Monday, December 20, 2010

In The Circle game

And the seasons they go round and round
And the painted ponies go up and down
We're captive on the carousel of time
We can't return we can only look
Behind from where we came
And go round and round and round
In the circle game
by Joni Mitchell

I have always loved this song. When I was younger..we sang it at camp. We would all be dancing and circling and it just felt so free. I remember- I was free. I had no worries. Life was full of possibilities and I dreamed big. I never new this song would really mean something to me when I was older. I love this reminds me of that childlike innocense. The way a child believes in themselves and there is an optimism than is unbreakable. I listen to this song to gain courage. The child in me gives me strength. Being an gets so hard.I was driving home tonight and I realized one reason why I get so sad after being with my Niece and why I was dreading going to a birthday party full of happy kids and parents. I was thinking how happy I was holding my niece. She is so happy and fullfilled. Her parents have a glow in their eyes and all the parents were so proud of their kids. When I was there holding was in  that moment that I felt happy. As I drove home, I felt lonely, empty. Trying not to tear up, but this is why I am not happy. I am not fulfilled without having a child and playing and teaching my child the ways and meaning of life. I was talking with my mom and she was telling me how she talked to my Aunt, who just rushed across the county to meet her new grandaughter. As tears were going down my mom's face, she talked about her conversation with my aunt and how they cried together with tears of joy. They are so happy to my grandmothers. I am so happy for my Aunt..but right then and there..I almost lost it..tears..of sadness. Guilty I could not give that kind of joy to my mother, myself, or my husband. I immediately..became sick. My immune system must be weak..because in moments I started sneezing and I caught a cold. I went home 2 hours later..I became even more sick. I have been nervous about my Saline Sonogram, but now that I am is going to be even more uncomfortable.  I know I have to be positive..but I feel like  life is a rollercoaster..and it is going too fast. I thought it would slow down, but I made the mistake of watching Giuliana and Bill. They tried for their second cycle of IVF. It failed. I feel so bad for them. Giuliana is representing so many women who have struggled with IVF and miscarriages. Bill is so positive. I loved the way they ended their season. They told each other how much they love each other and their life together. Part of me thinks..I could not survive without children. I have always dreamed of having children..but..whatever happens I am truly in love with my husband and I will deal with whatever comes my way.  I hope you are all keeping warm and healthy.
Thank you for all the comments lately..I love that I am being comforted and I get to comfort any of you going through the same struggles. It means more than anything to me to be understood and heard.


  1. I started downloading some episodes of giuliana and bill, but could only find a few. we dont get it over here in NZ. really want to watch more though.

  2. "As I drove home, I felt lonely, empty. Trying not to tear up, but this is why I am not happy. I am not fulfilled without having a child and playing and teaching my child the ways and meaning of life."

    You said what I am afraid to say.... Sometimes I wonder if I will ever feel fulfilled. Or if I will just get more bitter and broken with every loss.

  3. I've loved this song since camp days, too. As Joni sings, "There'll be new dreams, maybe better dreams and plenty, before the last revolving year is through."

    Wishing you many dreams fulfilled on this difficult journey.

  4. I've never seen their show but am so interested to watch it, we'll have to download some of the episodes! I think its amazing they're so open about their struggles and am so thankful they're providing more education to the general public about the process. Hope you get to feeling better soon:)
    Thanks so much for stopping over to my blog today and your incredibly kind words. If your friend has any questions about embryo adoption she can e-mail me and I'd be happy to help!