Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Looking back at my IVF Process: 31 weeks pregnant

31 weeks this week! I am one more week away from going into my 8th month. I never thought I would get here. I really never did. It feels like just a few weeks ago, I was searching for the reason why I could not get pregnant. The blame and the guilt, and the jealousy was really hard. I was listening to Ben Harper on Sunday. It brought me back to memories when I was getting all the the biopsies, and seeing lots of doctors. My brother and his wife and parent's were basking in the joys of their new child. Every time I would go to facebook, I would learn of a new friend or relative who was announcing their pregnancy. I started this blog because I found others who were suffering as I was.

Suffering:  I was in so much pain. I was crying everyday. And the days that were hard: were the days I heard relatives and friends got pregnant. I would go into the bathroom  and cry for a good hour. I was done for the day. The days I got my period after trying with opk sticks and voodoo dolls, and so forth...the day I would get my period was like someone had died. It was very painful emotionally. The physical pain of my period at the time were minute compared to the emotional pain and guilt I put on myself.

Then came the uncomfortable looks of pity from family and friends who knew what I was going through. I love my mom dearly, but she told everyone what I was dealing with. So, I could not escape it. It could have been in my head, but I do not think so.

Then the trip to the fertility department. That was a hard day. Because when you start trying for a baby...it takes a strong person to admit..okay, we tried everything, now we need doctors to intervene. At this point, my body was not mine anymore. In many ways, I felt violated. I can not count how many doctors saw me vulnerable and naked. It was not a good time in my life, and I have to admit, I was very grumpy. My husband and I were fighting, and we both felt extremely guilty and inadequate.


Then we found out what happened. My body was healthy, but not my husband's. This was very sad for him. And I had to be very patient. His sperm was not dead, but not strong enough to make a baby naturally. The words:

IVF is the only solution.


This was so hard to hear. In one way it was a relief. Okay...we can stop suffering and move on...there is a solution..and we know what to do. But it was very scary.

We learned about all the needles. It seemed so painful and grueling....

It was. It was painful, it was consistently stressful, and it was frightening.

But we did it..because we wanted a baby...and it was not so painful that it was unmanagable. The hardest part was the  1 and 1/2 needle of progesterone I had to put in my butt cheek  about 95 times. This was not fun...every night. Then there was the 2 week wait. This was emotionally hard. You think it is hard waiting for those two weeks when you try naturally, try putting huge amount of hormones in your body, surgery, 10 doctors looking at your private parts, get your blood taken everyday for a couple weeks, and put in 15 to 20 thousand dollars, and then wait for two weeks if everything is going to work out..while at the same time shooting our butt cheeks with an inch and a half needle every night.

So after everything...I became pregnant. And I will never forget it. I am so thankful for this blog so that I had a place to express myself, and one day I can read it myself. As well..and all the support I received while going through this process. all you girls suffered with me and and gave me support. I cried with you when things went wrong, I laughed and rejoiced when your got your BFP!  

I have realized it is okay that most of my followers have dwindled down because well..the audience has changed. I feared this would happen..but I have accepted it. And I understand it. When I was going through IVF  and trying to conceive, I blocked so many family and friends when they said they were pregnant. But now, that is my life...

It comes with the territory. I get a few comments...and I so appreciate them. I love hearing when you all get your bfp..but for the longest time..I could not hear any bad news regarding IVF or trying to conceive. I feared so much.

I stopped reading most posts about most pregnancy or trying to conceive blogs. Everyday, especially during the first trimester I feared I would miscarry. This was not something that was little or that I was neurotic. I had blood one day..and I had to got to the er. Everything was fine, but I found out later that day that my mom had never told me that she had miscarried after she had me. Then every time I told someone I was pregnant, they were telling me of someone they knew or worked with that had a miscarriage. I turned on the news, and some celebrity had a miscarriage. Then, I would turn on my computer and read about a miscarriage in this community. It was too painful and scary for words. I just kind of  stopped blogging and wrote a few times a month. Plus, the first trimester really gets you tired and well morning sickness takes a hold.

But since the second trimester I have been blogging more and learned of so many happy stories. Some sad..And I cried reading them..and I hope with all good thoughts that many of you one day get your baby no matter how you do it..I know you will. 


Can I tell you how happy I am to see all the pregnant bellies that I have followed through their pregnancies. I am so happy for so many of you who have struggled and now have given birth or have shared their beautiful nurseries, and the beautiful bellies. You are all so beautiful. 

As for my 31 weeks update:

two things.

This baby is healthy! You know how I know..HE WON'T STOP MOVING!!!

seriously...he won't. I can not sleep. That is the one draw back..but I guess this little boy is getting me ready for reality...I went to a breastfeeding class..and well..I have to feed him every hour..to every two hours for the first month. 
I never knew how extensive breastfeeding was. It is an art. Very interesting how the baby's saliva tells your body what kind of milk to produce. Very interesting how the baby will be more likely to like one boob than the other or one position because of how he or she was positioned in the womb. All very interesting how natural everything is. But how not natural breastfeeding can be. 

I guess I will learn..I think I am a little nervous. I hope I will be maternal and natural with the baby. I think there is a lot of pressure with breastfeeding. I am nervous my milk will not come in. But I will try to go with the flow. 

I am off to reading your blogs now:)
  

26 comments:

  1. Great post. I am going to share it with a good friend of mine who's starting her first round of IVF this month. I hope she finds hope and solace in your words.

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  2. Hiya, thanks for your comment on my blog. Re: the skin thing, no dont really have dark skin so its kinda weird. No line on belly yet! You sound well and not too long for you now! Im also a bit nervy about breastfeeding, its just a thing where you are insure if it will work or not. I hope it all goes well and it comes naturally!

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  3. I do find solace in this. The 1 and 1/2 needle is what I fear the most. I go for my injection training tomorrow. Bringing mom, dad and husband. After two failed IUI's, and three failed medical-induced ovulatory cycles, I fear the higher dose of hormone. I am scared that I won't be able to go through with it. It is so hard being strong.

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  4. This is a really good summary of IVF and the emotional trauma. I am so glad you are pregnant now and great that he's a little mover. My baby is engaged now (just 6 days to my due date) but she is still giving me a good number of kicks.

    I know what you meant about the projesterone shots. They are the worst! I had to carry them on for most of the first trimester as well.

    Good luck for the birth!

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  5. I am beyond excited for you and your new life as a soon to be mommy! My husband and I were just told that the only hope left for us to conceive is via IVF, and I am beyond scared. I, for one, HATE needles, and just the thought of injecting myself with a needle makes me cringe. Although the thought of having to go through IVF scares me, I continue to read blogs, such as yours, that help me realize that there is hope! Pregnancy can happen. It may not be easy, but it CAN happen! :)

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  6. Happy to hear baby is doing well :) I've been looking back a little recently too (plan to post about it soon) - everything we went through has been worth it, hasn't it? :) xx

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  7. So glad to hear that baby is doing well!! As you know from my blog our little girl is moving a ton as well - and definitely keeping me up at night! Seems like they are preparing us for what is to come! I am a bit nervous about how breastfeeding will go as well. I was only able to attend part of the class because R had just had surgery and couldn't come, and I wasn't real comfortable leaving him for so long since he needed some help with getting up and around!
    I so wish we lived close to one another - it would be awesome to have someone close by who is in the same place we are in this pregnancy!

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  8. It's always so lovely to hear that a baby is doing so well. It sounds like it's been a long hard journey to this point, but the best is yet to come!

    ICLW

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  9. Quite a journey and rollercoaster ride to get to this point, but we are both so much closer to something so precious- worth every darn PIO (literal) pain in the rear! Less than 10 weeks to go... woo hoo!

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  10. Happy Thanksgiving! Nominated you for an award on my blog. Take care! :]

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  11. Just randomly came across your blog - you are such a strong woman! I'm glad that everything worked out for you and your family!!

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  12. IVF is a wonderful treatment and excitement of the patient increases day by day. To conceive a child artificially is amazing.

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  14. CutyGurl, My partner and I have been trying for a baby for over two years now, We were going to a fertility clinic for about 5 months before somebody told us to contact this spell caster who is so powerful, We contacted him at this email; zogospellcasters@gmail.com , for him to help us, then we told him our problem, he told us that she we either conceive in January 2013 or February 2013,but after two years of trying we were at a point where we were willing to try anything. And I'm glad we came to Dr zogo, Because he predictions put us at ease, and I honestly believe him, and his gods really helped us as well, I am thankful for all he has done.

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  15. AN Amazing Testimony On A Spell Caster Who help me to get pregnant, So me and my partner have been trying for a baby for the last 5 years now and we have had no luck. I don't have a regular cycle so it is hard for me to tell when I'm ovulating or not, but we always have sex at least 2 times a week, sometimes more. I know it can take up to a year to conceive but everyone i know who have had a baby have conceived within 2-3months of trying and it is really getting to me. my partner had a fertility test about a year ago and his sperm were fine. I'm thinking it could be a problem with me but I've never had any symptoms of any problems. My partner does smoke and have the occasional drink, and i used to smoke and also have the occasional drink. i know i'm slightly overweight but that shouldn't affect our chances too much,one faithful day my friend told me to contact a spell caster that help her aunty, then i contact the man on this email: babaka.wolf@gmail.com , after three months the doctor confirm that i am pregnant thank you Dr Babaka for helping me get a baby, I am thankful for all he has done. contact him via email: babaka.wolf@gmail.com if you are trying to get a baby or want your lover back. he has powers to do it, he has done mine

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  16. Hello everybody, My name is Nelson Pamela, Am from USA, Me and my husband have been trying to have baby for over two years now, We were going to a fertility clinic for about 1year and 8months before someone told us to contact this great spell caster who is so powerful, We contacted him with his email: supersolutionhome@gmail.com , for him to help us, then we told him our problem, he told us that i will either conceive in May 2013 or June 2013, but after two years of trying we were at a point where we were willing to do possible to make us get a baby even if is just one. And I’m glad we came to Dr. Ken, Because he predictions put us at ease, and I honestly believe him, and his gods really helped us as well, I am thankful for all he has done. If you are in this kind of problem i will advice you to contact him with this email: supersolutionhome@gmail.com or through His web address http://supersolutionhome.webs.com/ . "The ability to have a baby is one of the most amazing gifts ever given to humans. The act of carrying a baby and being pregnant is one of the most beautiful experiences to ever have. Thanks.


    Hello everybody, My name is Nelson Pamela, Am from USA, Me and my husband have been trying to have baby for over two years now, We were going to a fertility clinic for about 1year and 8months before someone told us to contact this great spell caster who is so powerful, We contacted him with his email: supersolutionhome@gmail.com , for him to help us, then we told him our problem, he told us that i will either conceive in May 2013 or June 2013, but after two years of trying we were at a point where we were willing to do possible to make us get a baby even if is just one. And I’m glad we came to Dr. Ken, Because he predictions put us at ease, and I honestly believe him, and his gods really helped us as well, I am thankful for all he has done. If you are in this kind of problem i will advice you to contact him with this email: supersolutionhome@gmail.com or through His web address http://supersolutionhome.webs.com/ . "The ability to have a baby is one of the most amazing gifts ever given to humans. The act of carrying a baby and being pregnant is one of the most beautiful experiences to ever have. Thanks.

    ReplyDelete
  17. Hello everybody, My name is Nelson Pamela, Am from USA, Me and my husband have been trying to have baby for over two years now, We were going to a fertility clinic for about 1year and 8months before someone told us to contact this great spell caster who is so powerful, We contacted him with his email: supersolutionhome@gmail.com , for him to help us, then we told him our problem, he told us that i will either conceive in May 2013 or June 2013, but after two years of trying we were at a point where we were willing to do possible to make us get a baby even if is just one. And I’m glad we came to Dr. Ken, Because he predictions put us at ease, and I honestly believe him, and his gods really helped us as well, I am thankful for all he has done. If you are in this kind of problem i will advice you to contact him with this email: supersolutionhome@gmail.com or through His web address http://supersolutionhome.webs.com/ . "The ability to have a baby is one of the most amazing gifts ever given to humans. The act of carrying a baby and being pregnant is one of the most beautiful experiences to ever have. Thanks.

    ReplyDelete
  18. I have been married for the past 3years without a child i have look for all kind of help that can make me get pregnant but nothing works, but through an insight i came across Dr.BABA profile at the internet when i was searching for help on how i can get pregnant Quickly i contacted him to help me out, he said he will cast a spell that will make me sleep with my partner and get pregnant, he cast the spell for me and ask me to go and have sex with my partner so i did to my greatest surprise i became pregnant after some weeks, with so much joy in my heart i want to share this out to everyone in need that i have found favor in the hands of Dr BABA, contact him now to via email : fertilitysolutiontemple@live.com or on mobile number on:+2349036348369,Casey Deborah

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  20. when i first got married every body in my husband life love me but after five years they turn against me because i was unable to bear children and one faithful day i discover a testimony through the internet and now i am happy because the email address i found the man who owns it help me for good and now am eight months pregnant and i know i am going going to give birth because he told me that antelope give birth without losing a child,until i met oduwa legba who help me out and this is his details; plus,two,three,four,eight,one,six,five,zero,six,one,five,eight,three or oduwalegba at out look dot com

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  21. it is almost two months now since i order a pregnancy spell cast on me from this +2348165061583 or oduwalegba@outlook.com i saw in a website on how he help a couple to get pregnant and i contacted him which i started seeing changes on my body since the first week of last month and it two months and i am carrying my own baby in my womb i am so happy that i finally get pregnant after all i have been through. contact him for any problems you are having, he will surely provide you a solution, All thanks be to him

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  22. THANKS TO chief oduwa legba FOR HELPING ME GET PREGNANT AFTER SEVERAL YEARS WITHOUT A CHILD BUT FINALLY AFTER chief oduwa legba HELP ME, I CONCEIVE AFTER TWO WEEKS NOW AM 8MONTHS PREGNANT,AN I WILL KEEP TESTIFYING WHAT chief oduwa legba HAS DONE FOR ME AND MY FAMILY EMAIL HIM AND SEE WHAT I AM TALKING ABOUT VIA:+2348165061583 or oduwalegba@outlook.com FOR MORE INFO

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  23. Hello I am Lisa Jerry ,I am out here to spread this good news to the entire world on how I got my ex husband back.I was going crazy when my husband left me and my two kids for another woman last month, But when i met a friend that introduced me to Priest Ohio the great messenger to the oracle of priest Ohio solution home,I narrated my problem to Priest Ohio about how my ex Husband left me and my two kids and also how i needed to get a job in a very big company.He only said to me that i have come to the right place were i will be getting my heart desire without any side effect.He told me what i need to do,After it was been done,24 hours later,My Ex Husband called me on the phone and was saying sorry for living me and the kids before now and one week after my Husband called me to be pleading for forgiveness,I was called for interview in a very big company here in USA were i needed to work as the managing director..I am so happy and overwhelmed that i have to tell this to the entire world to contact Priest Ohio on his personal email address and get all your problem solve..No problem is too big for him to solve..Contact him direct on: priestohiosolutionhome@gmail.com or contact him through his website at http://priestohiosolutionhome.webs.com and get your problems solved like me..... ONCE AGAIN HIS EMAIL ADDRESS IS: priestohiosolutionhome@gmail.com or contact him through his website at http://priestohiosolutionhome.webs.com

    ReplyDelete
  24. Hello I am Lisa Jerry ,I am out here to spread this good news to the entire world on how I got my ex husband back.I was going crazy when my husband left me and my two kids for another woman last month, But when i met a friend that introduced me to Priest Ohio the great messenger to the oracle of priest Ohio solution home,I narrated my problem to Priest Ohio about how my ex Husband left me and my two kids and also how i needed to get a job in a very big company.He only said to me that i have come to the right place were i will be getting my heart desire without any side effect.He told me what i need to do,After it was been done,24 hours later,My Ex Husband called me on the phone and was saying sorry for living me and the kids before now and one week after my Husband called me to be pleading for forgiveness,I was called for interview in a very big company here in USA were i needed to work as the managing director..I am so happy and overwhelmed that i have to tell this to the entire world to contact Priest Ohio on his personal email address and get all your problem solve..No problem is too big for him to solve..Contact him direct on: priestohiosolutionhome@gmail.com or contact him through his website at http://priestohiosolutionhome.webs.com and get your problems solved like me..... ONCE AGAIN HIS EMAIL ADDRESS IS: priestohiosolutionhome@gmail.com or contact him through his website at http://priestohiosolutionhome.webs.com

    ReplyDelete
  25. My partner and I have been trying for a baby for over two years now, We were going to a fertility clinic for about 5 months before somebody told us to contact this spell caster who is so powerful, We contacted him at this email; babaka.wolf@gmail.com , for him to help us, then we told him our problem, he told us that we will either conceive in January 2013 or February 2013,but after two years of trying we were at a point where we were willing to try anything. And I'm glad we came to Dr Babaka, Because his pregnancy spell cast put us at ease, and I honestly believe him, and his gods really helped us as well, I am thankful for all he has done. contact him via email: babaka.wolf@gmail.com if you are trying to get a baby or want your lover back. he has powers to do it, he has done mine.

    ReplyDelete
  26. I am Mrs ANDERSON ANN from USA, i want to share a testimony of my life to every one. i was married to my husband Barry Morgan, i love him so much we have been married for 5 years now with two kids. when he went for a vacation to France he meant a lady called Clara who en charm him with his beauty, he told me that he is no longer interested in the marriage any more. i was so confuse and seeking for help, i don't know what to do until I met my friend Miss Rose and told her about my problem. she told me not to worry about it that she had a similar problem before and introduce me to a man called Dr Iyayi. who cast a spell on her ex and bring him back to her after 3days. Miss Rose ask me to contact Dr Iyayi. I contacted him to help me bring back my husband and he ask me not to worry about it that the gods of his fore-fathers will fight for me. He told me by three days he will re-unite me and my husband together. After three day my husband called and told me he is coming back to sought out things with me, I was surprise when I saw him and he started crying for forgiveness and that he never knew what came upon him that he will never leave me again or the kids.it was the spell that was casted on him that was working on him. Right now I am the happiest woman on earth for what this great spell caster did for me and my husband, you can contact Dr.Iyayi on any problem in this world, he is very nice, here is his contact driyayilovespellhome@gmail.com. or contact him through his website address: http://driyayilovespellhome.webs.com You can also contact him through his mobile: +2347032617285. He is the best spell caster.




    I am Mrs ANDERSON ANN from USA, i want to share a testimony of my life to every one. i was married to my husband Barry Morgan, i love him so much we have been married for 5 years now with two kids. when he went for a vacation to France he meant a lady called Clara who en charm him with his beauty, he told me that he is no longer interested in the marriage any more. i was so confuse and seeking for help, i don't know what to do until I met my friend Miss Rose and told her about my problem. she told me not to worry about it that she had a similar problem before and introduce me to a man called Dr Iyayi. who cast a spell on her ex and bring him back to her after 3days. Miss Rose ask me to contact Dr Iyayi. I contacted him to help me bring back my husband and he ask me not to worry about it that the gods of his fore-fathers will fight for me. He told me by three days he will re-unite me and my husband together. After three day my husband called and told me he is coming back to sought out things with me, I was surprise when I saw him and he started crying for forgiveness and that he never knew what came upon him that he will never leave me again or the kids.it was the spell that was casted on him that was working on him. Right now I am the happiest woman on earth for what this great spell caster did for me and my husband, you can contact Dr.Iyayi on any problem in this world, he is very nice, here is his contact driyayilovespellhome@gmail.com. or contact him through his website address: http://driyayilovespellhome.webs.com You can also contact him through his mobile: +2347032617285. He is the best spell caster.

    ReplyDelete