Saturday, June 25, 2011

wacky Dreams and 10 more days of PIO

I have to say I have been having weird dreams. And dare I say dreams! Yes..they say pregnant ladies..we get a lot of sex dreams. do not ask me why..but it is happening..full force. could be because this week marks three whole months my husband nor I have been able to bring me to the big fat O! Yes! I am talking about sex..orgasm...being pleased! It is not happening in my house!! This really sucks! but!
Let me explain why- during my ivf- I was not in the mood- during the 2 week wait and 2 weeks after..the doctors never said- go for it. So I just decided I would wait until the first trimester. Then  I had spotting and all the doctors said wait two or three weeks. is official..we wait for the first trimester and then go crazy! well..not too crazy...let me just say one more thing: in two weeks.I get to got on vacation with my husband- it will be the mark of when we can "do it" lol hahaha  but..we are staying in a b&b where my husbands whole family will be. Our room may jsut be right next to his grandma or mom! Not happening! This sucks!!
it is not as bad as I thought it would be. I am not saying I do not like sex or to be intimate in that way with my husband and friend of more than 15 years. I met him in my junior year of High school..and I still think he is hot! :)

it is just that I feel pregnant...most of the time. that means..bloated..chubby, morning sickness fun, fatigue, overemotional from the natural hormones, plus the extra ones from IVF..10 more days of PIO.

That reminds me:

yes..I am facebooking the countdown too. I have not announced it on facebook..but about 4 of my friends on facebook know..and I message them and they root for me. I have been thinking about announcing it on facebook on the 12th week. How have some of you told facebook. There are a few things I am thinking about:
1) what about the women and men who are infertile
2) should I announce it is from IVF- I am proud of this community: or do some people have bad reactions and judgements
3) of course plenty of people will not care..but they should just unfriend me if they do not care:)

well. just writing this..makes me feel guilty! I swear: I annoy myself with my own neurotic tendencies- and this IVF has not helped at all. I feel( irrational or not) if I think about telling people( I have about 1 and 1/2 weeks left until I hit 12 weeks)- this can make it not true..or something could happen..a jinx. I really wonder when I can truly get excited about this pregnancy!

I am excited: I wonder about daycare, holding my baby at night..setting up the room, how I will parent, going for walks, family dinners, all the cute faces and moments  I will be blessed to be a part of..but I only half go there. because always in the back of my mind is, ....could I really achieve this...will I get to have a healthy baby. All along the way with this pregnancy..there have been doctors and books to say something could happen to my baby.
1) IVF= only a 50 % chance
2) getting pregnant- miscarriage
3) while pregnant- gestational diabetes- and all the foods to watch
4) the baby could have some horrible disease

I have never spoken- or I do not think I have spoken yet on this blog about why the fear of deformities or disease for my baby scares me more than anything. husband is very special to me and has no emotional or mental problems. But he was born without breathing. And then within  a small amount of time..he breathed..but his birth certificate said died. Then he came back alive..and for weeks he had so many surgeries on his little body. He has Vaters: a disease that thank god is not from his genes genetic. But..he has some bodily deformities and has suffered a lot in his life. He really wanted me to get all the down syndrome and disease tests..but I said no. You get these tests at about 15 weeks. and what..I get the test..which only gives a percentage- and then what. He did not get mad when we had the conversation. Because he is a wonderful, smart, and very patient and understanding husband. He knows I understand his great fear that his baby may have the same pain that he had..but he respects my decision that I would never abort this child.

So...on August 25th ...we are going for a second level sonogram. This will be a time when they will do their best to see the sex, and to see if there are any deformities. I am praying everything goes okay. I have this feeling that everything will be 100% perfect.
There is a lot to think about when you get pregnant. I guess for so long..I just wanted to get pregnant. I worked so hard to get here...and now..I am so blessed to have this support for all of you and my family and husband... I guess..I still need support..just for a different am i going to raise this baby: financially..and how am I going to be as a parent. Will I work...for how long will i take off..what about daycare. I need to slow down...I am overworking myself.  okay...took a deep breathe.. I should stop now..this is enough for now.
Do any of you have the same questions or fears?

So, I have been reading many of your posts..and I will catch up on  my comments!!