New blogging friends!

I am so thrilled  reading my blog comments:) Thank you Melissa, the Stirrup Queen, for creating this community of support. I am so excited to start reading all these new blogs from my new commenters. I am so excited to follow my regular bloggers who are now getting so close to their BFP.  One blog I am really excited to read is,
 http://jjiraffe.wordpress.com- 
It is a blog about finding the joy everyday. That got me motivated to find the joy in my life as well. The year 2010 was so hard with my infertility journey. I feel and have felt so out of control, that when I went to las Vegas, I realized how stressed out I have been. I really needed this time away from everything. I was working, but I was away from the internet, my home( all the fertility dolls, the papers of bills and appointment to doctors, and just out of my environment) It felt really freeing. I was so distracted with work, I rarely thought about how I am infertile, except for the time when  I would see pregnant women walking by, or hear my mom talk about how happy she is that she is a grandmother( with my brother's little girl)...to every..body!! But anyways...I am starting a new blog  that is child free! I am a little hesitant about saying child-free because I do not want it to sound rude or that I do not want women who are mothers there. I just want a place..a community to go to that is not about children or infertility as well. I want to emphasize that I love my niece and nephews, and I can not wait to brag about having children. I love seeing all my friend's children and I love this community as well. But I also want a place where I can be just me..and not worry about being triggered either way about  the inevitable shots I will have to take or feel jealous when I see all the beautiful bonding between mother and child! 


So, give me a little time...but I want to get to know all my knew followers and again, I appreciate all the comments and support. I am also very thrilled others like country:) 


Hugs!!:) I hope all of you who are in your 2ww are keeping busy and all of you who are going through the rollercoaster of pain and shots are taking special care of yourself. I am here for you...
I am also available through email: mariyamitr@gmail.com

Hello bloggers

After many doctor appointments, blood work, SA, Sonograms, biopsies, and of course, peeing on sticks, fertility dolls, trying and unsuccessfully meditating, praying, and finally finding the reason why my husband and I are not fertile, we are heading on our Journey with  IVF ICSI.  Here we go!! Hold on tight!!!

So here I wait for my next period to start..sometime February 10. I have never in my life been excited to get my period. But yes...I am counting down the days..19 more days. WOW! Writing that down just made it so much more real. breathing..give me a minute.!!

Okay..almost crying here..yep the tears are here! Damn it. This has been such a hard journey. I feel like I have been trying to keep my head afloat this whole time. I try not to be so dramatic, but this has been hard on me, on my relationship with my husband, with trying to keep professional at work, and painfully losing my control with my body in doctor's offices. Again, I have to give credit where credit is due. Thanks to this blog world. So many of you help me feel so not alone. Some of you...well a lot of you have given me strength.

I do not want to leave this post with just this.Ii want to say also that I have the most wonderful, patient husband. without him..I would be  even more of a hot mess. In 2010 we found out we were infertile. It was a tough year with lots of fights. But when we look back..yes..we will think of the hard times. But with the hard times, there were many good times, like our trip to Maui where we snorkeled and read our favorite books on the sandy beaches,and ate lots of pineapple and fish, and drank coconut pina colodas! We also went to Yosemite and South Lake Tahoe. So we had some really amazing times..but within that time..were so dark times. Through this challenge in our life..I am learning to find a balance in life. And I know I am learning and growing as a person through this hard situation. 

I look forward to commenting on many of your blogs and sharing my story with you. 

As the Stirrup Queen says, "Blogging is a conversation and comments should be honoured and encouraged. I like to say that comments are the new hug–a way of saying hello, giving comfort, leaving congratulations."

actually..I would love to know about you...so if you want please have fun answering some questions...


1) What is your story..do you have kids, still trying, what stage of Art(Assisted reproductive technology) are you in?


2) What is your blog about if you have one? and the name?


3) What are you doing to make yourself happy right now..hobbies, family, friends, tv shows?


4) What are you listening to in your car lately?

Need to vent

Since I am not on facebook anymore...I need to vent my daily struggles. I use to vent to facebook...I know..strange right? Anyhow..here goes. Kaiser..my hmo in California has really been driving me up the wazoo!!  As most of you  know, before you start IVF, there are a just about a billion blood tests that you have to be tested for. Well, for the last two to three months..I have been going into the lab to see my favorite phlebotomist Elena. Elena is great..in fact. I talk about her to all my friends like she is my friend. after I leave, I thank her and tell her how grateful I am to have found her. Before Elena, I would have the worst experience getting my blood drawn. They would miss my vein, or lose it as they were in..and so forth. I do not want to affect the faint of heart here. It is pretty gruesome what details I can reveal when it comes to my challenges with blood draws! But the vent I have today is the actually about people who organize the blood draws, before I see the phlebonomist. Bottom line, I found out yesterday, that I had to take the blood test twice because they were so unorganized. It got so bad..I called three different departments, and each one gave me different answers. I got so exhausted after the fifth hour of calling and having to fight to get some sort of conclusion and clarity..I had to call Memeber services. So, this morning, I get a call....and you can bet I had a mouthful to complain about. They said their sorries, and embarrassment how their staff are unorganized and clearly made more than one mistake. She then said that the whole lab department is in a meeting  about the problem and they are training the staff to do a better job. I am glad they are better equipping their staff, but I only wish I was not the one that had to take the brunt of their lack of training.

On another subject...friends. I have this friend. She has been my friend for 15 years. I am in so much pain about how our friendship has been lagging. The last three years it is full of bad situations and, jealousy, fights, silence, and bad vibes.  When is it time to say goodbye? 15 years is a long time to just call it quits. It is kind of like a marriage. I guess, when I read other blogs about their great friends, and growing old together and pushing their babies along side with their strollers, and when I read hallmark cards, ...I guess all the good times come rushing back. But really in reality, I do not respect her very much. I hate to say this, I feel guilty and mean saying it on a blog. But, she is so vain and all about money. I am just not that person. I am about family, friends, and just the simple things. If I call her, the first 20 minutes are just about her business and how she made this profit and how successful her husband and her are. Then she asks if I am pregnant. I say no..tell her some of the challenges I am having and then she says, gotta go. Is she really a friend anymore. NO. I can really say no. We have gone our own ways. We are living two very different paths. The only thing is, two people(friends) can live in different worlds and want and different dreams for different lives and still be friends..right? I guess I am a little lost without my best friend. The last time I wrote her a letter..stating my feelings, she got all defensive. we really haven't talked much. In November it was my birthday and she forgot it. She called three days later to  wish me a happy Thanksgiving and happy birthday. I said it was three days ago. She quickly defensively said well..I AM CALLING NOW...! Here is the reality, I have good friends that I love and cherish. I have three or four that I can call right now...and they know exactly what to say and they know every detail of my challenges and I know every detail of their life as well. We are all good friends and talk at least one a week about our feelings and so forth..we laugh, and know how to calm each other and make us laugh until we cry! I just really wish I had that kind of relationship with  my best friend. As you could tell, I feel very deeply about this subject and I am very torn and there are many facets to this difficult friendship. Have any of you been through something like this?

I am back

I am back..yes I have taken a little break from blogging. It has been a little rough for a while. I still feel like I am climbing up a mountain. Everyday so far has been a challenge. From blood tests, to fighting with my doctors for blood tests results, my husbands veins too small, getting money for IVF,  figuring out lots of things that are behind my knowledge. But I just want to say how appreciative and helpful your comments have been. I feel so blessed to have found this community. I do not know what I would do without you all. From the friends, moms,  moms to be, the experienced ones, the wise bloggers, the funny bloggers, the bloggers that are just about to go through their first, second, third, or even fourth cycle..or more, and the ones who have tried, lost, and then try again! You all..I admire you! Such strength and perseverance! I get so much strength from all of you.

A few things that are coming up for me. One of the blood tests showed my thyroid to be too high. I already take medicine for my hypothyroidism, but I guess it is not working. It is almost a 5..and UCSF wants it to be a 1. So I have been taking a higher dose for the last 5 days. I must say, I am much more chipper. I forgot how my thyroid level really does a number on my mood. I am much more relaxed. I am happy for that. As the number slowly goes to level one, I worry I will become too anxious. The number 1 for thyroid is pretty close to hyperthyroidism. We will see. Maybe it will help me lose a little more weight though.

Another issue is that I am depending on my mom to help me financially to pay for IVF. Lately, when we talk..it is not about feelings or how we are doing. It is about numbers and how much. I feel she has given me an attitude or a guilt trip. I know it is a lot of money..and I feel guilty that I am dependent on my mother to pay for such a hefty amount. But she offered, I took the offer..and now..the guilt is coming. But the guilt from me is already there..she has added to it with the attitude..like, " Thank you mom for helping me make a baby"
she says, yeah..aha..gotta go".  I do not know know about any of you, but that sounds like attitude, and now I feel like I owe her and have to apologize because whenever we talk , the subject comes up she says  it is really a lot of money. I tell her, fine, if it is creating a problem, then lets hold out or I can get a loan. The whole thing really makes me sad and sick to my stomach. I just wish I could do this naturally. I never thought making a baby would be putting my mom out financially. I feel so guilty.

On the upside, I am taking a break from Facebook. The whole facebook should be called babybook. It is really about everyone's babies! hahaha. That is at least what my husband says. he is so funny. I guess you had to be there. But haven't you noticed lately..at least for us 30 year olds. You go on facebook and everyone is showing their babies. I do love it..but only to a minimum. I am not judging them at all though..the babies are pretty cute. And you can betcha I am so going to show how cute my baby is once I get mine!!!

WELL...THAT IT IS FOR NOW...
looks like my next period in February around the 10th, I will starts the meds!!  I have never in my life looked forward to getting my period!! I am so excited to get my period!!!

Having a bad day!

I hate how grumpy I am right now. This is where I am. My friend, my very good friend I met about three years ago have been talking about how we want to start a family with our husbands. we have built a great friendship and we share with each other our stress at work, our challenges and fun adventures with our family and husbands. And then we talk about babies. We talk about how we were raised  and how we want to raise our children. I felt a bond with her more than anyone because she and I were on the same path..talking about trying to have a baby. For the last year, I have been trying actively and she has been waiting for the right time. In Novemer the last time I saw her, she said she was going to actively try with her husband in December. We emailed each other to meet up yesterday. I had a gut feeling that she was pregnant...she is! Yes....I try..and nothing! I take pee tests, buy a fertility doll, go on vacation, meditate, stop drinking, chart my every move. She tries for one month..and bam!!! Baby! When I heard I was sincerely happy...we screamed and hugged..talked about all the symptoms, baby showers, how she told her husband. It was a celebration! We had cake and Ice cream!  That was yesterday! This is today! I am down. really down. I have never felt so bitter in my life. I hate this side of me. I am not mad at her one bit. I am mad at life though. Why do I have to suFfer with needles and blood, and surgery,. and mood swings, and trigger shots..and fear of icsi side effects to my baby and over stimulation! I am soooooo pissed I could scream! Okay..the tears are coming..I have to control it..I am at work and need to go be professional in a few minutes. Every where I turn there are babies and baby car seats in cars..and pregnant women. Seriously..every where I go!!!!  I used to get solice on facebook..not anymore! Everyone is sharing their baby's first walk, how precious their baby is. When I read what I just wrote I feel sick to my stomach. A) because I hate what I am writing and B) I feel like I can not turn anywhere and I  see what I do not have. Sigh!.....I know tomorrow I hope will be better..this is just the rollercoaster of infertility. It will get better...I really do appreciate this community and the support I have received by your messages and just by reading your blogs...I do enjoy the excitement of all of you who are about to be pregnant or are pregnant...but at this moment..it just feels so overwhelming!

Dear Doctor ICE

Went to my first IVF appointment. Yay!! I am starting my hormone regime next month after I start my period.
I am not so excited with my doctor. The only way to vent about it was to write a letter to this horrible doctor. I would never send it..but I was able to get it out some way!


Dear Doctor ( DR ICE),
   Since it is our first time meeting and all...I will be polite. I will give you a second chance because I am a good person and I do realize that everyone is aloud a bad day. I am sure you are a very good doctor and have put in many years to work at UCSF and train the new interns in your facility. And I was recommended  to see you through my brother and sister-in-law who had a successful IVF process with you as their doctor. So, with that said, I have trust in you as a my doctor to help me achieve my life long dream of building a family with my husband. There are a few comments I will leave so we are clear, I was very unhappy with our first visit. First of all, in a first meeting, we did not appreciate you being late 30 minutes late. Seeing that my husband and I work, we took off early so we could meet with you The fact that this appointment cost $325...we would have expected you to be there...ON TIME. Not only were you not on time, but you sent in your intern that just started today.  Although he was very confused and nervous, he was very sweet so I will give him an A for effort. Not knowing  at the beginning he was an intern that had no experience, I would have never known..until we all entered the exam room when he performed the vaginal sonogram. Not Fun. But let me first vent about when we actually do meet you Dr. Ice.  So your Intern asks us questions and you are not even in the room for a good 15 minutes. He asked me a few questions, that are important to qualify and then he asked my husband why his sperm was so low and motility was not very efficient. My husband explains the reason why his sperm is so low is because his testicles did not descent on time, and his doctors waited too long and eventually had to do surgery..this is the reason. ( the reason why we are here for IVF).Then he asks us with all sincerity, what do you expect to get out of this first appointment. I say as blunt as possible.." well we want to do IVF ICSI." He says okay and says he will get the doctor. 10 minutes later  you come in and this is how you break the ice. .."hello I am your doctor...no handshake just sits downs and doesn't wait for a response and continues to ask in the rudest way..what have you two been up to the last 15 years?  My husband stays calm and says, "what do you mean, I  do not understand your questions."  You, Doctor Ice then say, "well,...(pause).. why is your sperm so low?"  My husband explains again how his testies did not descend and there was surgery. As he explains, the interns says, " woops, I forgot to mention that". Yeah...and you doctor Ice looked like you put your foot in your mouth! Yeah you did!!! Okay..so we let that slide. So then we are in the examining room. Not so fun for me to get a vaginal sonogram first day of my period. But luckily my husband was in the room, so I did not feel so alone. Okay a few complaints...while I went to the bathroom to empty my bladder, it would have been nice if you had some toilet paper in there. How much are we paying ...oh yeah..$30,000. ...can't you afford toilet paper?!! Okay..so I have my pants off..and the lights are off..the mood is set..feeling comfortable. I am looking at my doctor and then realize the intern is lubing the strobe like thing..I realize..Dr Ice..your not doing it..your intern of no experience is going to play inside my uterus! Shit !!! Shit Shit!!!  Okay okay...I took some good deep breaths, I look over at my husband who before the  appointment we got in a huge fight at work. Doors slamming me calling him an asshole, him saying I am not going to the appointment kind of fight. Okay..when I looked at his face, he just had all is forgiven I love you look. That was good. But still, I was not looking forward to this process of the appointment. Okay...I am lying there and it kind of hurts..I have had this done before..it never hurt before..just a little push and annoyance. So I let you know..this hurts a little. It was then that I realize, this guy has no idea what he is doing because you, Dr. Ice have to instruct and do every thing over that the intern is doing, making this process very very long and uncomfortable. Then the intern says...."that's a fibroid!" Yes your intern said with glee..that he found a fibroid. I hear you two both discussing how you don't think that is a fibroid and the intern is adamant he sees one. Then you two are checking your cell phones while you are pricking and prodding in my Uterus. I must say..this was an agonizing and humbling occasion to be had in front of my husband. Then I just can't take it any more and say in the most tiniest voice, " did I hear you say fibroid?". You say "I do not think there is one..we are checking. No, no there isn't one." Okay..a little sigh of relief and finally is it done. You two leave and I am left with my husband and we are seriously questioning if we made the right decision to have you as our doctor. Well...the rest of the visit was pretty quick you gave us an overview of the process and said a few encouraging things. But overall..you seemed like you two were annoyed and didn't want to be there. A few examples, when you berated one of you colleagues, and when you and your intern were frequently checking your phone texts messages. Seriously, there were so many unacceptable moments...I wanted to get up and walk out. So, with that said, I will give you another chance and keep in mind that you are a doctor, and not all great doctors have the best bed- side manners. Until we meet again.

Should I send this letter? no..I can't!

First Ivf appointment Tomorrow

So tomorrow is my first official appointment with the doctor at UCSF...the doctor who will help my husband and I through our first IVF cycle. I hope it is our first and only one. So Nervous about that. So..I have all my blood tests and sonograms, SA, and biopsy reports ready. I am going to get a  folder tomorrow and make it organized. I am feeling overwhelmed.

 First fear, the doctor will say..you are too overweight..you must lose weight before we start the IVF process. The last fertility doctor who does not perform IVF said my weight was pre pre diabetic. But he also said  it is important that the waist be smaller than the hips. Well I am okay with the ratio, but my weight has always been high..and I have lost 35 pounds  in 2010 and gained weight in muscle. I am no skinny minnie, but I am very healthy. okay..I hope he does not make my weight an issue..it is even more embarrassing when doctors mention how fat I am in front of my husband.

Second fear, pants are going to have to come off. I do not want this stranger violating me. I know it is his job..but I really really, really do not like strange men looking at my woo woo!

Third Fear, I am not going to understand anything they are talking about. They are going to be sitting there and I am going to be completely overwhelmed.

Fourth fear, The doctor will say they can't help us.

okay I know some of these are completely irrational. Do any of you have any advice on what I can ask..or any kind of advice to help prepare me?  

The Day After

Here I am the day after babysitting my niece who is One years old. She is such a fun little girl. I have just about the best times with her. The whole time we laugh we sing, and hug! She is my favorite little girl. I watched her be born. My brother and wife were kind enough and felt like they trusted me enough to be part of a such a beautiful and amazing experience. My sister-in-law was strong and determined and I gained so much respect for her that day and a half. It was actually my brother who I had to hold up, I am not sure he new what the heck was going on..He almost fainted a couple of times. But anyways, the point of the post, the day after babysittting my favorite little girl is always so hard. My husband and I always fight afterwards. He says I get grumpy and too emotional every time. I do not want to fight with him this time. I am going to make a conscious effort not too. I am going to go jogging after this post. So here are my feelings that are coming up...sadness. I am not sure how to express it..I am trying real hard to express myself..but I just cry. Has anyone else gone through this. I kind of need a way to look at this so I am not so emotional. I wonder if I could name it...it would be a little more not so powerful and all-consuming.

J Lo...I guess she is not a fan of IVF

Jennifer Lopez gave birth to fraternal twins in her late thirties, but told Elle magazine she conceived naturally and believes using in vitro fertilization techniques goes against the will of God. 

“I … believe in God and I have a lot of faith in that, so I just felt like you don’t mess with things like that,” she says in the February issue. “And I guess deep down I really felt like either this is not going to happen for me or it is. You know what I mean? And if it is, it will. And if it’s not, it’s not going to.” 



Okay-I have to say I have been on the internet a lot. My husband says I am a little obsessed. I am not!! alright!..maybe a little..but there is so much great and interesting articles and blogs...about everything. Anyways, I found my mind wanders towards different issues. Right now it is a little negative. Maybe because I am about to start IVf soon, I am feeling proud and defensive at the same time. What I find myself reading is this: people who are saying "you should not use IUI or IVF, you should adopt because it is better for the environment. I find it condescending and well rude. Then they bring up the religious part..that it is god's will why we are suffering. Yeah..maybe I am becoming too sensitive..but this bothers me..a lot.


It could be just my PMS talking..but this really has started to become more relevant in what I am reading. I never understood why people were so hush hush about infertility and iui and ivf.  I am starting to understand the taboo more now.



you know I think I am just going to keep positive and read from the Stirrups Queen blog...

http://www.stirrup-queens.com/2010/11/5-years-of-the-creme-de-la-creme/- all the best posts form 100's of blog about infertility, adoption and sorts...very excited!!

Making a list! Checking it Twice!

I cannot tell you how helpful lists are. I sat down with my husband last night and a huge bright light bulb went on!!! I have been real down in the dumps lately. Blood work( which went fine...I did not faint yay), saline sonograms ( which are  not very pleasant) infertility bills, and worry about shots, hormones and  fear of miscarriages..it can get pretty overwhelming in my head. But last night I asked my husband what were some of the big events in our life last year. When we stopped and looked at the list we were shocked. At first we said..nothing just went to the doctor. But then..after a little  struggling..we looked down at the page and realized in the year of 2010, we went to Yosemite, Hawaii, Lake Tahoe, Trinidad, and Fort Bragg. What???? We did all of that??? We were busy! I think this may have been the only way we survived this year. It is funny how we only remember the negative sometimes. I am going to write down a list of positive things more often..it really puts a perspective on things. I so want to be a mother, and this journey can be so dark and all-consuming, but in reality I really do enjoy my life.   Thank you Priya Kumar for your comment..it woke me up a little. 


It is so easy to fall into a negative path...


This journey through life can at times feel like a roller coaster. There are so many fast changes and low blows that at times, we need to just stop and honor the time to grieve. But there comes a time when you just can't go and lower. You have to rise..right? I am going now to write another list!! :)

Little Couple- Unstoppable

Awww!!! What a sweet couple! And what a appreciative helpful husband!!

Ben Harper - Lifeline

This song has touched me. Most of Ben Harper songs do. He is an amazing song writer..I may be his biggest fan. He sings from the heart...pure and raw emotion. There are not a lot of singers who so boldly walk that line. Bob Dylan was the last singer song writer that captured my true emotions. But, after seeing Dylan in concert, I lost so much respect. Harper on the other hand, seems to be even more moving when he performs. What I would do to see Harper in concert!! I am not sure why Harper specifically wrote this song, and how it  pertains in his life, but for me...it reflects my journey into TTC.
Here are a  few lines that have brought me to tears..


 "Life is much too short to sit and wonder


I don't want to wait a lifetime
Yours or mine, yours or mine
Can't you see me reaching for the lifeline?


You say that I misheard you but I think you misspoke

I hear you laugh so loudly while I patiently await the joke
It's hardest to listen to what we already should know"






reading these words may not be as powerful as listening to the pain, and heartache in Harper's voice, but the words are so powerful..I had to write them down.


It borders on issues for spirituality, relationship issues, as well as my own patience in my life. These are words I have begged and prayed about. I often feel  life is playing a joke...and I am the only one not laughing. I am not so much a religious person, but I have been caught asking for help. I often wonder if God is playing a cruel joke on me. The anger and jealousy that has come over me when I see pregnant women with their beautiful plump bellies walking by, and young teenagers with their little babies, and so many stories of couples who have seven kids and can not even support themselves. That is the bitter side of me, I do not like that side of me. The year 2011 is a fresh new year. I will work on patience and being happy with what is in front of me.


When Harper sings, "I don't want to wait a lifetime"...that is the best way to describe the year of 2010. This was the first year my husband and I tried making a family for ourselves. I never thought it would be so hard. But in the background I would hear my mother saying, "where's my grandchild." My brother saying, "it is your turn now".  And a second mom of mine while I was growing up saying, "hurry, have a baby before I die." I am sure many of you have been bombarded with many of these lines. I felt a responsibility. I had to make this baby quick. I am also a very big people pleaser..so this made it worse that I had failed them all.  The pressure was on last year. This year I have The University of San Francisco doctors on my side. I hope they can help me. 




Actually the first line.."Life is too short to sit and wonder" 
When I hear that line, I think it is crucial to get help for infertility right away. I waited about a year..but no one should go through what I did for that long. I am really shocked that most doctors make you suffer for a year if you are under 35 with infertility issues. If you know there is a problem, you should get help. I know healthcare is so expensive, we should at least get the service we are paying for. 




It is also very hard to listen to what we already know. The fact that my husband and I are infertile brings a lot of shame and guilt. My husband feels more of the guilt...because it is hard for him to hear that the reason why we are going through IVF is because of his MFI. I have been trying to help him through it, but every time I try....he gets kind of angry. I am working on it..slowly..but when a man's ego is bruised...it is a little difficult to say the least. 


I love that a song can bring me to such emotion and clarity. I am sure some of you may listen to this song and go through a completely different journey...that is how powerful music is.