One more day for beta! food is my only savior!

I am so frustrated..I have to wait one more day for my beta!! My hmo is giving me a hard time. I have to wait one more day! I tell you..when I got the call that I had to wait one more day just took the wind out of me. I had so much energy today and all my family and friends and blogging buddies waiting for the result...and then I find out I am just not a priority. I tellyou... this is just the essence of my experience trying to get pregnant. This journey has not been easy. I guess in my life, most things have come easy. I am not saying I get everything I want. It is more of the matter of..if I try hard enough, I get it..or I accomplish  my goals. This whole experience has just been a whole new experience of being out of control, learning to be patient, and finding out that it could always be worse.

I can not tell you how many different emotions I have had today. But people keep telling me to be positive. I really want to be....but I know what could happen...and it scares me to death! This has been so scary. Yes...I am so scared. No one else will allow to me to say this. They believe that if I share my scared feelings then I won't get pregnant. They think that if I get stressed out or say I am fearful..then I will not get pregnant. Sometimes I feel like maybe they just can not handle my negative anxiousness. And then that makes me think, how are any of my friends and family going to deal with my sadness or depression if I do not get pregnant. I have visions through this 2ww of shopping for my baby, and feeling it grow and being oohed at and ahhhed at with everyone sayign how "oh she has the glow" I fantasize of telling all of you and and all you cheering me on and then becoming a cheerleaders for you and all the new bloggers. I fantasize about names, and eye shape, and eye color, and then how I am going to raise my child or twins! and then the fear comes in and says, wait...this may not happen. So then I get visions of telling my husband to make the calls, eating a lot of ice cream, and throwing plates around. And then I say..wait..you are being too negative...just do not think about it. and then it starts all over again.

Then the symptoms are confusing. They feel like, cramping, and twinges..and then sometimes it's just gas.


Everyone is so excited for me..but I am screaming inside. I can not deal with this waiting. I know why every one says the 2ww wait is the hardest part of this whole journey. it really is.

alright..that is enough rambling from me for now. Okay one more thought..I am emotionally eating like crazy. Last week I went out for pizza and ate 4 pieces of pizza! The next day I went out for hamburgers and fries( in-n-out burger and fries animal style) then right after the burgers went out for ice cream! I have gone off the wagon. Food is my addiction. I really need to find out the result...if not..I am seriously going to need to go to food rehab! Oh yeah...and I have had chocolate! mm..actually that sounds good..

see ya..going for a chocolate cookie now!

Final update: spotting

Thank you all for being so supportive. I really could not do this without your support. I got the call later that night and the clinic said.."well that sounds like good news." But it may also be a false positive. They said to call the nurse in the morning. The nurse was not excited about the positive preg test..she said it is too early. But she did say I could come in two days early for a beta test.So Wednesday morning I am going for an hcg test!! wish me luck girls!!

I spotted once today. My boobs are super sensitive and my lower back is killing me! Right where I have been taking the PIO shots. Other than that..my mind is just racing..I have been feeling hopeful though..I also took another preg test today and it was positive. Oh..and I am really tired so I will be going to bed any minute.

I am not really able to reflect or express much emotion, I feel more like I am on auto control. It is too much to think about the positive or negative. It hurts too much.

Spotting- second update

The on call nurse called and said I need to come in for a blood test. She then said let's first have you go out and get a preg test and see what it says. She said she would call back in an hour. I hope she calls soon. maybe 20 minutes.  I took it, it is positive.  I am excited to see this: but is it a false positive? I will await the call to see what to do next. I had my transfer 9 days ago. I am just really on edge right now!

can't stop crying! I am spotting

can't stop crying. I have been checking myself every time I went to the bathroom. Today, I checked it and I saw light pink spot on the tissue. I can not believe this is happening to me! Yesterday and today I have been having sharp pains in my lower back. I have no clue what is going on and I feel horrible. I can not take this. I am waiting  for a call from my clinics on call doctor. Just feel so sad:(

Mother's day during the 2WW

Five more days to go on this journey of 2ww. It has been up and down, and around and around as for my emotions. If I am sitting at home watching TV, I see mother's day commercials. If I am on the computer on facebook, I am reminded how all my friends and family have kids or expecting. Of course my first 2ww is during mother's day. I am so frustrated all I can do is laugh. There really is nothing else I can do ..right?
I have decided not to leave the house. If I go out to breakfast or lunch I am expecting to get more anxious and sad. I used to love seeing kids, but right now..it will remind me of what challenges I have been dealing with. This journey is over a year now and it has been really trying. When I have been looking at mother's lately, I get so jealous. I think to myself, they probably didn't even have to think twice. The couple probably had a fun night and poof..ooops "we are pregnant". Little do they know the daily regime of shots and pain I have had to deal with to have a 50% chance of getting pregnant. 


As you can tell, I am feeling a little more on the negative side today. Normally I am more optimistic, but I am feeling not so happy right now. I was reading Whitney's blog and sometimes when she writes  I feel she is writing exactly how I am feeling. One part of her blog really spoke to me:

she writes:
"It’s like we went off-route through a mountain underpass years ago and we’ve been blindly working our way through the tunnel. We went in as two, but were supposed to come out as three.  And now we see the light at the end of that tunnel, but we are still two and have to walk out of it anyway."
  
Going through this 2ww just brings back all the emotions of hope, despair, sadness each time it has not worked. It is just getting to me. I so want this to work. I am sure I will feel better tomorrow since I will be distracted at work, but it is only 9am on Sunday morning. I have many more hours to go.  


I did have a great day yesterday. My husband and I had fun shopping at the mall. I did notice every pregnant lady though. And I pointed them out to my husband. I do not know why I do this. This has been a habit for me for months now. If am with someone and I see a pregnant women, I feel obligated to point this lucky pregnant women out to everyone.  I know- strange.


Symptoms:
well I do feel the twinge in my ovaries. Yesterday after walking in the mall for a couple hours, my lower back was really hurting with sharp twinges. It was a little painful. But then it just disappears. My boobs are very tender. 


I just am so frustrated because I feel like my body is playing a trick on me. Is it the hormones or early pregnancy signs. I just want to know if I am pregnant already. This is not fair that I have to wait!




I hope you all are surviving the 2ww
 and this challenging day. 


Hugs:)

Hello 9 to 5!

My life has changed in so many ways in the last couple weeks. I have put my body through such a tornado of emotions and physical shock. I found a new home for my cat Ozzy. Mind you I have visited him twice this week and he is so happy and smitten with his new owner. His owner stays home with him every day and they talk play and nap together every day. Ozzy gets so much attention. Ozzy's new best friend invites us over to visit at least once a week and told me last night how thankful he is to have found Ozzy and that he loves him and has such a good time with him. This makes me want to cry with joy. Okay...need to change the subject because frankly I am just sick of crying: sad or happy tears. Yesterday I was watching The voice. It is a singing show like American idol but all the singers have great voices. A few of the contestants sang and I was crying. And then I was crying just hearing there stories about this singing competition being there last chance. i could empathize with their desperation..so I cried. it was exhausting.

Update on PIO Shots

I was doing so well but then last night at about 5:30 I went on a nice hour gentle walk along the beach with my friend. She is now Five month pregnant. She is a great friend and just a real sweet giving person. I am so happy to have her as a friend. Well.  after an hour walk, I came home for my PIO shot. Something strange happened. we did all the usual ice, massage, heat, walk, but this time there was a knot or bump. it is still there. we tried for 40 minutes with heat and deep massage. I was screaming from the pain. I honestly was saying out loud i do not want to do this anymore. it was painful.

So this is what I think went wrong so please do not do what we did:
1) too much ice.  too long. maybe just get an ice cube for 3 or 4 minutes before your shot
2) when you or your husband is injecting the shot..go slow. My husband went to fast.
3) take a 30 minutes and really warm the pio in the syringe on your skin or under your arm
                    other than that..tonight's PIO injection went fine.

I have to also tell you all I changed my job!! Yes..it is such great news. I have been working for my Family business for the last 6 years. I have been working for my parents since I was 16, but between that time i got a B.A. in Psychology and and M.A. in counseling. While I was going to grad school my father and brother left the business. Since that occurred I have joined the business with my mom as well as my husband. My mom is of course the CEO, my husband is ahead of production, and I worked in the field managing three of our Eleven stores. it was hard work and I finally just got my energy and control as a Regional Manager working 6 sometimes 7 days week, weekends and not getting home until 8 or 9pm. I had to move furniture everyday and go out to customer's houses, as well as deal with customer service and well..it was a huge responsibility. I do not have a problem with many of the results of the job but two things.
1) working weekend and late hours( I never saw my friends or husband)
2) moving heavy furniture( this could create a miscarriage)

My mom called me on Sunday and told me she would like me to step down and become the head of PR, blogging, and social networking for the company. I loved the idea but told her I would have to think about it. It took all of 10 minutes for me to call her back and tell her I am on!! Today was my first day. I think it was a shock for me because I am not sure I know what are my regular daily duties and really where to go with this position.  I had to tell my staff and that was really hard. I wish I could go out and tell them face to face but I was asked to call them right away because they needed supervision right away. This was really hard. i think I am going to miss them. I would see them every week for hours. I not only mentored  them, but many of them i felt like we went int battle together. I think I need to do something for them as a good bye, although it is not totally goodbye because I will still see them at work parties and communicate with them about social networking and such. ot sure..just needed to get this out I think.

I guess I will leave this very long post with my symptoms during my fifth day of 2ww:
1) twinge in  my side( like cramping before a period)
2) very sensitive, could cry any minute
3) very very very hungry( I had 4 pieces of pizza tonight) and I am really hungry 20 minutes later
4) Nipples are supper sensitive( yes I pinched them, but not in front of anybody) hahah
5) very tired..but I am too anxious to sleep

that about does it..

Meet my two embies

http://www.nyufertilitycenter.org/ivf/embryo_transfer
this website is very interesting since I am in the 2WW process. I am craving information on what is going on in my body now. I  have felt through the whole IVF process like I know what is going on, but now I do not feel anything nor do the doctors call or check my blood level or check my ovaries..nothing. I am so happy the PIO shots are easy. I have no pain, just a little soreness, but I wonder if the progesterone is working. I mean, some points I feel a little twinge or cramp, but overall it is all emotion. Today I have been just exhausted.  And I may be driving my husband crazy. He has said I have been whiny all day. I can not help it( in a whiny voice). hahaha

Seriously, I am getting annoyed with myself. I am just irritated at everything. I feel anxious and out of control. I do not feel anything in my body, so that makes me nervous. Then I feel something in my body, so that makes me nervous. Today after going on a nice walk to the beach, having a nice lunch, and then shopping for groceries, my husband seemed irritated at me. at least that was what I perceived. He said, he thought I needed a nap. Lets just get something straight. I have not taken a nap or needed a nap in the middle of the day since I was maybe 15. I have just always had lots of energy and too busy to take a nap. Well I am not sure what happened but I started arguing with my husband about who knows what and he argued back and snapped at me. I started crying and then I just exploded. I started crying hysterically. I ran into my room and tried to calm myself down. I put on my earphones and  listened to a meditation from circle+bloom. before I knew it, I was sound  asleep. I woke up an hour later, feeling refreshed and not so sad.

I woke up to the the smell of spices and vegetable soup. I walked into the kitchen and there he was just finishing up the soup. I hugged him, grabbed a bowl of soup and I felt so much better.

I have to say, I am an emotional wreck. Happy one minute and then about to cry and yell at my husband the next. Seriously I am going to need to get a handle on this. In the mean time I am going to eat all this Delicious soup!

OH and other good news: I am less constipated! YAYAYAY! You have no idea..oh wait..you probably do! If you have ever been pregnant or taking any kind of  progesterone, you know how painful and agonizing it is to have your digestion slow down. I have been burping not stop. I finally feel like my belly is not hard and bloated. It is a great feeling!!!  Here is what I learned: be careful..do not drink too much prune juice..not fun! And the coconut water is okay, but most of all it gave me a lot of gas.

Oh...I framed my two embryos. Here they are: 3 day transfer. 8 cell grade 2!

magic!!!

Transfer Done!

Alright..here we go. I did my transfer. The doctor informed us that we had four embryos. Two of them were cell 8 grade 2. He said the best chance of pregnancy is to put them both inside. So, we did. It was beautiful. I had my mom and husband there watching the whole thing. It was beautiful and painless. I was on Valium so, I was super relaxed. I like valium. Anyways, kind of spacey and tired. I think I am just going to relax and take a nap.
I hope you all are doing well.

First PIO shot!

Okay..warning all: TMI. If you are eating, read this later:)  

well..let me first tell you about my PIO experience and then the whole TMI silliness..well..embarrassment.

I iced my back side for around 3 minutes
While I iced, my husband warmed the needle with the progesterone under his armpit.
then we went into the bathroom and I stood against the wall, leaning on one leg.
My husband started darting with the needle, and I said wait!!
way too scary. I took the needle and for a moment got completely freaked out.
then I took a deep breath and darted it in and slowly moved it in( Not Painful!..at all!!..thank you ice for numbing!!)
then my husband injected..all was good..no blood..there was some resistant..and then he pulled the needle out
I was shocked..no pain at all.
I then lied down on my stomach, as he massaged and then put the heating pad on. Each for two minutes.
then we walked around the house again. Still no pain.
weird right! hmm..I was expecting, screaming, and crying, maybe a little fainting.
nothing.
then .....ten minutes later..a little sore and tightness. But really doable. it really was.
I wonder if it hurts the more you do it. Not sure..just so happy it was not painful:)


The below is the before hand. The crisis before.


I have been worrying about the PIO shot all day. My husband was coming home at 5pm. I was going to go for  walk with my friend at 6pm and I was going to take the shot at about 7:30pm.  Did not happen that way.

Here is what happened. At about 11am I had cramps and more cramps. I thought it was just that I had to go to the bathroom. Well, nothing happened, so I took a metamucil packet. 2 hours later nothing happened, so I took another packet of Metamucil. The box said you can take three a day. So by 4pm, nothing happened, so I took one more packet. Okay..here is when I started to get a little dramatic.

At 5pm, I started having shooting pains in my lower abdomen and and lower back.. I was having major gastric pains. So bad, I was in the fetal position screaming. I called my husband and asked him to get prune juice or whatever to get me to stop the pain of the worst case of constipation I have ever had. It must have been the mixture of being pretty much constipated throughout the whole stim weeks, the vicoden after the retrieval, and then not moving around for three days recovering from the retrieval.

here is the embarrassing part: my friend did not get the message that I was not feeling up to the walk, so when she came I had to have her leave because any minute I would be running to the bathroom, or screaming in pain. Also, my dad was just being nice and called to see how I was doing in the middle of a pretty painful cramp.  I scared him. I said I would call him back. Then two minutes later my mom called and gets all panicked.  I said I would have to call her back and I was fine. My mom then calls my husband 15 minutes later asking if we are on our way to the hospital.  I have them all worried about me because I have to go number 2!

ahhh..with that said..my husband was great. He came home and made me drink two glasses of lemon water with honey, and gaterade and water.  Then he made me march around the house. I was in so much pain, but the fact that my husband was marching in front of me, shouting left right left right,, made me almost pee myself a couple times from laughing so hard.

I hope you all are laughing from reading this. I find is hilarious and very humbling to say the least!

Hugs

Transfer is Friday!

Out of my seven eggs, 6 were mature. Out of six mature eggs, they fertilized 4!! I am so very very excited!! My transfer day is Friday at 10:15am. The clinic decided on a three day transfer. Do not ask me why. Maybe they will tell us more about it on Friday. I called my husband right away. I was trying to hold back the tears, but it was not controllable. I told him and he was so excited. we both cried a little bit. I then called my mom, and she cried. I called my best friend, and she cried. It has been a crying fest!! Oh boy....I hope it is a boy too. At first I really wanted a little girl. a little girl that looks like me, walks and talks like me. It sounds so precious and fun. But, I want  a boy just as bad. My husband and him can really bond and he would be momma's boy. But I would have him strong and independent as well. I just want a baby to call my own and hold and love. okay..got to stop or I will start the waterworks again.

what I fear: because I am always fearing something with this IVF rollercoaster.
1) I start the progesterone shots tomorrow. This needle is long! and I hear they give you a Charlie horse
2) I have to drink a lot of water an hour before my transfer. and then they have to put pressure on my stomach..for some reason I do not really understand. I fear peeing all over the place. That would not be fun. The nurse said maybe just drink one to two cups 1/2 hour before. I will see how full my bladder gets with one cup of water tomorrow to see how much and how long I need to have a full bladder.
3) one embryo or two? I believe i am set for one. I will be okay with that.

but overall, I feel so happy my babies are growing right now.

Done with Retrieval

As I sit here on my couch, staring out at the ocean, I am so relieved the hardest part is over. I did it.  Did the retrieval. This will be a short post, because I am in a little pain, and very tired. I went into the clinic with my mom and husband. They are my biggest cheerleaders. I was surprised when my mom really wanted to be there for me for the retrieval and transfer. She has been cooking for me all week. She is so sweet:) Love her so much. My husband has been real supportive and excited to finally do something actually in a physical way during this IVF. He was happy( hehehe) to do his business and give the embryologists his part of our future babies.

Here's my experience with my Retrieval. I go in and the first phlebonomist  tried to get a vein in my hand. Nothing. And let me tell you, it hurt. But no fainting. The second phlebotomist comes over about 20 minutes later. At this point, I am a nervous wreck. I am shaking. seriously. I am so embarrassed to write this, but yes. My legs are shaking and my teeth are shattering. I am pretty sure, most women going through this have not had this reaction.  But yes, I am a worried women. I have even tried to calm myself with the circle+bloom cd. It was not really working. Okay..so the second phlebotomist comes over and tries my left arm. Nothing. Then tries my right arm. Nothing. Then tries my right hand, nothing. Now I am starting to get nervous. and in pain. But never did I faint!

At this point, I am completely shaking and I ask my mom and husband nicely to go into the waiting room because I just needed to breathe and have the ladies..all three of them( including the  anesthesia technician) do their job without others hovering over them. Finally they did it with a  two person team, plus with injecting my hand with a bee sting shot of something that numbed it( thank god!!)

Then they brought me into the room. There were 4 people in there. And I felt really embarrassed to be there with my legs open  with four strangers looking at my woohoo. But the medicine worked in minutes. Next thing I knew I was in the recovery room. How awesome is that!!! So happy!! Really girls, the retrieval is really not that bad, unless they can not find that vein!

So I took my time, three hours and all.

Here are the results. I had 22 follicles, and 7 eggs came out. The doctors and myself felt really let down. We were all expecting at least 11. I am so nervous. What if none of them fertilize. I do not find out until tomorrow. I have expressed I am nervous a couple times. The doctor said, it is not the quantity, it is the quality. So...I am trying to be positive.

I am praying and trying to keep positive and waiting patiently until the call tomorrow afternoon.

Hcg Trigger Update

Just want to write a little about my trigger experience. I read from Melissa's,the Stirrup Queen's book, Navigating the Land of If,a little before I triggered.. She has really helped me in so many ways during my infertility experience. Anyways, she wrote about trigger shots sting being medium to high. Here is my experience with the HCG trigger injection. I put the needle in and injected the liquid into my body. Nothing. I felt no pain what so ever. Then about a minute in, I  had to lay down. What it felt like was a little burn and pulling. It was not painful, just felt real strange. Also, the place of injection is sensitive that night and today still. So be gentle in that area. I want to warn you, I am sensitive, well..more sensitive than most in my opinion. I faint often during blood draws, so I work myself up. It was not painful, just be aware you may want to lay down, and let the medicine do its job. I did a meditation from circle + bloom for the trigger shot beforehand. I love this program. The meditations really helps you relax and reflect on how you are feeling through each stage of IVF or IUI. Anyways, not painful...but you may want to lay down afterwards and think of the medicine as a glowing light soothing and do it's magic in your ovaries and that this medicine is helping our eggs and follicles to do what they are suppose to do.

Roller Coasters, Triggers, and Awards!

Yayayayayayyayaya!!! Estradiol level is at 2231. My retrieval is on Tuesday at 9:30am!! My trigger shot is at 9:30pm tonight. Is this painful? I am a little nervous, but mostly so excited. AHHHH!!! I want this baby so much! I want this baby maybe too much. I get scared and start weeping because I fear the negative. I just keep telling myself to be grateful for the science and medicine that is helping me achieve this family I have wanted since I was a child. And...I so want to create a family and child for my husband and parents. I want to be able share the joys of watching my child with their grandparents. I feel I may just die inside if I do not get to share this joy. Baby or not, I am so grateful that I had the resources financially to do this. A lot of other couples have to wait years to be able pay for such a procedure without insurance. And when I feel sad for myself..I think..:
IT COULD BE WORSE!

It really could be.

I have a husband that loves me till death do us part. He loves me with all my faults. He is patient and well..he is so wonderful and helpful. My parents care about me and friends and bloggers rooting for me. I love this life of mine, pain and all. Again...I have to say how much I appreciate all your comments and encouragements. I am so grateful for this blogging community. Some of you have really inspired me. There are funny bloggers that have had me laugh so hard and have cheered me up on a raining or stormy day. There are some bloggers that I can relate with so much, I feel like if I met them, we would instantly become best friends. Then there are the bloggers that give me strength.

These bloggers that give me strength by sharing their stories that make me shocked and bewildered at how much they have gone through and still have the strength to keep on keeping on.  When I have gone to their blogs for strength, I am reminded if they can do this, once, twice, three times..or even SIX times: then I can do this!



I am also happy with myself because I did not faint today or yesterday. Both blood tests were very uncomfortable, but I worked through the fear and pain and did not faint, thanks to a few tips from chinadoll. I can not express how happy and proud I am after a blood test when I don't faint. It is very close to a roller coaster. You wait in line and your stomach starts feeling all bubbly and your mouth starts to dry. You feel like you have to pee. You try to drink some water, but it makes your feel nauseous. Then you get in the seat, and you know it is going to be scary. You start going on the ride, and your heart starts to go faster. It gets scary and at the top of the roller coaster, you know it is about to get real scary..and then...as you start to go..there is no where else to go but to let go!

Ahhh.letting go!!! This is the best feeling,because you know finally it is done. You can breath clear and with ease. You can comfortable drink or eat without feeling uncomfortable. This is the roller coaster of my IVF process.  This roller coaster of fear, pain, joy, and elation. Okay..this roller coaster of trigger is tonight. And then another roller coaster for the retrieval, transfer, and then PIO. It never really ends does it! :)


Thank you for my Award!! This has made my day!!!

Thank you Krissi, China doll, and Andrea
 Here is the award and fun details when you get the award:

Here's how it works:



Winners grab the image above and put it in your blog. Link back to the person who gave you it. Tell 10 things about yourself. Award 15 recently discovered bloggers. 
Contact the bloggers you have awarded to let them know they have won. 

I hate picking because really I am addicted to so many blogs..let's see..
1)http://tippyandtidy.blogspot.com/
2)http://ourfertility.blogspot.com/
3) http://ournewplana.blogspot.com/
4) http://manyadventuresofalex.blogspot.com/
5) http://justusandthecat.blogspot.com/
6) http://pollinationchronicles.blogspot.com/
7) http://macandpccache.blogspot.com/
8) http://marriedwithendo.blogspot.com/
9) http://cattiz.blogspot.com/
10)  http://hopefulforababy.blogspot.com/
11) http://daybydaymiracle.blogspot.com/
12) http://adventuresininfertilityland.blogspot.com/
13) http://uncommonnonsense1.blogspot.com/
14) http://thehardestquest.blogspot.com/
15) http://mommyfromivf.blogspot.com/

10 things about myself:
1)I secretly wish I could be a famous song writer
2) I love yams, especially with cinnamon and salt
3) my favorite time of the year is November
4) I used to be horribly addicted to facebook
5) my favorite place to visit is Maui
6) I dream of visiting Greece
7) I love fettuccine with Pesto sauce
8) When I was younger I only wore pink and purple( it stopped at age 10)
9) I am extremely close with my mom and best friend from junior high(we call each other or text each other every day)
10) When I drive in my car, I sing and dance.


please click on: http://www.whitneyanderick.com/?p=2759&utm_source=viral&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=ribbon

and get a great ribbon to from one of my favorite bloggers:)

Random thoughts from the fainter!

Got another blood test and U/S today. Yes, I fainted again. That really sucked, and I am disappointed, but I can not dwell on the failure of stopping myself from fainting. Because- well, I think it may be happening again, since I will have to get my blood test tomorrow again, and the next day and the next day. I am trying not to think how much that really is going to make me faint, and just be calm and relaxed. All the nurses and doctors know me now as the fainting girl. I hate it..I really do. But I am grateful the medicine has made my estrogen level 945, and my follies are growing. Most are around 11. One is 14, and one is 6. Not happy about the one that has 6 millimeters, but the doctor said that is normal. The doctor thought I need to come back everyday, since the follies may grow and estrogen level may spike. I appreciate the caution, but I really wish I did not have to get another blood test. I think it really is for the best though. The doctors know what they are doing.

At this stage, I am not sure if it is me, but I feel really bloated and gassy. The twinges and sharp pains are increasing. I am officially on vacation now, and I am so bored. I wish I could go somewhere or walk, but all I want to do is lie down and sleep. I am drinking so much water, it really is best that I am in my house close to the bathroom. I hate that I have such a small bladder.seriously, if I take 5 sips, within 15 minutes, I have to go to the bathroom. Embarrassing.

Anyways,

I am in a little of a daze..and real spacey. This post was kind of a random vent. 

I hope you all are having a wonderful weekend:) and are feeling good.

go follies go!!! 2, 4, 6, 8 who do we appreciate!!  You know I really appreciate my friends, family, husband, my doctors, and all you bloggers who comment and make this experience so much more easier and like I am not doing it alone. I can not imagine going through this without the support of all of you. Even if you do not comment, I know someone is witnessing what I am going through and I am not alone.

oh..one more random thought that swirls in my mind:

do any of you feel kind of spacey and high after you give yourself the stim shots. I have to lie down for a few minutes. It kind of feels painful too.

I'll be back, but I got to go pee! :)

No fainting: just overflow of emotions!

I got my blood test today and there was no fainting. The women was a little harsh and tied the rope around my arm a little tight, but she did a great job and did not create a burn. I was very relieved I did not faint. That is never a  fun event. I also got my ultra sound and found out my follicles have grown from under 6 to over 6-8. I am not sure what it all means, but the nurse said that they are looking good and all growing at the same rate. So, I will take that as a good sign. My test result came back and my estrogen level is at 235. My next appointment is this Friday. I am very excited about this part of my journey.

As for my cat, I found a loving home one floor above mine. So, I can go and visit as much as possible. Ozzy was very mad. I had him sleep over and well, I went over the next day(today) and he was hiding behind the toilet. Very sad:(
I got him to come out and he became warm and loving. I caressed him and pet him and then we took a stroll around the house and I brought him to his food. He ate a little. He was very hungry. after about 30 minutes, he started getting agitated and hissed at his new owner. Ten minutes later, he hissed at me and almost scratched me. This new owner is very patient and understands this is normal. I am very thankful I found such a cat loving patient man. Also, this man is working from home, so Ozzy will have company all day. I will keep you posted in Ozzy's progress. I am going to see him tonight again. I hope he is more calm tonight.

As for my progress, I am very depressed. I miss my cat cuddling with me at night and when I am on my couch, he would be sitting on my lap and purring against my chest. I miss his soft fur warming me and cuddling with me. Tonight my husband and I got in a fight. It was a stupid fight. But what I have learned is, when we get in a big fight about something not so big, he eventually opens up. We finally slowed down in our fight and apologized to each other..and we started talking about other things. I had mentioned to him that I thought I was getting delusional because last night I woke up in the middle of the night and thought I heard his bell. My husband said, he heard the same thing. He then teared up a little. Oh, and then we both cried. This is like grieving a child. He is our child. I miss him, but I am so grateful he is just upstairs and we could go and visit. But in a way, it makes it hard as well. This new owner gets to cherish and cuddle, and love and be loved by our awesome little Ozzy. He is so wonderful and loving.

  okay..enough about my cat..I need to stop crying because I am going to get dehydrated!! :)

I was watching Oprah this morning and was amazed with this one story. A couple tried to have a child. They did their first IVF cycle and at five months, the babies(twins) were born prematurley and were stillborn. The second IVF cycle did not work sadly. aAnd then the impossible happened. The women's 61 year old mother wrote them a later telling them how much she loved them and how she wanted to help: by being a surrogate for them. I was shocked watching this show, this women gave birth to her grandson. What a loving gesture. That couple is so lucky. I love my mom and she has been so helpful in this whole process, but it takes a special person to have give birth to three daughters in her earlier life, retire, and after ten years of menopause, have a child for your daughter. Amazing...beautiful, really. I had thoughts while watching it thinking, I could ask my mom. But she is just going to laugh at me and say, are you serious?

anyways, I am such a mess tonight. double whammy with a surge of hormones and then grieving a warm fur baby!

I will keep you posted and I hope to be a little bit more cheery and brighter the next time

hugs to all