)
10) When I drive in my car, I sing and dance.

please click on:

and get a great ribbon to from one of my favorite bloggers:)

Friday, April 22, 2011

Random thoughts from the fainter!

Got another blood test and U/S today. Yes, I fainted again. That really sucked, and I am disappointed, but I can not dwell on the failure of stopping myself from fainting. Because- well, I think it may be happening again, since I will have to get my blood test tomorrow again, and the next day and the next day. I am trying not to think how much that really is going to make me faint, and just be calm and relaxed. All the nurses and doctors know me now as the fainting girl. I hate it..I really do. But I am grateful the medicine has made my estrogen level 945, and my follies are growing. Most are around 11. One is 14, and one is 6. Not happy about the one that has 6 millimeters, but the doctor said that is normal. The doctor thought I need to come back everyday, since the follies may grow and estrogen level may spike. I appreciate the caution, but I really wish I did not have to get another blood test. I think it really is for the best though. The doctors know what they are doing.

At this stage, I am not sure if it is me, but I feel really bloated and gassy. The twinges and sharp pains are increasing. I am officially on vacation now, and I am so bored. I wish I could go somewhere or walk, but all I want to do is lie down and sleep. I am drinking so much water, it really is best that I am in my house close to the bathroom. I hate that I have such a small bladder.seriously, if I take 5 sips, within 15 minutes, I have to go to the bathroom. Embarrassing.


I am in a little of a daze..and real spacey. This post was kind of a random vent. 
I hope you all are having a wonderful weekend:) and are feeling good.
go follies go!!! 2, 4, 6, 8 who do we appreciate!!  You know I really appreciate my friends, family, husband, my doctors, and all you bloggers who comment and make this experience so much more easier and like I am not doing it alone. I can not imagine going through this without the support of all of you. Even if you do not comment, I know someone is witnessing what I am going through and I am not alone. more random thought that swirls in my mind:
do any of you feel kind of spacey and high after you give yourself the stim shots. I have to lie down for a few minutes. It kind of feels painful too.

I'll be back, but I got to go pee! :)

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

No fainting: just overflow of emotions!

I got my blood test today and there was no fainting. The women was a little harsh and tied the rope around my arm a little tight, but she did a great job and did not create a burn. I was very relieved I did not faint. That is never a  fun event. I also got my ultra sound and found out my follicles have grown from under 6 to over 6-8. I am not sure what it all means, but the nurse said that they are looking good and all growing at the same rate. So, I will take that as a good sign. My test result came back and my estrogen level is at 235. My next appointment is this Friday. I am very excited about this part of my journey.

As for my cat, I found a loving home one floor above mine. So, I can go and visit as much as possible. Ozzy was very mad. I had him sleep over and well, I went over the next day(today) and he was hiding behind the toilet. Very sad:(
I got him to come out and he became warm and loving. I caressed him and pet him and then we took a stroll around the house and I brought him to his food. He ate a little. He was very hungry. after about 30 minutes, he started getting agitated and hissed at his new owner. Ten minutes later, he hissed at me and almost scratched me. This new owner is very patient and understands this is normal. I am very thankful I found such a cat loving patient man. Also, this man is working from home, so Ozzy will have company all day. I will keep you posted in Ozzy's progress. I am going to see him tonight again. I hope he is more calm tonight.

As for my progress, I am very depressed. I miss my cat cuddling with me at night and when I am on my couch, he would be sitting on my lap and purring against my chest. I miss his soft fur warming me and cuddling with me. Tonight my husband and I got in a fight. It was a stupid fight. But what I have learned is, when we get in a big fight about something not so big, he eventually opens up. We finally slowed down in our fight and apologized to each other..and we started talking about other things. I had mentioned to him that I thought I was getting delusional because last night I woke up in the middle of the night and thought I heard his bell. My husband said, he heard the same thing. He then teared up a little. Oh, and then we both cried. This is like grieving a child. He is our child. I miss him, but I am so grateful he is just upstairs and we could go and visit. But in a way, it makes it hard as well. This new owner gets to cherish and cuddle, and love and be loved by our awesome little Ozzy. He is so wonderful and loving.

  okay..enough about my cat..I need to stop crying because I am going to get dehydrated!! :)

I was watching Oprah this morning and was amazed with this one story. A couple tried to have a child. They did their first IVF cycle and at five months, the babies(twins) were born prematurley and were stillborn. The second IVF cycle did not work sadly. aAnd then the impossible happened. The women's 61 year old mother wrote them a later telling them how much she loved them and how she wanted to help: by being a surrogate for them. I was shocked watching this show, this women gave birth to her grandson. What a loving gesture. That couple is so lucky. I love my mom and she has been so helpful in this whole process, but it takes a special person to have give birth to three daughters in her earlier life, retire, and after ten years of menopause, have a child for your daughter. Amazing...beautiful, really. I had thoughts while watching it thinking, I could ask my mom. But she is just going to laugh at me and say, are you serious?

anyways, I am such a mess tonight. double whammy with a surge of hormones and then grieving a warm fur baby!

I will keep you posted and I hope to be a little bit more cheery and brighter the next time

hugs to all

Monday, April 18, 2011

Cool Blood test website

I thought the website above is a great website for anyone that is like me..very curious and very confused within this IVF coded world.

I got my first blood test back from the clinic after being of stimm meds for three days.
 My estrogen level went from 34 to 100. The nurse said it was good..but I wanted to know more. I thought this website was very informative.  If  any of you see any more cool websites, please fill me in:)

Fainted!! Graham Crackers Didn't Work

Yes, I fainted. I was doing so awesome. I fainted this morning when my blood was drawn. I know why the fainting happens. I do not feel like I have control. But, really it actually hurt. I got my blood taken at 7:30 am in the same place I got it drawn 5 days ago. And I have to go get it drawn in two days again. I hope they use another vein on my other arm next time. The nurse said she may have hit a nerve. I am not sure, all I know is it burned when she put the needle in and two hours later it still burned all around the area. I just feel really emotionally and physically drained when I faint. I am tired and worn out from crying. I was mainly crying because at this moment, I just feel out of control. I have these thoughts, like, how much more can I handle. I question my own strength. I want to be strong for myself, my husband and the child we are working so hard for, but there are moments during this IVF process where it is very irritating and slightly painful.  

I wish I had more to say, more inspiring cheerful thoughts..but right now I am just not happy. I just wish, I could fast forward. I have to remind myself to be grateful. I am grateful for the medicine that I have been taking because it is helping me create a dream of mine. This medicine that I am taking is creating the possibility of making a baby. I have to keep my eye on the prize. I am trying to make a baby.

I am pretty aware of the medicine..there are twinges and burning sensations in my lower abdomen and lower back. My boobs have grown a little as well. That is strange. My husband seems to be curious as well. I have also been crying a lot. I think it is the hormones, because I will just cry all of a sudden, and it is not just a little is going on for a while with lots of Alligator tears. And then all of sudden, done, no more crying. I don't think crying is a bad thing. It really is a soothing thing for me and I feel better after I cry. it is a release.

Also, I have been really paranoid about the whole Ovarian twisting. So, I have had my husband bring in all the groceries and I am walking really slow. My brother asked me to baby sit his 14 month little girl. I so want to, but I do not want to run and pick her up. I wonder if I am being too neurotic. I just do not want to take any chances. I love being independent, and spending time with my Niece, but I have to think about myself right now.

I wonder if any of you have had this dilemma?

Sunday, April 17, 2011

Three shots!!! did it!!

I gave myself three shots last night! It was not that bad. really!! I am so happy! I tell you...this is such a rollercoaster of nerves and emotions.


the three shots were gonal f pen= so easy I thought..what happened? no burning?
                               monepur mix= little burn
                               Luperon= no sting

So, if I were to let any IVF newbies know about the shots, the pen is really great! No pain!!! Three shots is really not that bad.

Side effects:
Yesterday I felt really bloated. I had a head ache through out the day.  I just felt a little drained and weepy. My poor friends and neighbor. Not only am I feeling scared with this IVF rollercoaster but, the tests came back for my cat and he has Toxoplasmosis in his feces.

Toxoplasmosis can effect the fetus 10-15% creating miscarriage, mental retardation, fluid in the brain, blindness.and more.

I have decided to find a home for my cat. We have a small one bedroom and Ozzy my cat just leaves litter where ever he roams. he has always been kind of messy that way. We tried to potty train him on the toilet, but that failed. he ended up too scared and pooing on our clothes. A few memories i would like to erase from my mind. I knew we would have to find a home for him eventually because he is not good with not scratching and biting, but I had no idea it would be this soon with the taxoplasmosis. I just can not take any chances. My husband was born with a few deformities with his arm, and I have seen pictures and heard from him and his family how hard it all was. I can not bare to go through that pain or put my baby in that kind of pain. I would not be able to live with myself.  But I have one week. This completely thoroughly has thrown me off my rocker. I am crying a lot and anyone that asks me how I am doing. I start crying hysterically and tell them what I am going through..I tell them everything! My poor neighbor...she had no idea what was going to hit her when she said good morning, how are you and your cat?

So, I have posted cute pictures of my cat and have even offered to help with cat food and litter if needs be. I just need to find a warm and loving home for my cat.

Here is the problem, he gets too excited so he can not be around other animals or small children. And he is an indoor cat. This makes it very hard. I am not going to just put him outside and feed him when he comes around. There are dogs and cats in the neighborhood that can harm him. And I live by a very busy street, so I do not want him to be hit by a car. I got my very first call today. he is coming to meet Ozzy at 2pm...3 hours! I hope Ozzy acts nice and calm. He normally does not when he meets new people. I am so nervous. wish us luck!


My name is 

Friday, April 15, 2011


First off: ouch!
I took the Lupron and the stim shot of two vials of gonal-f and menupor shot. The Lupron shot was hard. I had a hard time getting it in. And then I got scared waiting for the next shot. That one really burned. I am not sure..if it was shock or nerves, but I got it in and then once it came out I just started crying. You know..just a warning to all you newbies or future IVFers, it was really not that painful. I think it was just my nerves. There was a lot more liquid than I was used to and was a bit scary shooting one more needle. And tomorrow and Sunday I have to do three. So bare with me..I am sure tomorrow will be a really long vent. I just feel even worse because I looked in my lupron kit and there are only two more needles. This is crazy because why would they order a 2 week kit when this is obviously not just two weeks. and of course it is Friday night, I can't reach anyone. I am not sure, but no one answers the phone after five and on the weekends. Not even the company where I ordered my meds from. I am really concerned what to do. I have a blood test first thing 7:30am Monday morning, so hopefully someone at the clinic can give me some needles or give me some assistance. So..I am going to make this post short and go meditate. I hope it calms me. It has been a tough night. I hope you all have had a better night than me and have  great weekend.  

but even though tonight really sucked: today was a great day. I spent a wonderful day with my favorite Niece and mom, shopping, eating ice cream, playing, smelling flowers. it was just such a fun day. Lots of good memories to erase this scary evening.

Thursday, April 14, 2011

Baseline Ultrasound: Check

Survived the baseline Ultrasound and now I am just waiting for my estrogen blood test. Yesterday was a big day. I was really nervous for a few reasons. The first was the blood test. I can't tell you how many times I have fainted when I have gone to get my blood tested for my hypothyroidism. Just recently the last few times at my hmo( Kaiser) I found this one women who does it quickly and makes me laugh. So, no fainting. But  since I found out I will not be going to her for my IVF process, but to the UCSF for blood draws, I have been real nervous. I worry no longer!!! I guess since I have been getting myself acquainted with needles with the Lupron, this was so easy. I still did not look,but it went by within seconds and I had no fear. I can't tell you how happy I am to be getting over such a phobia of mine.

Back story of my fear. I actually have a pretty bad history of fainting. When I was about three, my mom ran and tripped over a coffee table to protect my older brother. And in doing that her knee cracked open and when she picked up my brother, she looked down at her knee which was gushing with blood, and my face was right there next to her knee. She looked over at me, my face went white, I went to scream and nothing came came out. Since then, whenever I have fallen or hurt myself I panic and in my head I see blood and fear overcomes me and I faint. Over the years it got really bad. Simple things like blood tests, sprained wrists, ankles, if I fell down: boom I would faint. One time I fainted when I had a horrible menstrual cramp. I recently fainted at my saline sonogram. This has been a stressful event because if I plan on having a child, the labor is nothing compared to anything I have ever felt before.

But I am happy to say, with exposing myself to the needles with Lupron, I showed no fear with the needles when I got my blood taken and the mock transfer went smooth even when they touched the top of my cervix. I was sure I would have have fainted if I did not meditate earlier in the day and did deep breathing. I have come so far, and I am going to celebrate this victory!!  OH and no cysts. That is a great thing to hear. during my ultrasound, two doctors(women) came in. Seriously, they went so fast, my husband and i were trying so hard to keep up. It was really just ridiculous. I was just so happy I survived the pushing and violating of my ovaries and cervix, I was too happy to be annoyed that they were talking at the same time and oh did I forget that they put in the catheter that was way too hot to be put into my uterus. I screamed and and almost swore. The women(intern) said woops! lol anyways..they went in when it was cooler and everything went in fine. it was not painful at all. It did feel not so good when they touched the top of my unterus. But it was over in a second.

I went home, relaxed. I felt almost sedated. I then had pretty bad cramps. was AF!! Ahhh...everything is coming along. I am going to soon see that BFP!!!

Sunday, April 10, 2011

No More Birth Control Pills

Good Morning Bloggers,
  I hope you all are having a good weekend. Yesterday was my last day of Birth Control Pills. I feel somewhat relieved, one last thing to jump at from my alarms of shots and pills to take. I have officially deleted on all future events on my phone's calendar.

As for the Lupron side effects: I guess it was just the one time deal with the itching when I injected it. It has not hurt or anything. A couple days ago I had a scare and thought I had a  bladder infection. I was so upset, rushing to the lab and demanding I have to pee in a cup right away. It turned out it was nothing. I guess the pulling in my lower abdomen had to do with the shots, and the constant feeling of having to pee was well..obviously because I am drinking overboard to fix the digestion problem.

Thank you Miss MAC for advising Mirolax. it has been very helpful. I have also upped my glasses of water.  I have not had any more hot flashes, just real irritation. My poor staff and husband. I guess what they have been telling me is that I seem very irritated and short. Negative energy is how they explain it. I have to say that irritates me. Actually, I have to admit everything is irritating me. I think some of you have expressed this feeling. But what I want is to be calm, grateful to be getting a chance to make a baby and happy and peaceful. Right now, I am having a hard time getting in that space.

I just feel all sorts of anxiousness. Not all the time, but here are a few of my concerns:
1) next Friday  is my ultrasound baseline...they say they are looking for Cysts. CYSTS!
2) I fear the Lupron is not doing it's job completely. This is not rational. Just fear.
3) I fear the IM shots for the trigger and for the 9 and 1/2 weeks after I get my BFP
4) I fear what kind of reaction I may get from the stimm hormones..I am already losing it just on the Lupron
5) 50 % chance for IVf to be successful..enough said
6) One embryo or two?
7) Will my husband be able to perform on the big day!
8) my cat scratches and bites...I think I have to find a home for him..this will be hard. And then the cat litter is bad for the fetus..we have been trying to potty train him on the toilet..this has not been successful:(
9) just an overall feeling of OH Shit!
 well that is about it. I think this list is long enough.  Too long in my opinion. I need to just take deep breathes.
This is my little fantasy:
to be at some beach cabin in the summer. Me and my favorite people. A couple of weeks of relaxing and reading books. Walks on the beach and eating all my favorite foods. Oh..I wish this could happen. a little mini vacation.

Well...I hope you all check out my necklace slide show. :)


6 days of my Lupron beaded Injection Necklace

Thursday, April 7, 2011

More Fun Lupron Side effects

Good Morning!!
 I have more side effects to share with all of you. Well...last night when I did my injection, I left the bathroom and right away with a burning sensation. And then itchy. Itchy like never before. Then the area became red and I could not stop itching it. That was not fun. Hot, red, itching, injections. I hope this does not happen tonight. Any ideas from any of you experts? I am going to get some products for my digestion, and mainly drink a ton of water today. I hope this will help. Every night since the injection I wake up at exactly 2am. I go to bed at 10:30 -11pm so, I get up after about 3 hours. Since that has been happening my dreams have been very vivid. I am having all sorts of interesting dreams. The other night I had a dream with horses, and I was back in school.  I normally can wake up from a dream and understand why I had it and learn from it, but these dreams make no sense. They are just random, at least that is what I have taken from them.

at this time, I am just pooped. I am so tired it is kind of funny. Remember those first few slumber parties as a kid and you stayed up all night. it was so much fun running around and giggling to the early morning, but that next day you were really cranky and tired. Well..this is the feeling alright.

What I am craving:

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Lupron Side effects

I am a freaking pro at giving myself needles. I am so proud of myself. Seriously I have fainted many times when I get my blood drawn. But now after I have my husband get the needle ready for me, I grab the needle and give it to myself!!! Yay me!!! The first night I got a little dizzy. And the place where I injected felt a little itchy. Both nights I did it,  I left the bathroom right away and then sat on my couch with disbelief. My husband is always the one to remind me that I did a great job and that I get to pick a bead for my necklace. I really do get excited then. He then reminds me as we go get into the kitchen and get tea, that I did a great job and he is proud of me:) I really appreciate him  cheering me on. And my mom went with me the other day to get the beads and she has been so supportive.

Yesterday was the first day that I did my first injection of Lupron. I wonder if this is in my head, but I was so tired. I mean dead tired. Real spacey lathargic. I had a mini headache throughout the day. It wasn't very painful, but just kind of a weak little throbbing throughout the day. It was a hot day, so I am not sure if I had hot flashes. I baby sat my niece with my mom yesterday. My niece was so adorable. We brought her to the baby park for the second time. I have to admit, she was so adorable in the sand box. I really think she is going to  be a very smart girl. Did I mention she is an IVF baby? Well, she is a very outgoing silly girl. She is always laughing and saying hello( and hola) to everyone. She is becoming trilingual by the way. Her mom is Chinese and her nanny is Spanish. Anyways, I just had to brag about how my Niece is very determined. When she gets into something,, she get a serious face and has to finish. She is great and I love her to death!!

Anyways, while I was playing with my brilliant Niece  in the park, I looked around and there were all mothers standing together talking about their kids and they all looked so proud and happy. I could understand their happiness, I get a little glimpse of how great it can be every week with my Niece. It kind of knocked the wind out of me, and I felt very uncomfortable. It was a feeling of envy at the pit of my stomach. But I went with it and it was fine and we eventually left to get some lunch. Through out that time, I think I was getting hot flashes. I really was not sure though. It was not until later in the day with my friend that I truly believe I got a hot flash. We were in target and all of a sudden my body got really hot. I took off my sweatshirt and my friend said "oh my god"! I said "what"?  She said "your chest and face are bright red."  Well, I think I had a hot flash.
Great...I am 33 and I am feeling menopause!! Oh well.

Other side effects. I have been feeling very emotional. I will cry very easily. You know, I am not sure if this is a real side effect of the Lupron either. I am pmsing, I went to the Park and saw all the happy mothers, and well it is sad being the only one who isn't a mom. I try not to be oh poor me, but when I have become a pin cushion, I think I have the right to be upset sometimes. But overall I am excited that all this is hopefully going to make a baby. There is a 50% chance of it at least. Right?

Sleep insomnia. I have no problem going to sleep. Especially since it has been officially today a whole week since I quit coffee. By 10:30pm my eyes are closed and anyone who trys to stop me is very much a victim of my wrath! But the last two nights since I have taken the Lupron, I go to sleep at 10:30 but at 2:30 I wake up very hot and have a hard time going back to sleep. I guess this is the night sweats. It's a pain because I feel really tired in the morning and the rest of the day. Also I have been having lots of anxiety dreams. And the last side effect and it may be TMI but I will just say I guess I will be buying prune juice for me. Not fun! Okay...I will fill you in for the fun side effects I will feel as my day progresses. I am sure tired will be a main one.
But here is to us IVF strong women who are determined to have our babies!!!


Saturday, April 2, 2011

Just Another Day

 Thank you all for calming me about my spotting scare. I am a little jumpy right now:( I have been such  a spaz lately.  I feel like I need to just calm down and breathe. I will get there...I hope. I loved something my husband shared with me tonight. He said, "we do not own anything in this world, we are just caretakers". This is why I love my husband. He always has a way of putting things into perspective. I sometimes get so caught up and I lose track of things. I basically forget to take care of myself, my car, just about everything. I get so caught up in owning this thing or that thing that I do not take care of the things right in front of me. This is a life lesson I really need to get a hold of. I do appreciate all the things that are given to me, but sometimes, I get caught up in too many things, that I am not 100% with anything.
Things I need to get  back on track with:
1) I need to clean my car inside and out
2) a major spring cleaning is needed( drawers, closets, storage area)
3) I little time with my Dad- I have not spent any time with him. I would love to just  talk with him
4) I have not been exercising very much. It really is spontaneous and not scheduled.
5) I need to create a spreadsheet for my finances- this one scares me the most

Saturday I worked all day. It was such a slow day, from 11am to 3 and then everything changed. I can tell you honestly about 15 children came into my store and three pregnant women. Really!!! In one day...there had to be that many children and pregnant couples come in. And the day before..I must have seen 40 kids. I was working at one of my stores where there is an Ice cream store next door and it was finally over 80 degrees in Northern California so everybody came out. Anyways, lots of kids are coming out of the wood works!! So I am in the store and the first couple came in with their 2 year old. This adorable boy was very behaved...until his parents started ignoring him. I manage a few furniture stores and if any of you have ever worked in a furniture store you can understand what happens when a certain kind of parent brings their children into your store. They think that since there are a few salesman, they can spend 2, 3 and sometimes 4 hours just relaxing on your furniture as their kids create chaos in your store.

I knew it was going to go down as soon as the little adorable kid turned into a monster as he played bongos on our glass tables. The parents did nothing. I got very irritated for a minute, and then decided to take over...because the parents were doing nothing! I started playing peekaboo, marching around, brought out some toys and got real creative with some candles we had in the back of the showroom. I was sweating, but it was working. He was eating it up! I felt somewhat satisfied. But a little sadness came over me. This is not my child. Will I ever be able to have a child. I would just love to have my child call me momma and run to me and be needed.
Okay...those feeling quickly went away when another customer came in and I brought adorable 2 year old to his parents.  As I was talking to the nice gentleman who had a sweet face and a patient way about him, another father came in with his very energetic 4 year old. As I was talking business with the patient customer, the little girl looked very determined as she walked straight over to me and introduced herself as Laura and that she liked rainbows. Well, how could I possibly ignore such an interesting subject and asked if I could be right back with the patient man and brought the little girl over to the adorable 2 year old who was starting to jump on the furniture because again the parents were ignoring him. I introduced the two and they instantly became best friends. I was able to talk with the nice gentleman, but what I noticed was three more families came in, as well as a pregnant lady, her husband and her 6 year old little girl who had on about 8 different layers of clothes, which all happened to be blue. Her mother told me later that today was national autism day and we were supposed to wear blue. I had on blue earrings, so I was covered.

Well, this story could go one, but let me just give you a little visual. I had to step back a few times and just get myself a glass of water as I stared with shock through out my store. I had children in every corner running around giggling, parents shouting don't touch that, and couples everywhere lying down on couches as their kids were jumping, running, hiding, and, just enjoying themselves. It was nice to watch. Exhausting, but nice to witness. I thought to myself how I envied this everyday chaos.  Well, that is just a day in the life of a crazy infertile sales manager.

I hope you all are having a great weekend. Tomorrow I am getting the beads for my injection necklace. I am so excited. If any of you want to do this with me, it should be fun:)


Kind of stressing

Okay..I hate to stress. My period is so strange. I have one more week until my period is supposed to start and I am spotting. I normally spot about 5 days before my period actually happens, but I am confused. I thought that since I am on BCP my period would be controlled by my medication. Now, I am just worried because will this off set all my medication. I am supposed to start my Lupron on Monday. I am thinking worst case scenario: basically I have to wait another month. I am not sure. Have any of you gone through something like this? Please tell me you have...because I may start to cry:(
Well, I guess now I just wait until Monday to talk to my doctor's assistant.

Friday, April 1, 2011

I am ready!

I am so ready for these needle injections now!! I am more than excited! I went to the injection class and I left singing kumbaya!!! I only sing this when I am really happy! AND I AM!  It was a two hour class and the woman who led the class was very humorous and informative.We practiced all the different needles(pen...mixing, powders, and IM injections) watched a movie...and then she said we were going to practice injecting ourselves. That's when my husband said my face turned white. I had no idea about the colors my face was turning, but my stomach was doing was crazy acrobatics! It was getting ridiculous. But..within time I was laughing and giggling with my husband as I completely had no idea what I was doing with the needles. He was a pro, except for the one moment he accidentally squirted his neighbor with his needle. OOOPS!! We were giggling in the brought us back to high school! We were always almost separated from the teacher.:)

Then it was time to inject ourselves. Thetan said he was worried I was going to faint. I do that at times with needles and such. I am kind of a wuss. Well, the fact that I had been practicing with the needles for two hours and that the needle that i would be injecting myself with was much smaller than some of the mixing didn't really look that bad. And one other thing. I do not like to be naked in front of strangers. So with the motivation to hurry and get my clothes back on and to do well in front of the husband I did it! I was the first one done. I stuck myself and realized..this does not even hurt! Hurray! After I was done, with the help of my husband telling me what to do, I finished like a pro!! He looked shocked and proud!!  I started jumping  and laughing!! By the time I sat down I had looked and everyone was having their husbands do it and one women was crying. I became quiet  right away. My husband and I looked at each other and we realized as the instructor helped the women get over her fear that she was very scared, I felt really bad I had been jumping for joy. Eventually her husband did it and the look on her face showed it did not hurt and she would be okay.  That was great to watch!

Then the instructor got out her fake butts so we could practice IM injections! This part was just not fair. after I heared that with a BFP I have to have IM with Progesterone for 91/2 weeks I almost walked out!! And if I do not want to do that then I have to pay about $2000 for the vaginal inserts. HMMM? Money I just do not have. Well, it is all for the greater good of my future family. This is what I have to do to have my baby! Then this is what I will do!
Even if the terrible news of IM needles for almost three months after I get pregnant, it is all worth it!! I am so excited for Monday April 4th! My first real Lupron injection! Yayayayay

Oh, and by looking at my calendar, I will find out if I am pregnant by Mother's day!!! I am hoping it's a BFP!!