Thursday, December 22, 2011

Having my Baby on Jan 11!!! 21 more days!

I have been thinking about posting for a couple days now. I am not sure why I have decided to post..when I am in one of the grumpiest moods I have been in during this whole pregnancy. I really think the hormones and lack of sleep has put me into a bitch mode lately...but I am positive I will find things to be happy about by the time I am done writing this post. THis is one of the reasons why I love is my journal really...yet..I get reality checks and high fives from so many supportive blogging buddies.

 So...I am in the 36th week..officially I am in the 9th month. Writing this such an accomplishment. There were days, months, nights...where I never thought I had a chance to be pregnant. So here I am: belly is growing...and boobs have not grown...that is a bummer. I have heard since I was younger that having a baby makes your boobs grow. Now for me...I do not have big boobs, so I have been looking forward to this for years. be honest..since I was in elementary school. Therefore..when I went into the department store at 8 months and got my bra measured and it showed I was still a size b cup..I was mortified. Why me!!! I got over it in a  few minutes, but really no growth...weird. The nipples have changed in size and color, but no growth. So this is what i have been seeing in the mirror.  Big belly, overgrowing the boobs. would be awesome to have big boobs growing with big belly..but nope! Not in the cards for me. I think it is grandma was small like me too. Oh well.

okay...enough about my boobs:)

ON to my due date!!! my official due date is Jan 17th 2012. But I got to pick my inducement day..and where I am having my baby. Here I go...the date is set at 12pm at the hospital of my choice on Jan 11!! Yayayayayay! 21  more days! I can not believe it. Oh..if any of you have had the experience of labor...and especially if you have had inducement meds during labor..please comment and give your experience...the more the merrier. Lately...I have been real nervous about the pain. I have always dreamed of being pregnant, but have always had fear of the labor. so yeah...I have been watching on tlc and another show..c-sections, natural births, inducent, name it..just getting myself emotionally ready. I know, I know..nothing prepares you..but this is just how I am. Before I did all the shots..I read all your experiences and watched it on youtube for hours. This is just how I operate.

OH...and the baby was weighed in..during the sonogram, they got a range of size. Little Alexander is on the smaller average. 5lbs, 5ounces. How cute..right?:) Well..this is great news, considering I have gestational diabetes, and many women with GD have big babies..and that is a negative and can create some bad things for the baby and mother.

SO I am happy, also my blood sugar level has been really good. I am impressed, I had a chocolate sees candy and a  half of the best chewy chocolate chip cookie..and I my blood sugar was fine!! A week a go, my sister in law made vanilla sugar cupcakes, and my blood sugar was fine! This is such good news. I do not have to completely deny myself all the yumminess the holidays have to offer...I just need to moderate it.

So symptoms:

sleep: that is a joke. I am tossing and turning, and the turning is really hard to do now. My belly is big and well....when I get takes a while to actually get up and start is a real waddle.

things to buy: I have everything except the stroller, rocking chair, and crib sheets and mobile, and infant or toddler carseat. I just had to pay $800 for my this has set us back a little. It is embarrassing, but we are not rich...we actually struggle a bit..too many bills, not paid a lot. But I am trying to keep it all in perspective. I think this is a big reason why I am grumpy. Not having money. I had to be low with the gifts this year. This has never happened. Here I am getting so many gifts from family and friends, and I can not afford to get anything. I am just getting my direct family( mom, dad, brother, husband) presents. I got my dad, brother, sister in law and nephews magazine subscriptions. I thought this was a good idea..since they get it for a whole year. I hope they like it. If not,..get over it..that is all they are getting. :)

My mom I am getting some earings. I really do not have money for I will use my macy's gift card I received for my birthday.  For my husband..I am thinking of actually not getting him anything..but what if he gets me something..I am screwed. me out...what could I get him..that shows I love him dearly..but is not a lot of money. I will feel guilty if I do not get him something.
Okay...have to go off to a another doctors appointment for my no stress test. These doctor appointments really stress me out. And starting next week, I will be going in twice a week. Bummer:(
but at least I know my doctors are taking care of my baby!

Monday, December 12, 2011

35 weeks, Babyshower update..and more

It has been a few weeks... I have not been blogging lately..because a new symptom of my pregnancy is carpal tunnel. It is hopefully just a pregnant thing. I do not like to start my blog posts with a vent..but I am going to today. This pregnancy is a miracle. Without the help if IVF, I would not be 35 weeks week short of 9 months. I am so blessed to have this round belly and baby kicking ...but there are some major challenges with least with my pregnancy.

 I have seen on tv, and in magazines how women say.."oh I love being is so liberating."

BS....not for me. This is a real pain..literally. I am complaining daily...all the time..I am even annoying myself. My back hands...I can not feel my tips of my fingers because my wrists are so swollen that the fluid is hitting a nerve, so I have shooting pains at night..that start at my finger tips all the way to my elbow. My feet are swollen so if I walk for more than a hour..I get sharp pains in my legs. calves..they give me muscle spasms everyday.  Heartburn is no fun...and then there are the insulin shots because I have picked up gestational diabetes.

IT COULD BE WORSE! No baby...right? I need to just suck it up..but man.... no sleep and with all the is getting really tough.

as for positive...there are so many:

I had the baby MIL took some as soon as she sends them to me..I will post. It was beautiful and so loving. I understand why they call it a shower. Because I was showered with lots of love. My family and friends were there and seemed so excited about the celebration of my little Alexander. I think women really like baby showers. They all seemed so happy and everyone wanted to touch my belly. it was fun...I enjoyed it. I did not cry...thank you very much. I cried on the way to the party...but there I held it together. I got so many presents.  I must have received..10 blankets. People really like buying soft cozy blankets. This baby of mine will never be cold. And I got some real cute clothes. I did laundry all weekend..and he is set for the first 3 months.It took me about an hour or an hour and a half to open everything. For was too many people. There were 26 people there...all women I wanted to see and who love and will be in Alexander's life..but for was hard..because I was not able to spend good one on one quality time with each one. I like to chit chat and hear how everyone is doing..and have good conversation...instead..I was like the entertainment..that was awkward for me

what else:

35 weeks today. This baby is so active...he likes to push his elbow or knee into my right side. He predominately stays to my right. His butt is near my rib cage and hand and feet to my right..his head in down which is good.

his has the hiccups about twice a day. It was cute at first...but I feel like he may be scared or uncomfortable for all the hiccups.

Oh..I went to three classes last week.

1) Natural birth
2) epidural
3) pedicare

The natural birth was interesting. I probably won't be using any of the great positions that were taught because I will be induced..but the breathing I believe will be helpful.  and the epidural was freaky. The whole process of the needle going in we watched and then the guy giving the lecture must have been sedated..because my husband and I were catching each other falling asleep. It was challenging.

the last class was fun..we got to practice diaper changing, bathing tips, and other fun things I am nervous about.

I have been watching baby story and a lot on tv. I am getting ready emotionally for the birth of our son. I am really nervous I have to admit. It is scary to think of pushing this big 5 pound  soon to be bigger baby out of my vagina! Sorry for the TMI,, but it freaks me out. I have been feeling a change of heart in wanting my two best friend, and my mother in law in the room. When I first got pregnant I called my best friends and I told them I wanted them in the room.  and Then in October my mother in law said could she be in the room..I said sure. But now.I will be naked...vulnerable and naked. Did I say naked....and in pain...I do not want everyone staring at me...and things could come out..I may be swearing, crying, I just want my mom and husband in the room...I feel most comfortable with these two people. In all honesty...I  really do not want my mother in law in the room. I feel she has every right to see the baby...when he is born..but I do not want her staring at me when I am pushing. I am actually very shy and prudent when it comes to me body.

Anyways...I will probably blog some more..when I get feeling back in my fingertips:(

oh..everywhere I go..people comment on when I am due. It is awesomeness~!!:) I am really showing. I never thought I would get to this point...I thought I would look just chubby...but everyone kisses my belly and rubs it..and Alexander is so loved already:)

Wednesday, November 30, 2011

First Trip To Labor and Delivery

Yep..went to the labor and delivery today. Still in a bit of shock. Just realized how fragile this little one is, how I am not prepared for the baby to come home yet..and how much I love him.  I have cried a few times...and nothing even really happened..he is fine!

Since I have Gestational diabetes, you must be in the high risk department of obgyn. One part of that process is at 32 weeks, you are mandated to go weekly to and after 35 weeks  you go biweekly to get nst.

 NST: Non stress tests. They monitor your babies heart beat, and they also monitor you contractions. By monitoring your contractions, they monitor by putting the tool to gather info about contractions at the top of your uterus.

So..what they look for is within 20 minutes to see your baby move..and within those movements the baby's heart rate to accelerate from the movement and then to go back to normal two times.

So..last week..everything went fine. He did it once, and then at 20 minutes the nurse put a little buzzer to my belly..and little Alexander did it again.

This time..was different. I asked the women for water..but she never got it for me..this gets the baby moving every time. I was a little annoyed with the women..she seemed really confused and overwhelmed. Well..20 30 minutes went by and she would pop in and still sleeping. And then she just kept buzzing the thing on my belly. I was getting really annoyed because I thought maybe she is scaring my baby and why is she not getting me my water and not telling me what is going on..why has it been 45 minutes.

So...eventually..she looks all panicked and says..let me bring this paper to the doctors to evaluate.

She comes back and explains that..Alexander's heartbeat decelerated when I had a contraction.

OKAy......and then she said you have to go to the hospital to labor and delivery. can imagine heart dropped and I went into panic mode. I was by I tried to be calm... I had my kindle and as I eventually got to the hospital room, got in my hospital bed, all vulnerable in my robe, I waited patiently  for the doctor to come.

Eventually after three hours of monitoring the  baby...he was good. All good accelerations with his heartbeat...he was moving around, I ate a little and drank lots of ice water.

The doctor did eventually tell me..after looking over all the deceleration and then the present acceleration beats and ultrasound that everything looks good. She said the deceleration may have just been the baby doing something to the cord..but maybe not. 

I have to say, I am a little shaken by the hole thing. Rushing to Labor and delivery..waiting and getting no response from worried faces from nurses and doctors. Sitting by myself for 4 hours..worried from another doctor saying if the deceleration occurs again they will have to induce contractions.

Just glad it is over and worried a little about  Alexander being stressed out.

I am here at work for another few hours..really not here in my body though...I feel emotionally drained.

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Award Love:)

I  am excited to get an award....from one of my favorite blogger buddies Miss Mac, from MAC and PC:) I have found her blog to be so helpful in my journey of IF. She is one of the original blogs I have been following since I found out my husband and I were challenged with conceiving over a year ago. It was a hard time and I was frightened of the unknown process IVF was taking us through.  I would turn on my computer and MISS Mac would always give me words of encouragement..and I would go into her archives and find so much great informative posts into taking the pio shots, and many other issues in this emotional roller coaster we all go through.

 here are my five choices that have followed me and I have followed them this whole process of iVF and now I through my 8 months of Pregnancy:)

1) Dreaming of Babies
2) Baby On my mind
3) Alex
4) The Rocky road to Motherhood
5) Here I go thinking again

Here's how to spread the Liebster Love:  

  • Copy and paste the award on your blog
  • Thank the giver and link back to the blogger who gave it to you
  • Reveal your top 5 picks and let them know by leaving a comment on their blog.
  • Hope that your followers will spread the love to other bloggers

Need MIlk: A great post from a blog Buddy

From one of my favorite blogger buddies, The Rocky Road to Motherhood:
she has found a great organization called Human Milk for Human Babies. She connected with her local chapter on Facebook and was then put in touch with local moms and babies looking for milk.

This is a great informative help mothers who
 might be adopting a newborn, or having issue with breast feeding might want to look into it.  Also if you have a frozen milk supply you might want to look into it as well.

Monday, November 28, 2011

Am I wrong to Complain?

I hope everyone had a fun Thanksgiving. I was also my it was very warm and sweet. Since I have gestational diabetes..I was worried about what I was going to eat. Well..I ate everything..little bites of all my favorite foods( sweet potato..stuffing, and pecan pie!,..yum). And my blood sugar was  was good. I contribute me running around chasing my 2 year old niece to the good health. She is so adorable. I got lots of cards and a prenatal massage from my husband. It was so good. The Claremont Resort and Spa in Berkeley gives the best massages..if you live in California or ever visit..I promise if you book an appointment at the Claremont resort and will Thank me:)

 I got the kindle from my sweet! I love it. You can get magazines( not too many of a selection) but still...I can read the paper, read a book, and read upon a few recipes..very cool!

Thank you for your sweet comments on my last post...I love this community so much!

 As for someone asking me to give more info around the gestational diabetes..I will work on that. I feel so overwhelmed with it, and really there is not a lot of info or blogs for the GD community. SO I will either do a seperate blog..or just do a few long posts. Still thinking how I want to go about it.

Strange moment of the Week:
 I was in the Joanne's craft store getting decorations for the holidays with my husband, and a women without asking put her hand on my belly and asked "how long? Rubb for good luck!" it was so awkward and I was in shock..I just started laughing!! I said..oh one has ever done that before...she then asked...."your pregnant right?" She asked that after the fact!!! Anyways..I was shocked first, and then excited that people in public can tell I am pregnant not just chubby...but then a couple minutes later..I got a little annoyed. I never said strangers can come up and touch my body without asking! It is actually kind of rude. As for family members..fine...for the most part..but not strangers!

As for symptoms: I have a few more!! My hands are swelling. I am 33 going into my 8 and 1/2 months of pregnancy. I believe this is a normal thing. But gosh it really hurts. I have to admit..I am getting sick of myself complaining. On mom wanted my help with ideas for shopping for food, gifts, party supplies for the baby shower this coming Sunday. So from 11am to 6pm I was mostly on my feet walking and standing in line. it hurt so bad. My hands were so swollen they felt tight and tingly and like they were going to cut off. My feet were swollen and I had pins and needles. I was tired and well. My grumpyness got really bad in baby store..babyrus. I feel so guilty..but here is my confession:

 My mom, husband, and I are in the babyrus..we went there to find a doll for one of the games. Well..I am having  boy..but all they had in the doll section were girl dolls. There was one boy... but it said 3+ and it was $30. My mom said..lets just get a we can give it away to her other granddaughter afterward. I was getting so pissy. complaining that I am having a boy...we can not get  girl. It got a little heated. Okay...I am laughing about it now..but I was pissed in the store. ) Are you kidding me!) I can be so ridiculous. I was absolutely out of mind complaining to my husband around the corner saying my mom is just doing this for her granddaughter My husband had to give me a hard lecture later saying I was being very grumpy and selfish..because my mom is paying and getting so many things for this baby shower. I guess I is just a baby shower..why are we playing 10 games that all cost all this money..and why is she spending 100's of dollars. I was also complaining that my mom asked me to help with everything, and I will not be surprised by anything with this baby shower! And I am not getting a cake! And months earlier, my mom was complaining that in the Jewish faith, it is taboo to have a baby shower before the baby is born! Bottom I appreciate her so much. The fact that she is throwing me a fun fabulous!!! Whether is will be a crazy tata party or friends and family are there to welcome my little Alexander..and it will be very sweet.. because of the people and the joy and effort my mom has put into this party. I get a little feeling like she is showing off a little, but that is my mom. really..I would be fine with 10 people and a quiet day with a few presents and some simple food Instead..there are 25 people coming, 10 games, a tone of food that is catered...and we wrapped presents for everyone.  is what it is..and I am excited to be a part of it..oh, other thing that is real strange:
hardly anyone is buying off the registry...and I have not received anything. I hear this is common..people just buy what they want! Why!!!! This is a baby shower not a birthday party. I know..I need to be just appreciative the fact they are showing their love and all..but I am not rich by any means. I actually need all the things on my registry. I just hope they get a gift I do not just have 25 onsies:)

 I hate the way this all husband says I sound like a spoiled brat. Maybe I do...and maybe I am...I will have to look at that. I am real self absorbed, I can fess up to that. Maybe it is the lack of sleep, or the pain I am feeling in my hands, feet, and peeing all the time. I am a real grump. I have come so far to be the most grateful person to have this baby growing inside me..and all I do lately is complain about this and that. I have to work on being appreciative. I mean..don't get me wrong..I am aware of how good I have it..I just feel I have been complaining a whole lot. I have been more emotional lately too.
case in point:
 I was driving to my massage Friday on the Freeway and I looked to my right and I saw the golden gate bridge with the most beautiful sunset. The sky was pink..and it was so beautiful! I started tearing up! Yeah..the hormones are strong right about now:)

Things I love and what I appreciate:
I love watching Alexander move in my belly. My belly is getting bigger because he is getting bigger and stronger! Yesterday morning he kicked right near my ribs. He has never done that before. It still tickles when he moves arounds..oh...and he has been getting hiccups a lot He must be preacticting swallowing:)
  When you have gestational have to get a non stress test..once a week..and after 3 weeks..twice a week. basically you have to monitor for 20 minutes your baby's heart beat and your contractions, the amniotic fluid, his heartbeat. His heart beat must go up twice and then go down twice within 20 minutes Within the 20 minutes he did it they did a little vibration and that got him moving. I felt a little bad..but they said it does not affect the baby.

 Then I felt a movement above  my belly I often feel, like a hardness. I always thought it was ALexander's butt or foot..pushing..but nope! The doctor said that is a contraction! I had no idea!! holy moley!!!!! I guess these are braxton hicks..just practice runs. They are not painful...but you can really feel the tightness. I in for it with labor!! Freaking out just a little bit!!

This week...after the shower..I will post pictures of the nursery...we got a few things done..but I want to wait to show you the pictures with the finished product!

I hope you all are doing okay:)

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Looking back at my IVF Process: 31 weeks pregnant

31 weeks this week! I am one more week away from going into my 8th month. I never thought I would get here. I really never did. It feels like just a few weeks ago, I was searching for the reason why I could not get pregnant. The blame and the guilt, and the jealousy was really hard. I was listening to Ben Harper on Sunday. It brought me back to memories when I was getting all the the biopsies, and seeing lots of doctors. My brother and his wife and parent's were basking in the joys of their new child. Every time I would go to facebook, I would learn of a new friend or relative who was announcing their pregnancy. I started this blog because I found others who were suffering as I was.

Suffering:  I was in so much pain. I was crying everyday. And the days that were hard: were the days I heard relatives and friends got pregnant. I would go into the bathroom  and cry for a good hour. I was done for the day. The days I got my period after trying with opk sticks and voodoo dolls, and so forth...the day I would get my period was like someone had died. It was very painful emotionally. The physical pain of my period at the time were minute compared to the emotional pain and guilt I put on myself.

Then came the uncomfortable looks of pity from family and friends who knew what I was going through. I love my mom dearly, but she told everyone what I was dealing with. So, I could not escape it. It could have been in my head, but I do not think so.

Then the trip to the fertility department. That was a hard day. Because when you start trying for a takes a strong person to admit..okay, we tried everything, now we need doctors to intervene. At this point, my body was not mine anymore. In many ways, I felt violated. I can not count how many doctors saw me vulnerable and naked. It was not a good time in my life, and I have to admit, I was very grumpy. My husband and I were fighting, and we both felt extremely guilty and inadequate.

Then we found out what happened. My body was healthy, but not my husband's. This was very sad for him. And I had to be very patient. His sperm was not dead, but not strong enough to make a baby naturally. The words:

IVF is the only solution.

This was so hard to hear. In one way it was a relief. Okay...we can stop suffering and move on...there is a solution..and we know what to do. But it was very scary.

We learned about all the needles. It seemed so painful and grueling....

It was. It was painful, it was consistently stressful, and it was frightening.

But we did it..because we wanted a baby...and it was not so painful that it was unmanagable. The hardest part was the  1 and 1/2 needle of progesterone I had to put in my butt cheek  about 95 times. This was not fun...every night. Then there was the 2 week wait. This was emotionally hard. You think it is hard waiting for those two weeks when you try naturally, try putting huge amount of hormones in your body, surgery, 10 doctors looking at your private parts, get your blood taken everyday for a couple weeks, and put in 15 to 20 thousand dollars, and then wait for two weeks if everything is going to work out..while at the same time shooting our butt cheeks with an inch and a half needle every night.

So after everything...I became pregnant. And I will never forget it. I am so thankful for this blog so that I had a place to express myself, and one day I can read it myself. As well..and all the support I received while going through this process. all you girls suffered with me and and gave me support. I cried with you when things went wrong, I laughed and rejoiced when your got your BFP!  

I have realized it is okay that most of my followers have dwindled down because well..the audience has changed. I feared this would happen..but I have accepted it. And I understand it. When I was going through IVF  and trying to conceive, I blocked so many family and friends when they said they were pregnant. But now, that is my life...

It comes with the territory. I get a few comments...and I so appreciate them. I love hearing when you all get your bfp..but for the longest time..I could not hear any bad news regarding IVF or trying to conceive. I feared so much.

I stopped reading most posts about most pregnancy or trying to conceive blogs. Everyday, especially during the first trimester I feared I would miscarry. This was not something that was little or that I was neurotic. I had blood one day..and I had to got to the er. Everything was fine, but I found out later that day that my mom had never told me that she had miscarried after she had me. Then every time I told someone I was pregnant, they were telling me of someone they knew or worked with that had a miscarriage. I turned on the news, and some celebrity had a miscarriage. Then, I would turn on my computer and read about a miscarriage in this community. It was too painful and scary for words. I just kind of  stopped blogging and wrote a few times a month. Plus, the first trimester really gets you tired and well morning sickness takes a hold.

But since the second trimester I have been blogging more and learned of so many happy stories. Some sad..And I cried reading them..and I hope with all good thoughts that many of you one day get your baby no matter how you do it..I know you will. 

Can I tell you how happy I am to see all the pregnant bellies that I have followed through their pregnancies. I am so happy for so many of you who have struggled and now have given birth or have shared their beautiful nurseries, and the beautiful bellies. You are all so beautiful. 

As for my 31 weeks update:

two things.

This baby is healthy! You know how I know..HE WON'T STOP MOVING!!!

seriously...he won't. I can not sleep. That is the one draw back..but I guess this little boy is getting me ready for reality...I went to a breastfeeding class..and well..I have to feed him every every two hours for the first month. 
I never knew how extensive breastfeeding was. It is an art. Very interesting how the baby's saliva tells your body what kind of milk to produce. Very interesting how the baby will be more likely to like one boob than the other or one position because of how he or she was positioned in the womb. All very interesting how natural everything is. But how not natural breastfeeding can be. 

I guess I will learn..I think I am a little nervous. I hope I will be maternal and natural with the baby. I think there is a lot of pressure with breastfeeding. I am nervous my milk will not come in. But I will try to go with the flow. 

I am off to reading your blogs now:)

Monday, October 31, 2011

Update: My butt can't get any bigger! is one of those rants again. Last night I was brushing my teeth and I had to do it. Yes! I turned around. I did  it because I felt my pants were really tight. My pajama pants are always loose. I could give an excuse like..I just put them on after I did a double laundry load..30 minutes longer than usual..but this was feeling different. SO ...I did it. I turned around and I got the shock of my life!


Okay...I am pregnant..7 months...but really...I had no idea. I was shocked...I actually was nervousness. Why didn't anyone tell me. It is enormous!!!

So I walked into the bedroom to where my husband was lying down peacefully reading his book. I lye  down next to him and say, "why didn't you tell me my ass was so big."  He giggles..but that giggle...really bothered me. So then, I did it...what every women swears they would not do. I asked him, "my butt is big right?"

and guess what he said?????


I was mortified. My own husband is agreeing my ass is as big as a city!!!
 Okay...I ask him the same question a couple times..thinking he would so.."no really isn't that big are sexy..and I like it!!" None of that. He did not give me any bullshit. I wanted bullshit at that moment. But nothing..just got a big ass women!!( he did not say that...but it is implied)

I guess I can not do anything about this. This is where my weight goes..thighs belly and the butt.

as for other pregnancy happenings:

I am getting closer to my baby shower. It is in the beginning of far: someone has purchased on my registry a genie garbage to get the diaper stink away, a infant carseat, and a portable high chair.

This really is very exciting.

 I had a little mini nervous breakdown this weekend. It really was not a is just that every time I go baby shopping..I think of how much everything cost and if we will be able to do it..will I be home..will I go to work..what about the high price of daycare and baby sitters. It just gets me really stressed out. ... is not great for us..we get by..but we do not make a lot. I am very appreciative of family who have been gracious to get us any of the registry a stroller car seat and a crib. I was a little saddened that my brother and wife have not offered anything to us...but that is what it is. maybe they will.. but..the baby will be here in less than 3 months..and they have not brought over anything and never really talked to us about giving us anything. It has been weird. I have heard from other friends that their family gives them a ton of stuff..but here I am and my brother does not even call me. Family....whatever...

I have moved on. I had my little rant about it..but I am is what it is...I have faced it and I just can not depend on him.

to fun things: we have decided on a theme..well...three themes..and I believe it is driving my husband nuts.
 But here is the thing..I live in California, but I like everything in the UK. I love Beatrix potter theme...but you can only get everything on ebay or from companies in the UK! So frustrating. And I love kind of 20's style as well as vintage. You just can't get these kind of items at babysrus or target. I am very picky.

as for the pregnancy:

How far along: 29 weeks today

Symptomsa little heartburn...anxiety, lack of sleep, hard time breathing at night, pain when getting up after sitting, hard to get up in the middle of the night. My left foot is swollen by the end of the day. My feet hurt after walking or standing too long. I am getting more tired.  A little grumpy. Stuffy nose

Baby Related Purchases: nothing...just looking. My husband thinks if I were to buy something I would feel better...I just look and like..but I have not purchased anything. I feel like I am getting closer...but the room is still empty and that freaks me out.

Maternity clothes:  I finally bought maternity clothes...and ...I LOOK PREGNANT!  I will post a belly shot later this is so exciting. Before I was just wearing baggy sloppy clothes..but maternity clothes helps you look pregnant. It was great..especially last week for my 15 year  high school was awesome..I looked pregnant..and I was rubbing my was really sweet how everyone was coming up and rubbing my belly for luck and talking about their kids and their pregnancy. It was a great time.

Sleep:again..not a lot of I am tired and a little cranky through out the day. I pee just about 10 times a night..and it is hardly anything. That is frustrating. A few times I will go into the bathroom and nothing will come out....what is that about!!! left hip hurts from sleeping on it..because the doctor says no sleeping on your back or your right side. I wake up at night on my right side and my back..but the baby wakes me up kicking.

Best Moment of the Trimester:  watching little Alexander moving around while my husband and I watch! Ohhh..right now he gave a good kick. It is amazing to watch my belly move.. he has been very active. I can not wait to meet the little guy!!! 

 Strangest Moment: well... the movement. He is very active at times. Sometimes I have to squeeze my husbands arms because the movements shock me and is a little scary to see my belly moving around like in  the alien movie. Sorry..but it is a little strange!

 Movement: there is a lot. Especially at night after dinner. It is so fun. I really have no idea what is a punch kick or a roll. I have an idea what roll is..but it kind of feels like a pulling and one part of my belly will get really hard. A punch and a kick though..not really...but it makes me jump at times. My mom put her face to my belly and he kicked or punched her..that was funny. And my husband likes to put his face or hand and just feel the baby.

Cravings: nothing actually. That is not have any cravings...I have had too many pickles fingers are swollen. and I think that is why. I need to cut back on my pickle obsession.

Gender:  BOY

What I miss:  sleep..yep...a comfortable night sleep on my belly...drooling and all. I have not had a good night sleep in way too long. I miss sushi....and bagels. Since I have gestational diabetes..I have been sworn off yummy ice cream, cake, cookies, and bagels. Just typing this up infuriates me... moving on...

What I am looking forward to: meeting my little Alexander, sleeping well, getting one thing in the nursery, the baby shower, seeing my belly grow more. Going to my breastfeeding class..and swaddling class. Just sitting in my rocker singing to Alexander being able to kiss him and hold him in my arms

 Second Trimester) Wisdom: hmmm.. set your boundaries. If you are tired...let yourself take a day off or take that lots of pillows for your bed. Ask for help or get that massage that is needed. Buy maternity clothes...listen to that voice that vocalize it. This is a time when you may find yourself more willing to say no..and it feels empowering. If you need to will feel better afterwards..I promise.

Milestones: second week of Third trimester!! Almost 30 weeks. That means 9 more weeks until Alexander is here!! Because I must be induced at 39 weeks since I have gd. This freaks me out..but at the same time..being induced takes the out of control away..I will have an organized timely birth plan. That is good...I can plan the day..unless Alexander chooses to come earlier.   

Baby is measuring: 2.5 pounds, 15.25 inches long, a butternut squash. That is huge!!! in my belly!!!!

Monday, October 17, 2011

Giuliana Rancic has Breast Cancer

So very sad about Giuliana Rancic. She has undergone 3 rounds of IVF, a miscarriage, and now..breast Cancer. She is truly a strong person, and I wish her all the luck. Life is strange..sad sometimes. But she is so inspiring..she sees the positive in this saying..if she didn't do this IVF cycle..they would have never caught her early stages of cancer. 
I am really sad about this though. Does IVF homornes create breast cancer. I am curious about the side effects now. I will absolutely get an exam after I am done breast feeding or after the baby is born.

Sunday, October 16, 2011

On Insulin Now: Gestational Diabetes

Well.. you just  heard it..I am on Insulin at night because my Fasting numbers when I wake up are too  high. And to be honest, my other numbers breakfast and lunch are too high as well. I will go over  these issues with my doctor on the insulin shots will probably be increased. They started me off with a low dose any ways, in fear of that it is not working, I will be probably pumped with more insulin.I think because of IVf, with all the shots with the lupron and menupur..I am fine with the shots..they are not painful or scary at all. Especially with the progesterone inch and a half in the bumm, these are nothing compared to those monsters...ouch..and what a pain in othe ass literally. So...I will just focus o the positive right now..and wait until MOnday to talk to the rude doctors. Oh wait..let me just rant one more negative..because I really need to get this off my chest:

The doctors at my HMO ( Kaiser-San Francisco) have really kind of pissed me off. There are two kinds of drugs yu can take for gestational diabetes.  oral( glyburide) or insulin (shots) If you go to or just type it in google..there are so many reason not to take it. It passes the placenta, the manufacturer recommends not to use it during pregnancy. Many doctors and hospitals do not allow it during pregnancy, and often does not work and you have to eventually go on insulin..oh..and it has no long term studies. Insulin on the other hand has been on the market for decades, there are many studies, and it works quicker.

So, I have my regular obgyn, she says I am sending you to another doctor to give you information on the two options, so I will not see you for this monthly appointment. I go and see him, and he saying bluntly I do not know anything about this medicine, but Kaiser would not offer  any meds that would harm you. Okay..I say thank you for your info, I want insulin...goodbye.

Then I go to the next appointment they set me up with( the high risk team of 10 doctors that I will be now seeing, They inform me that I will not be seeing my old doctor I have seen for 10 years, and have been seeing me since I was pregnant.( I am feeling in one way yes..they are going to monitor me more..but no my old when I got pregnant form UCSF from IVF...and they just said..there you go..good luck. There is just no closure or connection with any of these doctors.

 So, I see literally 5 doctors the following two hours. The first doctor comes in and tells me why Glyburide is really good. I say, I have made up my mind with insulin, but she still goes on. Then she says how my baby can die and get really big so I will have to be induced at 39 weeks or if the baby is really big, there will have to be a c-section. this point I am feeling extremely vulnerable and just pissed off they are scaring me. MInd you..I saw a dietician they gave me a diet...and my blood levels are still very high when I wake up. Now this week, my blood levels are high almost every meal and I am eating what they told me to eat and I am on insulin..yes...I am totally freaking out. go on with this 5 doctor 2 hour doctors appointment on Friday:

the first doctor comes in and tells me about the glyburide and then says, oh here is your doctor actual doctor, we shake hands and she then comes in with a study report about glyburide. I  say Again, I  have decided on Insulin, she says, well..I just want to go over this with you. She was not respecting me at all. After 10 minutes of wasting my time, I interrupt and say, is there a difference between the effect between the two. She says, let me finish. She does for another 5 minutes ad then says no. There is no difference. I say thank you.. but I want insulin. She has the nerve to ask why. Why are all these doctors pushing this drug? She then proceeds to tell me how if I do not get a flu shot...I can die. I am so pissed off at this point..that I say no thank you..and wait for her to leave. we then go and see a dietician, who treats me like I do not know servings. As if it is my fault my sugar numbers are high. is because I am doing everything right and I have gestational diabetes. But I bite my tongue and go with it. Then, they send me to a person to go over the insulin shots. She comes in and the first words she utters are my last patient I am retiring today. Well... yeah...she so did not seem to care.. ..she was such a bad teacher. Thank god I learned from UCSF for the IVF, I would have been screwed!! So...then I have been home following the plan, injecting the insulin and nothing has changed. Sometimes after my meals it works, but the fasting in the morning is the same.

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

On to Medication For GD

So, on it goes. This is a very angry rant! I am so angry!!!!!!!! My Gestational Diabetic  Diet
After 5 days of my diet and exercise the dietician told me to eat, I am having horrible numbers for my fasting numbers, which means I eat a snack at 9pm, wake up at 6am and test my numbers. It is too high. and increasing. So..after 5 days..I have to go in today and talk to a doctor about taking insulin shots or oral meds. I have no info on any of this information. I heard the oral meds are not good. somehow they cross the placenta. I don't know..I have been pouting and crying the last few days. I am so pissed after 100 injections for IVF, now I have to get the shots they say it takes a while.

I am just so flustered,...and feel out of control. I can not get into all my emotions...because I am at work..all I know is as soon as I get into my car..I will have a good cry!

I will update what my new doctor says this afternoon.

Thursday, October 6, 2011

I have Gestational Diabetes

I am going to be a dramatic women for the next couple of days. I am a nervous wreck for my baby...I do not care if I have to eat nasty food..I just want my blood level correct so my baby is healthy. I have done so much. Sooo sooo soo much to have this baby..and now..I feel extremely guilty. I feel if I was not not would be fine. The doctors warned me that I was prediabetic. I lost 35 pounds before the IVF..but it is staring me in the face. I have to live with this and I have to have thoughts in my head that are only positive..because I want my baby Alexander to be healthy. I am typing this at work and doing everything I can to hold back these tears.

So today...I am going to my machine and learn to use it. Not looking forward to being a pin cushion again!

then tomorrow..I have a 9:30am appointment with a dietician.

Right now...I am just really upset.

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

I did not faint!!! Yay ME~

Thanks to all of you who have been so supportive. I am still waiting on my gestational diabetes test results. But I did it!!

I did not faint..even though I Got my blood taken 4 times in 3 hours! is called the 3 hour glucose test. It sounds so nice and sweet..but it is not. I got my blood taken at 8, 9, 10, and 11 am!! and  got to taste a very sweet drink that I had to guzzle down in 5 minutes. Even though it really was not something I would ever want to do ever again in my was survivable.

But I am so proud I did not faint. I am seriously going to soon as I get some energy. MY energy is gone right now. ANd the baby..he is a little calm..not a lot of kicking lately.

Anyways...thanks again for being so supportive. I need it:) 

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

3 Hour Glucose test Wednesday!

Well...tomorrow is my 3 hour glucose test. Tonight at 10:30 to 11;30 I will have a half sandwich  and a glass of milk. Then not eat anything else. I will go in Wednesday Morning at 8am they will take my blood. Then, I will drink a sugar really taste not bad..but after an starts to make me feel sick. Oh...and I have to drink it in 5 minutes time. Then an hour later I get another blood test. Then, another hour, another blood test. Then, one hour later, a blood test. That is a whole lot of blood test. I do not want to faint. is my anxiety.

 I have fainted many times before. Some of the ladies that have taken my blood are not good. But...I will breathe, I will deal with this..because I have a baby that is counting on me to be strong. I just have a lot of fear. I was thinking, maybe this is all a test. A test to see how strong I am. I am challenged in my life with pain. Not that I have had a ton of pain, some have had so much more pain than I have. But pain is a weakness of mine and I do not deal with it correctly. I get nervous, and think of all the horrible things that could happen, my stomach gets full of butterflies and my throat gets all dry and I start to sweat. It really is a mind thing that creates a physical thing. There are some great skilled people that can draw blood. And if they are not the best, I am not going to die from it, nor is it that painful. Yes...what gets me is the out of control feeling. But in reality, I have been through far worse. The 69 progesterone shots that were an inch and a half. I can handle this, and the sooner the better right. I need to know if I am diabetic because I need to take care of my baby. I just need to remember to breathe correctly and not panic while the blood is being taken.

 I have also been having anxiety dreams. A few nights ago I had a dream I was back in the Ivf process and I got pregnant then lost it from a miscarriage. I woke up really sad..then last night I had a dream I fell down on my back. I woke up at 2:30 from this dream and tried to calm myself..I just said..this is a sign that well.I have to pay very careful of my surroundings.

On a more positive baby shower has been picked for Dec 4. The due date is Jan. 17th, so the 4th of December seemed perfect. I would have picked earlier in November, but the holidays are around that time, and people have company and getting ready for cooking and family coming over. So here is my dilemma, I have not done anything for my registry at all. I was thinking, my husband and I look it over this weekend and by Monday...write a little note about the registry for each invite with the website. Or I can write the three websites that  have chosen for a registry and say..something like, by November1st..the list on the registry will be available.  Not sure, but I just get so overwhelmed with the registry.

List for the registry:
my mother in law is getting the stroller- so that is off the list
my mom got the crib and mattress- so that is off the list

So I think possible list options:
bassinet, bottles, breastpumo( my mom said not to put that on..too personal),
diapers, wipes, carseat- but..I have heard of the 2 or 3 in one stroller+carseat,
swaddles, rocker, changing table, diaper genie, motion glider, rock on,  baby carrier, burp cloths, bottles, high chair, or portable high chair, white noise machine, baby bedding, night light, baby bathtub, baby wash soap, baby monitor, first aid kit, bulb syringe, digital thermometer, baby scissors and clippers, baby friendly laundry detergent,

whoa..that is a lot of stuff..but of all different prices.  Not really sure if I should pick from  Baby r US, or there is where it is an online store where you can pick from many different websites. Still confused what to do...and so many options for each thing. It might just be easier to go to one store an pick everything from that store. But for now..I will fantasize about everything:)

Friday, September 30, 2011

Gestational Diabetes?!

Yes...there are more needles to come for me. I thought I was done with needles because I was done with IVF..but no. I have actual had to go every 4 weeks to check on my thyroid. Which, recently at 22 weeks got too high so I have had to increase it. Then, now this week at 24 weeks, I had my gestational diabetes one hour test to check if my levels were high. And yep!! They were. The level should not be above 139. Mine was 156. So...I had a melt down. Yes..I did. I am still having a melt down. I got so upset last night...because I did everything I could to get pregnant..100 injections, surgeries, biopsies. I can not handle a life one day of pricking my fingers to get blood, and then insulin injections 3 times a day. I just do not want to do it. ..............

I will do it for my little angel Alexander..but I just can not bare to think of the emotions and pain that I will have to go through. I am sure it will not be as bad as I am imagining, but I am really emotional right now. I have been at work and i just can not concentrate. And my mom..who is my boss..keeps making me get up so I can walk and need to decrease your carbs. I really want to say shut up!!! She is making me feel so guilty. I feel guilty enough..but the fact that she is complaining about my exercise or lack there of, and the food I am injesting is beginning to really get me to the edge. I just want a normal pregnancy....that is all I wanted from  the beginning. and it never seems to be happening! I also need to know what to eat fro a pregnancy, hypothyroidism, and gestational diabetes. Oh I forgot to mention I have to go in middle of next week for a 3 hour glucose test. They take my blood, then drink a nasty drink..wait three hours, take my blood again, and then take my blood again. Did I mention I faint sometimes with my blood taken. This sucks!! Three times..once is enough to make me oozy plus I have to fast for three hours. So not looking forward to any of this!:(

I am just thinking, this baby better appreciate me..I tell you... I am going to need some therapy. I have actually thought...therapy would be really helpful for me right now. I have body issues, health issues, and my relationship with my husband is really weird.

Last night I found out my blood levels were bad and my husband was sweet and said, it is okay..and tried to calm me down, but said it is scary though. i said i felt like crying, and he said go ahead honey. And I let out a huge cry...tears falling down like a waterfall. Then we went home and I went and walked on the treadmill as he cooked us dinner. When i got back, he said he was going to go get a massage.

The selfish irrational person that I am right now thought to myself...I am the one having the breakdown, why are you going for a massage. I did not say anything but I wished that he got me the massage to calm me. I felt really..well I feel really selfish for thinking these thoughts, but,....I feel like he is not thinking of me.  My rational thought process says, yes he is...he cooked me dinner, he consoled me when I cried, and he needs to take care of himself too. But my irrational brain is winning with feelings because I could really use that massage right now..but money is tight. He makes more than me, but I am not going to ask him for it. I feel myself being a little passive aggressive and trying to contain it. Maybe just putting this down might calm me down. You know...I may be a little off too because my thyroid level went from 2.69 to .88. That is a quick jump and pretty close to hyerthyroidism. My body is all out of wrack with blood, thyroid, and pregnancy hormones. I really just want to be by myself at home watching a comedy or dramatic chick flick.
As for now..I will try to contain myself at work....finish the day, go work out and get into bed. i can not wait to got to sleep. I have about 8 more hours!

Sunday, September 25, 2011

People say I don't look pregnant

Yes...this will be a little of a vent.
I am one day shy of 24 weeks. I was so excited to share with everyone( my families side) at a wedding how i am 24 weeks pregnant. From my husband's grandma- to the women serving our dinner, everyone's response is, " you do not look pregnant."

I have to say, I almost started crying...but I could not go into total wimpy mode because of family and a room full of happy strangers dancing a celebrating a couples love. My hubby noticed right away there was something wrong. He asked and I told. He said I looked pregnant. he could tell..well..then about 10 minutes ago i asked him to take a picture..and he said..this is not going to be a good picture because you are not showing enough.

but there it is above.

I think I look pregnant. But maybe because I am not skinny, the bump is not as pronounced. Not sure..but I am feeling very sad.  I always thought when i became pregnant, I would get the oh your pregnant and such from strangers and family. I never thought I would just look fat. Maybe this is just my insecurities talking, but the negative self talk is pretty strong lately. So, anyways..on to more positive thoughts,...

besides the whole body image issue..the family has and is very sweet and asks how I am feeling..talks about the name and all are very happy we are pregnant. My mother in law..bought cute clothes for Alexander already and I am able to talk to her about my fears and excitement of being a first time mother. That is really nice. Everyone seems really happy and awaiting a new little boy into their family. That is what I will take from this experience.i have to go now for another family gathering. I need to keep my sadness inside and just think..I am pregnant and healthy.