American health Care System Sucks!

I have to vent. I can not believe our health care system in America. They say we are fighting for freedom! Well, isn't it our freedom to have a child. I would think so. But no...it cost $30,000 for one cyle of IVF, meds, and blood work and crazy uncomfortable sonograms, and such! Each doctor's appointment is 3-400 dollars! Are you freakin kidding me!!! Oh- and then if you miscarry..oh no- you have to pay another $15,ooo. This drives me mad! I am going into my first IVF appointment in January, but this frightens me. I am going to go through months of torture and mood swings. What if I miscarry. I am crying with fear this is going to happen. everyone is telling me, you have to keep positive, this is not going to happen to you. Okay- really...how can you predict this. And how can doctors charge for a second, third, or fourth time. It seems immoral. I am wondering if this is some sort of conspiracy. Is it just me or does it seems like some of these places are just a business. They are making a lot of money..and we are their guinney pigs! Okay- I am just a little dramatic right now. But trust me, I was way more out of control a few hours ago. I spoke to this sweet women who is in the same position as all of us. She tried the Ivf procedure, she was successful, and then a miscarriage. And now she can not afford the second cycle. This is not fair! I cried for an hour after hearing this! I was going to workout at the gym, but I was crying hysterically. So then I ran up and down in the rain. I was hysterically crying. This hurts too much. This is such a crazy roller coaster. I am just so sad this woman can not afford to try for another cycle. Life just isn't fair:(

book list of Infertility

I am so excited! I found online( blogging) 3 books on Infertility.
1) Navigating the Land of If ( from my favorite blog- ), by Melissa Ford
2) Tear soup, by PAt Schweibert
3) Water from the Rock, by Sylvia R. Frey
4) well- maybe this is moving to fast- but on another great blog I was reading 
http://infertilitydoula.blogspot.com/2010/04/it-takes-village.html#comment-form
she found a book for mother and fathers who were successful with IVF a book to explain to their child called,
I Can't wait to Meet You, by Claudia Bates.

have any of you read the above?

WHAT NOT TO SAY TO INFERTILE COUPLES

 

1) DON'T WORRY, YOU CAN ALWAYS ADOPT
2) STOP STRESSING- YOU NEED TO RELAX
3) YOU NEED TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR HUSBAND EVERY NIGHT
4) EAT  LOTS OF ASPARAGUS
5) MEDITATE
6) GET DRUNK
7) DON'T GET DRUNK
8) HAVE SEX IN THE MORNING
9) STOP EATING MEAT
10) HAVE SEX EVERY TWO DAYS
11) HAVE SEX EVERY THREE DAYS
12) FEED YOUR HUSBAND PINEAPPLE AND CANTALOUP
13) IT WILL HAPPEN WHEN YOU STOP TRYING SO HARD


I am sure you have  heard it all. My family and friends have good intentions...but some of their comments have pushed me away. I have also found it hurtful when my mother says, " being a grandmother makes it all worth it" while she holds my brother's 12 month old daughter. Sometimes I feel worse when I see my niece. I actually love spending time with her because she is so cute and fun. She is so much in the moment and really she helps me enjoy just hanging out and laughing. I love spoiling her and buying her cute clothes. But when I drive home, I tear up. I want my own daughter. I want to hold her in my arms and have her look in my eyes and smile. I want to hear her call me momma. Since my husband and I are infertile, I have noticed pity looks from my family and extended family. That really annoys me. I know they care, but I really don't like being looked at as a hurt dog. I try to play it off, but it makes me feel really uncomfortable. I wonder how any of you deal with it. I finally told my dad that we were infertile and would have to do IVF. I had a gut feeling not to tell my dad and of our frustrations or sadness during this year of trying to conceive. My gut was right. He is not a very compassionate father. You know what he said? he said, " oh, okay, well don't become the next octomom." As he laughed, I just practiced my deep breathing. I guess he just does not take anything seriously and really is self absorbed. Who was I kidding that he would actually be sweet and comforting. He has never been that kind of father. But although I know he is not that kind of father, I still deserve a father that is comforting and supportive. I was angry for a minute, but I am over it. I have a wonderful husband, my mom is warm and supportive. This women called and checks on me every morning. Who could ask for a better friend and mom.

First IVF appointment Jan 10th 2011

IVF with ICSI! It is official- UCSF is our choice. This was an easy decision. My sister in law was successful there, the doctors care about their patients and not only about money, and the location is nearby. So, now I am just getting all the tests done. And there are a lot. But Kaiser has been great.  I am going for a saline sonogram next week. I am a little worried about it because I heard from some that it is painful. I do not deal with pain very well, so my mom got me some meditation cds. I started today. I have to say that I felt really relaxed and more alert after 15 minutes of a guided meditation. I do not meditate and I thought it would be really boring and hard, but it was pretty easy. I have been struggling for a year with my husband to conceive and there have been many fights between us, but since we decided  on a place and our first appointment is Jan 10th, I have been more calm and I feel more in control. I was acting like a crazy person. Crying one minute, yelling the next. My poor husband and friends. I really want  to let those who have commented know, it feels great to have a community. There are so many of you who are going through the same thing, and I feel truly honored to hear about your stories and to comfort each other during such a painful and scary time.  Please keep me posted on how you all are doing.
take care