MY TRYING TO CONCEIVE JOURNEY

October 27th, 2010
it is official. Made an appointment with a fertility doctor. we are officially in the infertile percentile. I am not dealing with the facts very well. I am sitting around moping and not thinking straight. I am thinking 11,000 dollars. that is a lot of money. I am thinking hormones...running through my body, by a sharp needle. I have visions of fear, pain, and tears. Why me. Why now. What did I do to deserve this. I feel selfish for thinking poor me. There are other couples out there who do not  have choices, and do not have insurance or money to see an open door to having their dream come true. I am full of emotions..but mostly I just sit and cry. I called my friends and family, but I have nothing to say. There is nothing to say. I am stunned by the fact that I am going through this. My fear has come true. I worry..will it ever happen. What if. I guess, what it comes down to is, I feel out of control. For the last 8 months, I have been peeing on sticks, working out like crazy, taking my medicine for my thyroid, drinking lots of water, taking prenatal vitamins that make me sick, praying to a fertility doll, charting my cycle, searching endlessly at pregnancy help sites, getting stressed and depressed everytime my period came. And now...when it come down to it, was it a waste. No matter what I did..it would not have done anything. I guess I am angry. I am sad, disappointed, and just numb. I probably need a couple more days to absorb it and work through my emotions. This is all new to me.
October 18th, 2010

Well- crying a little. More sullen than usual. Not a lot of words come to mind..I guess I will just post music videos..sometimes music is the best way to describe a feel..pain.

Brook Shields share's her struggle in,

Brooke Shields gets personal:“I thought it would be so easy to become a mom.”

“After a while, when you’re not successful, you start to associate the word ‘failure’ every time you pee on a stick and it doesn’t come out the right color. What starts out as a dream becomes a project that’s all consuming — everywhere you look, women are pregnant, and every song on the radio seems like it’s all about being pregnant! It becomes a very frustrating, frightening place.”

October 17th 2010

11:44pm

I guess better luck next month. Damn it! :(
OCTOBER Second Entry- 16th 2010
So before I post all the joyous pictures of Hawaii...I have to vent. After I vent there will be some really pretty pictures to admire. Well..it makes me feel better about venting to a computer and whoever wants to read it....

Today is day 26 of my cycle. Yes- the two week wait. I am going mad. I may have cried ten different times yesterday. I have read through four or five really good websites about how to conceive. Watched a few youtube vlogs about IVF. Of course I searched Guilianna and Bill. I really like their show. Even though it is so sad that she miscarried, it makes me like her even more. So many couples have had the same thing happened and now they have a voice.

Bottom line, I really should just stay away from the computer during the 2ww. I become a crying fool.

With that said- I will tell you a funny story that happened this month.
I am sure other couples have used many different techniques to become pregnant. My husband got super creative this month. He went to visit his mom in San Diego and brought back a gift for us. I open up the box and out popped a large, African wooden fertility goddess doll. I say "what is this?", he says "it is going to help us get pregnant."

I am shocked and a little freaked out. I say "okay honey". At least he is trying and I find it almost endearing.

The strange thing is, that night I got my period. This might not sound strange to you, but I got aunt flow right away. I have not had a healthy period like this in years.

Now I am inspired and feeling really optimistic. We are off to Hawaii two weeks later and have decided to bring the doll with us. It was quite a dilemma. Do we bring a fertility doll on the plane and have everyone look at us like we are crazy?
NO. We pack the baby doll in our suitcase and we go off to Hawaii.
The night we get there I set the doll on the nightstand, near the lamp and the four books I brought to read. TO be honest I only end upreading one.

I go to turn on the light to read in bed and it happens.
In slow motion I watch the doll fall from the slightest touch of one of my books.

at this moment I had two choices. Be calm, take a deep breath and just place the doll back where it was standing.

Or do what I did.

I screamed.. "OH NO!"

"Shit"

I panicked. I lost it even more when I saw that I had completely smashed the dolls right boob!
Did I mentioned the doll had pointy boobs? It also has rainbow earrings and ankle bracelets. Very cute I thought.

I grab the doll, and open the door to the living room where my husband, mom, and brother are relaxing. I look at my husband and I say "I broke the fertility doll". He just starts laughing hysterically. I do not find that helpful at all and I go into a complete dramatic act like in days of our lives. I could have won an award. My brother eventually came in a calmed me down. All was okay- but geez! I am super crazy right now.
Later that night I apologized to the doll.

So- that is my crazy story for this month. I guess the only thing I can do now is wait. and wait. and wait some more.


OCTOBER 4, 2010 First entry
Monday, October 4, 2010
Well- I have been fighting the urge to reveal my ttc journey on a blog, but I am going to give it a shot. I can always delete it ..right? Well- here is my trying to conceive story. I have been with my husband now for almost 16 years. We finally got married two years ago. July 27 was our two year anniversary. We started trying in April of 2010. So it has been 6 months. These have been the longest 6 months of my life. Each month we try so hard and the day I get my period...I get so let down. I have been an emotional wreck. I have tried all sorts of devices with no success. The funny thing about it all is almost every month something has gone wrong. From tooth infections, flu's, you name it. It has been so utterly frustrating. I really am fine until the day I get my period. It is so depressing that day. NO. That's a lie. The two week wait is so unbearable. If you come to my house during the two week wait, you can cut the tension with a knife. My poor husband, he has so much patience, but I can see him cracking a bit. It is not his fault, I am a lunatic who looks at him with crazy eyes. If he just looks wrong, that is it..I am the exorcist coming at him full force. Oh and the strangest thing has been ocurring the last few months. I see pregnant women. And babies. They are all over. Everyday at my work sometimes two or three pregnant women are coming in. I am driving, and they are walking on the sidewalk with their strollers. I turn the television on and every movie has to do with babies or the main character is pregnant. I can not tell you the lengths my husband and I have gone to reach the joys of parenthood. I have such a great family and friends who are so supportive. I even give credit to my facebook friends who have surprisingly been there every time I have vented my frustrations. I know and believe in the near future somehow I will get the chance to fulfill my biggest dream.