Thursday, January 13, 2011

Having a bad day!

I hate how grumpy I am right now. This is where I am. My friend, my very good friend I met about three years ago have been talking about how we want to start a family with our husbands. we have built a great friendship and we share with each other our stress at work, our challenges and fun adventures with our family and husbands. And then we talk about babies. We talk about how we were raised  and how we want to raise our children. I felt a bond with her more than anyone because she and I were on the same path..talking about trying to have a baby. For the last year, I have been trying actively and she has been waiting for the right time. In Novemer the last time I saw her, she said she was going to actively try with her husband in December. We emailed each other to meet up yesterday. I had a gut feeling that she was pregnant...she is! Yes....I try..and nothing! I take pee tests, buy a fertility doll, go on vacation, meditate, stop drinking, chart my every move. She tries for one month..and bam!!! Baby! When I heard I was sincerely happy...we screamed and hugged..talked about all the symptoms, baby showers, how she told her husband. It was a celebration! We had cake and Ice cream!  That was yesterday! This is today! I am down. really down. I have never felt so bitter in my life. I hate this side of me. I am not mad at her one bit. I am mad at life though. Why do I have to suFfer with needles and blood, and surgery,. and mood swings, and trigger shots..and fear of icsi side effects to my baby and over stimulation! I am soooooo pissed I could scream! Okay..the tears are coming..I have to control it..I am at work and need to go be professional in a few minutes. Every where I turn there are babies and baby car seats in cars..and pregnant women. Seriously..every where I go!!!!  I used to get solice on facebook..not anymore! Everyone is sharing their baby's first walk, how precious their baby is. When I read what I just wrote I feel sick to my stomach. A) because I hate what I am writing and B) I feel like I can not turn anywhere and I  see what I do not have. Sigh!.....I know tomorrow I hope will be better..this is just the rollercoaster of infertility. It will get better...I really do appreciate this community and the support I have received by your messages and just by reading your blogs...I do enjoy the excitement of all of you who are about to be pregnant or are pregnant...but at this moment..it just feels so overwhelming!

9 comments:

  1. life is hard. but never underestimate the strength of a determined woman such as yourself.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I'm so very sorry. As I read the first part of your post, I was thinking "Please don't let the friend be pregnant!" And she is... This sucks. I don't know why it's easy for some and not for the rest of us. Seriously? First month trying? Unbelievable!

    I know you try to not be jealous and bitter, but understand that these reactions are normal. It's not fair - it just isn't - and it's ok to have feelings about this! I'm very proud of you for reacting so well. My close friend at work told me she was pregnant, and I burst into tears and spent 30 minutes sobbing in the work bathroom...

    Hope you feel better tomorrow!

    ReplyDelete
  3. Normal feelings that are shared by many reading your post and it is often overwhelming. Hope tomorrow is a better day, Friday is always better:]

    ReplyDelete
  4. Babe, you are not alone, and there are other blissful ways to be a mom. While there are people who do not want to have kids, there are those who long for it, there are also children who long for a mom -- and that mommy love that sits inside you.

    Following your lovely blog and inviting you to add this at Olah Momma! (http://olahmomma.com) - a mom blog website that also works in connecting mom bloggers and more; the place to meet more mom bloggers like you, and get connected with them. You can also your giveaways and business links; get featured by sharing your crafts, recipes and interesting musings. Following us back is deeply appreciated. Thanks and have a great day!

    http://olahmomma.com -- blogging and connecting blogging moms.
    {all moms welcome}

    ReplyDelete
  5. Thanks for posting on my blog.

    I'm so sorry that happened to you with your friend! XXX And VERY BEST wishes for your IVF cycle.

    ReplyDelete
  6. I'm sorry you are feeling down. Sometimes it does feel like too much. A few weeks ago I felt like I was being stalked by cars with the "Baby on Board" sights -- didn't these people's parents teach them not to be show offs?

    Hopefully your fried will be celebrating your announcement soon!

    ReplyDelete
  7. Don't hate what you're writing!!! Please! What you're writing is honest even though it hurts and is frustrating and overwhelming.

    ReplyDelete
  8. how are you going marilyn. just checking in too see if your ok. hope your feeling a bit brighter. let me know on my blog how you are. often think of you.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Hun I know what you are going through. My best friend is due any day now and it's rough. When I found out I had days where I had trouble even seeing her but as her pregnancy has progressed it has started to even out though now that the big day is almost here those yuck feelings seem to be creeping back but I try to push past them. With that said, I think I am almost as excited now as she is sometimes! I know not everyone reacts the same but believe me it will get easier

    ReplyDelete