Sunday, May 8, 2011

Spotting- second update

The on call nurse called and said I need to come in for a blood test. She then said let's first have you go out and get a preg test and see what it says. She said she would call back in an hour. I hope she calls soon. maybe 20 minutes.  I took it, it is positive.  I am excited to see this: but is it a false positive? I will await the call to see what to do next. I had my transfer 9 days ago. I am just really on edge right now!

can't stop crying! I am spotting

can't stop crying. I have been checking myself every time I went to the bathroom. Today, I checked it and I saw light pink spot on the tissue. I can not believe this is happening to me! Yesterday and today I have been having sharp pains in my lower back. I have no clue what is going on and I feel horrible. I can not take this. I am waiting  for a call from my clinics on call doctor. Just feel so sad:(

Mother's day during the 2WW

Five more days to go on this journey of 2ww. It has been up and down, and around and around as for my emotions. If I am sitting at home watching TV, I see mother's day commercials. If I am on the computer on facebook, I am reminded how all my friends and family have kids or expecting. Of course my first 2ww is during mother's day. I am so frustrated all I can do is laugh. There really is nothing else I can do ..right?
I have decided not to leave the house. If I go out to breakfast or lunch I am expecting to get more anxious and sad. I used to love seeing kids, but right will remind me of what challenges I have been dealing with. This journey is over a year now and it has been really trying. When I have been looking at mother's lately, I get so jealous. I think to myself, they probably didn't even have to think twice. The couple probably had a fun night and poof..ooops "we are pregnant". Little do they know the daily regime of shots and pain I have had to deal with to have a 50% chance of getting pregnant. 

As you can tell, I am feeling a little more on the negative side today. Normally I am more optimistic, but I am feeling not so happy right now. I was reading Whitney's blog and sometimes when she writes  I feel she is writing exactly how I am feeling. One part of her blog really spoke to me:

she writes:
"It’s like we went off-route through a mountain underpass years ago and we’ve been blindly working our way through the tunnel. We went in as two, but were supposed to come out as three.  And now we see the light at the end of that tunnel, but we are still two and have to walk out of it anyway."
Going through this 2ww just brings back all the emotions of hope, despair, sadness each time it has not worked. It is just getting to me. I so want this to work. I am sure I will feel better tomorrow since I will be distracted at work, but it is only 9am on Sunday morning. I have many more hours to go.  

I did have a great day yesterday. My husband and I had fun shopping at the mall. I did notice every pregnant lady though. And I pointed them out to my husband. I do not know why I do this. This has been a habit for me for months now. If am with someone and I see a pregnant women, I feel obligated to point this lucky pregnant women out to everyone.  I know- strange.

well I do feel the twinge in my ovaries. Yesterday after walking in the mall for a couple hours, my lower back was really hurting with sharp twinges. It was a little painful. But then it just disappears. My boobs are very tender. 

I just am so frustrated because I feel like my body is playing a trick on me. Is it the hormones or early pregnancy signs. I just want to know if I am pregnant already. This is not fair that I have to wait!

I hope you all are surviving the 2ww
 and this challenging day.