Wednesday, May 11, 2011

One more day for beta! food is my only savior!

I am so frustrated..I have to wait one more day for my beta!! My hmo is giving me a hard time. I have to wait one more day! I tell you..when I got the call that I had to wait one more day just took the wind out of me. I had so much energy today and all my family and friends and blogging buddies waiting for the result...and then I find out I am just not a priority. I tellyou... this is just the essence of my experience trying to get pregnant. This journey has not been easy. I guess in my life, most things have come easy. I am not saying I get everything I want. It is more of the matter of..if I try hard enough, I get it..or I accomplish  my goals. This whole experience has just been a whole new experience of being out of control, learning to be patient, and finding out that it could always be worse.

I can not tell you how many different emotions I have had today. But people keep telling me to be positive. I really want to be....but I know what could happen...and it scares me to death! This has been so scary. Yes...I am so scared. No one else will allow to me to say this. They believe that if I share my scared feelings then I won't get pregnant. They think that if I get stressed out or say I am fearful..then I will not get pregnant. Sometimes I feel like maybe they just can not handle my negative anxiousness. And then that makes me think, how are any of my friends and family going to deal with my sadness or depression if I do not get pregnant. I have visions through this 2ww of shopping for my baby, and feeling it grow and being oohed at and ahhhed at with everyone sayign how "oh she has the glow" I fantasize of telling all of you and and all you cheering me on and then becoming a cheerleaders for you and all the new bloggers. I fantasize about names, and eye shape, and eye color, and then how I am going to raise my child or twins! and then the fear comes in and says, wait...this may not happen. So then I get visions of telling my husband to make the calls, eating a lot of ice cream, and throwing plates around. And then I are being too negative...just do not think about it. and then it starts all over again.

Then the symptoms are confusing. They feel like, cramping, and twinges..and then sometimes it's just gas.

Everyone is so excited for me..but I am screaming inside. I can not deal with this waiting. I know why every one says the 2ww wait is the hardest part of this whole journey. it really is.

alright..that is enough rambling from me for now. Okay one more thought..I am emotionally eating like crazy. Last week I went out for pizza and ate 4 pieces of pizza! The next day I went out for hamburgers and fries( in-n-out burger and fries animal style) then right after the burgers went out for ice cream! I have gone off the wagon. Food is my addiction. I really need to find out the result...if not..I am seriously going to need to go to food rehab! Oh yeah...and I have had chocolate! mm..actually that sounds good..

see ya..going for a chocolate cookie now!