Saturday, June 25, 2011

wacky Dreams and 10 more days of PIO

I have to say I have been having weird dreams. And dare I say dreams! Yes..they say pregnant ladies..we get a lot of sex dreams. do not ask me why..but it is happening..full force. could be because this week marks three whole months my husband nor I have been able to bring me to the big fat O! Yes! I am talking about sex..orgasm...being pleased! It is not happening in my house!! This really sucks! but!
Let me explain why- during my ivf- I was not in the mood- during the 2 week wait and 2 weeks after..the doctors never said- go for it. So I just decided I would wait until the first trimester. Then  I had spotting and all the doctors said wait two or three weeks. is official..we wait for the first trimester and then go crazy! well..not too crazy...let me just say one more thing: in two weeks.I get to got on vacation with my husband- it will be the mark of when we can "do it" lol hahaha  but..we are staying in a b&b where my husbands whole family will be. Our room may jsut be right next to his grandma or mom! Not happening! This sucks!!
it is not as bad as I thought it would be. I am not saying I do not like sex or to be intimate in that way with my husband and friend of more than 15 years. I met him in my junior year of High school..and I still think he is hot! :)

it is just that I feel pregnant...most of the time. that means..bloated..chubby, morning sickness fun, fatigue, overemotional from the natural hormones, plus the extra ones from IVF..10 more days of PIO.

That reminds me:

yes..I am facebooking the countdown too. I have not announced it on facebook..but about 4 of my friends on facebook know..and I message them and they root for me. I have been thinking about announcing it on facebook on the 12th week. How have some of you told facebook. There are a few things I am thinking about:
1) what about the women and men who are infertile
2) should I announce it is from IVF- I am proud of this community: or do some people have bad reactions and judgements
3) of course plenty of people will not care..but they should just unfriend me if they do not care:)

well. just writing this..makes me feel guilty! I swear: I annoy myself with my own neurotic tendencies- and this IVF has not helped at all. I feel( irrational or not) if I think about telling people( I have about 1 and 1/2 weeks left until I hit 12 weeks)- this can make it not true..or something could happen..a jinx. I really wonder when I can truly get excited about this pregnancy!

I am excited: I wonder about daycare, holding my baby at night..setting up the room, how I will parent, going for walks, family dinners, all the cute faces and moments  I will be blessed to be a part of..but I only half go there. because always in the back of my mind is, ....could I really achieve this...will I get to have a healthy baby. All along the way with this pregnancy..there have been doctors and books to say something could happen to my baby.
1) IVF= only a 50 % chance
2) getting pregnant- miscarriage
3) while pregnant- gestational diabetes- and all the foods to watch
4) the baby could have some horrible disease

I have never spoken- or I do not think I have spoken yet on this blog about why the fear of deformities or disease for my baby scares me more than anything. husband is very special to me and has no emotional or mental problems. But he was born without breathing. And then within  a small amount of time..he breathed..but his birth certificate said died. Then he came back alive..and for weeks he had so many surgeries on his little body. He has Vaters: a disease that thank god is not from his genes genetic. But..he has some bodily deformities and has suffered a lot in his life. He really wanted me to get all the down syndrome and disease tests..but I said no. You get these tests at about 15 weeks. and what..I get the test..which only gives a percentage- and then what. He did not get mad when we had the conversation. Because he is a wonderful, smart, and very patient and understanding husband. He knows I understand his great fear that his baby may have the same pain that he had..but he respects my decision that I would never abort this child.

So...on August 25th ...we are going for a second level sonogram. This will be a time when they will do their best to see the sex, and to see if there are any deformities. I am praying everything goes okay. I have this feeling that everything will be 100% perfect.
There is a lot to think about when you get pregnant. I guess for so long..I just wanted to get pregnant. I worked so hard to get here...and now..I am so blessed to have this support for all of you and my family and husband... I guess..I still need support..just for a different am i going to raise this baby: financially..and how am I going to be as a parent. Will I work...for how long will i take off..what about daycare. I need to slow down...I am overworking myself.  okay...took a deep breathe.. I should stop now..this is enough for now.
Do any of you have the same questions or fears?

So, I have been reading many of your posts..and I will catch up on  my comments!!

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Welcome June ICLW

Oh These Crazy Hormones!! Here is a vent!!
my count down to 13 more PIO Shots!!! yayayay!!!

I can not believe it is June..the end of June already! I feel so overwhelmed and like life is just flying by! As I sit here writing this post..I am one day one hour away from being 10 weeks! How cool is that! I am so excited. I thought..I am going to be crafty because I am going to be a mommy. That did not work out so well. I have never been the crafty girl, nor the Martha Stewart  kind of woman either. But, I can knit a scarf. I have been very successful at being able to give them as gifts. So for the last month..I have been knitting this scarf. But last night..I noticed in the middle( mind you the scarf is very long..almost done) there was a mess up. I was so bummed..I had to take it all a part. Oh well.. I have to just give in and think of it as practice. Maybe a scarf was not meant to be. I have been thinking to myself..while making this scarf I want to make little socks for my baby. I just need to learn how. This is my new mission.

Another thing: my morning sickness has gone away. I feel good about this..because the room has stopped spinning..but..why has the sickness disappeared. I tell you..I am always worrying about something. The spotting happened once more this Sunday. That really sucks. I think I may have this spotting throughout my whole I have to calm down about all the fears I have.

I am going to lose my baby
any pain I have..I fear it is the end
I will not get the chance to tell all my friends and family that I am pregnant
I fear I will get Gestational Diabetes_ I am going to get tested tomorrow:(

Body Image:
 This is hard. I went to my first prenatal appointment..I GAINED 10 POUNDS!!!
Okay...this was very very hard for me to realize. I am overweight..that is just the fact. but before I started IVf...I tried my hardest to lose weight so I could have a healthy pregnancy. I worked so hard..I lost 35 pounds. Still being a little over weight...I was getting to be very healthy. Once I started the hormones..they said I may gain 5 to 10 pounds. reality has sunken in: 10 pounds. I need to work really hard on not gaining more than 1/2 pound a week now. I guess that is what the books say. The other thing is just the body image. I have a tendency to compare myself to other women. I hate this part of me.  I have always had a bad body image. And now..I look bigger than a lot of the women in the same stage of pregnancy as I am. I have always been heavier than average..this is just another time...but it never does get easier.

As for friends: I love my blogging buddies and most of my friends have been there for me through this whole process. There is just one friend....she is not even taking my calls. I understand she has said things have been going on in her life that are tough..but I have other friends who have things tough in their life..but we are all there for each other. What kind of "friend"  is not there for their friend of more than a decade. I think I need to just let her go...because through out the past 4 years...I really do not get anything from the friendship. It is like a push and pull with her. Some times she will call..and things will be all fine..and she will call maybe once a week or once a month. Then all of a is so dramatic that she will not take calls or call me for months at a time. It is not an equal friendship. she is way too absorbed in her life. I know for sure I can get self- absorbed..but I always make myself available for my friends if life is hard or they need a congratulation.
I just feel like I have known her for more than 10 year..she is like a sister. Or maybe I just need to step back..and realize she is not able to deal with her problems or life the way I do and give her some space. it is just that I get attached and then she builds a wall. it is very painful. But I do understand that is how her mother treated her. I feel like I am giving her excuses..but I understand how she is just very very irritating.

Anyways...I feel lately like I have been super moody..and irritable. Everything..well..almost everything irritates me. It could be because I am not getting to sleep until 1:30am. Waking up at 3am because I have to pee..and then tossing and turning until I have to get up for work. more vent: Someone..very close to me..a family member called me out on Father's day. I am very very upset. I wish I could go more into the details..but the details are very personal to this specific part of my family circle. Let's just say...this one person has been using drugs. and my mom and I tried to help him  and his family stop drugs through rehab, take care of their the wife with enabling. Until..they all just quit trying. After a couple months, of supporting them. And When I say support, I mean every day..night and day..talking to them on the phone, going over to the house to talk them out of leaving rehab, or suicide, major life changes, being a shoulder for them to cry, vent, brainstorm ideas. MY mom and I were completely 100% their biggest cheerleaders. But then,..because the husband he  wanted to start drugs again...there was nothing my mom and I could do. They stopped calling, got mad at my mom for insane reasons. Just drive to my mom's work to drop off the baby..and then not show up. Basically..after months of trying to help them.....every day..they thought that they could just go back to using drugs, enabling her husband who is a major addict..and think they could waste out time...was painful..and well..we just refused to be taken advantage of. Now it has been a few months since they have spoken to my mom. They do not talk with with me..except for a sentence here and there about congrats on being pregnant. So there we are on Father's day..and they are just talking so bad about my mom: in front of me. I was defending her the best I could...but then after I pointed out there would not be a problem if your husband did not use drugs. She said oh no, he only smokes weed..he is pot head. I he told my mom he has been using cocaine too. She said. well. yeah.. but only here and there.

right then and there I wanted to scream...Denial!!!

I refrained myself.

But then she went off on me..saying your mother is controlling and controls everything you and your husband does. This is when I am positive my face was very very bright red. You know..I got a little flustered because I was shocked she was going there..

but the next day( today) I am so freaking pissed! I am pissed at the fact that she made me question my relationship with my mom. And I think when she said that and I was defending myself... her husband came out and they were smiling at each other as if they were enjoying themselves. I am so livid!!
I have never blogged like this when I have been angry..but I have to get this out!!! I am not conrolled by my mom. I am very blessed to work in the family business with her, and she has helped me pay for the whole IVF process...but I should not feel guilty for this. How dare she say that my mom controls know..she really does not know me. She is a cold, bitter women, who is not happy in her marriage because her husband does drugs..and maybe in a few days..I will actually feel bad for her. But for right now...I am done with her. Family or not..she insulted me. And when I asked her how my mom controls me..she said well..when you go out to ask you what to eat. This is completely false. My husband said when he heard this..he thought she completely has no idea what she is talking about. I just laughed and said anything else. She said with money. I said..well..I am very thankful and appreciative she has helped me with money..but how is that controlling. is just very sad. Because again..I thought I had a warm, supportive relationship with this women. Now I know, I do not. She is judgemental, cold, and way too sensitive. A few people have warned me about her., but I wanted to give her a chance. I really tried to look over her rudeness to she has attacked me...I am not going to try anymore.
I guess this is a venting post. I am sorry.. I try to be all positive here: but this is me right now. I am sure tomorrow I will be singing a happier tune. I should probably get some rest. I am sure..tomorrow after reading this I may need to delete my angry post..or I may learn something from this.
Good night all

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Tuesday, June 14, 2011

There is a Heartbeat!

Yes..there is a strong heart beat!! I have a growing strong baby growing inside me!! MY OB/GYN is so great. She calls me and says "are you alright? did you get an ultra sound?" I said no. She said.."I have appointments, but please come in. I am sure this is so overwhelming for you...and I will not be able to eat my lunch with out knowing if everything is okay. Come in and we will cry together or laugh and do the happy dance." I laughed..she made me laughed..that is why I so appreciate her. I picked up my husband from work and we drove through San Francisco like crazy to get there in 15 minutes.

She came in..and My husband loves her too. After going through UCSF clinic..most of the experience was so awkward..and we were not treated like humans..except for Dr Fujimoto( one of his assistants were good too) but my just warm..and calm..and patient. we laughed and took home pictures of our baby.

I can breathe now!!! I am getting a doppler tonight. Do any of you any good one to buy?

Thanks for all your support:)

Spotting And ER Visit

This morning at 4:30am I went to the bathroom and I went to the bathroom. I wiped and did my usual inspection. There was blood. I thought I was having another dream. I had a dream just last week that I saw blood. it was just like my dream, but I was awake. I went into the bedroom and told my husband, there is blood. I tried to remain calm, because all the books say during this part of the first trimester, there may be some spotting. So I tried to sleep, but that was so not happening. I grabbed my phone and had to check if Clewis was pregnant....she is YAY!!!! please congratulate her,.....I am so happy for her!!

I tried to go to sleep after commented and congratulating Clewis, but i had to go and check if there was more blood. I went..and there was. This is when I lost it. I started crying and my husband just kept on saying this is normal, but call the doctor. I did, and they said, this may be normal or could be the start of a go to your nearest ER.

We went, and I have never been so stressed. There was no talking in the car or on the wait. I just wanted to know if i couldsee my baby is still alive.

Bottom line, the doctor came in. No ultra sound. I was furious..he could only see if my cervix was closed. The Cervix is closed..but no ultrasound.


I have to wait for my doctor to call me today, I guess i will have to wait!

wait to see if this is a miscarriage..
wait to see more blood
wait to see if I am in more pain

Wait for my ultrasound on Thursday.

I just feel okay...I am hoping and praying this is just normal spotting. Why the heck am I spotting, I still do not understand. I am really angry right now..and wish I has some answers!!!

Monday, June 13, 2011

Some random thoughts

Tonight at 9pm I will be taking my last estradiol pill. I have been taking it for about two months. I feel really excited to not hear the alarm on my phone telling me at 9am and 9pm to swallow this pill (which I believe is giving me some pretty high emotions). But I am also really kind of nervous. I had a dream a few nights ago that when I went to the bathroom, there was a little blood. I was all kinds of messed up that day. I think I am just feeling..okay..there is no reducing of the medicine or blood test to make sure it is okay to stop the medication to secure the pregnancy will stay. I am still taking the PIO shots, but that also just stops abruptly on July 4th. Has anyone else had this experience or is my clinic the only one that just says , see ya.

As for other news: I am so excited fro all my new followers and the followers who have been so supportive. I must say, your blogs have given me such joy, inspiration, and at times you have really taught me a lot.

hands favorite blog has been The Stirrup Queen. I love a lot of blogs,but this blog brought me to all of you..and has sparked my creation for writing. Blogging has absolutely helped me in my life. I have been able to cope with infertility and found well: a hobby.
Here are my most inspiring blogs this week:

What a great idea from mel: The Stirrup's Queen idea for writing ideas

This post is amazing and please send your congrats. But be ready, this post may bring a few tears!

I had to add this in: I love all your comments and I welcome them. As for my new followers, some of you I can not see your blog..if you feel comfortable..please leave a comment and introduce yourself.

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Where to start?

For the first time in a long time I do not know where to start:
1) symptoms: at 8 weeks my boobs are getting bigger:) I have cramps in my belly..not sure if it is gas or what..but I definitely feel cramping alternatively from one side to another. Morning sickness has taken more of an effect. Two nights ago..I felt so sick. I was fine all night, and I was getting ready for bed. I was blogging and finishing up my last blog. I was reading about a fellow new IF pregnant women who was feeling dizzy, and as My husband came into the hit me. I told him I was not feeling good. He said nothing but was just staring at me. I asked him why he was staring. He said he just watched my face turn white. Within minutes I was running to the bathroom and threw up three times. That was not fun. I crawled into bed whimpering, and just appreciated being held  by my husband.

My PIO shots: The night of throwing up started out with a very bad PIO shot. Every night I stick the needle in and my husband pushes in the medicine. This night of all nights did not go as usual. I put it in and as my husband pushed it in, everything seemed really normal, until he brought the needle out. A long stream of blood came out. Blood squirted on the bathroom floor, and we were both officially freaked out. I had to use a couple pads, but over all, no more pain than usual. I was okay..just a little freaked out. Tonight was the first time we hit a vein and we had to put two needles in. I am so looking forward to being done with the PIO shots. The estradiol pills are done on the 13th. That will be nice to be done with 1/2 of my hormone regimen.

My Review of my clinic: okay kudos for  Fujimoto
      he got me pregnant: Thank you. The phlebotomists were great and very very patient with me. Now those may just be the two most important factors in picking a clinic. But now the negatives are pretty annoying. I picked a specific doctor, but I saw him one time and that was a horrible experience. So, that alone almost got me walking, but Fujimoto was so nice and was there for every appointment, retrieval and transfer. Here is the other bothering and annoying situations at this clinic. The people at the desk were a little annoying. There was one women that was very nice and had tact. The other women, specifically one women, was impatient and rude. She even said, in the middle of my cycle, something about my payment may not be needed just in case it might get canceled. This was two weeks into my stimulaton process. Why would she even say such a thing. My mind went straight to worst case scenario. Then..well...I am sure it happens to other people, but the day of the retrieval, a couple nurses seemed annoyed with me that they could not get my vein to work. It was not like it was my fault....but I did feel they seemed annoyed. And now..two months later I find out..during my retrieval while I was out doctor had them take a pregnancy test( at the retrieval) and now I am getting billed $112. This does not seem right..right? Another issue was, my doctor's assistant( the doctor I never saw) called me with my second pregnancy test result being a BFP, and said okay..we are not done yet..we still need you to come and get an ultrasound. Little to my knowledge..this ultrasound was not included in my IVF sum of about $14000. But the way the assistant sounds on the phone, she did not say anything about the price( since she knew I was not insured for IVF at their clinic, and I have an HMo that I could go get an ultrasound for $10. So, when I get to my appointment I am so excited to see if I am pregnant...( which I deserve to be happy about) the receptionist says, " okay that will be $320. I was shocked and demanded to talk to someone about this obscene amount. They do not have to pay now..but it is the price every time you come for an ultrasound. They then said, what do you want to do..I of course had to see if the baby was there..and my baby was there. Now the next day, I called the assistant twice..and she has not called me back. this irritates me a lot. My mom says it is only $320 and it is probably the hormones making me so upset, so just do not worried about it. I do not think it is my hormones..I feel like it was a scam..a miscommunication from my doctors assistance. So two very annoying things financially:1) 112 for a blood test a pregnancy blood test while I was out cold_ I could have gone to my hmo for ten dollars to find out if I was pregnant..which is a joke the day of  a retrieval. And 2) $320 for an appointment that should have been communicated was not part of my IVF process.
so..yeah..that is my vent for the night. I am trying to keep positive though...

Here are the positives:
1) I am pregnant
2) I have all the symptoms I am still pregnant
3) work is good: my blog thanks to a few new followers to my work blog  helped me
4) I have been walking with my friend who is 6 months pregnant and we have bonded so much the last couple months- sadly she is moving away. it is so hard to find truly great quality friends.
5) I am up on my bills. You do not understand. That is a big deal for me..
6) I am catching up on my blogging comments. I have missed you:)


Saturday, June 4, 2011

Long Post! it has been a while

Thank you everyone who helped me with my last post regarding supporting my work blog..:) I need as much help as I can...

anyways...As I catch up on my blogs...I am so mad at myself. I have really let some of you down. You have all been there for me through my whole cycle through every fear and joy..and I have not been there for you. I promise I will be there for you and support you because a lot of you are starting your journey for the first time and some are doing it again, while some of you are taking different paths and I am so excited for all of you!

I have been so absorbed in my new job, and my newly pregnancy. I have been busy trying to stay awake and I have been eating a ton. I do not think it is my baby asking for food..I think I have just always wanted to be pregnant and have always equated being pregnant with eating a lot of food. Not sure..but I am eating pizza, bagels, and lots and lots of cheese.

Oh!! Two days ago I had my first day of morning sickness. Very strange because the next day I felt..okay. Is  that normal? anyways. two day ago..I woke up feeling dizzy and nauseous. iIt was really bad. Okay...not so bad that I was vomiting or so dizzy that I had to hang on to the wall..but really dizzy and gagged a couple times. This was really not fun. I went over to my husband( since we work in the same business) and told him my symptoms. he smiled and looked happy about it. This was unnerving. I asked why are you smiling? He said, your pregnant! I just had to walk away...this bothered me. I then went in to tell me coworker, and she looked a little more sympathetic and said, she felt like this her whole pregnancy. This was not getting any better. I probably should have just blogged about it because everyone was just annoying me with their responses.
So, by 2:30 the symptoms went away. I have no idea what it was. I did not really eat much, just crackers, ginger ale, and mint gum. Since then, no morning sickness. Strange..but I am fine with no more morning sickness. I feel a little guilty complaining about pregnancy symptoms because I would do anything to be pregnant, but the symptoms are pretty gruesome. In the last week, I have gagged every day from smells that no one else can smell until I point them out, I have thrown up a couple times, and my boobs are so tender and they are growing!

I have gone to a few baby stores..but I have not let myself bask in  the joy too much, because they say miscarriages happen often in the first trimester..and well.I have 5 more weeks. It is so hard not to shout to everyone ..I am pregnant. Everyone knows in my office that I am pregnant..but not because I told them. because my mom has the biggest mouth! I have gotten congrats from lots of her friends..I have to say thank you, but it feels really awkward. I am not ready to be saying thank you..I am too worried about a misscariage, superstitions, and well...I would have like to have told them. My mom has taken that gift away. I am a little upset at her..but it is what is it..and I have a baby growing inside me. I have to just keep calm..but I have to remind myself I also have lots of hormones running through me.

Oh talking about hormones..the PIO injentions..I found now that I am not so fearful of that one and a half inch needle in my hip, I don't like the ice. With the ice, it is harder to move the progesterone around and I never liked the idea of putting heat near my if you can bear a little sting, do not use ice or heat. It really is not that bad. It has taken me a month to be brave enough to not use ice..but if you are going into your second month with PIO..try no is much easier and the result is no lumps.

Okay..I better stop now..this post is super long. i have much more to say..but I will save it for another post

Friday, June 3, 2011

Asking for a little help

Hello Everyone,
  I am asking everyone for a little support. I am working in my new job as a blogger and would love your comments, follow me, or any advice on to how to get more people to join my blog work blog:

This is a very different experience that I have writing with this blog from writing for this trying to conceive blog where I have found such great support from all of you. I do not get to get personal, nor do I get to express my challenges and problems in my life. I have been working on this blog for the last month, and I have had only a hand full of followers and comments . I would love your get the followship going..
Thank you for you support and I will be back this weekend with an update of my recent pregnancy symptoms.
Let me just say..I am 7 weeks and Yesterday I felt morning sickness from when i woke up at 6am all the way until 2:30. It was a doosy of a day! I can not wait to catch up with everyone's blogs..I have been seriously exhausted!

oH-- I had to add this to my I am blogging my favorite website right now is Huffington post! I really think the articles are just really new and fresh and the writers are great.

I read this article  it's about the octomom. The whole thing made me cringe and gave IVF clinics such a bad name. I was reading it and my doctor Fujimoto was quoted in the article more than half the article. I am so very proud. He put two embryos in and one survived. I loved him too because he was so calm and confident and was there for me the whole IVF process! I can not say enough great thngs about this doctor. is a quote from him:

Dr. Victor Fujimoto, who testified against Kamrava for the state and heads the fertility program at the University of California, San Francisco, said Thursday there was no doubt justice has been served with Kamrava's license revocation, and most doctors know better than to make such mistakes.
"The consensus that is very clear among my industry peers and my physician colleagues is that Dr. Kamrava operated well outside the standards," Fujimoto said.