One crazy week!!

So much has happened in the last week. I want to Thank all the comments this week. Thanks to the Queen of stirrups for creating a community full of love, warmth, and support. I have read so many inspiring blogs. Congrats to many of you on your success of achieving a BFP! And those who have received the unthinkable..I am here for you. It must be very hard right now..and I hope you are all taking good care of your selves. As for me..it is a waiting game. I wait...for my first appointment, I am going today to get a blood test..for lots of tests. Oh you know the usual 6 vile blood review. hahahha--I hate needles...it is torture I tell you! I am going to get a massage before I get the test done.  Sometimes I faint. I am so frustrated with this part of me. I just have to breathe slowly and realize...it will all be okay. Lately I have been really into watching The cupcake girls. Lori, one of the main characters of this reality show, shows her IVF experience. As I watched the show, I felt so validated with my fear, frustration, and hardship. I do not think anyone can truly understand what we are going through until someone has walked in our shoes.  I had a pretty bad jealousy bout this weekend. I tend to have them more often these days. I called one of my longtime friends, a friend of 15 years. We have been out of touch (as for a deep connection) in the last 3 years. I still have been hanging on for loyalty..and in hopes that we will connect again. I get sad thinking about how friendships often get lost within years of distance  and proximity. I hate letting go. This friend and I talk every other month( for about 10 to 15 minutes) and now our connection is through facebook..saying hello. I was so offended that she wished me a Merry Christmas through facebook. I was more offended because for 15 years we have spent it together. I have found facebook at times distances us for deeper relationships. This friend also forgot my birthday. I am really frustrated with the whole thing. But the point of brining this up leads me to explain the conversation I had with her this weekend. For the last 15 years she has said she does not want children. She has always stood by the fact that she does not like kids. So here is the background, everything I do, she wants to do. According to my husband, he has said I act really different around her. It is as though we try to compete and one up each other. I hate to acknowledge that I am this person. He said we met when we were in college and that was the nature of our relationship. So I am dealing with the reality that I have been very competitive and vain in this relationship. Now..I have been struggling with infertility and my family and friends, except this one, has been there for me so patiently and warmly. well, I call her and the first thing she asks is, are you pregnant yet? This pisses me off because I told her we are infertile. I want to scream when I hear her ask me such a stupid question. Then I tell her the procedure and the cost and the stress I am going through. She says...not oh I am so sorry, or I will be there for you. She says, " don't talk about babies, now My husband and I are trying. all he talks about now is kids." Okay...this really really really irks me! I am trying to wrap my mind around it. I called a very good friend who is not competitive and is just a good friend. She has many good friends and I have known her since I was 13. She said...two things...the main one was you are jealous and she would be as well. She also said...(what woke me up) "you bringing up your journey of having children made her think about her life and she changed her mind, which she has a right to do." Yes..she has a right to change her mind. I am trying to let that soak in, but I just think to myself, I decided to get my degree in Psychology, and then so did she. I tell her I am getting something, and she has to get it, but bigger or better. I really do not have time or patience for a friend like this.  There is a good friend of mine who for three years we often talk about the joys of parenthood and how we both can't wait to be moms.. She is trying and I can not wait to hear she is pregnant. I just feel, ( and it may be completely irrational) but I just feel this is a real low blow. My husband did not understand..but  I do think he understood when his own father who has not talked to him in 15 years tells him he and his girlfriend would like us to be the godparents of his child. Yes...I am not joking or making this up! Who could make this kind of crazy stuff up!!! We have finally contacted him and my husband and his father are actually communicating through emails.  Last month we revealed our infertility issues, and right before saying Merry Christmas, he pops the insane questions about us being godparents.  Yes...my best friend pops up saying she is trying and my husband's father who is 60 is telling us he is having a girl. It has been a crazy week. I hope this week goes a little more smoother.

It is so hard

I find music to be so healing

Celebrities who speak out about infertility

Infertility issues with celebrities.
Jamie Lee Curtis and her husband, Christopher Guest adopted their children after realizing that
infertility prevented them from conceiving. Jamie has written a book, Tell Me Again About The Night
I Was Born. The book was "written to let children who joined their families through adoption know
that their own birth stories were exciting, too".



Cindy Margolis:Supermodel/actress discusses her struggle with infertility and her desire to have a
baby.  She had her first child, Nicholas through IVF/GIFT in 2002.  Her two daughters, Sabrina and
Sierra were born prematurely by a surrogate on July 17, 2005. VH1 ran a special highlighting Cindy's
career and struggle with infertility. Cindy recently published a guide about navigating infertility
diagnosis and treatment.

This website is really great...lots of good info on movies and media shedding light on Infertility.

In The Circle game

And the seasons they go round and round
And the painted ponies go up and down
We're captive on the carousel of time
We can't return we can only look
Behind from where we came
And go round and round and round
In the circle game
by Joni Mitchell

I have always loved this song. When I was younger..we sang it at camp. We would all be dancing and circling and it just felt so free. I remember- I was free. I had no worries. Life was full of possibilities and I dreamed big. I never new this song would really mean something to me when I was older. I love this song..it reminds me of that childlike innocense. The way a child believes in themselves and there is an optimism than is unbreakable. I listen to this song to gain courage. The child in me gives me strength. Being an adult..life gets so hard.I was driving home tonight and I realized one reason why I get so sad after being with my Niece and why I was dreading going to a birthday party full of happy kids and parents. I was thinking how happy I was holding my niece. She is so happy and fullfilled. Her parents have a glow in their eyes and all the parents were so proud of their kids. When I was there holding her...it was in  that moment that I felt happy. As I drove home, I felt lonely, empty. Trying not to tear up, but this is why I am not happy. I am not fulfilled without having a child and playing and teaching my child the ways and meaning of life. I was talking with my mom and she was telling me how she talked to my Aunt, who just rushed across the county to meet her new grandaughter. As tears were going down my mom's face, she talked about her conversation with my aunt and how they cried together with tears of joy. They are so happy to my grandmothers. I am so happy for my Aunt..but right then and there..I almost lost it..tears..of sadness. Guilty I could not give that kind of joy to my mother, myself, or my husband. I immediately..became sick. My immune system must be weak..because in moments I started sneezing and I caught a cold. I went home 2 hours later..I became even more sick. I have been nervous about my Saline Sonogram, but now that I am sick..it is going to be even more uncomfortable.  I know I have to be positive..but I feel like  life is a rollercoaster..and it is going too fast. I thought it would slow down, but I made the mistake of watching Giuliana and Bill. They tried for their second cycle of IVF. It failed. I feel so bad for them. Giuliana is representing so many women who have struggled with IVF and miscarriages. Bill is so positive. I loved the way they ended their season. They told each other how much they love each other and their life together. Part of me thinks..I could not survive without children. I have always dreamed of having children..but..whatever happens I am truly in love with my husband and I will deal with whatever comes my way.  I hope you are all keeping warm and healthy.
Thank you for all the comments lately..I love that I am being comforted and I get to comfort any of you going through the same struggles. It means more than anything to me to be understood and heard.

I Just Realized Why I could be having a Mini Breakdown

Image via WikipediaI just realized why I may be having a mini Break down. I am not sleeping and I am crying and getting really  nervous when I hear unsuccessful IVF stories. My brother's baby's birthday is this Sunday. Just another reminder that I am not in the in crowd. Everybody is going to be either asking me, when are you going to pop out a a baby, or there will be silence. I really am not looking forward to this. My Aunt and Uncle will be raving about their first grandchild as well. I can just hear it now, my mom making a speech or telling her sister, "oh, it is the greatest thing being a grandmother" and thanking my brother and his wife for bringing her so much happiness. I feel like calling in sick, but I can't. I love that little girl. She is the best..she is a bundle of Joy! But of course the decorations alone are my childhood. I was a big fan of Strawberry shortcake. and guess what  they picked for decorations. Yes..Strawberry shortcake. You know, part of the joy of having kids is, you get to relive your childhood through them. I have always said I wanted my little girl to enjoy my childhood favorites like Hello Kitty, strawberry shortcake, my little pony. And if I could find her, rainbow brite. I am feeling a lot of sadness right now. Maybe I should just get some sleep and tomorrow will be brighter.

American health Care System Sucks!

I have to vent. I can not believe our health care system in America. They say we are fighting for freedom! Well, isn't it our freedom to have a child. I would think so. But no...it cost $30,000 for one cyle of IVF, meds, and blood work and crazy uncomfortable sonograms, and such! Each doctor's appointment is 3-400 dollars! Are you freakin kidding me!!! Oh- and then if you miscarry..oh no- you have to pay another $15,ooo. This drives me mad! I am going into my first IVF appointment in January, but this frightens me. I am going to go through months of torture and mood swings. What if I miscarry. I am crying with fear this is going to happen. everyone is telling me, you have to keep positive, this is not going to happen to you. Okay- really...how can you predict this. And how can doctors charge for a second, third, or fourth time. It seems immoral. I am wondering if this is some sort of conspiracy. Is it just me or does it seems like some of these places are just a business. They are making a lot of money..and we are their guinney pigs! Okay- I am just a little dramatic right now. But trust me, I was way more out of control a few hours ago. I spoke to this sweet women who is in the same position as all of us. She tried the Ivf procedure, she was successful, and then a miscarriage. And now she can not afford the second cycle. This is not fair! I cried for an hour after hearing this! I was going to workout at the gym, but I was crying hysterically. So then I ran up and down in the rain. I was hysterically crying. This hurts too much. This is such a crazy roller coaster. I am just so sad this woman can not afford to try for another cycle. Life just isn't fair:(

book list of Infertility

I am so excited! I found online( blogging) 3 books on Infertility.
1) Navigating the Land of If ( from my favorite blog- ), by Melissa Ford
2) Tear soup, by PAt Schweibert
3) Water from the Rock, by Sylvia R. Frey
4) well- maybe this is moving to fast- but on another great blog I was reading 
http://infertilitydoula.blogspot.com/2010/04/it-takes-village.html#comment-form
she found a book for mother and fathers who were successful with IVF a book to explain to their child called,
I Can't wait to Meet You, by Claudia Bates.

have any of you read the above?

WHAT NOT TO SAY TO INFERTILE COUPLES

 

1) DON'T WORRY, YOU CAN ALWAYS ADOPT
2) STOP STRESSING- YOU NEED TO RELAX
3) YOU NEED TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR HUSBAND EVERY NIGHT
4) EAT  LOTS OF ASPARAGUS
5) MEDITATE
6) GET DRUNK
7) DON'T GET DRUNK
8) HAVE SEX IN THE MORNING
9) STOP EATING MEAT
10) HAVE SEX EVERY TWO DAYS
11) HAVE SEX EVERY THREE DAYS
12) FEED YOUR HUSBAND PINEAPPLE AND CANTALOUP
13) IT WILL HAPPEN WHEN YOU STOP TRYING SO HARD


I am sure you have  heard it all. My family and friends have good intentions...but some of their comments have pushed me away. I have also found it hurtful when my mother says, " being a grandmother makes it all worth it" while she holds my brother's 12 month old daughter. Sometimes I feel worse when I see my niece. I actually love spending time with her because she is so cute and fun. She is so much in the moment and really she helps me enjoy just hanging out and laughing. I love spoiling her and buying her cute clothes. But when I drive home, I tear up. I want my own daughter. I want to hold her in my arms and have her look in my eyes and smile. I want to hear her call me momma. Since my husband and I are infertile, I have noticed pity looks from my family and extended family. That really annoys me. I know they care, but I really don't like being looked at as a hurt dog. I try to play it off, but it makes me feel really uncomfortable. I wonder how any of you deal with it. I finally told my dad that we were infertile and would have to do IVF. I had a gut feeling not to tell my dad and of our frustrations or sadness during this year of trying to conceive. My gut was right. He is not a very compassionate father. You know what he said? he said, " oh, okay, well don't become the next octomom." As he laughed, I just practiced my deep breathing. I guess he just does not take anything seriously and really is self absorbed. Who was I kidding that he would actually be sweet and comforting. He has never been that kind of father. But although I know he is not that kind of father, I still deserve a father that is comforting and supportive. I was angry for a minute, but I am over it. I have a wonderful husband, my mom is warm and supportive. This women called and checks on me every morning. Who could ask for a better friend and mom.

First IVF appointment Jan 10th 2011

IVF with ICSI! It is official- UCSF is our choice. This was an easy decision. My sister in law was successful there, the doctors care about their patients and not only about money, and the location is nearby. So, now I am just getting all the tests done. And there are a lot. But Kaiser has been great.  I am going for a saline sonogram next week. I am a little worried about it because I heard from some that it is painful. I do not deal with pain very well, so my mom got me some meditation cds. I started today. I have to say that I felt really relaxed and more alert after 15 minutes of a guided meditation. I do not meditate and I thought it would be really boring and hard, but it was pretty easy. I have been struggling for a year with my husband to conceive and there have been many fights between us, but since we decided  on a place and our first appointment is Jan 10th, I have been more calm and I feel more in control. I was acting like a crazy person. Crying one minute, yelling the next. My poor husband and friends. I really want  to let those who have commented know, it feels great to have a community. There are so many of you who are going through the same thing, and I feel truly honored to hear about your stories and to comfort each other during such a painful and scary time.  Please keep me posted on how you all are doing.
take care

PINK OR BLUE?

THIS IS NOT THE TYPICAL QUESTION ABOUT PINK OR BLUE!!
I am talking about the dreaded LH pee tests

 Pink(first response) or blue (clearblue)
   let me get this out....I HATE CLEARBLUE.....WITH A PASSION!!!

It is so touchy. If you pee too much or too little, move it wrong..it shows nothing. I have wasted months with clearblue. And the strange thing is Kaiser- my health care facility refers it. I would love to hear other people's experience. Which do you prefer..PINK OR BLUE?

THE BEST BLOG ABOUT INFERTILITY ISSUES

If you have a question- any kind of question with infertility or trying to conceive, this website has all the answers. http://www.stirrup-queens.com
I am going to start giving credit where credit is do. I have been struggling with trying to conceive and now Jan 10th 2011 I will start my IVF hormone first appointment. When my husband and I first started  trying to conceive ..and the challenges just kept adding up, I turned to the internet for help. There are so many great websites and blogs about ways to conceive, and people's stories. Out of all the websites, I found this website to be the best as for informative and it almost like it is an organized online book and resource for any issue imaginable while trying to conceive or going through any kind of reproductive challenge or procedure. Please check out this blog...I have found it to be my reproductive bible. There are funny stories as well. And there is a huge community.

POEM OF HOPE

Don't Quit
Author believed to be Rev Wade Watts

When things go wrong, as they sometimes will,
When the road your trudging seems all uphill,
When the funds are low and the debts are high,
And you want to smile, but you have to sigh,
When care is pressing you down a bit
Rest if you must, but don't you quit.

Life is queer with its twists and its turns,
As everyone of us sometimes learns,
And many a failure turns about
When they might have won, had they stuck it out.
Don't give up though the pace seems slow,
You may succeed with another blow.

Often the struggler has given up
When he might have captured the victors cup;
And he learned too late when the night came down,
How close he was to the golden crown.

Success is failure turned inside out
The silver tint of the clouds of doubt
And you never can tell how close you are,
It may be near when it seems so far;
So stick to the fight when your hardest hit,
It's when things seem worst that you mustn't quit!

Lisa Ling Talks About Her Miscarriage - The View

this issue of miscarriage and ivf is becoming more popular. The website Lisa LIng has created helps women unite and not feel alone with their secrets and pain.
www.secretsocietyofwomen.com

mother's journey (yann Tiersen)