Friday, September 30, 2011

Gestational Diabetes?!

Yes...there are more needles to come for me. I thought I was done with needles because I was done with IVF..but no. I have actual had to go every 4 weeks to check on my thyroid. Which, recently at 22 weeks got too high so I have had to increase it. Then, now this week at 24 weeks, I had my gestational diabetes one hour test to check if my levels were high. And yep!! They were. The level should not be above 139. Mine was 156. So...I had a melt down. Yes..I did. I am still having a melt down. I got so upset last night...because I did everything I could to get pregnant..100 injections, surgeries, biopsies. I can not handle a life one day of pricking my fingers to get blood, and then insulin injections 3 times a day. I just do not want to do it. ..............

I will do it for my little angel Alexander..but I just can not bare to think of the emotions and pain that I will have to go through. I am sure it will not be as bad as I am imagining, but I am really emotional right now. I have been at work and i just can not concentrate. And my mom..who is my boss..keeps making me get up so I can walk and need to decrease your carbs. I really want to say shut up!!! She is making me feel so guilty. I feel guilty enough..but the fact that she is complaining about my exercise or lack there of, and the food I am injesting is beginning to really get me to the edge. I just want a normal pregnancy....that is all I wanted from  the beginning. and it never seems to be happening! I also need to know what to eat fro a pregnancy, hypothyroidism, and gestational diabetes. Oh I forgot to mention I have to go in middle of next week for a 3 hour glucose test. They take my blood, then drink a nasty drink..wait three hours, take my blood again, and then take my blood again. Did I mention I faint sometimes with my blood taken. This sucks!! Three times..once is enough to make me oozy plus I have to fast for three hours. So not looking forward to any of this!:(

I am just thinking, this baby better appreciate me..I tell you... I am going to need some therapy. I have actually thought...therapy would be really helpful for me right now. I have body issues, health issues, and my relationship with my husband is really weird.

Last night I found out my blood levels were bad and my husband was sweet and said, it is okay..and tried to calm me down, but said it is scary though. i said i felt like crying, and he said go ahead honey. And I let out a huge cry...tears falling down like a waterfall. Then we went home and I went and walked on the treadmill as he cooked us dinner. When i got back, he said he was going to go get a massage.

The selfish irrational person that I am right now thought to myself...I am the one having the breakdown, why are you going for a massage. I did not say anything but I wished that he got me the massage to calm me. I felt really..well I feel really selfish for thinking these thoughts, but,....I feel like he is not thinking of me.  My rational thought process says, yes he is...he cooked me dinner, he consoled me when I cried, and he needs to take care of himself too. But my irrational brain is winning with feelings because I could really use that massage right now..but money is tight. He makes more than me, but I am not going to ask him for it. I feel myself being a little passive aggressive and trying to contain it. Maybe just putting this down might calm me down. You know...I may be a little off too because my thyroid level went from 2.69 to .88. That is a quick jump and pretty close to hyerthyroidism. My body is all out of wrack with blood, thyroid, and pregnancy hormones. I really just want to be by myself at home watching a comedy or dramatic chick flick.
As for now..I will try to contain myself at work....finish the day, go work out and get into bed. i can not wait to got to sleep. I have about 8 more hours!

Sunday, September 25, 2011

People say I don't look pregnant

Yes...this will be a little of a vent.
I am one day shy of 24 weeks. I was so excited to share with everyone( my families side) at a wedding how i am 24 weeks pregnant. From my husband's grandma- to the women serving our dinner, everyone's response is, " you do not look pregnant."

I have to say, I almost started crying...but I could not go into total wimpy mode because of family and a room full of happy strangers dancing a celebrating a couples love. My hubby noticed right away there was something wrong. He asked and I told. He said I looked pregnant. he could tell..well..then about 10 minutes ago i asked him to take a picture..and he said..this is not going to be a good picture because you are not showing enough.

but there it is above.

I think I look pregnant. But maybe because I am not skinny, the bump is not as pronounced. Not sure..but I am feeling very sad.  I always thought when i became pregnant, I would get the oh your pregnant and such from strangers and family. I never thought I would just look fat. Maybe this is just my insecurities talking, but the negative self talk is pretty strong lately. So, anyways..on to more positive thoughts,...

besides the whole body image issue..the family has and is very sweet and asks how I am feeling..talks about the name and all are very happy we are pregnant. My mother in law..bought cute clothes for Alexander already and I am able to talk to her about my fears and excitement of being a first time mother. That is really nice. Everyone seems really happy and awaiting a new little boy into their family. That is what I will take from this experience.i have to go now for another family gathering. I need to keep my sadness inside and just think..I am pregnant and healthy.

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

From one Infertile to another! A few tips.

Welcome new and veteran  ICLW.ers.

I have been through trying to conceive, been through IVF and succeeded the first time. I am currently 23 weeks! I know how lucky I am with the last point. There are so many couples who have to go through the torture of IVF, IUI many times. It is a very emotionally and physically draining process and that can cause issues in your friendships and with your partner as well. Don't ever give up on your dream though, whether is it going a different route, adoption, embryo surrogate, or so many other options. You will eventually be a mom and dad. If you are in limbo, or just finding out about your infertility, take a deep breath, and take care of yourself. It can be so depressing, but with friends, family, and this wonderful community, you will find the strength that is needed to survive these hard times.

If you are in the middle of your IVF process, I hope you are surviving the needle stage. Remember, with the needles in the stomach, pinch, and breathe, poke. If you feel itchy afterwards, remember to put witch hazel on. Oh and the hot flashes, they are a bitch. Try to dress in layers, and stay away from shopping. I remember whenever I went shopping or to target, I got so itchy and hot. Be sure to do something that you love and enjoy after the shots. As I write this, I only remember a few things. So if although you are going through physical hell right now with all the shots and hormones, you will be able to forget it for the most part. It will soon be just a distant memory..a memory you can be proud of. You are working very hard to make the dream of a baby a reality. And you can do this!

I wish you all luck in your journey, and you can read past posts that I have written of my IVF experience. Some are funny, and some are emotional. Probably most are my hormonal rants and raving about how this sucks. Because in many really did suck! I am not going to deny the fact that the needles were no fun, the hormones were overwhelming me and possessing me of my happy go lucky self.

ANYWAYS...I have to get back to catching up. There are some great posts lately. I love this community.

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Baby shower in The Jewish Tradition

So as long as I have wanted a baby..(since I was 10) I have dreamed of having a full baby and  being surrounded by my favorite aunts and friends and family members. Seeing lots of baby blue or pretty girly pink..with maybe a diaper cake and everyone rubbing my belly saying "oh your glowing" Getting wisdom of parenting advice while others tell me nightmare stories of their own labor stories. Then of course a few tears and a warm wishful toasts as everyone drinks champagne and I drink apple cider.

Yep! I have it down to the T!

Well, if Infertility has taught me anything, it is not to expect anything.  So I am driving home with with my mom in the car..( I drop her off every night because we work in the family business together) and she says to me.."you know I have to say, in the Jewish Religion..Jews do not have the baby shower until after the baby is born".

I automatically get pissed off because back story: she threw a baby shower for my sister in law almost 2 years ago! WTH!!!

And we are not even Religious. Yes we celebrate The high holy days and hannuka..but really we do not follow any rules or traditions. There are a few things I have done that has been religious. My brother and I had our Bat and bar Mitva's- and before my paternal grandma  passed away) my father's side of the family was orthodox went to temple and really put a lot of effort into their Jewish Community in New York and Florida) she asked me to have a Rabbi at our wedding. My husband is not she felt it was important to emphasize the importance that she wanted us to be blessed by a rabbi. mom said during the drive, I am not saying I do not want to throw you a baby shower, but it is bad luck. I said is fine..I do not need one. I dropped her off, and I ate half a bag of chips and vented to my husband who was driving and just smiled at me and listened and his advice:
lets go get some ice cream. I got excited and almost forgot about the disappointing news of not setting up a nursery and having a baby shower.

So we are there at the ice cream shop and I turn to look over at the frozen yogurt section,...and there he is him and his wife the rabbi that blessed us at the wedding. I forgot to say, as my mom walked out of the car to go home, she told me to look up more about the taboo and find out why it is a taboo to not have the baby shower before the baby is born.

Well..what a it fate or a sign, god..what have you. I was delighted and flabbergasted! We greeted each other we announced we were pregnant and they said they would be delighted to bless the child and our home. I am so excited. But then I could not restrain myself. I had to ask. so I told them of the conversation I had with my mom and the rabbi said it was introduced when there was a high mortality rate and no testing to see if the baby is okay, So now it is just a superstition. It is to protect the parents from a horrible grieving process if the baby does not make it. They said the nursery just normally is not made up until the baby is born. Other than is not in the law of the Jewish books, is just superstition..among mainly orthodox Jews.

So I called my mom and she was just as in shock that I bumped into the rabbi after our conversation. Needless to say..I am having a baby shower and I am setting up my nursery. I have that right..and I have been to the doctor and had baby is healthy and he will be coming home mid January.

So that is it: I am planning a baby blue theme with animals!

Monday, September 5, 2011

Vent and Relationship Topic

So I need to just vent here for a minute! I am 21 weeks pregnant today yippeeeeeee!!! so thrilled..but every time I take a step anywhere, my feet feel like they are are pins and needles and my lower back is killing me. Don't get me wrong, I would do IVF a million times to be where where I am, but I am in a little of pain here.

And MY inner bitchiness has come out as well. I am fighting with my husband a lot. I do not know what to say about this. I just want to nest and the house to look perfect, and I am not getting out the message in  the right way. In my head, I believe I am saying okay, next project next project, and he hears me yelling out orders. Not sure if he is more sensitive or I am being rude. It kills me that I am hurting him or irritating him in this way. I may need to reevaluate how I approach him or anybody else. Maybe this hormones or getting to me. and yes..maybe I have been a little on the grumpy side because I am in pain from my back and feet, tired, and still very sensitive to smells. I threw up at work from a bad smell from the kitchen on Friday and Yesterday on Sunday I through up from the garbage smell. Sometimes, I feel as if i am still not in control of my body.

I wish I was one of those women who find being pregnant to be a great time of peace with the self and liberation. I wish I felt proud and sexy with my new belly, but I don't. I am working on it, but people stare and rub my belly, and i do not feel good about it. I thought I would like the attention, but I do not look all glowy and sexy like the celebrities. I look tired, and flabby, I am in pain, and gassy.

okay,..that was a major vent.

ON the positive side: my home looks beautiful and extremely organized! Everything is organized and although I asked my husband to do his 5 loads of laundry( mind you we share a closet) and  him giving me a huge attitude for saying I would like him to do the laundry...he eventually did it. I am very happy that he has helped me and eventually does what I ask him to do..but why the attitude. I think I still, I need to work on my delivery. At least that is what he says I need to do and that is what being in a relationship means. I respect my husband and even though he really pisses me off sometimes, and our stubbornness gets us in some pretty heating arguments, we learn from each other and we are better because we push each other. We have pushed each other to grow up and be a better people since we were 16 together.

Do any of you have this same argument with your husbands or boyfriends? Any advice on how to get the message out with better delivery>

oh..and my feet hurt but the massage from the hubby sure helps!

I have been cooking lately too. Knowing me, it is a shocker! I don't cook, I do not like to cook, and frankly it scares me! So,...any easy recipes would be greatly appreciated:)

Here are a few tips from online websites:
1)Listen to your husband, rather than talking over him. Both of you are entitled to your own opinions, so never dismiss his feelings or thoughts because they don't coincide with yours.

2) Refrain from micromanaging a task you give to your husband. If he does a chore or favor for you and it's not the way you would do it, thank him for his effort and calmly explain that a different method might work better next time. Try not to speak down to him, since you both should be equal in the relationship

  • 3)Avoid negative facial expressions, body language and tone of voice when asking your husband to do something. Scowling looks, crossed arms and a raised voice are all detrimental in any situation and will limit your husband's willingness to help you out.


  • 4)Stick to the issue at hand, and don't look for the upper hand in a conflict. Do not start out with one argument and then bring up everything else your husband has done wrong recently. Focus on the present issue, and be willing to listen to his point of view to create a solution. Practice proper communication by repeating what your husband said to make sure you understand from where he's coming.

  • a negative and a turn off with husbands with nagging wives:

    A Nagging Attitude

    There is something about men that gets women to nag them especially as the relationship ages. Most men complain about the hard time they have contending with the continuous complaints and scorns that their wife dishes out in the name of self improvement. Women on the other hand have no clue what the fuss is all about, after all they are only trying to “improve” their man. 

    Have a great labor day:)

    Saturday, September 3, 2011

    a little more posting!

    I am reading the posts..and I am mad at myself for not  blogging and being a part of this community. I have been so busy moving and being self absorbed with  my pregnancy that I have missed out on so many exciting journeys you have been on. The last hour I have been commenting and crying!!! I am so happy for all the new pregnancies, the adoptions as well. I am here for you for you new IUI, IVF, and 2ww angels! I am crying remembering what I went through..this is a hard journey! And now at two days  away from 21 weeks, I am faced with the memories of how special this baby is and what I went through. are a few symptoms I left out:
     I feel the baby moving! husband read to him  every first it looked like he was talking to my woowoo! but the belly is getting really round and  he does look like he is talking to our little ALexander are some not so fun symptoms:
    1) emotional_ cried at the bank yesterday
    2) constipation or weird shifting of the intestines
    3) extreme bossyness and anal behavior with my husband

    I went and deposited a check at the bank in the atm..I put the check in for $1132.22. The receipt came out $132. Well.. no one at the bank would help me and the manager said she is the manager, then would say i am not the manafger. She initially made me wait for a half an hour and did not look at me, as I watched her help three more people. Very rude! Yeah..I will not be going back there. in is best not to deposit checks in an atm, or a bank located in a grocery store. But..really..I had no control of my the end the said 10 days until i can get the check into my bank and it is labor two weeks until it is in my bank. Yeah..burns a little

    then the constipation. So the uterus at 20 weeks starts miving above the belly button. I guess than transfers and the intestines around. it is pretty weird feeling. The constipation is no fun..I have to remind myself to drink lots of water.

    then the analness! Well.. we moved into this new nice apartment/ I want it to be perfect, baby proof and clean. My husband and I have known each other since we were 16. So we are kind of kids..well not anymore but we grew up together and sometimes our immaturity comes out. We are messy and bicker like we are high school hormonal teenagers. He does not like throwing away things and he hates moving. so he has been really sensitive lately and I want things to be perfect for the baby..I am having a hard time getting him to be more open,...mind you he has a lot of clothes. In so many cases, men actually have more clothes than women!

    21 weeks and In my new home

    Here I am: in my new home! I am very excited to be in my new home with a nursery available to set up. It has been a crazy week of working 6am to 7 to 7pm! I am smiling from ear to ear singing and dancing it is the weekend. Did I tell you there is an ice cream shop one block away from my house and it is going to be in the 90's this weekend! I am so excited! It has been more than 10 years since I have lived where there is sun! If any of you have lived or visited San Francisco, you know what I am talking about! Fog city! Nice to visit..but I was raised in a sunny small town..and San Francisco was just too much for me..with the heavy traffic, bad drivers, bad energy....and well the fog.

    Here in my new home town....people are a little slower, smile and say hi. Kids and teenagers are walking and talking, kids are running in the streets and playing at the park. Last night we went for a walk through the neighborhood. We saw father's walking with their sons, couples walking their dogs, older men watering their garden, and walked to a park, with green grass for soccer and baseball, with children running and playing int he park, and a group of men playing a serious game of soccer. It was so refreshing. I had realized that in my home town, I never saw any kids running around.

    As for my pregnancy, the ligaments are starting to hurt a little. Long painful burns...and I am amazed how much I am growing. I have gained about a pound a week. I still feel very guilty about gaining weight. My doctors have me worried about gestational diabetes. I am sure everything will be alright, but all my doctors say I am pre pre diabetic. ...well whatever that means!

    Lately I have not felt very sexy. sex..what is that. Yeah...first time in my life not feeling it at all.
    Hmm..had a little shocker this week. My feet swelled up! Not a little.. my right ankle was missing!!! well..I went home and about 3 hours with lifting them and got better. I am going to keep my feet up while I work at my desk and remember to walk around every hour and limit the salt.

    Okay..I have some catching up to do! I hope you all are okay.