MY TRYING TO CONCEIVE JOURNEY

October 27th, 2010
it is official. Made an appointment with a fertility doctor. we are officially in the infertile percentile. I am not dealing with the facts very well. I am sitting around moping and not thinking straight. I am thinking 11,000 dollars. that is a lot of money. I am thinking hormones...running through my body, by a sharp needle. I have visions of fear, pain, and tears. Why me. Why now. What did I do to deserve this. I feel selfish for thinking poor me. There are other couples out there who do not  have choices, and do not have insurance or money to see an open door to having their dream come true. I am full of emotions..but mostly I just sit and cry. I called my friends and family, but I have nothing to say. There is nothing to say. I am stunned by the fact that I am going through this. My fear has come true. I worry..will it ever happen. What if. I guess, what it comes down to is, I feel out of control. For the last 8 months, I have been peeing on sticks, working out like crazy, taking my medicine for my thyroid, drinking lots of water, taking prenatal vitamins that make me sick, praying to a fertility doll, charting my cycle, searching endlessly at pregnancy help sites, getting stressed and depressed everytime my period came. And now...when it come down to it, was it a waste. No matter what I did..it would not have done anything. I guess I am angry. I am sad, disappointed, and just numb. I probably need a couple more days to absorb it and work through my emotions. This is all new to me.
October 18th, 2010

Well- crying a little. More sullen than usual. Not a lot of words come to mind..I guess I will just post music videos..sometimes music is the best way to describe a feel..pain.

Brook Shields share's her struggle in,

Brooke Shields gets personal:“I thought it would be so easy to become a mom.”

“After a while, when you’re not successful, you start to associate the word ‘failure’ every time you pee on a stick and it doesn’t come out the right color. What starts out as a dream becomes a project that’s all consuming — everywhere you look, women are pregnant, and every song on the radio seems like it’s all about being pregnant! It becomes a very frustrating, frightening place.”

October 17th 2010

11:44pm

I guess better luck next month. Damn it! :(
OCTOBER Second Entry- 16th 2010
So before I post all the joyous pictures of Hawaii...I have to vent. After I vent there will be some really pretty pictures to admire. Well..it makes me feel better about venting to a computer and whoever wants to read it....

Today is day 26 of my cycle. Yes- the two week wait. I am going mad. I may have cried ten different times yesterday. I have read through four or five really good websites about how to conceive. Watched a few youtube vlogs about IVF. Of course I searched Guilianna and Bill. I really like their show. Even though it is so sad that she miscarried, it makes me like her even more. So many couples have had the same thing happened and now they have a voice.

Bottom line, I really should just stay away from the computer during the 2ww. I become a crying fool.

With that said- I will tell you a funny story that happened this month.
I am sure other couples have used many different techniques to become pregnant. My husband got super creative this month. He went to visit his mom in San Diego and brought back a gift for us. I open up the box and out popped a large, African wooden fertility goddess doll. I say "what is this?", he says "it is going to help us get pregnant."

I am shocked and a little freaked out. I say "okay honey". At least he is trying and I find it almost endearing.

The strange thing is, that night I got my period. This might not sound strange to you, but I got aunt flow right away. I have not had a healthy period like this in years.

Now I am inspired and feeling really optimistic. We are off to Hawaii two weeks later and have decided to bring the doll with us. It was quite a dilemma. Do we bring a fertility doll on the plane and have everyone look at us like we are crazy?
NO. We pack the baby doll in our suitcase and we go off to Hawaii.
The night we get there I set the doll on the nightstand, near the lamp and the four books I brought to read. TO be honest I only end upreading one.

I go to turn on the light to read in bed and it happens.
In slow motion I watch the doll fall from the slightest touch of one of my books.

at this moment I had two choices. Be calm, take a deep breath and just place the doll back where it was standing.

Or do what I did.

I screamed.. "OH NO!"

"Shit"

I panicked. I lost it even more when I saw that I had completely smashed the dolls right boob!
Did I mentioned the doll had pointy boobs? It also has rainbow earrings and ankle bracelets. Very cute I thought.

I grab the doll, and open the door to the living room where my husband, mom, and brother are relaxing. I look at my husband and I say "I broke the fertility doll". He just starts laughing hysterically. I do not find that helpful at all and I go into a complete dramatic act like in days of our lives. I could have won an award. My brother eventually came in a calmed me down. All was okay- but geez! I am super crazy right now.
Later that night I apologized to the doll.

So- that is my crazy story for this month. I guess the only thing I can do now is wait. and wait. and wait some more.


OCTOBER 4, 2010 First entry
Monday, October 4, 2010
Well- I have been fighting the urge to reveal my ttc journey on a blog, but I am going to give it a shot. I can always delete it ..right? Well- here is my trying to conceive story. I have been with my husband now for almost 16 years. We finally got married two years ago. July 27 was our two year anniversary. We started trying in April of 2010. So it has been 6 months. These have been the longest 6 months of my life. Each month we try so hard and the day I get my period...I get so let down. I have been an emotional wreck. I have tried all sorts of devices with no success. The funny thing about it all is almost every month something has gone wrong. From tooth infections, flu's, you name it. It has been so utterly frustrating. I really am fine until the day I get my period. It is so depressing that day. NO. That's a lie. The two week wait is so unbearable. If you come to my house during the two week wait, you can cut the tension with a knife. My poor husband, he has so much patience, but I can see him cracking a bit. It is not his fault, I am a lunatic who looks at him with crazy eyes. If he just looks wrong, that is it..I am the exorcist coming at him full force. Oh and the strangest thing has been ocurring the last few months. I see pregnant women. And babies. They are all over. Everyday at my work sometimes two or three pregnant women are coming in. I am driving, and they are walking on the sidewalk with their strollers. I turn the television on and every movie has to do with babies or the main character is pregnant. I can not tell you the lengths my husband and I have gone to reach the joys of parenthood. I have such a great family and friends who are so supportive. I even give credit to my facebook friends who have surprisingly been there every time I have vented my frustrations. I know and believe in the near future somehow I will get the chance to fulfill my biggest dream.

Amen Omen - Ben Harper

Bonnie Raitt - Angel from Montgomery (live)

Ben Harper - Walk Away

Ben Harper - Waiting on an angel

Dealing with resentment.


Click on the link above and it gives great tips on how to deal with resentment. I have entered this website in here because i am going through a rough situation and I am sure others are dealing with the same emotion.  I heard shocking news today and I felt real uneasy.  My body felt queasy, my appetite ceased, and my body got very tight. My mind stopped and I felt my emotions take control. Since I have a psychology background I knew I needed to check in with myself. I am not perfect and I know my body and emotions take control and my rational thought process gets blinded sometimes.  I had to research what I was feeling. Was it anger? No. Because the main component with Anger that stood out was wanting to yell or be mean to someone. I did not feel that. I do not feel any rage. At least not yet. Was it sadness. Maybe, but I am not feeling completely depressed, it is more of a feeling of hopelessness about the situation. Am I resentful. Yes. I have all the symptoms. And the biggest one that stood out was feeling betrayed by someone in the past. Anger is part of it, but I feel more of  an icky feeling around them. Like this person has hurt me in the past and he has all bad intentions. He is a snake, a greedy, ugly, selfish, manipulative person. And above all, I was not protected by this person. He is the essence of my worst nightmare. Do you ever feel like in your life in each person's life they are given a test. I believe in every bad situation in my life, this person's behavior has challenged me. It keeps on showing up. I truly wonder what I am supposed to learn from this situation. Or is it some higher power player a practical joke on me.

a song for all of us who are trapped in a  struggle to conceive

Their is a musical about infertility
 The musical (with great voices, signing good songs!) follows the journey of three sets of people longing to become parents: a heterosexual couple not unlike the authors; a lesbian couple; and a career woman with a ticking bio-clock.

Just met a very interesting man name Bip Pippey. What a name right?!
Sometimes when life gets you down and you are searching for an answer, it comes in the most strangest pathways. I have heard of people having a dream and finding knowledge through their unconscious. Others have tried the bible or a good book. I have a cousin who said try asking a question and open any book and there on the page, you will have the answer. My mom goes to therapy or tarot cards. My dad goes dancing and just figures everything will turn out. Ignorance is bliss..for him. Well- my dilemma was when I went to Hawaii I had a great time, but I found myself being scared a lot. I was not afraid of the dark, or people, more about sharks in the water, driving on steep roads, and afraid of big waves. My mom mentioned how I did not used to be so frightened by things. It made me question why am I more frightened now that I am older. I have never been a real dare devil. I never liked to ride roller coasters or snorkel or ski. But I think the main change is I do not even try now. It is as if I am living life with my eyes closed. I am so fearful of death or that someone else will get hurt. I am not sure where this is coming from. I could guess it has to do with my brother dying, I am getting older, or just too much shark week and scary movies. When I was younger I was very sheltered. I did not watch the news, shark week, or animal shows, and I never watched scary movies. Then today Bip Pippey came in and told the most craziest stories. He is a middle aged scruffy guy with a big belly and a smile on his face. He started off telling me about 20 years ago he was hiking in the woods and traded cigarettes with a guy for magic mushrooms. Bip had the most hardy laugh. It was nice to hear and almost freeing. Then we talked more about his mushroom days and I secretly remembered my youth filled with magic mushrooms, freedom of responsibility, and ignorance. I said, "sounds like you have some good memories." He said, " yeah, and some bad ones too." I waited for him to go on. He did. He told me in 1984 he was traveling in Yosemite and a group of his friends and family were on top of Half dome. Lighting struck and killed his two friends and brother. He seemed sad and talked about that tragic day. He then looked at me and smiled. I smiled back..curious to hear what next he would tell me. He said with a proud smile, "the following year I hiked up half dome." I was astonished and didn't know what to say. The words that came out of my mouth surprised me. I said, "fearless!". That is how I want to live my life. He then proceeded to tell me his scuba experiences and hiking 22 miles out in the woods. I enjoyed his story and thought to myself- that is the way to live!
Thank you Bip Pippey
Live life without fear...you only get one chance!

What am I thinking?
I am getting really organized in this blog. Join me and hear my stories of pain and comic relief with tying to conceive a baby. I would love to create a community and support and compassion around such a hard dilemma a lot of of are dealing with. I also am making a page of the books I am reading. I am going to make an extra effort to read more and learn from what I am reading. I would love to hear other's opinions and discuss interesting books with other avid readers. I also love to take pictures. So I hope you enjoy my pictures I take. I would love to hear feedback. As for food..we all love food. So I will talk about cravings, memories of food, and of course great recipes, Maybe diets I am on as well. And maybe once in a while I will write a memory or a story from the past.

first blog

so here I go! My first blog. I believe this will be many and many to come. For some reason- I feel free to express myself behind this wall of anonimity. So here I go, I hope you enjoy the madness of my mind.