There's a baby in there!

Yes!! Confirmed!! Thank god!! Now I can sleep! Ahhh!!! After a long time of trying..I finally saw a baby at the U/S! I could hardly see my baby, but when she said look at the flickering light..that's the heart beat! I saw it! I have to say, I am still in shock and really relieved. I feel just kind of like putty! But...one thing. They put two in and one stayed. I am actually happy there is only one, because thinking about it financially and health wise..it would have been very stressful. But I am wondering about the other embryo. My husband and I were talking about the soul and when it enters the body. I really don't know the answer..but I wonder. I feel like I am  mourning the other embryo for some reason.
My husband said the Egyptian belief is that the soul does not arrive in the body until a child takes it's first breath. Not really sure if this is true or not..interesting subject to research on though.
I have called all the important family members who have been asking and friends who have been there to support me and I have to say..I am kind of too tired to talk very long. I am so tired! So very tired. I am not sure if it is the pregnancy or just I feel like I have been fighting and fighting and finally I do not have to fight anymore. There is still a little fear in me..but overall..I met my baby...and we are connected. Okay..crying now. Those words just kind of woke me up from this daze and shock I have been feeling. This little bean is connected to my body, my soul. We are one right now! This is an amazing feeling! I love this baby so much...words can not describe how happy this feeling is. Even though I can hardly move..and my boobs are killing me...I am jumping for joy inside!

Ultrasound today at 3:45pm

This will be the shortest post I have ever written..but I just wanted to shout out that my ultrasound is at 3:45 today. I am and have been a nervous wreck. I have been having a hard time blogging lately and commenting because well...I can not think straight. I so hope everything goes well...so nervous...that is all that is in my head..I want everything to be okay and that I have a healthy baby growing and my body will be fine. I also would really like to hear the heartbeat. Not sure if this is possible at 6 weeks and 5 days. Wish me luck...

Tender Boobs!

Yes..I put it in  the title. Seriously girls...if I just move my arm a little across my boob..I am in so much pain! This is ridiculous. This is not a little tender..this is like..ouch!!!
hahahah
And my progesterone shots have not been a walk in the park! Sorry this is a venting blog..but I got to get this out!

I am itchy all over the injecting sites! Note to all of you who will do PIO(progesterone in oil) injections.
1) Do not inject the needle in the same place over and over again. I did the first two weeks and now I have small hard ball like knots on each hip.
2) If one side seems to be building up a ball, inject the other side two to three days until the ball decreases
3) If you have a huge fear of needles..do what I did and inject yourself and have your husband or friend inject the oil( for me this made me feel like I had a little more control)
4) Give yourself an award each night. Chocolate, or bead a necklace.
5) and finally get witch hazel to rub when the itching and burning start

Please give support to fellow Blogger

Please give support to Jennifer at: http://doihavetobeadink.blogspot.com/http://doihavetobeadink.blogspot.com/

She just lost her baby and she needs as much support as possible right now. I have been following her for months and I was just so excited for her ...as I do for all of you who struggle the same challenges I do with Conceiving. 


I can no say much more....I am still at loss for words. I even swore "oh Shit" on her comments because I was in shock. I do not swear on this blogosphere. It is only reserved when horrible horrible things happen.
I was also wondering if anyone has contacted 
http://horriblehormones.blogspot.com/

Welcome May ICLW

Welcome May ICLW Bloggers and loyal bloggers I have been in contact the last few months. If you read my TTC journey you will see I got a BFP last week. I would love for you to join my Journey and would love to follow yours and support you as well. If you recently got a BFP, BFN, just started trying to conceive, or have been trying for years, trying with IUi, or IVF, or trying for that second baby but it just is not as easy as the first, it does not matter ...we are all on the same journey..: Trying to make a family. And this is a great community of support and resources. I have no idea how I would have survived this year with this loving community. So welcome if you are new, and Thank you to each and every one of you for being there for me and letting me be a part of your journey.
 I can not tell you how many pots I have read that have brought me to tears from sorrow and inspiration. I do feel like this community has helped me in so many ways. it is as if...I am talking to a friend through this blogs. Some bloggers really share amazing stories about their lives and feelings.

If you are new to my blog I would love to get to know you. Here are a few questions:
1) Where are you in your Infertility Path
2) have you had children before
3) how long have you been blogging
4) if you have a blog..what is?
5) If you have been dealing with Infertility for a while, what have you been doing to relieve the stress
6) what is your favorite blog or two

Again Welcome to May ICLW..and I can not wait to start commenting:)

I am still here..sneezing away

I have so much to catch up to with all my favorite bloggers ..as soon as I found out about my BFP...I started feeling really tired. I thought it could have been about the hormones but then my throat got really sore..and now I am in full blown sneezing and coughing fits. This kind of sucks. I want to celebrate and enjoy this moment but I am so drained. I am recovering quickly though..I did not get a fever, so it is just a cold now..but I am very very tired.

I have many blogs to catch up with...I miss my blogging buddies.

I also have to admit I have been very emotional. I am not sure if it is the estradiol pills twice a day and progesterone at night..I wonder if the hormones are not natural and more than normal. I feel out of control emotionally lately. Very vulnerable and insecure. I seem to be nagging my husband a lot. And I went out with my mom today and everything she did was annoying me. TMI notice(I have not had sex in a very long time.) I am on edge..because I am sick, I am on a huge amounts of hormones, and it has been two very long months of hormones and 2 week wait..of no sex.

I can not believe I am writing this down on my blog for the world to read but I really feel sex in a relationship does bring a couple closer. I do not feel that sex alone brings a couple closer because there can be intimacy and closeness that does not involve sex that  But sex alone is an extremely close intimate moment that should not be ceased for two months. Plus..I do not think we will be "doing it" until after the first trimester. Okay...I am going to stop revealing this part of my life..who knows what I will write next!

I hope you all are doing great and have many great plans for this weekend! Tomorrow is Friday! Yayayay

Hugs

Finally!! Beta Results!

I can not believe Blogger was down when I finally got my test results!! 

BFP!!!

yes! BFP!! I am in shock right now!

it has been over a year of Trying to Conceive!

My first beta was 274

my second beta was 447

I am still nervous because I still have my ultra sound in two weeks. 

Let me tell you how my phone call went for my first beta. The doctor said "well you are pregnant". I started getting excited and emotional. She then stopped that by saying, "don't jump for joy yet. You have to go get your blood test tomorrow and then you have an ultra sound." All the joy just kind of melted away into my gut. Do I ever get a break. When do I get to celebrate!

So last night was so hard not being able to tell you all and vent and get advice with this mixed message of a pregnancy result. 

So then I got my second beta test result back today and this is what the clinic said: "these are excellent numbers congratulations. Let's set up an ultra sound." 

I let myself get happy this time. But of course I am worried about the u/s. I really really want to just soak this up.

I feel a little bittersweet right now.

1) I am so happy that finally all this worked!

2) I have worried about every step of this IVF, and it has not stopped now that the test result says I am pregnant

3) from reading blogs, I know how quickly a dream can be taken away

4) I want to dream, but fear is in the background

5) I feel I have gone through this journey with many of you, and fear I will lose this community

6) I feel so blessed that I got a BFP

7) I feel sad for all my fellow IF community who still have not received their BFP( this makes me very sad.) I have gone through many IVF and IUI journeys and have cried when I heard it did not work. It still breaks my heart.

8) I feel like I am in limbo...do I celebrate or hold on tight for two more weeks until the U/S...I fear everything!!

As for now..I will try to enjoy this moment because I am pregnant! yes..I am pregnant. I just keep on repeating this to myself! 

I am pregnant!

One more day for beta! food is my only savior!

I am so frustrated..I have to wait one more day for my beta!! My hmo is giving me a hard time. I have to wait one more day! I tell you..when I got the call that I had to wait one more day just took the wind out of me. I had so much energy today and all my family and friends and blogging buddies waiting for the result...and then I find out I am just not a priority. I tellyou... this is just the essence of my experience trying to get pregnant. This journey has not been easy. I guess in my life, most things have come easy. I am not saying I get everything I want. It is more of the matter of..if I try hard enough, I get it..or I accomplish  my goals. This whole experience has just been a whole new experience of being out of control, learning to be patient, and finding out that it could always be worse.

I can not tell you how many different emotions I have had today. But people keep telling me to be positive. I really want to be....but I know what could happen...and it scares me to death! This has been so scary. Yes...I am so scared. No one else will allow to me to say this. They believe that if I share my scared feelings then I won't get pregnant. They think that if I get stressed out or say I am fearful..then I will not get pregnant. Sometimes I feel like maybe they just can not handle my negative anxiousness. And then that makes me think, how are any of my friends and family going to deal with my sadness or depression if I do not get pregnant. I have visions through this 2ww of shopping for my baby, and feeling it grow and being oohed at and ahhhed at with everyone sayign how "oh she has the glow" I fantasize of telling all of you and and all you cheering me on and then becoming a cheerleaders for you and all the new bloggers. I fantasize about names, and eye shape, and eye color, and then how I am going to raise my child or twins! and then the fear comes in and says, wait...this may not happen. So then I get visions of telling my husband to make the calls, eating a lot of ice cream, and throwing plates around. And then I say..wait..you are being too negative...just do not think about it. and then it starts all over again.

Then the symptoms are confusing. They feel like, cramping, and twinges..and then sometimes it's just gas.


Everyone is so excited for me..but I am screaming inside. I can not deal with this waiting. I know why every one says the 2ww wait is the hardest part of this whole journey. it really is.

alright..that is enough rambling from me for now. Okay one more thought..I am emotionally eating like crazy. Last week I went out for pizza and ate 4 pieces of pizza! The next day I went out for hamburgers and fries( in-n-out burger and fries animal style) then right after the burgers went out for ice cream! I have gone off the wagon. Food is my addiction. I really need to find out the result...if not..I am seriously going to need to go to food rehab! Oh yeah...and I have had chocolate! mm..actually that sounds good..

see ya..going for a chocolate cookie now!

Final update: spotting

Thank you all for being so supportive. I really could not do this without your support. I got the call later that night and the clinic said.."well that sounds like good news." But it may also be a false positive. They said to call the nurse in the morning. The nurse was not excited about the positive preg test..she said it is too early. But she did say I could come in two days early for a beta test.So Wednesday morning I am going for an hcg test!! wish me luck girls!!

I spotted once today. My boobs are super sensitive and my lower back is killing me! Right where I have been taking the PIO shots. Other than that..my mind is just racing..I have been feeling hopeful though..I also took another preg test today and it was positive. Oh..and I am really tired so I will be going to bed any minute.

I am not really able to reflect or express much emotion, I feel more like I am on auto control. It is too much to think about the positive or negative. It hurts too much.

Spotting- second update

The on call nurse called and said I need to come in for a blood test. She then said let's first have you go out and get a preg test and see what it says. She said she would call back in an hour. I hope she calls soon. maybe 20 minutes.  I took it, it is positive.  I am excited to see this: but is it a false positive? I will await the call to see what to do next. I had my transfer 9 days ago. I am just really on edge right now!

can't stop crying! I am spotting

can't stop crying. I have been checking myself every time I went to the bathroom. Today, I checked it and I saw light pink spot on the tissue. I can not believe this is happening to me! Yesterday and today I have been having sharp pains in my lower back. I have no clue what is going on and I feel horrible. I can not take this. I am waiting  for a call from my clinics on call doctor. Just feel so sad:(

Mother's day during the 2WW

Five more days to go on this journey of 2ww. It has been up and down, and around and around as for my emotions. If I am sitting at home watching TV, I see mother's day commercials. If I am on the computer on facebook, I am reminded how all my friends and family have kids or expecting. Of course my first 2ww is during mother's day. I am so frustrated all I can do is laugh. There really is nothing else I can do ..right?
I have decided not to leave the house. If I go out to breakfast or lunch I am expecting to get more anxious and sad. I used to love seeing kids, but right now..it will remind me of what challenges I have been dealing with. This journey is over a year now and it has been really trying. When I have been looking at mother's lately, I get so jealous. I think to myself, they probably didn't even have to think twice. The couple probably had a fun night and poof..ooops "we are pregnant". Little do they know the daily regime of shots and pain I have had to deal with to have a 50% chance of getting pregnant. 


As you can tell, I am feeling a little more on the negative side today. Normally I am more optimistic, but I am feeling not so happy right now. I was reading Whitney's blog and sometimes when she writes  I feel she is writing exactly how I am feeling. One part of her blog really spoke to me:

she writes:
"It’s like we went off-route through a mountain underpass years ago and we’ve been blindly working our way through the tunnel. We went in as two, but were supposed to come out as three.  And now we see the light at the end of that tunnel, but we are still two and have to walk out of it anyway."
  
Going through this 2ww just brings back all the emotions of hope, despair, sadness each time it has not worked. It is just getting to me. I so want this to work. I am sure I will feel better tomorrow since I will be distracted at work, but it is only 9am on Sunday morning. I have many more hours to go.  


I did have a great day yesterday. My husband and I had fun shopping at the mall. I did notice every pregnant lady though. And I pointed them out to my husband. I do not know why I do this. This has been a habit for me for months now. If am with someone and I see a pregnant women, I feel obligated to point this lucky pregnant women out to everyone.  I know- strange.


Symptoms:
well I do feel the twinge in my ovaries. Yesterday after walking in the mall for a couple hours, my lower back was really hurting with sharp twinges. It was a little painful. But then it just disappears. My boobs are very tender. 


I just am so frustrated because I feel like my body is playing a trick on me. Is it the hormones or early pregnancy signs. I just want to know if I am pregnant already. This is not fair that I have to wait!




I hope you all are surviving the 2ww
 and this challenging day. 


Hugs:)

Hello 9 to 5!

My life has changed in so many ways in the last couple weeks. I have put my body through such a tornado of emotions and physical shock. I found a new home for my cat Ozzy. Mind you I have visited him twice this week and he is so happy and smitten with his new owner. His owner stays home with him every day and they talk play and nap together every day. Ozzy gets so much attention. Ozzy's new best friend invites us over to visit at least once a week and told me last night how thankful he is to have found Ozzy and that he loves him and has such a good time with him. This makes me want to cry with joy. Okay...need to change the subject because frankly I am just sick of crying: sad or happy tears. Yesterday I was watching The voice. It is a singing show like American idol but all the singers have great voices. A few of the contestants sang and I was crying. And then I was crying just hearing there stories about this singing competition being there last chance. i could empathize with their desperation..so I cried. it was exhausting.

Update on PIO Shots

I was doing so well but then last night at about 5:30 I went on a nice hour gentle walk along the beach with my friend. She is now Five month pregnant. She is a great friend and just a real sweet giving person. I am so happy to have her as a friend. Well.  after an hour walk, I came home for my PIO shot. Something strange happened. we did all the usual ice, massage, heat, walk, but this time there was a knot or bump. it is still there. we tried for 40 minutes with heat and deep massage. I was screaming from the pain. I honestly was saying out loud i do not want to do this anymore. it was painful.

So this is what I think went wrong so please do not do what we did:
1) too much ice.  too long. maybe just get an ice cube for 3 or 4 minutes before your shot
2) when you or your husband is injecting the shot..go slow. My husband went to fast.
3) take a 30 minutes and really warm the pio in the syringe on your skin or under your arm
                    other than that..tonight's PIO injection went fine.

I have to also tell you all I changed my job!! Yes..it is such great news. I have been working for my Family business for the last 6 years. I have been working for my parents since I was 16, but between that time i got a B.A. in Psychology and and M.A. in counseling. While I was going to grad school my father and brother left the business. Since that occurred I have joined the business with my mom as well as my husband. My mom is of course the CEO, my husband is ahead of production, and I worked in the field managing three of our Eleven stores. it was hard work and I finally just got my energy and control as a Regional Manager working 6 sometimes 7 days week, weekends and not getting home until 8 or 9pm. I had to move furniture everyday and go out to customer's houses, as well as deal with customer service and well..it was a huge responsibility. I do not have a problem with many of the results of the job but two things.
1) working weekend and late hours( I never saw my friends or husband)
2) moving heavy furniture( this could create a miscarriage)

My mom called me on Sunday and told me she would like me to step down and become the head of PR, blogging, and social networking for the company. I loved the idea but told her I would have to think about it. It took all of 10 minutes for me to call her back and tell her I am on!! Today was my first day. I think it was a shock for me because I am not sure I know what are my regular daily duties and really where to go with this position.  I had to tell my staff and that was really hard. I wish I could go out and tell them face to face but I was asked to call them right away because they needed supervision right away. This was really hard. i think I am going to miss them. I would see them every week for hours. I not only mentored  them, but many of them i felt like we went int battle together. I think I need to do something for them as a good bye, although it is not totally goodbye because I will still see them at work parties and communicate with them about social networking and such. ot sure..just needed to get this out I think.

I guess I will leave this very long post with my symptoms during my fifth day of 2ww:
1) twinge in  my side( like cramping before a period)
2) very sensitive, could cry any minute
3) very very very hungry( I had 4 pieces of pizza tonight) and I am really hungry 20 minutes later
4) Nipples are supper sensitive( yes I pinched them, but not in front of anybody) hahah
5) very tired..but I am too anxious to sleep

that about does it..

Meet my two embies

http://www.nyufertilitycenter.org/ivf/embryo_transfer
this website is very interesting since I am in the 2WW process. I am craving information on what is going on in my body now. I  have felt through the whole IVF process like I know what is going on, but now I do not feel anything nor do the doctors call or check my blood level or check my ovaries..nothing. I am so happy the PIO shots are easy. I have no pain, just a little soreness, but I wonder if the progesterone is working. I mean, some points I feel a little twinge or cramp, but overall it is all emotion. Today I have been just exhausted.  And I may be driving my husband crazy. He has said I have been whiny all day. I can not help it( in a whiny voice). hahaha

Seriously, I am getting annoyed with myself. I am just irritated at everything. I feel anxious and out of control. I do not feel anything in my body, so that makes me nervous. Then I feel something in my body, so that makes me nervous. Today after going on a nice walk to the beach, having a nice lunch, and then shopping for groceries, my husband seemed irritated at me. at least that was what I perceived. He said, he thought I needed a nap. Lets just get something straight. I have not taken a nap or needed a nap in the middle of the day since I was maybe 15. I have just always had lots of energy and too busy to take a nap. Well I am not sure what happened but I started arguing with my husband about who knows what and he argued back and snapped at me. I started crying and then I just exploded. I started crying hysterically. I ran into my room and tried to calm myself down. I put on my earphones and  listened to a meditation from circle+bloom. before I knew it, I was sound  asleep. I woke up an hour later, feeling refreshed and not so sad.

I woke up to the the smell of spices and vegetable soup. I walked into the kitchen and there he was just finishing up the soup. I hugged him, grabbed a bowl of soup and I felt so much better.

I have to say, I am an emotional wreck. Happy one minute and then about to cry and yell at my husband the next. Seriously I am going to need to get a handle on this. In the mean time I am going to eat all this Delicious soup!

OH and other good news: I am less constipated! YAYAYAY! You have no idea..oh wait..you probably do! If you have ever been pregnant or taking any kind of  progesterone, you know how painful and agonizing it is to have your digestion slow down. I have been burping not stop. I finally feel like my belly is not hard and bloated. It is a great feeling!!!  Here is what I learned: be careful..do not drink too much prune juice..not fun! And the coconut water is okay, but most of all it gave me a lot of gas.

Oh...I framed my two embryos. Here they are: 3 day transfer. 8 cell grade 2!

magic!!!