One crazy week!!

So much has happened in the last week. I want to Thank all the comments this week. Thanks to the Queen of stirrups for creating a community full of love, warmth, and support. I have read so many inspiring blogs. Congrats to many of you on your success of achieving a BFP! And those who have received the unthinkable..I am here for you. It must be very hard right now..and I hope you are all taking good care of your selves. As for me..it is a waiting game. I wait...for my first appointment, I am going today to get a blood test..for lots of tests. Oh you know the usual 6 vile blood review. hahahha--I hate needles...it is torture I tell you! I am going to get a massage before I get the test done.  Sometimes I faint. I am so frustrated with this part of me. I just have to breathe slowly and realize...it will all be okay. Lately I have been really into watching The cupcake girls. Lori, one of the main characters of this reality show, shows her IVF experience. As I watched the show, I felt so validated with my fear, frustration, and hardship. I do not think anyone can truly understand what we are going through until someone has walked in our shoes.  I had a pretty bad jealousy bout this weekend. I tend to have them more often these days. I called one of my longtime friends, a friend of 15 years. We have been out of touch (as for a deep connection) in the last 3 years. I still have been hanging on for loyalty..and in hopes that we will connect again. I get sad thinking about how friendships often get lost within years of distance  and proximity. I hate letting go. This friend and I talk every other month( for about 10 to 15 minutes) and now our connection is through facebook..saying hello. I was so offended that she wished me a Merry Christmas through facebook. I was more offended because for 15 years we have spent it together. I have found facebook at times distances us for deeper relationships. This friend also forgot my birthday. I am really frustrated with the whole thing. But the point of brining this up leads me to explain the conversation I had with her this weekend. For the last 15 years she has said she does not want children. She has always stood by the fact that she does not like kids. So here is the background, everything I do, she wants to do. According to my husband, he has said I act really different around her. It is as though we try to compete and one up each other. I hate to acknowledge that I am this person. He said we met when we were in college and that was the nature of our relationship. So I am dealing with the reality that I have been very competitive and vain in this relationship. Now..I have been struggling with infertility and my family and friends, except this one, has been there for me so patiently and warmly. well, I call her and the first thing she asks is, are you pregnant yet? This pisses me off because I told her we are infertile. I want to scream when I hear her ask me such a stupid question. Then I tell her the procedure and the cost and the stress I am going through. She says...not oh I am so sorry, or I will be there for you. She says, " don't talk about babies, now My husband and I are trying. all he talks about now is kids." Okay...this really really really irks me! I am trying to wrap my mind around it. I called a very good friend who is not competitive and is just a good friend. She has many good friends and I have known her since I was 13. She said...two things...the main one was you are jealous and she would be as well. She also said...(what woke me up) "you bringing up your journey of having children made her think about her life and she changed her mind, which she has a right to do." Yes..she has a right to change her mind. I am trying to let that soak in, but I just think to myself, I decided to get my degree in Psychology, and then so did she. I tell her I am getting something, and she has to get it, but bigger or better. I really do not have time or patience for a friend like this.  There is a good friend of mine who for three years we often talk about the joys of parenthood and how we both can't wait to be moms.. She is trying and I can not wait to hear she is pregnant. I just feel, ( and it may be completely irrational) but I just feel this is a real low blow. My husband did not understand..but  I do think he understood when his own father who has not talked to him in 15 years tells him he and his girlfriend would like us to be the godparents of his child. Yes...I am not joking or making this up! Who could make this kind of crazy stuff up!!! We have finally contacted him and my husband and his father are actually communicating through emails.  Last month we revealed our infertility issues, and right before saying Merry Christmas, he pops the insane questions about us being godparents.  Yes...my best friend pops up saying she is trying and my husband's father who is 60 is telling us he is having a girl. It has been a crazy week. I hope this week goes a little more smoother.

It is so hard

I find music to be so healing

Celebrities who speak out about infertility

Infertility issues with celebrities.
Jamie Lee Curtis and her husband, Christopher Guest adopted their children after realizing that
infertility prevented them from conceiving. Jamie has written a book, Tell Me Again About The Night
I Was Born. The book was "written to let children who joined their families through adoption know
that their own birth stories were exciting, too".



Cindy Margolis:Supermodel/actress discusses her struggle with infertility and her desire to have a
baby.  She had her first child, Nicholas through IVF/GIFT in 2002.  Her two daughters, Sabrina and
Sierra were born prematurely by a surrogate on July 17, 2005. VH1 ran a special highlighting Cindy's
career and struggle with infertility. Cindy recently published a guide about navigating infertility
diagnosis and treatment.

This website is really great...lots of good info on movies and media shedding light on Infertility.

In The Circle game

And the seasons they go round and round
And the painted ponies go up and down
We're captive on the carousel of time
We can't return we can only look
Behind from where we came
And go round and round and round
In the circle game
by Joni Mitchell

I have always loved this song. When I was younger..we sang it at camp. We would all be dancing and circling and it just felt so free. I remember- I was free. I had no worries. Life was full of possibilities and I dreamed big. I never new this song would really mean something to me when I was older. I love this song..it reminds me of that childlike innocense. The way a child believes in themselves and there is an optimism than is unbreakable. I listen to this song to gain courage. The child in me gives me strength. Being an adult..life gets so hard.I was driving home tonight and I realized one reason why I get so sad after being with my Niece and why I was dreading going to a birthday party full of happy kids and parents. I was thinking how happy I was holding my niece. She is so happy and fullfilled. Her parents have a glow in their eyes and all the parents were so proud of their kids. When I was there holding her...it was in  that moment that I felt happy. As I drove home, I felt lonely, empty. Trying not to tear up, but this is why I am not happy. I am not fulfilled without having a child and playing and teaching my child the ways and meaning of life. I was talking with my mom and she was telling me how she talked to my Aunt, who just rushed across the county to meet her new grandaughter. As tears were going down my mom's face, she talked about her conversation with my aunt and how they cried together with tears of joy. They are so happy to my grandmothers. I am so happy for my Aunt..but right then and there..I almost lost it..tears..of sadness. Guilty I could not give that kind of joy to my mother, myself, or my husband. I immediately..became sick. My immune system must be weak..because in moments I started sneezing and I caught a cold. I went home 2 hours later..I became even more sick. I have been nervous about my Saline Sonogram, but now that I am sick..it is going to be even more uncomfortable.  I know I have to be positive..but I feel like  life is a rollercoaster..and it is going too fast. I thought it would slow down, but I made the mistake of watching Giuliana and Bill. They tried for their second cycle of IVF. It failed. I feel so bad for them. Giuliana is representing so many women who have struggled with IVF and miscarriages. Bill is so positive. I loved the way they ended their season. They told each other how much they love each other and their life together. Part of me thinks..I could not survive without children. I have always dreamed of having children..but..whatever happens I am truly in love with my husband and I will deal with whatever comes my way.  I hope you are all keeping warm and healthy.
Thank you for all the comments lately..I love that I am being comforted and I get to comfort any of you going through the same struggles. It means more than anything to me to be understood and heard.

I Just Realized Why I could be having a Mini Breakdown

Image via WikipediaI just realized why I may be having a mini Break down. I am not sleeping and I am crying and getting really  nervous when I hear unsuccessful IVF stories. My brother's baby's birthday is this Sunday. Just another reminder that I am not in the in crowd. Everybody is going to be either asking me, when are you going to pop out a a baby, or there will be silence. I really am not looking forward to this. My Aunt and Uncle will be raving about their first grandchild as well. I can just hear it now, my mom making a speech or telling her sister, "oh, it is the greatest thing being a grandmother" and thanking my brother and his wife for bringing her so much happiness. I feel like calling in sick, but I can't. I love that little girl. She is the best..she is a bundle of Joy! But of course the decorations alone are my childhood. I was a big fan of Strawberry shortcake. and guess what  they picked for decorations. Yes..Strawberry shortcake. You know, part of the joy of having kids is, you get to relive your childhood through them. I have always said I wanted my little girl to enjoy my childhood favorites like Hello Kitty, strawberry shortcake, my little pony. And if I could find her, rainbow brite. I am feeling a lot of sadness right now. Maybe I should just get some sleep and tomorrow will be brighter.

American health Care System Sucks!

I have to vent. I can not believe our health care system in America. They say we are fighting for freedom! Well, isn't it our freedom to have a child. I would think so. But no...it cost $30,000 for one cyle of IVF, meds, and blood work and crazy uncomfortable sonograms, and such! Each doctor's appointment is 3-400 dollars! Are you freakin kidding me!!! Oh- and then if you miscarry..oh no- you have to pay another $15,ooo. This drives me mad! I am going into my first IVF appointment in January, but this frightens me. I am going to go through months of torture and mood swings. What if I miscarry. I am crying with fear this is going to happen. everyone is telling me, you have to keep positive, this is not going to happen to you. Okay- really...how can you predict this. And how can doctors charge for a second, third, or fourth time. It seems immoral. I am wondering if this is some sort of conspiracy. Is it just me or does it seems like some of these places are just a business. They are making a lot of money..and we are their guinney pigs! Okay- I am just a little dramatic right now. But trust me, I was way more out of control a few hours ago. I spoke to this sweet women who is in the same position as all of us. She tried the Ivf procedure, she was successful, and then a miscarriage. And now she can not afford the second cycle. This is not fair! I cried for an hour after hearing this! I was going to workout at the gym, but I was crying hysterically. So then I ran up and down in the rain. I was hysterically crying. This hurts too much. This is such a crazy roller coaster. I am just so sad this woman can not afford to try for another cycle. Life just isn't fair:(

book list of Infertility

I am so excited! I found online( blogging) 3 books on Infertility.
1) Navigating the Land of If ( from my favorite blog- ), by Melissa Ford
2) Tear soup, by PAt Schweibert
3) Water from the Rock, by Sylvia R. Frey
4) well- maybe this is moving to fast- but on another great blog I was reading 
http://infertilitydoula.blogspot.com/2010/04/it-takes-village.html#comment-form
she found a book for mother and fathers who were successful with IVF a book to explain to their child called,
I Can't wait to Meet You, by Claudia Bates.

have any of you read the above?

WHAT NOT TO SAY TO INFERTILE COUPLES

 

1) DON'T WORRY, YOU CAN ALWAYS ADOPT
2) STOP STRESSING- YOU NEED TO RELAX
3) YOU NEED TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR HUSBAND EVERY NIGHT
4) EAT  LOTS OF ASPARAGUS
5) MEDITATE
6) GET DRUNK
7) DON'T GET DRUNK
8) HAVE SEX IN THE MORNING
9) STOP EATING MEAT
10) HAVE SEX EVERY TWO DAYS
11) HAVE SEX EVERY THREE DAYS
12) FEED YOUR HUSBAND PINEAPPLE AND CANTALOUP
13) IT WILL HAPPEN WHEN YOU STOP TRYING SO HARD


I am sure you have  heard it all. My family and friends have good intentions...but some of their comments have pushed me away. I have also found it hurtful when my mother says, " being a grandmother makes it all worth it" while she holds my brother's 12 month old daughter. Sometimes I feel worse when I see my niece. I actually love spending time with her because she is so cute and fun. She is so much in the moment and really she helps me enjoy just hanging out and laughing. I love spoiling her and buying her cute clothes. But when I drive home, I tear up. I want my own daughter. I want to hold her in my arms and have her look in my eyes and smile. I want to hear her call me momma. Since my husband and I are infertile, I have noticed pity looks from my family and extended family. That really annoys me. I know they care, but I really don't like being looked at as a hurt dog. I try to play it off, but it makes me feel really uncomfortable. I wonder how any of you deal with it. I finally told my dad that we were infertile and would have to do IVF. I had a gut feeling not to tell my dad and of our frustrations or sadness during this year of trying to conceive. My gut was right. He is not a very compassionate father. You know what he said? he said, " oh, okay, well don't become the next octomom." As he laughed, I just practiced my deep breathing. I guess he just does not take anything seriously and really is self absorbed. Who was I kidding that he would actually be sweet and comforting. He has never been that kind of father. But although I know he is not that kind of father, I still deserve a father that is comforting and supportive. I was angry for a minute, but I am over it. I have a wonderful husband, my mom is warm and supportive. This women called and checks on me every morning. Who could ask for a better friend and mom.

First IVF appointment Jan 10th 2011

IVF with ICSI! It is official- UCSF is our choice. This was an easy decision. My sister in law was successful there, the doctors care about their patients and not only about money, and the location is nearby. So, now I am just getting all the tests done. And there are a lot. But Kaiser has been great.  I am going for a saline sonogram next week. I am a little worried about it because I heard from some that it is painful. I do not deal with pain very well, so my mom got me some meditation cds. I started today. I have to say that I felt really relaxed and more alert after 15 minutes of a guided meditation. I do not meditate and I thought it would be really boring and hard, but it was pretty easy. I have been struggling for a year with my husband to conceive and there have been many fights between us, but since we decided  on a place and our first appointment is Jan 10th, I have been more calm and I feel more in control. I was acting like a crazy person. Crying one minute, yelling the next. My poor husband and friends. I really want  to let those who have commented know, it feels great to have a community. There are so many of you who are going through the same thing, and I feel truly honored to hear about your stories and to comfort each other during such a painful and scary time.  Please keep me posted on how you all are doing.
take care

PINK OR BLUE?

THIS IS NOT THE TYPICAL QUESTION ABOUT PINK OR BLUE!!
I am talking about the dreaded LH pee tests

 Pink(first response) or blue (clearblue)
   let me get this out....I HATE CLEARBLUE.....WITH A PASSION!!!

It is so touchy. If you pee too much or too little, move it wrong..it shows nothing. I have wasted months with clearblue. And the strange thing is Kaiser- my health care facility refers it. I would love to hear other people's experience. Which do you prefer..PINK OR BLUE?

THE BEST BLOG ABOUT INFERTILITY ISSUES

If you have a question- any kind of question with infertility or trying to conceive, this website has all the answers. http://www.stirrup-queens.com
I am going to start giving credit where credit is do. I have been struggling with trying to conceive and now Jan 10th 2011 I will start my IVF hormone first appointment. When my husband and I first started  trying to conceive ..and the challenges just kept adding up, I turned to the internet for help. There are so many great websites and blogs about ways to conceive, and people's stories. Out of all the websites, I found this website to be the best as for informative and it almost like it is an organized online book and resource for any issue imaginable while trying to conceive or going through any kind of reproductive challenge or procedure. Please check out this blog...I have found it to be my reproductive bible. There are funny stories as well. And there is a huge community.

POEM OF HOPE

Don't Quit
Author believed to be Rev Wade Watts

When things go wrong, as they sometimes will,
When the road your trudging seems all uphill,
When the funds are low and the debts are high,
And you want to smile, but you have to sigh,
When care is pressing you down a bit
Rest if you must, but don't you quit.

Life is queer with its twists and its turns,
As everyone of us sometimes learns,
And many a failure turns about
When they might have won, had they stuck it out.
Don't give up though the pace seems slow,
You may succeed with another blow.

Often the struggler has given up
When he might have captured the victors cup;
And he learned too late when the night came down,
How close he was to the golden crown.

Success is failure turned inside out
The silver tint of the clouds of doubt
And you never can tell how close you are,
It may be near when it seems so far;
So stick to the fight when your hardest hit,
It's when things seem worst that you mustn't quit!

Lisa Ling Talks About Her Miscarriage - The View

this issue of miscarriage and ivf is becoming more popular. The website Lisa LIng has created helps women unite and not feel alone with their secrets and pain.
www.secretsocietyofwomen.com

mother's journey (yann Tiersen)

Hugh Laurie - Maybe Baby (2000)

Finally!!! A movie about what  I am going through!! It is also a view into the man's perspective as well. Very funny! and Sad. I did cry during this movie...but I also laughed  a lot. It is crucial to find humor in time of crisis. It is the only way we survive.

METFORMIN

Image via WikipediaMetformin is my new additional drug prescribed by my fertility doctor. By the scale- my doctor says I could be pre pre diabetic. I think that is a load of crap and I hate my doctor for prescribing me this diabetic diet pill that has given me gastro issues and sick to my stomach every time I eat. This has really not helped my mood lately. It has been one week and this is not fun. I have finally had energy to go to the gym..but the first week I was so nauseous. Do any of you take this drug? ANY ADVICE?

it is official! IVF it is!

Image via WikipediaIt has been 23 days since my last post about my infertility. I thought I needed a couple days. I guess I needed more. So much has happened and at the the same time..I am at a stand still at this point of where to go. This is what has happened. The fertility doctor said IVF with ICSI is the only solution. Basically, without getting into too much of the detail. It is assisted implanting the embryo with standard IVF. My eggs will go in a dish and my husband's sperm will be put into my egg. Voila! Embryos. I have been a real hot mess. I must say my friends and family have really been supportive. My mom has been there for me and my friends have been real patient. At the same time..I feel they do not completely understand what I am going through because most of them have kids. Let me warn you..if any of you are heading in this direction..I lost it. I am still not here completely. Let's just say I am one of those women whose hair is not completely together, I am forgetful, panicked, confused, and very high on edge. I can not keep a complete thought..and thanks to my iphone calendar I sometimes make my appointments. The last few weeks I have been very angry. My poor husband..he is a wreck with his own issues dealing with this mess..and he has to deal with my moment to moment attitudes. The first few weeks my friends would call me and I sounded depressed and on edge. I really didn't really want to talk to them. Now, I am getting my energy back..but I am still very much not connected with the rest of the world. It is as if I am in a bubble. I really wish if any of you are reading this- please post and help me feel as if I am not alone here. I would love to hear how the rest of you are dealing with this issue.
Let me be completely honest. It has been very trying. The last couple weeks I cry a lot. Whenever I am driving to work or driving home- certain songs on the radio will bring me to tears. As for my facebook- I had to hide some of my cousins and friends pages- because certain things triggered my pain. For example- one pregnant facebook friend was complaining about her pregnancy. That is something that just bothers me right now. I am sure when I am pregnant- I will be feeling the same thing- but I get so annoyed and I would do anything to be pregnant and she is complaining. She has no idea how lucky she is. I have another cousin who just had a baby. Their baby is so adorable. I had to hide it because there are just some days that is it too hard to see. The love and shining light around the mother is too painful for me. The mother is just glowing with happiness. I want that so bad in my life. I get down on myself- so I just decided to go on their pages when I am feeling less sad.
Now as for finding an IVF center. That has been really hard. Who do I trust. There is a place where I live where there were two really bad situations. 1) the doctors implanted the embryo in the wrong woman!!!
and 2) the embryologists destroyed a patients left over eggs.
That really concerns me. And then on the news..almost everyday- a celebrity is announcing they are pregnant..and they all are saying after miscarriages. I fear I will spend 25,000- and then have a miscarriage. I worry..I worry too much. These are just a few of my worries. I find now- I am just going to enjoy the next couple of weeks with family and not think too much or stress. Thanksgiving is coming and I love this holiday. I have been really caught up in my sadness about being infertile..but I have still managed to enjoy the beauty of everything. I appreciate my friends, and the changing of the colors in the trees. I have gone on walks and stepped on crunchy leaves. I have watched the sunset. I have smiled and been smiled at from neighbors and friendly customers at work. I must remember that it is the little things that will bring me joy.

No hope left: Catholic Church attacks IVF in Poland

great video of IVF Process

even if you do not live near this facility- the breakdown of the IVF process in this video is so informative! Watch this video!

Anyone dealing with Ivf or IuI? This video is so helpful. Gives good info as for the emotional issues that come up for us..please watch this video

Nobel Prize Winner.

Pioneer of in Vitro Fertilization Wins Nobel Prize

http://www.boston.com/video/viral_page/?/services/player/bcpid111121309001&bctid=221248241001

Click on the link above and hear from the first baby made through ivf!

Related articles

• Shoes.TV Launches; First Online TV Site All About Shoes with Celebrity & Designer Interviews, Style Tips, Brand Reviews and More (prweb.com)

MY TRYING TO CONCEIVE JOURNEY

October 27th, 2010
it is official. Made an appointment with a fertility doctor. we are officially in the infertile percentile. I am not dealing with the facts very well. I am sitting around moping and not thinking straight. I am thinking 11,000 dollars. that is a lot of money. I am thinking hormones...running through my body, by a sharp needle. I have visions of fear, pain, and tears. Why me. Why now. What did I do to deserve this. I feel selfish for thinking poor me. There are other couples out there who do not  have choices, and do not have insurance or money to see an open door to having their dream come true. I am full of emotions..but mostly I just sit and cry. I called my friends and family, but I have nothing to say. There is nothing to say. I am stunned by the fact that I am going through this. My fear has come true. I worry..will it ever happen. What if. I guess, what it comes down to is, I feel out of control. For the last 8 months, I have been peeing on sticks, working out like crazy, taking my medicine for my thyroid, drinking lots of water, taking prenatal vitamins that make me sick, praying to a fertility doll, charting my cycle, searching endlessly at pregnancy help sites, getting stressed and depressed everytime my period came. And now...when it come down to it, was it a waste. No matter what I did..it would not have done anything. I guess I am angry. I am sad, disappointed, and just numb. I probably need a couple more days to absorb it and work through my emotions. This is all new to me.
October 18th, 2010

Well- crying a little. More sullen than usual. Not a lot of words come to mind..I guess I will just post music videos..sometimes music is the best way to describe a feel..pain.

Brook Shields share's her struggle in,

Brooke Shields gets personal:“I thought it would be so easy to become a mom.”

“After a while, when you’re not successful, you start to associate the word ‘failure’ every time you pee on a stick and it doesn’t come out the right color. What starts out as a dream becomes a project that’s all consuming — everywhere you look, women are pregnant, and every song on the radio seems like it’s all about being pregnant! It becomes a very frustrating, frightening place.”

October 17th 2010

11:44pm

I guess better luck next month. Damn it! :(
OCTOBER Second Entry- 16th 2010
So before I post all the joyous pictures of Hawaii...I have to vent. After I vent there will be some really pretty pictures to admire. Well..it makes me feel better about venting to a computer and whoever wants to read it....

Today is day 26 of my cycle. Yes- the two week wait. I am going mad. I may have cried ten different times yesterday. I have read through four or five really good websites about how to conceive. Watched a few youtube vlogs about IVF. Of course I searched Guilianna and Bill. I really like their show. Even though it is so sad that she miscarried, it makes me like her even more. So many couples have had the same thing happened and now they have a voice.

Bottom line, I really should just stay away from the computer during the 2ww. I become a crying fool.

With that said- I will tell you a funny story that happened this month.
I am sure other couples have used many different techniques to become pregnant. My husband got super creative this month. He went to visit his mom in San Diego and brought back a gift for us. I open up the box and out popped a large, African wooden fertility goddess doll. I say "what is this?", he says "it is going to help us get pregnant."

I am shocked and a little freaked out. I say "okay honey". At least he is trying and I find it almost endearing.

The strange thing is, that night I got my period. This might not sound strange to you, but I got aunt flow right away. I have not had a healthy period like this in years.

Now I am inspired and feeling really optimistic. We are off to Hawaii two weeks later and have decided to bring the doll with us. It was quite a dilemma. Do we bring a fertility doll on the plane and have everyone look at us like we are crazy?
NO. We pack the baby doll in our suitcase and we go off to Hawaii.
The night we get there I set the doll on the nightstand, near the lamp and the four books I brought to read. TO be honest I only end upreading one.

I go to turn on the light to read in bed and it happens.
In slow motion I watch the doll fall from the slightest touch of one of my books.

at this moment I had two choices. Be calm, take a deep breath and just place the doll back where it was standing.

Or do what I did.

I screamed.. "OH NO!"

"Shit"

I panicked. I lost it even more when I saw that I had completely smashed the dolls right boob!
Did I mentioned the doll had pointy boobs? It also has rainbow earrings and ankle bracelets. Very cute I thought.

I grab the doll, and open the door to the living room where my husband, mom, and brother are relaxing. I look at my husband and I say "I broke the fertility doll". He just starts laughing hysterically. I do not find that helpful at all and I go into a complete dramatic act like in days of our lives. I could have won an award. My brother eventually came in a calmed me down. All was okay- but geez! I am super crazy right now.
Later that night I apologized to the doll.

So- that is my crazy story for this month. I guess the only thing I can do now is wait. and wait. and wait some more.


OCTOBER 4, 2010 First entry
Monday, October 4, 2010
Well- I have been fighting the urge to reveal my ttc journey on a blog, but I am going to give it a shot. I can always delete it ..right? Well- here is my trying to conceive story. I have been with my husband now for almost 16 years. We finally got married two years ago. July 27 was our two year anniversary. We started trying in April of 2010. So it has been 6 months. These have been the longest 6 months of my life. Each month we try so hard and the day I get my period...I get so let down. I have been an emotional wreck. I have tried all sorts of devices with no success. The funny thing about it all is almost every month something has gone wrong. From tooth infections, flu's, you name it. It has been so utterly frustrating. I really am fine until the day I get my period. It is so depressing that day. NO. That's a lie. The two week wait is so unbearable. If you come to my house during the two week wait, you can cut the tension with a knife. My poor husband, he has so much patience, but I can see him cracking a bit. It is not his fault, I am a lunatic who looks at him with crazy eyes. If he just looks wrong, that is it..I am the exorcist coming at him full force. Oh and the strangest thing has been ocurring the last few months. I see pregnant women. And babies. They are all over. Everyday at my work sometimes two or three pregnant women are coming in. I am driving, and they are walking on the sidewalk with their strollers. I turn the television on and every movie has to do with babies or the main character is pregnant. I can not tell you the lengths my husband and I have gone to reach the joys of parenthood. I have such a great family and friends who are so supportive. I even give credit to my facebook friends who have surprisingly been there every time I have vented my frustrations. I know and believe in the near future somehow I will get the chance to fulfill my biggest dream.

Amen Omen - Ben Harper

Bonnie Raitt - Angel from Montgomery (live)

Ben Harper - Walk Away

Ben Harper - Waiting on an angel

Dealing with resentment.


Click on the link above and it gives great tips on how to deal with resentment. I have entered this website in here because i am going through a rough situation and I am sure others are dealing with the same emotion.  I heard shocking news today and I felt real uneasy.  My body felt queasy, my appetite ceased, and my body got very tight. My mind stopped and I felt my emotions take control. Since I have a psychology background I knew I needed to check in with myself. I am not perfect and I know my body and emotions take control and my rational thought process gets blinded sometimes.  I had to research what I was feeling. Was it anger? No. Because the main component with Anger that stood out was wanting to yell or be mean to someone. I did not feel that. I do not feel any rage. At least not yet. Was it sadness. Maybe, but I am not feeling completely depressed, it is more of a feeling of hopelessness about the situation. Am I resentful. Yes. I have all the symptoms. And the biggest one that stood out was feeling betrayed by someone in the past. Anger is part of it, but I feel more of  an icky feeling around them. Like this person has hurt me in the past and he has all bad intentions. He is a snake, a greedy, ugly, selfish, manipulative person. And above all, I was not protected by this person. He is the essence of my worst nightmare. Do you ever feel like in your life in each person's life they are given a test. I believe in every bad situation in my life, this person's behavior has challenged me. It keeps on showing up. I truly wonder what I am supposed to learn from this situation. Or is it some higher power player a practical joke on me.

a song for all of us who are trapped in a  struggle to conceive

Their is a musical about infertility
 The musical (with great voices, signing good songs!) follows the journey of three sets of people longing to become parents: a heterosexual couple not unlike the authors; a lesbian couple; and a career woman with a ticking bio-clock.

Just met a very interesting man name Bip Pippey. What a name right?!
Sometimes when life gets you down and you are searching for an answer, it comes in the most strangest pathways. I have heard of people having a dream and finding knowledge through their unconscious. Others have tried the bible or a good book. I have a cousin who said try asking a question and open any book and there on the page, you will have the answer. My mom goes to therapy or tarot cards. My dad goes dancing and just figures everything will turn out. Ignorance is bliss..for him. Well- my dilemma was when I went to Hawaii I had a great time, but I found myself being scared a lot. I was not afraid of the dark, or people, more about sharks in the water, driving on steep roads, and afraid of big waves. My mom mentioned how I did not used to be so frightened by things. It made me question why am I more frightened now that I am older. I have never been a real dare devil. I never liked to ride roller coasters or snorkel or ski. But I think the main change is I do not even try now. It is as if I am living life with my eyes closed. I am so fearful of death or that someone else will get hurt. I am not sure where this is coming from. I could guess it has to do with my brother dying, I am getting older, or just too much shark week and scary movies. When I was younger I was very sheltered. I did not watch the news, shark week, or animal shows, and I never watched scary movies. Then today Bip Pippey came in and told the most craziest stories. He is a middle aged scruffy guy with a big belly and a smile on his face. He started off telling me about 20 years ago he was hiking in the woods and traded cigarettes with a guy for magic mushrooms. Bip had the most hardy laugh. It was nice to hear and almost freeing. Then we talked more about his mushroom days and I secretly remembered my youth filled with magic mushrooms, freedom of responsibility, and ignorance. I said, "sounds like you have some good memories." He said, " yeah, and some bad ones too." I waited for him to go on. He did. He told me in 1984 he was traveling in Yosemite and a group of his friends and family were on top of Half dome. Lighting struck and killed his two friends and brother. He seemed sad and talked about that tragic day. He then looked at me and smiled. I smiled back..curious to hear what next he would tell me. He said with a proud smile, "the following year I hiked up half dome." I was astonished and didn't know what to say. The words that came out of my mouth surprised me. I said, "fearless!". That is how I want to live my life. He then proceeded to tell me his scuba experiences and hiking 22 miles out in the woods. I enjoyed his story and thought to myself- that is the way to live!
Thank you Bip Pippey
Live life without fear...you only get one chance!

What am I thinking?
I am getting really organized in this blog. Join me and hear my stories of pain and comic relief with tying to conceive a baby. I would love to create a community and support and compassion around such a hard dilemma a lot of of are dealing with. I also am making a page of the books I am reading. I am going to make an extra effort to read more and learn from what I am reading. I would love to hear other's opinions and discuss interesting books with other avid readers. I also love to take pictures. So I hope you enjoy my pictures I take. I would love to hear feedback. As for food..we all love food. So I will talk about cravings, memories of food, and of course great recipes, Maybe diets I am on as well. And maybe once in a while I will write a memory or a story from the past.

first blog

so here I go! My first blog. I believe this will be many and many to come. For some reason- I feel free to express myself behind this wall of anonimity. So here I go, I hope you enjoy the madness of my mind.