Image via WikipediaIt has been 23 days since my last post about my infertility. I thought I needed a couple days. I guess I needed more. So much has happened and at the the same time..I am at a stand still at this point of where to go. This is what has happened. The fertility doctor said IVF with ICSI is the only solution. Basically, without getting into too much of the detail. It is assisted implanting the embryo with standard IVF. My eggs will go in a dish and my husband's sperm will be put into my egg. Voila! Embryos. I have been a real hot mess. I must say my friends and family have really been supportive. My mom has been there for me and my friends have been real patient. At the same time..I feel they do not completely understand what I am going through because most of them have kids. Let me warn you..if any of you are heading in this direction..I lost it. I am still not here completely. Let's just say I am one of those women whose hair is not completely together, I am forgetful, panicked, confused, and very high on edge. I can not keep a complete thought..and thanks to my iphone calendar I sometimes make my appointments. The last few weeks I have been very angry. My poor husband..he is a wreck with his own issues dealing with this mess..and he has to deal with my moment to moment attitudes. The first few weeks my friends would call me and I sounded depressed and on edge. I really didn't really want to talk to them. Now, I am getting my energy back..but I am still very much not connected with the rest of the world. It is as if I am in a bubble. I really wish if any of you are reading this- please post and help me feel as if I am not alone here. I would love to hear how the rest of you are dealing with this issue.
Let me be completely honest. It has been very trying. The last couple weeks I cry a lot. Whenever I am driving to work or driving home- certain songs on the radio will bring me to tears. As for my facebook- I had to hide some of my cousins and friends pages- because certain things triggered my pain. For example- one pregnant facebook friend was complaining about her pregnancy. That is something that just bothers me right now. I am sure when I am pregnant- I will be feeling the same thing- but I get so annoyed and I would do anything to be pregnant and she is complaining. She has no idea how lucky she is. I have another cousin who just had a baby. Their baby is so adorable. I had to hide it because there are just some days that is it too hard to see. The love and shining light around the mother is too painful for me. The mother is just glowing with happiness. I want that so bad in my life. I get down on myself- so I just decided to go on their pages when I am feeling less sad.
Now as for finding an IVF center. That has been really hard. Who do I trust. There is a place where I live where there were two really bad situations. 1) the doctors implanted the embryo in the wrong woman!!!
and 2) the embryologists destroyed a patients left over eggs.
That really concerns me. And then on the news..almost everyday- a celebrity is announcing they are pregnant..and they all are saying after miscarriages. I fear I will spend 25,000- and then have a miscarriage. I worry..I worry too much. These are just a few of my worries. I find now- I am just going to enjoy the next couple of weeks with family and not think too much or stress. Thanksgiving is coming and I love this holiday. I have been really caught up in my sadness about being infertile..but I have still managed to enjoy the beauty of everything. I appreciate my friends, and the changing of the colors in the trees. I have gone on walks and stepped on crunchy leaves. I have watched the sunset. I have smiled and been smiled at from neighbors and friendly customers at work. I must remember that it is the little things that will bring me joy.