Thursday, January 13, 2011
Having a bad day!
I hate how grumpy I am right now. This is where I am. My friend, my very good friend I met about three years ago have been talking about how we want to start a family with our husbands. we have built a great friendship and we share with each other our stress at work, our challenges and fun adventures with our family and husbands. And then we talk about babies. We talk about how we were raised and how we want to raise our children. I felt a bond with her more than anyone because she and I were on the same path..talking about trying to have a baby. For the last year, I have been trying actively and she has been waiting for the right time. In Novemer the last time I saw her, she said she was going to actively try with her husband in December. We emailed each other to meet up yesterday. I had a gut feeling that she was pregnant...she is! Yes....I try..and nothing! I take pee tests, buy a fertility doll, go on vacation, meditate, stop drinking, chart my every move. She tries for one month..and bam!!! Baby! When I heard I was sincerely happy...we screamed and hugged..talked about all the symptoms, baby showers, how she told her husband. It was a celebration! We had cake and Ice cream! That was yesterday! This is today! I am down. really down. I have never felt so bitter in my life. I hate this side of me. I am not mad at her one bit. I am mad at life though. Why do I have to suFfer with needles and blood, and surgery,. and mood swings, and trigger shots..and fear of icsi side effects to my baby and over stimulation! I am soooooo pissed I could scream! Okay..the tears are coming..I have to control it..I am at work and need to go be professional in a few minutes. Every where I turn there are babies and baby car seats in cars..and pregnant women. Seriously..every where I go!!!! I used to get solice on facebook..not anymore! Everyone is sharing their baby's first walk, how precious their baby is. When I read what I just wrote I feel sick to my stomach. A) because I hate what I am writing and B) I feel like I can not turn anywhere and I see what I do not have. Sigh!.....I know tomorrow I hope will be better..this is just the rollercoaster of infertility. It will get better...I really do appreciate this community and the support I have received by your messages and just by reading your blogs...I do enjoy the excitement of all of you who are about to be pregnant or are pregnant...but at this moment..it just feels so overwhelming!